The Things You Would Have Said

Dear Storm,

It’s been a year since you died so suddenly, and though my heart still aches for you the pain has lessened.  A few things have changed around the house since you have gone. 

Dad got a “kitty condo”, even though right now it’s just Pandora and Rhianna in the house.  They fight over it all the time, and Rhianna is especially nasty.  I’m not sure if you would have liked the kitty condo as much as Rhianna, even with the catnip.  I think she misses you the most.  She doesn’t have anyone to run around the house with at four in the morning besides Pandora.  They never get along, especially not now. 

Dad started taking Pandora outside to let her explore, and I can tell the Rhianna is jealous.  But you know she would run away the second he put her down on the ground.  The other day when Pandora was out, Rhianna was watching at the door and yowling.  Pandora walked up to the door, flicked her tail a couple of times in that “Look at me, I’m doing what I want” kind of way that she does, and walked away.

I know if you were still here, you and Rhianna would keep her in her place.

I changed my room around, brought my bed and dresser from Mom’s and moved the desk you liked to hide under.  I remember when you were a kitten at Mom’s, and I had to keep you in my room because of the dog.  How you were so tiny that you couldn’t get onto my tall bed so I had to pick you up every time you wanted to sleep with me.  You were so tiny, you used to fit in my shoe.  

Remember that time I gave you a bath and took a picture of you? I made that picture really big and it’s hanging above my wall.  I see you every morning when I wake up. 

We bought watermelon the other day to take to your grave.  Remember the first time I offered you some when you were sniffing around my hands?  I thought you looked like a little vampire, suckling at the watermelon with such a content expression.  I miss that face.  I miss you so much.  We all do. 

Dad won’t let me get another kitten.  It’s not that I want to replace you, I’ve just been sad lately.  Pandora and Rhianna won’t cuddle with me like you did.  It hurts, especially when I am thinking about you.  You were always there for me, the only one who was content to sit in my lap even though I fidgeted.  Especially now, with everything that is going on in my life, I need you.

I wish I knew exactly what happened to you.  I wish I knew why you left me so suddenly.  I feel like I could have stopped it some how, like if I was there when it happened I could have done something.

I don’t know.  Things are hard right now, baby.  I miss you.

Love,

Crystal, age 17

Grandma and Grandpa,

I am sorry I never got to say goodbye.  I was selfish.  You moved me to school, were there for me when no one else was as I struggled being the odd duckling at school.  I moved home and you were still supportive.  I was trying to make it on my own and be independent.  Instead, I was selfish.

You left for Oklahoma, just on vacation and I promised that I’d stop by before to see you guys.  It had been a few weeks since I had seen you.  That was the longest we’d ever gone without seeing each other.  I didn’t stop by.  I didn’t make time to see you before you left, I was too wrapped up in my own world.  I never got to see you again.  The day Mark, Gene & Vivian came to our door to give us the news, my world shattered.  It’s been 11 years, 1 month, 13 days and 8 hours since you went the wrong way down the interstate and were taken away.  Until that point, I never knew what grief or loss felt like.  You had always been there, protected me, raised me.  Things changed in my life from that day forward.  I grew up that day.  Heck, I even married the last guy you met in my life just because I couldn’t afford to have that change, too. 

I did finish college–I know you were worried I might not.  I’ve been moving all over the country for work ever since.  I’m planning to go to Greece for my 30th birthday. Grandpa, I know that should make you happy.  I watch QVC at night, still struggle to watch The Golden Girls, and it’s Oprah’s last season which, because you loved her so much, makes watching each episode even tougher.  Chad will graduate college this year. He’s a good boy and still remembers you both very much.  If I do nothing else, I will ensure he never forgets. 

I think of you both always.  I think of the decisions I make and the things that I do, in terms of what you two would say and hope that I am always making you proud.  The happiest childhood memories I have are from my times with you.  I never said that to you, and I should have time and time again.  Over the past few years, there have been rough patches. Life is different today than it would have been if you were here.  I hope that the decisions I have made are ones you would support and understand.

More than anything-I am sorry.  I’m sorry I didn’t come to visit.  You were the one constant in my life and I didn’t come to see you before you left.  I got your postcard the week after you died.  It was postmarked the day of the crash.  You were thinking of me, but I couldn’t spend twenty minutes to come visit you before you left.

I’m sorry, and I love you and will see you one day.  Until then, please keep arguing :)

Kelsey, age 29

Dear Bailey, 

You told me I was your oxygen, but I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. In the last thirty seconds before God took you, I was oblivious and just as happy as the minute before. You were by yourself, all alone, dying, knowing you would never see anyone of your friends or family again. 

I just want to say that I love you, and I would do anything within my power to go back to that day, and be your oxygen when you couldn’t breath. I love you more every day, still after all these years. Three years, and no one else has made me feel like you did. 

I hope you’re happy, and I hope you’re safe. I’d love to think you’re proud of me but that doesn’t really seem possible. 

You’re still the reason my heart beats.

Sincerely,

Rose, age 27

Dear Austin,

Not too long ago, you told me you were going to graduate early. I was surprised because I hadn’t even thought about saying goodbye to you after high school, and all of a sudden the idea was there. I started thinking about all the things I wanted to tell you but I knew you probably wouldn’t take seriously. I figured I’d write you a letter and give it to you at the end of the year, but part of me knew I wouldn’t ever give it to you.

Thank you for all of the help with schoolwork. Thanks for all the laughs. Thanks for helping me through my move here. Thanks for every thing else you’ve done for me.

I know we were really close at one point, before stuff happened.  I loved the way we were able to tell each other things and help each other through stuff that got really tough.  You were so accepting of me and I hope I was just as accepting of you. You really became one of my best friends. Things changed between us, but I hope you still remember all of that. I hope this year, before you leave, we can rebuild that friendship.

And finally, there’s some things I’ve always wanted you to know and I hope you realize. You are an amazing person. You are smart. You are funny. You are a wonderful person to be around. You are loved. I hope you know that. Life can be rough and I hope something comes along to help you see that it’s also incredible and worth it. It may be selfish of me, but I’d like to hope that the friendship we had won’t just disappear from your memory. I’d like to hope you’ll look back occasionally and smile. I know I will. 

I’m going to miss you. As much as I may not show it, I will. You impacted me and my life so much. You gave me someone to talk to. I can’t tell you how thankful I am that I met you. I won’t ever forget you.

Love,

Jessica, age 17

P.S.  "Life ain’t always beautiful, sometimes it’s just plain hard. Life can knock you down it can break your heart. Life ain’t always beautiful. You think you’re on your way but it’s just a dead end road at the end of the day. But the struggles make you stronger and the changes make you wise and happiness has it’s own way of taking it’s sweet time. No life ain’t always beautiful, tears will fall sometimes. Life ain’t always beautiful but it’s a beautiful ride" - Gary Allen

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into enough, and more. 
It turns denial into acceptance,
chaos to order, confusion to clarity. 
It can turn a meal into a feast,
a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. 
Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today,
and creates a vision for tomorrow.

-Melody Beattie

Dear Mrs. Lailah, 

Picture me as a fifth grade girl: intelligent, funny, but regretful. I’m regretful of the fact I haven’t thanked you yet. 

You do not know how much I appreciate the knowledge you gave me. I am so thankful for everything you taught me. You strengthened my multiplication, spelling, and reading abilities. 

Before you helped me memorize my multiplication facts. I struggled with them. I couldn’t answer multiplication problems as fast as I can now. If you asked me what 7x8 was, I would pause for a moment and think about the problem. But now, I will just blurt out the right answer. I remember those colorful beads you used to teach me multiplication with. Thanks to you, I whiz by the times table tests we have in class. 

Some people wonder how I can spell long words so well. Part of the reason is you. I remember how sometimes I would walk into the classroom and you would instantly ask me how to spell random words such as “encyclopedia”. Because you taught me difficult words first, the smaller words are easy for me. 

As you can see, you were very helpful in my academics. You were also a very nice teacher. I smile and lick my lips every time I remember the day you went to Chen’s Dynasty and got us takeout. It was one of the best days I spent and one of the best memories I made in Kindergarten.

You also took great care of me. I remember the panic inside of me and how the calmness in your voice comforted me. I also remember how you calmed the bleeding by holding a tissue against my tooth. Thank you for helping me feel better. 

I want you to know how grateful I am to you for teaching me so much. You were the best teacher ever. If I get to be a teacher when I grow up, I would want to be just like you: kind, helpful, patient, perfect. 

I have collected a lot of memories with you and I hope I will be able to see you once more. You have and will always have a special place in my heart. 

Sincerely, 
Anisha, age 10 

Dear Henry Ford, 

When I was ten years old, I went on a trip with my family from our home in New Castle to my father’s cousin’s house.  On the way, we stopped at a little town and se saw a group of people shaking hands with three men. The men were apparently waiting for the train to come with President Harvey. My Aunt told us kids to get in line because the three men where Mr. Firestone, Mr. Edison, and you, Mr. Ford. We knew of Mr. Edison because he had just created electricity.  In fact, it was not long before our trip that my dad traded out the five gas lights that lit the long hallway in our house with Edison’s electricity.  Everyone loved it.  

Just as my aunt told us to do, we got in line and shook hands with you all. You, especially, patted me on my head and said that I had pretty curls. My aunt said we should never forget that moment because you were all famous men. Being ten years old, I have to say that I wasn’t that impressed. But looking back at it, it was quite wonderful.  Thank you for giving me that special memory. 

Love, 

Marian, age 97

Dear Heartbreaker,

I will never know what it felt like to kiss you or hold you in my arms. Your lies made me think that you were the one, but I was just one of many. I told you I loved you and I remember it so clearly, the day was so perfect, just like my feelings for you. So I mustered up the courage to finally tell you, and all you said was thank you. After all those years and all the time and all the tears and wasted days, I was so crushed.

I thought I would never recover, that I was not worth loving. Then I met the man I was to marry. I had no expectations, but he gave me love. All of his heart, full. I couldn’t help but to love him, too. And when he looked into my eyes, I said I love you. And he said it back.

Full of Love,

C, age 35

Dear Grandpa,

I love how you call me all the way from India just to tell me a joke. I cherish the way you tell me stories before bed. Sometimes I wish my birthday was in the summer, but then it wouldn’t be five days before yours. When Daddy sees a building and says, “Grandpa could have made it better,” I wonder about your life as a civil engineer.

I wish I could tell you all of these things, but I can’t because you are far away in India. Last year when you got diagnosed with diabetes, I was so frightened that you might go away. You are much better now, and I am very happy for that.

Your granddaughter,

Roshni, age 10

Dear Dad and Mom,

I look back over the years and wish I had known how hard life had been for you. The hardships, rejections and emotional pains you suffered as a child. I would have realized why life was the way it was and understood why you seemed so far away and didn’t have much to give.

Dad, sister and I shared stories last year; she told how grandpa killed himself when you were only seven. She told me as a young man you served as a Medic on the killing fields of Europe during WW2 and how you came home from war as a different, troubled man, never the same again. The horrors you’d seen and experienced were too much for you to bare. Now I know why you lived in a bottle until your dying day. I wish I had known.

Mom, since you’ve been gone, I’ve learned how sad you childhood was. Your sister was the “pet” and you were ignored or teased most of the time. As a little girl, you liked to sing aloud when you hung around the house. Until you realized your family was mocking and jeering your voice. I wish I had known.

How I cry when I think of the little boy all alone with no comfort of his own and the soldier man coming home from the war with all that darkness in his head.

How I cry when I think of the little girl who received little love, had no one to talk to and no one to watch her back.

Oh, I know it was back in early 1900’s, kids were considered adult and expected to contribute while barely grown. No child counseling or (Post Traumatic Syndrome existed. If there wasn’t help at home, you had to go it alone. 

My heart cries and morns, for I wish I had known. I wish I had given you more time, gave more hugs and and kisses, and I wish I had said I loved you more.

You are gone and it’s too late to say all that’s in my heart. Some how I pray you both realize how much you mean to me.

Love your daughter,
K, age 60

Grandma,  

I don’t think I would have said anything. I would have listened. 

Maybe I would have said something later, but first I would get to know you. Growing up with you was like growing up with a ghost. I knew there was something more in there, but you’re mind just wasn’t right. It’s not your fault. I know that you wanted to know me. I know that you didn’t want to treat me the way you treated me; you thought I was someone else, and I’m not mad. I wish that I could remember you before the Alzheimers. I wish I could remember the trips to New Mexico and taking walks during thunderstorms and catching lizards and your homemade soups. If I would’ve known then what I know now, I would have clung on to those memories as long as a three-year old possibly could. 

It’s hard to hear about how awesome you were, how much my dad loves you and how you sound like such a cool lady. I started playing drums several years ago, and the first time I started playing, my dad started crying. I didn’t know why until a couple of years later, he told me you played drums. And you don’t hear about Grandmas playing drums very often. He also told me you knitted when you were nervous, so thanks for the tip because it works really well. 

I know that if I could talk to you now, you would say you were sorry. For screaming at me and calling me names and pinching me. All those times my family went into the nursing home, I was sitting in the car because it was too much of a hassle for me to come in; you would get really angry and I would just end up leaving.  But I hope you know that that disco light that you loved and stared at for hours was from me, I just couldn’t give it to you. I know you would tell me you were sorry, I know you wouldn’t say those things and act that way. I never held it against you. 

I would have asked you so many questions. About you and Grandpa, about my dad, about where you grew up, the jobs you worked. I would give anything just to know how your voice sounded before you were a different person. To see you in your element, see what it looks like when you love someone, when you recognize your grandchildren and smile and open your arms to hold us. I would look at your face and search for how you felt, try and understand the things you said and learn about how you became so wise and genuine with everyone. I would ask you to tell stories about my dad; to see how your face would light up at your favorite part, and about how annoying he was and such a hassle. I would ask you to come to my concerts, to sit and make cocoa and watch a movie on Christmas Eve, to have barbeques and drink sweet tea at your house in the summer. I would study your face, every nook and cranny and the color of your eyes and how you smiled. 

It was hard growing up with someone that I should have been close to. Someone that I know would have wanted to be close to me. I used to watch you sit in your bedroom and write your name in that notebook, for hours, just so you wouldn’t forget. And I would cry until you heard me, called me “Marsha” and chased me back down the hallway. The closest I ever got to knowing you was knowing that you didn’t want to forget, and I cling to that. I know you didn’t want to forget me and my dad and my brothers. We changed and it was hard to recognize us. It’s not your fault. 

I love you so much and you should know that you’re my favorite. 

Love always and forever,  

Majesta, age 21

Dear James, 

I know that I have not known you long, but in four days I will meet you for the first time. I am excited and nervous. Overwhelmed with emotions that pour into my heart like an ocean over the shore. I sit here thinking about you all the time. What will it be like to finally see you? It is something I have dreamed of. Something I picture in my thoughts from day to day as I wait this wait to fly on the wings through sky. Landing upon the gate where that door will finally open.

I also want you to know that within this time of talking to you, you have helped me in more ways then you know. You have taken me for who I am and not for what I have, for I have nothing but my heart to give, my ear to listen, and my embrace when you feel alone. 

James, I am drawn to you like a magnet. I want to tell you I love you but the words just will not come out. I even think about typing it to you, but then I erase it for fear of you being scared away. I have completely fallen head over heels for you. You simply take my breath away by being just you; who you are as a person, for being honest and caring. There isn’t anything in the world I wouldn’t do for you, if it be in my power to do so. I would even rope the moon.

If only taken the chance with me, no matter the distance, I would never hurt you! I promise.

Always Here,

Just Me age 32

Dear S,

I hate being your friend. I mean really hate it. I should have kissed you that day in the car, and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Either we would be together, or things would have gotten weird and I wouldn’t have to be your friend.

I think about what might have been and it drives me crazy. I’ve listened to all of your excuses about why it would have never worked between us and I don’t believe any of them. You used the same reasons to justify your relationship with the woman you married. Now I get to listen every week about your divorce from her, how terrible she is. All I can do is roll my eyes.

You and I know more about each other than anyone else on the planet. All those deep dark secrets you don’t want anyone to know, I do. Maybe that is what scares you. Maybe you’re afraid of a relationship with someone who sees right through you. These are the maybes I have to tell myself to not feel so bad. Because the truth is, you make me feel like I was never enough for you. Never pretty, smart, or funny enough. That’s tough to deal with.

So I listen from a thousand miles away about your problems. I am your friend. Hating it the entire time and never saying a word.

See, if I had kissed you that day in the car I would have my answers. We’d be married with a mess of kids, or possibly going through the same tough divorce that you’re going through now, but I would know. No more maybes, and that would be nice.

K, age 32

Dear Zach,

I remember going to preschool with you, and that one time when we went on a field trip and held hands. I can’t for the life of me remember your last name. But I do remember your sandy blond hair and striking blue eyes. Today, I’m 19, and I wonder how you are, and if you even remember me at all. Probably not, but I thought I’d give it a shot, hoping that maybe you’d see this and remember me too. I don’t know why you’re constantly in my thoughts. Maybe it’s for a reason.  

Sunny, age 19

Dear Methum, 

I wonder how you’re doing at your new school. What’s your favorite hot lunch? Do you have a class number? How’s fifth grade so far? 

I don’t know why you had to move to a different school the first year I met you. You could have stayed for third grade. We had a lot of good times together, like when you pretended we were aliens when I went to your apartment and we played with the ball. I really liked your hilarious sense of humor–you were really funny, along with your love of aliens. 

My life hasn’t gotten any better without you. I don’t have a real best friend right now. 

I hope you’re okay at the school. Did you go to the Wayside School play at the Children’s Theater? That was really funny. Maybe sometime I can go over to your apartment or you could come over to our house–it’s pretty big compared to an apartment, except for the fact that we don’t have an attic or a basement. 

I hope I see you soon. 

Your friend, 

Eric, age 10

Dear Dad,

We didn’t have a close relationship.  You were tough on all of us. You definitely lacked compassion, affection, understanding and love for your wife and daughters.  These are the reasons why our relationship with you was so strained.  When you decided to move I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief…like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.  I know Mom, Evy and Marie felt the same. 

As the years passed, I thought of you often.  All the things that were wrong.  I thought of visiting.  I thought of writing you.  For one reason or another I just never did.  I just wanted to let you know that all was forgiven, to give us a final opportunity to just be father and daughter.  I knew you were getting older and your health was failing.  I knew your last days were right in front of you. Yet I hesitated, and that is a regret I will always have.

May you find peace. 

Your daughter,

D, age 35

Dear Michael,

I am doubtful that anyone will ever love me again, and thankful that you once loved me. I tell myself that you still care about me. I really believe that you do. 

You’re the only boy who ever wanted to kiss me, and I wish I had let you. I hope I won’t regret that forever. 

A few weeks ago you accidentally called me. I answered the phone, and I didn’t hang up for a few seconds. You hung up first.

I try not to miss you. I haven’t seen you in three years but I still think about you all the time. I think we were in love.

Love always,

Me, age 17

Dear Big Brother,

It has been a little over a month since you passed away, and you are the only person constantly on my mind. I know death happens everyday and I have been trying to accept that you are gone forever. I just wish I had more time with you. I think everyday about the big moments in my life you are going to miss and it breaks my heart even more. The night they told me that you had died, I didn’t know what to do with myself. We have been through so much in our lives, good and bad. But now you were gone. You were the good one in the family. You had the brains, and the biggest heart. I have never met a kinder person with as big of a heart as you. 

You were beating the odds in this ‘family’. You were in your third year of college and had built your own computer. You were a genius! Now, I think about all the times we have spent together and how much you meant to me. When people say 'the good ones die young’, it’s true. Twenty years young, you had a great future in front of you. I wish you could have lived to see all the places you could have gone. I know you are up there in heaven and I will see you again someday. I can’t wait for the day, but until that day I know you will be watching over me and I will try to make you proud. The last words I said to you were: I love you. I meant it, with all my heart. You were a great person and I miss and love you so much!

Love,

Your broken hearted little sister, age 18

Dear Don,

I have come across a website which encourages people to write what they would have said or should have said. With this letter I am trying to do that with you in mind.

I met you when I was 15 and you were 20 or so. When I was a teenager I knew I had sexual lust for other guys, and you were the most attractive guy in our little town.  I could never tell you that at the time, but I definitely wanted to be with you. We worked for the same place for years and became buddies. You listened to me and my troubles with my stepfather and my family situation. You were a friend to me. All those years I had a yearning for more with you in a physical sense, and maybe you picked up on that but you never expressed it. I thought I was the only person with my same sex feelings in that rural community. I felt isolated, afraid, and confused about my emotions.  When I was around you I felt secure, and was attracted to your physical strength and confidence. People whispered behind your back and questioned why I was your friend. There was a lot of what I now know as homophobia in that town.

When I was 18 you let me live with you after a big fight with my stepfather.  That was the beginning of my leaving home and growing up to be out on my own. You helped me get to college and kept me going in a good direction at that time.  Our friendship did eventually progress to a sexual one and a loving one.  I think it was a big moment for both of us, being so bold to go over a certain social boundary after years of wanting to touch you. Do you remember how we lived in such fear of anyone finding out about us? Do you remember how we both knew what we had had been so right and so joyful? We were together like that for about two years. During my years at the university I encountered the gay liberation movement in 1969. My visits home to you on school breaks were so loving and sweet and our hearts were so yearning for each other. My memories of that period are all good.

What I want to say is that I know you loved me, and that I broke your heart when I said that I wanted to see other guys while I was away at college.  I had come out there and had found other gay people, and out of selfishness I wanted to be sexual with other people. I remember the last time we saw each other, after my telling you about my desire to explore. There were tears shed and lots of questioning about why this was happening. And then you drove off in your GTO. I was 22 and you were 27 by then. In the years since, I kept track of you from a distance through family and was told the people in our town gave you a hard time as “the town queer”  and you moved away to Florida and then developed MS. I have often thought I should contact you but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I am going to be 60 this year so I guess that would make you 65 if you are alive, which I doubt. I still search for your name in the internet white pages and get addresses of people with your name in the area of Florida that I heard you moved to in the 1970’s. But I just can’t go to the next step to find out if it is you or not.

As I reflect on my life I realize how self-centered and selfish I became and I was always looking for love in all the wrong places in all the wrong ways.  I became a raging addict running on self-will, although I have been clean and sober 23 years now.  I never found love again. What I want to say is I didn’t know that what I had with you was what I was always looking for in life. The memories of my first love, you, warm my heart today as an old man. I have come to view being homosexual as being cursed.  My life would have been so different if being gay weren’t a factor in my existence on this planet. But when I think of you and the love we felt, which I disrespected, I feel the heartache I caused you. So, Peanut, I want you to know that I truly appreciate the respect, love and care you gave to me as a young man, and how our sexual relationship gave me such satisfaction and led to my eventual growth as a gay man.  You were loved then and all my thoughts of you today are loving thoughts. I am sorry for breaking your heart.  I didn’t know until these later years of my life that I had what I wanted in you and didn’t know it at the time.  I never found anyone better than you.

Love,

Tom, age 60

Dear Layla, or what would have been,

My dear baby, I never meant to do what I did. Words cannot explain how much my heart breaks everyday thinking of you. I almost ended my life because of what happened this summer and because I can’t keep thinking about you. I never wanted to let you go, but I let everyone else decide for me what I was going to do. My dear baby, I know how wrong I was to get the abortion, but I hope you understand why I did what I did. I wanted you but your dad just wasn’t ready to have a kid, yet alone ready to be with me. How could I put you through all the things he was putting me through? You’re in a better place than I am and to justify things for myself, I am happy that you won’t have to feel the pain that I’ve been feeling.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could go back to March 29th and run away and leave the hospital. I know regrets don’t do anything but hold onto the pain; I need to let go and this is my way of helping me do it. But I could drown myself in the tears I’ve cried just thinking about that day and what I gave up. I was selfish. I know adoption is available but how could I carry my baby for nine months and give you away? I’ve never felt so protective over a human being. I know these words contradict what I did.

Do you remember the morning it happened? I sat in the bathtub crying, wishing I could somehow leave the house before someone noticed just so I didn’t have to go through with it. The three months that you were in me, I had my days of happiness knowing my baby was okay and was with me and that I could protect you. That morning I told you I was going to protect you, but I really didn’t do a good job of it, did I?

Your dad and I never really have spoken about it, although he’ll still justify why I did what I did because of our age and the lack of money to provide you with what you deserve. I know it still hurts him, and he probably finds himself regretting it at times, but I just don’t want you to hate him. Maybe he talks to you like I still do. The thing you need to understand is your dad is just a boy. He isn’t a man yet, and you deserve to have a man as a father. And a real woman. I’m still a girl that has selfish and destructive ways. Baby, you would have loved your dad though, really would have, just like I do. Although he hurts me time and time again, he’s got a good heart. I look at him the way I look at you, a blessing from God. That’s the way you need to think of him, a misguided soul who’s life will get on track one day. Help him find his way, baby, the way you’ve been helping me.

I just want you to know that I never thought of you as a “consequence”. I still look at you as a blessing from God that I just returned back to him. You were wanted. You were so loved. You are so loved. You still have my entire heart. I will always love you. I know you’re looking down on me.
My own personal angel. I will never forget you.

Your mom,

Faven, age 17

Dear Dad,

It’s been a few weeks now, I think, since you died.

I wish I knew what happened. So far, I don’t even know if you died quickly or bled out slowly. Were you drunk? Were you tired? I’ll never know, I guess. 

I wish I had called you on your birthday. I’m sorry I was so distracted by my own mental recuperation that I didn’t give myself a chance to call you. You never got to hear my voice one last time and I never got to hear yours. I’ve wanted to tell you that I love you. I miss your arms and your great big hugs. I miss you calling me “cutie pie”.

If we could have talked one last time, I would have told you that even though our relationship was strained, I wanted you in my life more than anything else. I wish I could let you know that I forgive you for everything- the drinking, the replacement family- all of it.

I wish you could be at my wedding, approve of my mate, and wish us the best. I wish you could watch me start a family and tell my kids stories about your childhood.

I would tell you how you’re smell made me feel safe. It was some kind of aftershave. Your beard always prickled when you kissed my cheek.

Dad, you had the best smile.

The best heart.

The best sense of humor.

The biggest, strongest hands.

I will always be your baby. Even though I feel empty and my heart is broken, know that you will always fill it.

I am strong because I am your blood. I wish you could see the strong woman I am becoming. I’ve become truthful with myself and the world around me. I wish you could know how much happier I’ve been- more happy than I ever was.

I love you, Daddy. I hope to see you again soon.

-AS, age 18