Sister,

Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like if you were here. Here to guide me, here to help. I wish you were here to comfort me when I am sad, here to be there for me on my prom night making sure I don’t do anything too stupid. No one is here to do that for me, no one seems to mind that I’m ruining everything. I feel like if you were here, though, if you had your chance on earth, you’d be the bold one and set me straight. 

So many times I’ve tried meeting you and tried getting to you, but I guess I just have to wait. I don’t want to wait, Sister. I need someone there for me, to pick me up and catch me from what I’m doing. I need my big sister.. I need to be told that what I’m doing is ruining my chances of what I’ve been striving for, what my life should be.

I wish I knew you. I wish you were here. I know you’re watching me, upset and mad at the world for not stepping in. But what can they do? I only want YOU to do that.

Much love,

Your ruined little sister, age 17

Dear Dad,

Today marks the one year anniversary of your death, and although it has been 23+ years since I last had contact with you, it’s still hard to grasp that you’re no longer here. I’ve spent most of my life referring to you as my “biological father” because for me, that’s all you ever were. For some reason, the day I found out you died, I started referring to you as my dad (a title you don’t deserve). I am sad that I will never have the opportunity to ever talk to you or ask you any of the questions that at one time plagued my mind. I just never understood why you never tried contacting me or my brothers, or why you did the things you did. Though I already know some the answers to my questions, I just wanted, needed, to hear it from you. 

I honestly can’t say whether or not I would’ve ever contacted you, but at least I knew I had the option/choice. It was difficult going to your memorial service and hearing your family say how much you loved me and my brothers, because that’s something I’ve always wondered about. I just wish it had came from you. But what was even more difficult than that was learning you had a 19 year old son with another woman and that you chose to be a part of his life. Which I guess I should be okay with because at least you had a relationship with one of your children. A part of me wonders if you were trying not to make the same mistakes with him that you did with me and my brothers, and if so, then I commend you for trying. 

I know everything happens for a reason, and though you weren’t around for the better part of my life, I will still miss you and all the “what if’s” that could’ve been.

Goodbye.

The Daughter You Never Knew, age 32

To my Soulmate,

There was a time that I believed you were my soulmate. The man that would stand by my side through life. The man that would fix me. There was so much wrong with me. The insecurities, no self-esteem, no self-worth, jealous, a liar. All of these nasty traits and characteristics where the cause of all of our problems. Because I was searching for the answers in you. You were my strong man. The honest headstrong man that fixed everything…but me. I resented you for that. In my resentment I treated you poorly. I saw you doing so much for yourself and for others, and I believed you were doing nothing for me. But in reality, you were doing all you could. Loving me in your own way. I never saw that love. I never felt it. I was so consumed by my demons that I couldn’t see. I couldn’t feel. You gave yourself to me, mind, body and soul. I gave you my body; I thought I was giving you my mind and soul. I wasn’t. I was hiding it deep inside the dark corners of my being. Waiting for them to be found by the man I love. I was selfish believing it was your position in our relationship to find them, to fix me. This selfishness destroyed our lives. Financially, emotionally and physically.

But here is the tricky part. In a very twisted way, it was you that saved me. Your courage to be who you truly are is what saved me. It gave me no choice but to go searching within my darkest corners for myself. Because of this, you are my soulmate. A soulmate isn’t an individual that you will be married to till death calls you home. For me, my soulmate, is the person who helped me become the person I was always meant to be. The person I always was, but was so lost under all the clutter of it that I didn’t know I was.

I believe that no two individuals are destined to be soulmates. It can be one person for another but not for each other. You were my soulmate. I will love you eternally for your role in my life. As the father of our amazing children, and as the man that helped me get right. Now it is your turn to find yours. To find that person that will support you in becoming the person you’ve always been and the person you are meant to be. You may have found it here already. Only time will tell. I pray that you do. That you can feel what I feel within myself. Words cannot describe this feeling inside of me. It’s bright and it’s clean and it’s forever growing. 

I’ll end this like this. May love and humbleness fill your life for the rest of your days. May you find what you always wanted from me, with someone who can appreciate and return all that you have to offer.

Thank you for the memories I hold in my heart.

J, age 30

Grandma,

I know you are up there watching me grow up. Every year for my birthday, which is the first day of spring—March 21^st—I always ask to have a beautiful day. And almost every year, I get exactly what I ask for. It’s been 13 years since I’ve last sat with you in our family room. We were watching Unsolved Mysteries. I miss you so much.

I’ve grown up ever since you’ve died. I took care of myself, basically, along with my sisters. I wish you were here. You would be so proud of me. Actually, I know you are proud of me. I see you in everything, think of you daily. Not a day goes by that something doesn’t remind me of you. Come to me in my dreams, it’s been a while. Bring Grandpa, please. I would love for him to see me all grown up. I love you two so much.

Bri, age 21

Dre, 

At 22, you met me. I had just gotten out of a Domestic Violence shelter. I was broken and alone with a baby. My life was full of so much pain. A helping hand is hard to find in this day and age; I guess I was lucky. Maybe it was fate, I don’t know, but it was something. You never asked me for anything, you just offered. You were a true friend. You helped me heal. You listened to what I had to say, you helped me learn how to trust again, and most of all you showed me that love doesn’t hurt, it helps you become a stronger and a better person.

Sometimes I think of how much you sacrificed for us. You were only 22 years old and you became a father to a child who had none, and were there unconditionally to offer support and advice. You are truly an amazing person. I feel like sometimes maybe people go through hell to get to heaven. You are my heaven. For the past five years, I have been your wife, and you have given me two daughters. Everything you do, you put us first. I love listening to your heart beat when you’re laying in bed, I love when you smile, and when you hurt, I hurt. Thank you. Thank you for it all.

BB, age 26

Dear Mom, 

Last Mother’s Day, I did not pay enough attention to you. But this Mother’s Day, you’ll get breakfast in bed, and cookies and chocolate milk, and ice cream, and lemonade and tea, and of course you’ll get me! 

Sara, age 8

To you,
   
I wanted to say so much to you during our last conversation. I booked the ticket because I wanted to spend time with you. I wanted to see you and tell you how much I’ve missed you. I still love you. I wanted to tell you that people come and go, but no one is you. I always think about you. You are apart of my thought process. You always have been. I am sorry about the way our relationship ended. I am sorry that I was so selfish with you. For all the hurt you felt from us/me, I am truly sorry. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t.

I can only make up for it. That is what I really want to do. I want to do all the things we talked about and I want to do them together. Still. I want us to be what we once were and more. I still love you. I know you are with someone and I wish you the best. Honestly, I do. You deserve great things. You are, by far, the best person I’ve ever met. I want you to know that if you ever feel like you miss me or want to give us another chance, I am always going to be willing, forever. It is really important to me that you know that. I’m always going to be willing because I know that no matter what I am doing or who I am with, I’m always going to love you more. I am never going to have what we had, with anyone else. That I can assure you.

Distance would never be the reason why we wouldn’t work out. Wherever you are is where I’d be. I promise you that. I do not want to cause you any headaches or disrupt your life. I honestly don’t. I want you to be happy. I promise that I will never contact you again after this. I just wanted you to know that I am always going to be willing to give us another chance. You were my best friend. You were my person. Honestly, I just want to be with you.            

Dani, age 28

To My Nanny, 

I have a friend who lost her Granny last week. I don’t think about you enough, especially now that I’m not at home, but her sadness brought you back to me. I want to tell you a story about a day not long before you died. I had been ill, with sickness or something, and little G came home with an ice-cream, showing off in the way brothers do when they have something you don’t. I was so angry and jealous. A few days later he and Dad went up to see you whilst you were in hospital. They asked me to come but I’d been promised an ice cream on the first day I was better, so chose to stay behind. I remember exactly the ice cream I picked. You died a few days later and I never got to speak to you again. I can’t remember the details of your funeral but I remember the traffic light lollipop I ate as my brother said goodbye to you. It’s strange what we remember as we get older. People say that I shouldn’t regret the choice I made when I was so little but I do. How could I not? I was so selfish and stupid and small and I regret that I didn’t go and see you every time I think of you. Growing up, I loved you more than I loved anyone.

I’m so sorry for being so silly. 

Love to you always,

Your first little girl, age 20

Gramma,

I miss you so much. I don’t think my life could be more chaotic right now. Momma left her good boyfriend to go back to the one that made her treat me bad. Going two weeks without seeing your mother isn’t fun. And I know you would do something about it. And all this damn family fighting. You’re probably glaring at us all from heaven. I wish I had the power you did over them. Then maybe we’d actually like each other. I have an amazing boyfriend now, too. James. You’d love him, probably just because he makes me happier than anything ever would. I just wanted to tell you I miss you, I need you, and I’ll see you in a few decades.

Much love,

Your Gem, age 17

Dear World,

I love you. I do not know the last time I said that to someone. I have been hurt so many times that I have tried to eradicate love from my life. I thought that if I pretended love did not exist, that I would never get hurt again. You tell me that I am a freak for not knowing love, that I am just looking for attention. You always look so happy, but I tell myself that you are living a lie. I am the one living a lie.

I know that I love my family and a few close friends, but I do not feel it. I feel nothing inside. I plaster a smile on my face so you do not ask questions, but I am screaming inside. I am not angry. I am not sad. I am not happy. I am nothing. It is impossible for me to feel anything. 

I want to feel the warm sensation in my heart that everyone else feels. I want to tell my mom and dad that I love them. I want to tell my siblings that although I fight with them, I cherish them. I want to tell my niece and nephew I helped raise that I cannot envision my life without them. I want to tell my best friend that she saved my life. I want to tell you what I know, but I do not feel it. I want to know what love is. I want to be loved. I want to feel something, anything.

Claire, age 19