The Things You Would Have Said

Dear Whoever This May Concern,

You are special.  More special than you think you are.  You deserve whatever it is that makes you happy and don’t let anyone get in your way of accomplishing that.  You deserve it.  Never forget that.  You are beautiful and loved.  Follow your dreams and remember that people are also going through life’s battles, so pass along a nice word every once in a while.  Just remember, chase your dreams and help others with theirs.

Love,

Someone Who Cares, age 16

Dear Bruce,

I know I can’t be what you want. I know that I’m not what you need. We weren’t together, if you can even call it that, for very long. But that year and a half had some of the happiest times in my life. I don’t care that you don’t love me anymore. I’m getting a lot better about not trying to contact you. Because you asked me not to. It’s was not the easiest thing to do, but all I want to do is please you. So I’ve stopped, and the tears stopped as well.

I don’t know when we will meet again, but I know we will someday. And that one day will be bright and beautiful. I will always love you; may it be my curse, my burden of sorts. But that’s a burden I will always be willing to bare, even if you dropped it a long time ago.

The one thing I miss the most is just being able to say, “Goodnight” to you, and you replying, “Sleep Well”. I don’t think I will ever have someone to say that to again. And with that I say Goodnight Bruce, stay warm, and sleep well. 2011 will be much better than this year has.

With unending love,

G, age 21

Mom, 

I’m sorry for our relationship over the past 16 years. The arguing, the fighting, the battles. I want it to end before it’s too late to sit down and say “I love you” with no questions asked and no uneasy feelings between us. The way we treat each other is unbelievable. Between my lack of communication and honesty, and your lack of understanding and compassion, we have drifted so far apart. I hardly tell you anything anymore. I sit and watch other mothers and daughters talk about anything in the world, and I can only dream about a relationship like that between us. I’m sick of sitting and wishing for a new mother because I know you’re the only one I have and the only one I will ever get.

I absolutely and unconditionally love you, and I want to be able to show you that. I need someone that I can tell everything to, and know that they won’t turn around and judge me for what I just shared. You Mom, are that person I want to have the closest relationship with. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. I can only pray that one day we put aside all of our differences and just share with each other everything we’ve been wanting to tell the other. Hopefully, that day is soon. I miss you Mom. I love you.

Your oldest daughter, age 16

Dear Dad, 

All I ever wanted was to make you proud. I went to college ready to be the star that we all thought I would be. I know grades were big to you and I understand why now. I am sorry I got lost in this world and I am sorry I lied to you. Every time you asked me how I was doing I could never bring myself to tell you the truth because I couldn’t admit to myself how bad I was ruining my dreams and yours. I couldn’t bring myself to admit to you that I was not the person your raised me to be, and that I was not performing at the levels I was supposed to be. I couldn’t admit that I was wasting every opportunity that you were giving me. 

I ran away and enlisted so that I wouldn’t have to face your disappointment. So I wouldn’t have to hear how bad I let you down. So I wouldn’t have to see the look of disappointment on the rest of the family’s face. That was twelve years ago and to this day, and most likely until the day I die, it has been the greatest regret of my life. I often think of how much everything has changed. I wonder how you and Mom look, if Synthia is married by now, and how Ceasar must be getting ready to graduate soon. 

I just wanted to say that I’m doing good, I think you would be proud of the life I lead today. I got married three years ago and we had a baby boy today. I think he has our nose. Congratulations on being a grandfather. I hope I can be as good a father as you were. I miss you all very much and I love you with all my heart. I’m sorry for the pain I have caused. I hope someday I can face you and apologize for all of this. 

With all my love, 

Eric, age 30

Dear family,

I cried yesterday.

I didn’t cry for happiness but for sadness.

I never expected to be unimportant to you guys.

You tell me you love me but those are just words

They don’t mean anything anymore to me.

Everyday another tear, another cut and another me.

I keep hoping for light in my life,

I keep wishing that all my darkness was light.

I know that I don’t have the worst life ‘cause some kids have it worse

But I’m not strong enough to move on in this family.

I’m trying to do the worst things just to see if you guys care.

I’ve never had the attention that I wanted.

Mommy never taught me how to become a woman,

Daddy never told me how defend myself.

Brothers hit me just for the fun, just to have something to laugh about.

The worst part is that my best friends know the real me

And my family doesn’t.

But they don’t know the reason that I’m becoming crazy.

You never showed me real love.

I’m a 14 girl and I’m ready to see more in this life.

But you guys are stopping me from everything, just like a fucking dog.

Even in that, I still love you, I still admit I can’t live without you

Even if it’s hard moving on with you guys

Be happy ‘cause I love you guys

And I’ll be dying in your arms.

Thank you for showing me the negative side.

I hope you show me more of the positive before it’s too late.

-O, age 14

Dear Noelle,           

Noelle, you’re my best friend and I have loved you since the day I first saw you. You’re the loveliest thing I know of. You’re like nutella on crackers, or the smell of dawn in the middle of the summer. When we talk you’re like my sister, and when we play you’re like the brother I never had. You make me laugh like no one else can and you make me feel like I am the greatest man that ever lived. But you have the courage to tell me when I am wrong. You are my beautiful secret–I am the only one that knows you the way I do, and when I am feeling bad I just think of your smile and I know it will be ok. You’re stronger than anyone I know and you are completely selfless. I am completely, totally, undeniably in love with you, Noelle, and I have never told you. But something tells me you already know.

Love,

Your best friend, age 17

Dear Jason,

I miss you so much. Sometimes it seems silly, considering that in the last years of your life we were out of touch. You and I lived so far apart, and I was married and having babies, and you were doing your thing. 

My biggest regret is that the last time we spoke, it was a very brief conversation, and I can’t even remember if I told you that I loved you or not.

When I heard that you had died, I was devastated. I wanted so badly to go to your funeral, but my (now-ex) husband said we didn’t have the money. I know that we did, be he controlled the finances, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Sometimes I think about you, and I wish you were still around. I named my youngest son after you. I idolized you when we were younger. You were the cool older cousin that got to drive and listen to loud music and go to parties. And even when we were very little, I remember how you would play with me and do stuff with me even though you could have been doing cooler things than entertaining a 5 year old.

I remember how I hated you once, when I was 14 and you caught me sneaking a cigarette from your mom’s pack. I was so mad at you because you yelled at me. I was too embarrassed to tell you that only reason I had done it was to impress you. We were growing apart by then, and it didn’t seem fair. We finally lived close together, and when Mom and I had moved there I was so excited because I thought we would be best friends all the time. But you had your own life and we never hung out, and I was desperate to make you think I was cool so that you would stay at home with me.

Sometimes I wonder, if you hadn’t died in that stupid wreck, would we be close today? I don’t know. I would like to think that maybe we would have. After my marriage dissolved, I was going through hell, and I really think I would have tried to reconnect with you. But I guess we’ll never know now.

You’re with God now, and I hope that maybe sometimes you sneak a peek down here at your weird little cousin, who is all grown up. Maybe you would even be proud of me. And I don’t know if that whole thing where the dead speak to the living through their dreams is even possible, but if it is Jason, I would love to see you again.

Also, if it’s possible, do you think you could watch over Andrew? He is going to Afghanistan next month, and he could use all the divine intervention he can get. I would feel very comforted knowing you had his back.

I love you so much, and I really hope I get to see you again in heaven.

Love,

Heather, age 37

Dear Friends,

I wish the best to all of you. I wish that you all could grow out of the stages you have been going through.

I wish that you would remember that there is still good in life, and that not everything revolves around drugs and partying. I wish you could remember all the fun times we had before we met the people that brought us into all this. I wish I could go back and say no to everything that happened the night that changed everything, the night that was basically the ending to the rest of my life. You’ve all forgotten about the real world. Your all to caught up in this mess.

I wish that it didn’t take me getting arrested and facing four years of probation and two felonies to realize that none of this is worth it. I’m worried about all you. You’re going down the wrong path. You’re to caught up in what’s going on in your own little world, you’ve lost so many friends, hurt so many people, let down so many people, and made all the wrong decisions. Out of everything I could wish for, I’d wish for you guys to have some hope in yourselves and realize you’re good people, and better than all the drugs.

Love,

Sidney, age 16

SB,

It has been almost two years since you left us and I want to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that i never called you back three days before you died. I’m sorry I disconnected from you because I didn’t agree with the choices that you made. I’m sorry that our friendship crumbled. But I want you to know that I wanted to be there for you. It was just too hard to watch you chose the path you did.

I hope that you’re at peace now and I have found peace myself. I miss your laugh and your smiling face. I miss your lively personality and the times we had. I’m sad that when you left, we weren’t as close as we used to be. I hope you can forgive me for that. I know at times you felt like you had no one to turn to, but if you didn’t know it while you were still here, you are loved more than you’ll ever know.

Until we meet again,

S, age 21

Dear Bryan,

I wish you knew how much I really do love you. I also wish you knew how much it hurts that we’ve been together for a year and a half yet you won’t talk about a future with me. You used to call me your soulmate, your princess. I guess you, for some reason, have decided that I’m not anymore. You say that you love me with all your heart, but you don’t show it. If only you knew how much it hurt me to tell you that I didn’t think I could have a future with you since you’re so unsure of everything.

There have been countless nights I’ve cried myself to sleep because I can feel us slipping away. After everything that’s been said and done, how many times you’ve hurt me, I stayed by your side because I love you that much. When I told you I was giving you all of me, I meant it. If only you meant it when you said the same.

Your girl,

Shannon, age 19

Mr. D,

Thank you. Thank you so much for being such an amazing teacher. Whenever I walk into your room, I know that I will be able to laugh in a matter of minutes. No matter how badly my day is going or how stressed I am, I know that your class can always cheer me up. Even when you insist on teaching us the material, you make it fun, and we barely realize that we are actually learning. And when it’s time for a test, we are surprised to find that we know what we are doing. It takes a truly amazing teacher to teach his students without them realizing.

But you don’t just teach us about statistics. You teach us about the world and people around us. You teach us that every one of us has potential. You teach us that we have the power to be good people. We have the power to help those around us and make the world a better place.

When you told us your “life story”, you made half the class tear up. To see that someone with such a horrible childhood could grow up to be such an inspirational person shows us that anything is possible. We could all see that when you were talking about your brothers and your cousins, that it was difficult for you, and that part of you is still hurt about what happened. We could also see that when you were talking about your wife and daughter, that you genuinely love them and would do anything for them. And when you told us that we could come to you to talk about anything, even when it was a minuscule issue, we know that you meant it.

I know that you think your younger brother was very social and had a big personality, but in my opinion, it’s you that has the big personality. You are loving, caring, funny, smart, helpful, and so much more. And best of all, you believe in us. You have faith in us that we can go on to do something big. Not only that, but you expect if from us, as if it is our duty. And we know that you are not asking us to bring world peace or solve the energy crisis. You are simply asking us to be good people and to help those around us. It’s not the kind of expectation that would make our life stressful. It’s the kind of expectation that everyone in the world needs to live up to. And for that, I want to thank you again. I know that you have made every student that you have taught a better person.

Thank you for making the world a better place. You really are inspirational.

With love,

Your past, present, and future students

Dear Henry,

Today I found out you have leukemia. 

I know that I don’t know you too well, that you live across the country, and you are ten years older than me, but I love you so much.

Daddy told me a few days ago that you haven’t been feeling well. I thought it was just one of Dad’s attempts at making conversation. I asked what was wrong and he just said that you had to go to the hospital and have some tests run.

But we were driving home tonight and I asked how you were feeling. Dad said, “Oh, well, Henry, he has leukemia. You know what that is, cancer.” I knew my dad was crying silent tears. I’ve only seen him cry once before. He was trying to hold back the tears, but it wasn’t working. 

You mean a lot to all of us and I wish I knew you better. Here is what I will always remember of you:

When I was 7 years old and you came to our house for Easter, and I was complaining to Mom about my dress and you told me, “But you look like a princess. You are beautiful." 

When I was 8 years old and you came to our house for Easter and you spent a good 10 minutes taking pictures of our cat because he was the “cutest thing you have ever seen.”

When I was 10 years old and your whole family came out to the east coast to see us and we all went out for Mexican food. You brought your girlfriend, and after you introduced me to her, you said to me, "But you’re still the princess. The most beautiful girl.”

When I was 13 years old and we had a family reunion. How you were the only one who actually slept outside for all seven days in the somewhat chilly summer air at our log cabin.

Dad says it’s a fairly easy to treat a case of leukemia, but his tears told me differently. If I don’t see you soon, I hope you are doing okay.

I miss you, am thinking of you, and love you dearly.

Your younger cousin, age 14

Dear Daddy,

I know you have done lots of stupid things, things you wish you could take back. We all have. Especially me. When I said those hurtful things, I didn’t mean to make you cry, I promise. No matter what you would have said, you would have made me happy. Just the sound of your voice would turn my whole day around. Your my hero, Daddy. You didn’t have the best life but you always managed to be strong for me.

I am trying daddy to be strong but nothing works. I still have messages from you on Facebook and it just doesnt seem real. I can’t accept it. I should have seen your body so it seemed real, but I was scared, Daddy. Sometimes I lay in my floor all day long and just cry. Aunt Brani and Bubba miss you so much. I know Bubba wanted it to end differently. We all did. The worst part at your funeral was seeing Bubba. He tried so hard to stay strong for all of the kids that he kept his sun glasses on in the church and cried like that.

Please tell Jesus to take it easy on me and the family. I know he says he will never put you through things you can’t handle, but I really can’t handle this. I love you more than you or anyone will ever know. I promise I’ll look out for my brothers and sisters, and one day I will tell them all how great you were and about all the fun times we had together. They are all so young so I am going to try my hardest to give them as many memories as I can. I love you, Daddy. I love you so much. And I miss you more than you can imagine. 

Love,

Morgie, age 15

You,

I wrote about it in 10 hidden angsty poems.  
I have relived it in a thousand famous emo songs. 
Then I found this site when reading a news article.  
I thought, if nowhere else, I could say it here.  
Anonymously.  Cowardly?  
But I have typed and then hit Back Space so many times … and again. 
I am still here and one day I will be strong. 
I think I’ll tell you then.
 
Thirty minutes to write a short paragraph about nothing was not a waste.  
I am just that little bit stronger.

Sissy, age 34

To my lost love,

If I could really send this to you, this is what I would want you to know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that 32 years ago, I let you slip away. I wish things had been different. Circumstances got in the way of us but I loved you so very much. I don’t know if you knew how hard it was for me when you left to go to college. If only we could go back in time. But since we can’t, all I can say is I’m so sorry.

You are undoubtedly the biggest regret of my life. I will never forget the way I felt when you kissed me. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and I have always wondered if you thought about me, too.

You are a good man-I hope you have had a happy life. Thank you for being a part of my life that was so very special. 

I will never forget you and I will always love you.

Sally, age 54

Dear God,

Please come save me. Why haven’t you saved me? I thought you loved everyone.

Do you know that I’ve wanted you more than anything ever? I cry when other people pray, or when I see churches crowded, or when I see plays about you. Why didn’t you come for me?

I cried for you. I sobbed for you.

You didn’t save me, you never came for me. I’m afraid to ask for you again because I don’t want to look stupid in front of…you.

Please come find me. I’m waiting for you.

I miss you, and I need to know that you miss me too.

Kelsey, age 16

Heather,

It feels like it’s been so long. Maybe I’m just living too fast. I woke up from a dream last night and missed you all over again. You were the first girl I loved. I remember driving to St. Louis and walking the streets of the city at night. A beautiful night with  a more than beautiful girl. I often wonder what I could have done to change things. To make them like what you said they would be.  Nothing comes to mind. I think what I regret most is letting you go without being sorry. You were never sorry for how you hurt me. I couldn’t seem to understand that.

I’ve been writing more songs. They are about you. I will be in the studio again soon. Remember when I told you I could give you the whole world? I’ll be touring soon. You could have been here with me. It’s funny how you dream about something your whole life, and when you finally have it, it’s just not good enough anymore. Life’s a lovely little mess.

Well have a nice life.

“You’re just saying that." 

You know me all to well.

Jon, age 29

Dear Mommy & Daddy,
 
You say that you two love each other, and maybe you do in some way, but I don’t think you two have a healthy marriage. I don’t think you guys married the right person. Not that either of you are bad people or parents, I just don’t think you were “the one(s)” for each other.
 
You two don’t treat each other with as much respect as you both should. Mommy, you may complain about Daddy, but now that I’m more mature and can view your relationship with less of a bias, I notice that you are just as “bad” as he is.
 
On your anniversary just a few weeks ago, you both said the only reason that you two are still together is because of us. Did you even realize what you were saying?
 
I would never encourage or suggest divorce. But if you do, I don’t think it would be so bad. To be honest, I think it would be healthy for the both of you. Although you two may love each other, it’s obvious that you are not in love with each other. I don’t think you have been for a while now. I feel sorry that you ended up marrying someone that you would stop being in love with.
 
One of the greatest hopes for my future is to not make the same mistake you two did. I want the man I marry to be the man that I not only love, but  the man I am in love with for the rest of my life.
 
Sincerely,
Your daughter, age 19

Dear Diana, 

Diana, you make the best cinnamon toast in the world. Thank you for letting me come over. 

Love, 

Ethan, age 7

My dearest father,

I know that we never really saw eye to eye while I was growing up and that I did a lot of things to hurt you, both intentional and unintentional, which to this day I am very sorry for. I wish I could have the chance to take them back or correct. But please know I am truly sorry for the pain that I caused you.

I have finally come to understand why you had such a hard time dealing with the fact that I was gay and why you were so hurt by finding this out. As I see it, it must have been very hard on you to know that your only son would never produce an heir to you and carry on your family name. I feel very ashamed that I did not take the time to try and understand how you must have felt. 

I am not sorry that I am gay, but for the way I told you, and how inconsiderate I was to your pain. For this I am truly sorry and hope that you have managed to forgive me after all these years.

I hope that God is keeping you safe.

Your loving son,

Ellis, age 47

To the older man who raped me when I was a young girl,

The shame is yours. I have forgiven myself, but I will never forgive you. “Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent free in your head.” Esther Lederer. The fact that I do not let this incident define my life does not excuse your actions. 

Just because I could imitate a whore doesn’t mean I was one. Why didn’t you tell me to wipe of that make up, take off that outfit, and go back to my parents? I did not know what consent was. How could I have been asking for it?

I followed your hungry-eyed directions. You were shaking. Maybe you were thinking about being raped in prison? I’ll never know. I heard what they do to child molesters there, and that has helped me regain my faith in people.

Now that I have a real husband who loves me, I do realize what a kind of a man you are. I know you will never have a life as happy as what I have today. Thank you, for showing me exactly what not to look for in a man.

If I ever see it again, I will cut it off.

Emily, age 25

To my father’s dad,

I never got the chance to meet you because you died when my dad was only three. I really wish you were alive so I could see what kind of person you would have been. You have an awesome son. He is the best dad anyone could ever ask for. He is smart, caring, and he is always there. He puts his family first. Always.

I always wonder what you were like. It crosses my mind every now and then. Even though you will never read this and you don’t even know that I exist, I wish there was a way I could tell you how great of a man your son became. I wish you could have watched him grow and could have been there for him for everything. But most of all, I wish I could meet the father of the best man in the world.

Love,Tiffany, age 18

Dear Ashleigh,

It has been three years now that you have not lived with me. I wake up every morning and go to bed every night crying because you are not there and it is because of me and what I did. I never thought that I would fall into such a deep place in the world after having a beautiful daughter like you. I waited for God to send you to me for 15 years of trying. You were a big surprise and you still amaze me to this day.

I am allowed to see you for five hours a week per the court and it is supervised by your father. It is something I look forward to all week long. I think of you all day and get so excited when I can talk to you on the phone at night, even when you say you want to watch Hannah Montana instead. You are only 5 years old so I try to understand. I am not the same person I was 3 years ago when they took you away. I am torn apart because I do not have you with me. I am so sorry that it cannot be the way it was before.

One day soon you will be able to come stay with me and I cannot wait for that time we can spend together. I hope as you grow older you will realize that people, including your mother, make mistakes. Please do not listen to the horrible things your father and your grandparents say about me.

I love you with all of my heart and I hope you can feel that when we are together. You are truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you.

Mom, age 41

Dear Large-Headed Boy,

Thanks for introducing me to Flight of the Conchords. I really love them. They don’t make up for what you did, though.

Sorry.
Me, age 15

Mr. and Mrs. Potts,

You guys are the married teachers. You are the band directors and share a classroom. You have around 400 students. We are all your children. There is a ten year age difference so you guys choose not to have children. She is younger, and you can tell everyday she ‘insta-adopted’ random kids. She wants kids. He looks after me. He wants children too. I am like the daughter you never had. 

The way you guys look at each other make us believe in love. You flirt with each other even when you know we are watching. You lovingly mock each other. You guys have little quarrels in class. You guys are the 'power couple’ other couples want to be. You work, live and sleep together. You have true devotion to each other.

Mr. Potts, you constantly tell your wife she is beautiful and intelligent. You tell us often about how much you love her and what she means to you. You even announced it one night at a rehearsal. Mrs. Potts, you look out for him, constantly worry, and he always lets you have your way. You wear the pants in the relationship. You guys are a beautiful couple. You are always there for each other.

As for the band children, Mr. Potts, you made sure we had our rain jackets when it got cold, and you made sure boys didn’t lay a hand on one of your 'daughters.’ Mrs. Potts, we can come to you with any problem we have, and you will help us. No matter what the circumstances.

You are always there for us. You are always there for each other.

Your student, age 15

Dear Dad,

There are so many things I wish I could and would have said to you. I wish I hadn’t tried to be as strong as you, and shown more emotion. I wish I would have hugged you more often, and accepted what was going to happen instead of fighting the reality of things. I wish I would have sat and watched more movies with you after you couldn’t walk anymore. I wish we could have talked about life and your experiences. I should have spent more time with you, whether at doctor appointments or after school. I wish I would have told you I loved you more often, how you are my hero and have inspired me to do everything I have accomplished since you’ve been gone.

I am on my way to becoming a Doctor now, just like you had hoped for me. There have been times where I haven’t believed in myself, but I still remember those last few words you said to me before the cancer took your speech; how you thought I could become anything and wanted me to use my gift to help others. That has kept me going. I am sorry that I didn’t spend more time with you. I was too young and angry that life was treating you that way, and I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want to let you go, so I never said goodbye until it was too late.

I want to thank you for waiting for me that last day at the hospital. I hope you heard me tell you I love you and felt me hold your hand before you passed away. I want you to know how much I love you, and how I still think about you everyday, six years later. I can still hear your laugh and see you smile. I want you to know you are still my inspiration and my hero. I love and will never forget you.

Your son, age 23