The Things You Would Have Said

Hi,

I’m not happy like I used to be. Like when I was with you. Without you I’m sort of always depressed. I wish I never fought with you. I wish I would have spent more time with you. I was really happy when you were there when I graduated from prep to the first grade. But I was really sad when I graduated from the sixth grade. That diploma I have is now just flying around the house, not hung in some picture frame. Mom, I still remember the last time I saw you; you were crying, you were really sad when you last looked at me. Dad, I can’t remember the last time I saw your face because I was hiding under my bed sheet while you were fighting with my big brother. I’m in the eighth grade now, dreaming of lots of things I know I’ll fail at because I want you to be there with me if i’m gonna succeed in anything. I’m gonna finish high school soon, and I know you won’t be there. But I wish you could. Please remember that I will always love you. 

Your youngest child, age 13

P.S. I wish both of you were still alive.

Dear Aunt Stacey,

I wish I got the chance to meet you. I hear stories of you all the time, of how wonderful and what a great person you were. You never deserved to die at such a young age because of people’s carless actions. You nevergot to live. To go on your first date, to experience puberty, to go to high school, Prom, to get married to grow up with my mom and uncle. To not meet my brother and I. I miss you, even though we’ve never met, laughed or been there for one another; I wish always that we did. You and I would have been best friends. I’m so mad I never got that chance, that you never got any of those chances. We all miss you everyday. You are a memory that will never will be forgotten. I love you.

Niece, age 19

Dear Ryan,

I remember when we were in high school together, talking about getting a place in NYC and decorating it with Urban Outfitters. We gleefully sang random songs together, drew funny pictures in class, and listened to classical music like the nerds we are. I’ll never forget when my mum walked in during a certain scene of a movie we were watching, and you explained that the nudity was “artistic.”

We helped each other through drama. When I was done with (yet another) dirtbag, you were one of the only people who could make me feel pretty. When your family gave you a hard time, I brought you into mine. My parents always liked to brag about their “son.” You were like a brother to me.

I wish you hadn’t gone to that other school in that other town. I wish that you hadn’t met those friends. I wish that you had better parents, who would give you love and acceptance so that you wouldn’t have to search in other places.

I wish we had never let our friendship die. I tried to explain that it had absolutely nothing to do with you being gay, but I don’t think that you ever really believed that someone who loved God could really love you. It wasn’t even the drugs, though those did bug me. You just weren’t the same guy. You left sweet and sensitive, and came back hardened and bitter. Caring wasn’t cool anymore, and you had nothing nice to say about anyone, especially the one who loved you the most.

I wish that I could have handled our problems better. I was already tired and hurting physically, mentally, and emotionally. When things didn’t look good, I retreated into myself and didn’t come out until you were gone. I am so sorry for that, and I always will be.

I miss my best friend. Other people have come and gone, but you were something special. Sometimes I hope we’ll cross paths, do some catching up, and never part ways again. I know that things don’t usually work that way, but I still hope they will for us.

I love you, my Teddy Bear. I never stopped loving you.

Sincerely,

Sarah, age 20

My Darling,

 Last Valentine’s Day, I wrote you a letter trying to tell you just how I felt about you. About all of the joy that you, the woman of my dreams, had brought to my life. Now, almost a year later, I realize that what I should have said was goodbye.

I should have let you go then, but I didn’t have the courage.  I knew how difficult our relationship was for you but I didn’t want to face the prospect of not having you in my life.  I realize now how selfish that was of me.  I am sorry that I was not stronger.  Had I been stronger, perhaps the events of March and August would not have happened and your life would be so much different from what it is now.  And for that, I will always be sorry.

You are always in my heart.

Laine, age 53

Dear Biological Dad,

You left when I was two years old. I never really met you. You called me when I was five but then never called or sent me a letter again. Where are you? I don’t know you. Can I get to know you?

My mom taught me to “find the guy your looking for and make sure his the one,” but you never taught me a thing about life, or anything at that matter. When can I meet you? I’ve grown up with a step-dad that loves and cares for me. All you do is pay child support and don’t talk to me at all. Why? Why can’t you call once an a while? Our number and address didn’t change. Just please tell me why you kicked me out of your life? I feel like there’s a part of me missing in my life.

I just need to know who you are. I can’t stand this anymore. I want to meet you, but you’re always busy. At least that’s what my aunt says. For twelve long years, I haven’t seen you. How do you think I felt when you never called me? Just please tell me why you can’t call or send me a letter to me. Is it because you have another family and your forgetting about me? Or is it because you just don’t love me anymore? Please tell me. Please.

Sara, age 14

Dear Aunt Holly,

I’m very proud to be your god-daughter. I miss you so much. The past two years of holiday parties and birthdays have not been the same without you; you brighten the room with your laugh. I know you would be proud of me and that’s what makes time away from family easier. I know my job is dangerous but I also know that you wanted us to do what makes us happy. You have taught me more than you’ll ever know. Not only academics but life lessons. Even making me swear to teach me to stand up for myself. 

So thank-you’s for… making me swear, pushing me to do my best but showing me there’s more to life than work, believing in me when I did not, letting me be my own person, sticking up and lying for me, teaching me how to cook, making me go outside my comfort zone, letting me tastes your mixed drinks, being one of the closet and best friends anyone can have. I know you will watch over me when I’m in the field. 

Laurie, age 29

Dear 15 year old me,

Don’t do it. Do not give it up because you want to know what it’s like, or want to do it because everyone is doing it. Don’t cross this line. Don’t give up the most valuable treasure God has given you.

There will be a time in your life where you will accept Jesus Christ as your savior and you will realize that sex isn’t everything. Sex doesn’t fulfill your need for love, attention, popularity. It doesn’t make you a wiser person, cooler or more wanted.

There is a time in life when you will look back and say “I wish I would have waited.” You will think "I wish I would have kept this special moment for the one God wants me to be with- my true love.”

God is all the love you need, and when times get hard and complicated, always rely on him and trust in him. Every man you will give a piece of your body to is not worth it until you find the one who will respect you for YOU, who will respect your decision and will wait for you.

Keep this treasure, value yourself, your body, your heart and seek the love in Him. Please wait, stay strong, stay faithful and it will be worth it. Sleeping around, not knowing how many men you slept with, losing track of how many times your heart got broken and how your expectations got destroyed is not worth it. Keep your heart and body safe.

Please, I am begging you, do not give it up.

Me, 12 years later, not knowing how many men I gave it up for

Dear Dan,

September 16^th was the ten year anniversary of your death. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and other times it seems like eternity.  I remember our last talk. We both knew that your days were numbered. Before our last conversation, I said I’d come to see you in the hospital. I did start off, driving on the road, but at the first light I could not compose myself. I was shaking. Looking back, I realize I was having a full-blown panic attack.

I just could not foresee how to drive down my mountain, up to your mountain.  I could not overcome my fear and I turned around and went back home. It took me some time to gather myself together to call you and confess to my not coming.

At first, when you picked up and realized that I wasn’t coming, you did get a little angry.  But then, I just began telling you how, from the depth of my heart, how my fear of seeing you for the last time took over me. And you, my dear friend, you began to console me and I can’t tell you what a relief it was hearing your understanding. You told me that you never learned from anyone as much as you learned from me and thanked me for who I am. We agreed that I would call you the next day and that I would make plans to try again to come and see you. 

The next day, at the agreed time, I called. And you, my dear friend, you didn’t pick up. I knew that this was it. Sure enough, that same night your daughter called me in dispair: “Come, he’s dying, please come?” This time I knew I must be strong. I called a cab. It was after 1am. As soon as I arrived, I knew I would never hear your voice. The doctor came in, looked around, and asked who she should speak to.  I’m glad you told me what you wanted to be done when the time comes. I made the decision to turn off the life support. I said to you, “Fly, my dear, fly to love and freedom.” And you were gone.

For years, I kept regretting that never taken trip to see you for the last time. Today, I understand now, you are still with me. I want to thank you for your love. You loved me for me, accepting me the way I am. You showed me through your unconditional love how to love myself. Thank you, dear friend. Rest in peace.

Love,

Ildi, age 54

Dear Ronald,

How’s it going? I know it must suck for you right now. Seeing as you’re in the prison cell, and I’m out here in the real world, making mistakes left and right. But I’m seriously wondering how things are going.  Are you excited to get out? I’m thinking that I would be ecstatic about getting out. I was just thinking how you got put in there while I got put in a rehabilitation place. I’m sure you have a lot more dangers in your world right now.

You know, I’ve had a lot of time to think about what you did to me. And I’ll be honest, sometimes it does make me mad. If I get to stand in front of a door, maybe catch my reflection out of the corner of my eye, it can and it probably will make me angry. But you know, after it’s all said and done, I go to sleep the same way I always have. So, I guess after saying all of that, I just want to say, “It’s okay, what you did.”

I would say that to you and I would want to give you a huge but the prison people probably wouldn’t allow it. So, I guess you and I will have to live with a hand held out in acceptance of one another.  But that wouldn’t be that bad. I’ve got to go for now, but I’ll see you around sometime.

Sincerely,

Brandon, age 25

Dear Linda,

When I was going into sixth grade, a new house went up in our neighborhood. We neighborhood kids used to play over there and some of the best times we had were there.

I did not know it at the time that the people who were building the house had a daughter named you. After the house was finished, just before school started, your family moved in and my world changed. You became one of the best friends I ever had. We’d play together; everything from doctor to house, putting a store together on your deck.

We went to school together and what I remember especially was how you walked to the back of the bus with me and sat with me even when the other kids were teasing me and tormenting me every single day. You never stopped being my friend.

Then came the day you told me you were moving, after only two years. I never felt so lost and sad in my whole life. On the day you actually moved, I cried and cried while the other neighborhood kids, and even my own brother and sisters, laughed and played in your yard. I remember you giving me a rose which touched me deeply, while making me cry all the harder. Then you were gone and I only saw you once after that, even though we wrote for a while.

Time moved on, as well as our lives, and today I am 58 and you soon will be. But I have never stopped thinking of you and what a difference you made in my life. I search for you, and when I find you or someone I think is you, I am going to write and thank you for being my friend, and hope that maybe we can be friends again.

Love,

Kait, age 58

Dear Markee,

We celebrated your passing at a friend’s house in the country.  A big mid-western storm came up. Lots of rain. Branches blown off trees.  Hid in the house til it was over. Saw old friends I haven’t seen in years.

Your mother, Aunt Rose. The last time I saw her I was in my 20’s. Now I’m in my 60’s. We also honored George Murray—it was harder for his wife and small children. So sad, the boys full of energy, but where to go, what to do with it.  The mom on the edge of tears, keeping it together, being loving.

After dinner we had a small burning man, a scare crow figure dressed in your clothes. We all tucked notes in with words we had to say to pass on to you in the other world. Geoffrey recited some Kenneth Patchen poetry, I started singing “Nature Boy”, the number one top ten hit of our birth year, 1948. People joined in, the young and the old. It was good to see my generation and children and grandchildren. Rose’s granddaughter’s pregnant, almost due. New life to come.  

Some of the lyrics sung and danced to in the dusk:

“Their was a boy, a very strange enchanted boy

He traveled very far, very far over land and sea

And then one day he passed my way

He talked of many things, tools and kings

This he said to me, the greatest thing you’ll ever learn

Is trust to love and be loved in return

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn

Is trust to love and be loved in return.”

George, age 62

Dear Christopher,

I just wanted to let you know that I miss you terribly. The older I get the more I miss you. I can’t help to think about what you would do in certain situations and the advice you would have given me. It’s hard to do it alone. I also wanted you to know that when I pray to you and I am upset, I don’t mean to say those things. I am just still hurting. You didn’t just leave me here, you didn’t abandon me and I understand why you couldn’t take me with you. Holidays are tough. October is the toughest. I just want you to know that I am trying my hardest to keep it together and I am trying my hardest to do the best I possible can with the opportunities given to me. I am sorry for not keeping in contact with Scottie the way you would like. I’ll make an effort to reach out to him and your family more. I love you. I miss you. I wish to God you were still here.

Love, Dee  23

Chris,

I don’t remember our last kiss. That makes me cry.

Alli, age 19

Dear VJ, 

I know it has been a long time since we spoke to each other. In fact, it’s been two years and seven months since we last spoke.  And I know I never gave you a reason for cutting you out of my life.  I look back now and I realize I should have been more patient and kind to you.

Initially, it felt good to not hear lame excuses. It felt good to not have you constantly interrupt me in class, or keep me from talking to other people, or have you compete with me in everything I did. Even the new shoes I bought, you had to have them. And it had to be better than mine.

But now when I look back, I realize you were just trying to desperately hold on to me in a new environment where you felt lost and out of your comfort zone. I know I felt the same, too, but I dealt with it in a different way. I know you only wanted to be close friends with me, but I never saw that. I only saw a clingy and a whiny girl, when I really should have seen a vulnerable and desperately shy friend.

We never fought, argued or created a scene. We just stopped speaking to each other. I keep thinking how different our lives would have been if I hadn’t ignored you on the first day of school after the holidays, and you didn’t purposely avoid me for the rest of the day. Because truth to be told, you are a nice person. A genuinely nice person.

I know we both have moved on now, and have different things in our lives bothering and exciting us. But I want you to know that I’m truly sorry for what happened between us and that I’ll never forget you.

-Rats, age 23

Dear Christopher,

On April, 15 2008, you died in your sleep.  It’s been over three years.  Son, I miss you.  Every day that goes by I miss you even more. Your dad and I go to the cemetery twice a week and light candles for you even though I know you don’t need it because you are in heaven.  There is no other place for an angel. Chris has not forgotten his “favorite” uncle. That boy really loved you. Kailey thinks you will come back soon and Jeremy thinks the same. Those kids loved you so much. Do you know that they won’t even say a lie because they say you would not want them to?

You know, when you died I nor your father knew what to do. After all, we were in a strange country with it’s own laws and such.  But I know you were there watching everything and I know you were proud of us.  We handled you funeral well.

My son, if ever I did not say “I love you, my baby boy” I’m sorry.  I tried to tell you and your brothers and sisters that I love you all, at least ten times a day, remember?  You kids used to get tired of me but I didn’t care. Cause I love you.  Son, I hope that you don’t miss us to the point that you fail to enjoy all that heaven has for you.  I want you to be happy and not worry about my pain.

Love,

Mommy, age 47

Mr. C.,

I knew you for two short years. But in those 730 some odd days, you impacted my life. I remember the first time I cried. Your son (with whom I no longer talk to, as you very well know) called me to say the cancer was back, and worse. The wind was knocked out of me. In my young adult life, I had never known someone who was dying. And here you were, one of the most incredible men I’ve ever met, a second father to me, and you were slowly losing the fight.

I did what little I could, and I know you appreciated it. Remember that time I went with you and ‘him’ to the hospital for your chemo treatment? I made you laugh, even though you were in pain. I remember when they had to rush you to the hospital. I picked him up and drove as fast as I could, fearing that this was the end. False alarm, but I had never been so scared in my life. I wrote you that note, left in on the counter in your house saying that you were the strongest man I knew. From what he told me, you kept in on the dresser next to your bed. I scratched your back when the chemo ruined your skin and you told me you were so glad that I was becoming apart of your family. 

Well, things have changed since you left us. I walk to class and look up and talk to you everyday. But I’m no longer apart of your family. He said I never cared about you. He said I didn’t understand his pain when you died. He lashed out at me, and bullied me because he didn’t know how else to cope with your absence. He became so angry, so mean. He hurt the ones that loved him most. I was ignored, and belittled, and hurt. All I did was love every piece of him. I tried my hardest to ignore the pain he was causing me, because I knew he was hurting so much worse. But in the end, it didn’t matter. He threw me away and traded me for a girl who never got the chance to know the wonderful man that you were.

It hurt the most that he said I never cared about you and that I never cared that you died. You were a second father to me, and I loved you, even all the times you forgot my name and made fun of my blonde moments. You were everything I wanted in a father-in-law, and you told me that you couldn’t believe that in a few short years, I could be your daughter. I held onto those words for the past two years since you’ve been gone, but I had to let them go. I love you, I loved him, but I need to let go. Thank you for shining your light on me always.

L, age 21

Dear Brown Bear,

Do you remember when we came up with that nickname? I tried calling you my teddy bear, but you would not settle. “No, call me Brown Bear.” I was never able to call you mine, but I felt in my heart you were. When I met you it was like fate had brought us together, or just a crappy job. I had just turned 17 and I was getting my first job. I was nervous around you, and so shy. I always could feel your eyes on me, just watching. When you asked for my number then a few weeks later and "accidentally” called me babe, I knew I was going to fall head over heels for you. I did. I still am. 

I still remember all our memories, and often enough they keep me up at night. Throughout my senior year, a huge portion of my favorite memories were with you. I remember the laughter, the kisses, the hugs, and the joy we had being together. But you were so much older than me. When I finally had the courage to tell my stepmom about you, I was so happy she approved. I felt like the time spent with you was the happiest of my life, and they still are.

You had this way of making me smile just with a look. Do you remember when I stayed at work late knowing you were coming in? I looked forward to coming to work because I knew you would be there, even if just for an hour more. Every time you came in the backroom you were singing, or would tell me “no llores” or “boo boo da foo”. That will always be my favorite name. 

Even though we fell apart quickly, I still care about you and love you. I should have told you how I felt about you. Maybe than things would be different now. Maybe I would still be happy. I think about you often, I pray for you, and I hope the best for you in life. I still feel in my heart you are one of the best people to ever appear in my life, just for a year, and made me fall in love. You are my first true love, and to this day I wish I would have had the courage to tell you this.

I know deep down, whoever gets to call you theirs is truly a lucky woman. You are one of the few respectful, kind, loving, happy, caring, lovable gentleman out there. I am so blessed to have been able to call you mine, even for so short of a period. I wish I would have been able to keep you longer, but life took us down different paths.

There are only a few things I regret. One, that I never truly told you how I felt. Two, when I didn’t go fishing with you and when I didn’t go to the party. I look back now, and realize that you were truly reaching out to me. You wanted me there with you to share an experience, together. This is something I get to live with for the rest of my life. Three, how everything ended. When we saw each other, we wouldn’t look each other in the eye. We couldn’t even acknowledge the others existence. I think this is what kills me the most. I miss you and I wish we were still friends. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. I miss being the reason there is a smile on your face. I miss waking you up in the morning with a kiss.

If ever a time comes in your life when you need someone, I want you to know I will ALWAYS be here for you. No matter what. You changed my life, you helped me grow up, and you made me happy again. I hope I made an impact on you. I hope when you grow older and have children, you will tell them about me. I think the hardest thing was letting you go, but now I realize the hard part was not wanting to let you go. Writing this letter comes in close second to that, and third will be pushing the Send button once I finish.

I just want you to know when you’re feeling down, there is always someone who cares about you. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers. Everything you gave me on Valentine’s Day, I still have and cherish. The teddy bear will always be near; it’s my security blanket since you aren’t around anymore. I don’t think I will ever get rid of it, because I will lose another piece of you. It will be tattered and torn with stuffing coming out of it before I will be able to let go of it, and of you.

Love,

Boo boo da foo, age 18

Dear Pop Pop,

I don’t even know where to begin.  It has been nine years, seven months and two days since you passed but the hurt still lingers like it was yesterday. I could never even put into words how much I truly miss you. I feel you with me often, though, I know you’re always there, but that will never compare to the feeling of the button-down shirt in my arms and the smell of Winstons, coffee, and mints.

I think of you every day, and each time I do I wonder how different things would be if you weren’t gone. I wish I could tell you all this to your face and hear your voice again, telling me I’m your princess and that everything will be okay. It breaks my heart over and over again that although I can feel you, I can’t hear you. I just wanted to let you know that I love you more than I did that day, I miss you more and more as time goes by, and I will never, EVER forget you. Everything you watch me do, I do to make you proud.

Love you more than you’ll ever know,
Lauren Rose, 18

Dear John,

Thirteen years have passed and I haven’t got a chance to apologize. This has been bugging my conscience for a very long time.

I am sorry for lying to you, saying that I got pregnant and I aborted it when we were together in Calamba. I know that as a good Christian, this hasn’t been easy for you to accept, that you weren’t able to do anything to save the baby.  That, until now, this has been bugging you.  How I wish I had admitted to you a long time ago that it never happened.

I was never pregnant and therefore it was impossible to undergo abortion.  I had to say this so that when you despised me because of what I did, it would be easy for you to say goodbye. 

I loved you so much. In the beginning, I was not hurt every time you were with your girlfriend.  I knew from the very beginning that I was to blame; I came into the scene when you are already committed to her.  But there came a point that I felt I could never give you up to her.

I am sorry and I wish you could read this.

Jasmina, age 38

Dad,

I’m not really sure where to start. There’s so much to say; so much to try and make you understand. I remember how I felt almost a year ago. My world was crumbling and I felt like I was being crushed by the weight of everything. Years of awful memories and dark thoughts had pulled me down. I felt hopeless. I’m not sure that you’ll ever be able to fully understand what I went through- the things I had to do to make it out of a dangerous situation intact. 

I know how scared you were when I first decided to take this year off of school. I could hear it in your voice. It couldn’t have been easy for you to watch me make such a life-altering decision. Thank you for trusting me, and for being patient. I can tell you without a doubt that this past year saved my life. This year brought me back. 

The lessons that I learned were ones I couldn’t learn in a classroom. I learned how to take care of myself (not just financially). I learned how to be happy again. I had forgotten what it felt like to really feel the wind in my hair and to smile until it hurt. I had forgotten how to let people in. I have dreams again. 

I know I don’t make things easy for you. I’m not always easy to love, and there have been several occasions where I used words to try and hurt you. I wasted a lot of energy wanting you to be someone you’re not. I wanted us to have a certain relationship, but I’ve come to love our relationship more than the one I used to hope for. I love you for who you are, stubbornness and all.  I love how you’ve supported me my entire life. I love that you’ll always be there for me. For the first time I truly trust in that. 

I hope someday soon you’ll be able to see the changes that I feel. Thank you for giving me the space I needed to grow. 

I love you always, 

Missy, age 22

Dear Mike,

I know that I am never gonna see you again, but I still can’t believe it. I know they say that you shouldn’t miss people from the past because there’s a reason why they’re not in your future, but I can’t help it. I miss you so much. I dream everyday that you would move near me.

I know that we can’t ever be together, but for every thought I have about anyone else, I spend a thousand on you. I know you don’t think of me in the same way. I sometimes wish I’d never met you so I’d never know what I can’t have. I love you, I miss you.

Love,

Mary, age 17

Dear Carmen, 

You love being inside now. I can tell because you hated Marvis being inside while you were outside. You never got much attention, did you?! We’re so sorry we left you outside. I’ll love you no matter what. 

Sincerely, 

Charlie, age 9