Dear Gail,

I would like to start off by saying thank you. Thank you for making the man I love. I know you didn’t mean to leave this earth so early and leave behind your two babies, but I also know that the experiences he’s had in his life have made him into the man I love and am going to marry in five months. 

I so wish that you and I could have met and known each other, and that I could have gotten your motherly approval. I wish even more that he could have had you in his life and known what it is like to have unconditional motherly love like I have. I know you look down on us from heaven and that you do love him unconditionally, but it’s not the same. 27 years ago today, you passed away, and he doesn’t remember your hugs or kisses. He sees your smile every time he looks in the mirror, as well as your eyes, and I hope some day we will be blessed with a baby that looks like him, just as he looks like you. 

I knew last year when we visited your grave that this year would be harder than the other years combined, at least for me, and I feel like I’m being selfish in grieving for someone I didn’t even know. I grieve for you, but also for him. I don’t see him cry too often, and I don’t think he usually cries when we go visit you, but I always do. Maybe I cry because I think he feels like he can’t. So many people were affected by your passing, some more than others. Your dad, who I love dearly, misses you every day and has done his best to make sure that his grandson knows about his mom’s life and what she was like, as well as trying to instill the values and morals he instilled into you.

I just wish I could have known you. I wish he could have known you. I know you’ll be with us on our wedding day, just as you were at his brothers.

Thank you. For all the things I can say, as well as all the things I can’t. I never knew you, but I love you anyways, through him. 

Love,

Your future daughter in law, age 29

Kris,

You’re the last thing I think about at night, and the first thing every morning, and every minute in-between. You are an incredible person, so determined and driven, good hearted, and such a beautiful soul. There’s not a day I don’t miss you, and there will never be a day that I’ll stop loving you. You were supposed to be mine, we were supposed to be each other’s everything. But as time went on, you moved on.

I talk to our old friends and ask how you’ve been. You’re with someone new and you two are sharing all of our dreams. If makes me sick to my stomach. You break my heart everyday without ever even knowing it. You drive me crazy and you don’t even know it. I still love you after all this time and I don’t know if you still know it. I wonder at times if the feeling is mutual. Do you miss me, too? Do you wish she was me? I wake up with him and pray everyday it’s you laying next to me.

Sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and I’ll listen to our old songs just to get me back to sleep. All I have left of us is our pictures and my memories. My heart breaks everyday for you, my love.  Come back, I’ll always be waiting for you. I still love you babe, with all my heart. No one will ever hold a flame to you.

Alicia, age 22

Dear Dad,

It has been five years now and I still look for you when I come home to visit. We all miss you; I can hear it in Mom’s voice when I talk to her on the phone.

Sometimes I think she has been crying and just won’t admit it. I am living my life for you, to make you proud. Every choice I make is first considered “What would Dad have to say about this?” When you were here, I could ask you and we would talk for hours about everything. Now I try to replace you with friends and loved ones, but it’s not the same. 

I wish there was some way you could let me know how I am doing. Someday I will get the answers to my questions; until then, know that you are always in my thoughts. I take you with me everywhere I go and put a piece of you in everything I do.

I will always love you and be your daughter; cancer can’t take that away.

Love,

Megan, age 26

To my brother, 

In my head, I understand the reasons why you did what you did.  I have been there many times myself.  Parts of me admire the fact that you had the guts to do it, but then I get so sad that you felt that was the only option you had. Why didn’t you just pass out?  I know you have a million times before.  

I wish you would have told me goodbye.  You told other people (in your own way) and you acted like you didn’t even have a sister.  I know we haven’t really talked in years, but you were my twin brother.  We were together in the womb.  You have always been in my world.  I don’t understand why you waited till I got to town and then killed yourself without ever contacting me.

Was it my fault because I didn’t call you right away? I think it might be less painful to believe that I had something to do with your decision than to accept the fact that for you, I didn’t even exist.

Have you any idea of the wreckage you left behind?  You think your life was a mess. Your death was way worse.  I worry about our little brother. Yeah, he’s 44 years old but he’s the one that got to clean out your place. He’s got the cap with the .22 hole in it.  He dragged bags and bags of your shit out of your house.  He’s also paying off your credit card bills because he wants to keep your house and build a legacy.

I love you so much, but I am so mad at you.  I already forgive you and I miss you. 

Your twin sister, age 53

Dear A.J., 

You are a great friend and I really wish you were here right now. But since you are not, this is what I have to say.

This is the first time I had ever had one of my best friends move, and I hate for you to be the victim of your family’s moving. It was hard for me and probably hard for you, too. I can’t even explain how long it has taken to move on, and I still think about you from last December. I can’t wait until 8th grade when you come back. Although I probably won’t recognize you, I hope for the best. 

Sincerely, 

Cole, age 10

Dear Mom and Dad,

I grew up with the notion that you guys didn’t love me enough because I never had new clothes like the other kids, or the latest technology device, and I always had to do chores, never heard the words “I love you” coming from you guys. Growing up, I resented that, and was a bit sad that you guys didn’t love me. I never got to experience bonding time with you guys and I grew up thinking to myself I would be a much better parent to my kids than you guys ever were. I’m twenty now, and it has taken me a long time to realize how much you do love me and how wrong I was about you guys. All those times I was alone, you were out working to support ten kids so we could have a roof and food on the table.

I’m so proud of you guys. You came to the US with no education and couldn’t speak English, but you guys managed to support us. Today you own your own house, cars, and all of your kids graduated from high school. Now that I’m in college, I realize all the bills you have to pay while still supporting ten kids is not easy, but you guys are wonderful and did it. Not once were we ever on the verge of being homeless. I love you guys.

Looking back, I am ashamed to be so selfish to want everything while you were busy supporting us so we could have an education you never had. You showed me the true meaning of the American dream: building a family from nothing, working hard, and at the end of the day knowing everything you own is yours cause you never gave up. I hope one day I can be half as a good as the parents you guys were. You guys are my motivation, my inspiration, my life. I love you.

Your daughter,

Alee, age 20 

Dear Love,

There are so many things I want to tell you, but I can’t. Like, I wish we could make it together, but I know we can’t. Our age difference plays against us in so many ways. We made a beautiful child, though. I love him more than you can know. You’ve only seen him twice, and it breaks my heart. Sometimes I wonder if you even care about him at all. I’m sure you do. I want to believe that you do anyway. I’ve tried my best to have you come see him, but something always comes up. Is it because you don’t want to see me? Do you think he isn’t yours?

I want to tell you how much I love you, and want us to be a family. You said you wanted the same. You said you were in love with me. That I had your heart. What happened to forever and ever, babe? If you think he isn’t your child, you’re sadly mistaken. He looks so much like you. You know, sometimes I look at him and cry. I wish I could tell you this, but I can’t. You hardly ever call to check on us. Maybe one day everything will work out; until then, I love you with all my heart. 

KP, age 17