Dear Boyfriend, 

I made a mistake. A big mistake. I was alone for so long. I felt unwanted and unloved, but then you came along. You changed everything for me. You were the first person to love everything about me. You took me as I was and showed me I was beautiful. Ever since you came into my life, you have taught me to love myself. Around you I feel loved. You taught me that my self- conscious thoughts about my body were irrational and made me feel comfortable in my skin. You were the first that ever made love to me instead of just having sex. The first who ever wanted to just cuddle. And the first to tell me you loved me. 

For all of this, I’m sorry. I lied to you. I said “I love you” when I didn’t mean it. I needed to learn to love myself first. I thank you for that, but I don’t know if I’ll ever feel the same as you. I don’t get butterflies when you look at me anymore. I have been pretending, and I don’t know how to walk away. I know I’m being selfish. I’m afraid of feeling alone and unloved again. I’m afraid that if I tell you the truth, you will leave me, and my self-conscious thoughts that consume me will be back again.  

I should have told you all this before that night. The night we bummed around all day while you held me and said you loved me. It was that night that I forgot to take my birth control and you forgot to bring a condom. The night that we thought wouldn’t be a big deal. It was a big deal. I’m pregnant and you are going to find out soon. And I’m not strong enough to do this on my own. I should have told you I didn’t love you.

I’m sorry. From now on our lives will change. I will live these next years with you and our child, even though I have never loved you. But you will never know. 

Sincerely,

Your Girlfriend, age 21