The Things You Would Have Said

Dear Parker, 

I’m sorry I don’t spend much time with you anymore. The reason why is because I have lots of different stuff to play with, like Legos and 3Ds. 

Sincerely, 

Your friend, age 8

Dear Dad,

I am sorry for all the confusion I have put you through. It has been so hard that you left mom and now live with your girlfriend. It felt like you abandoned me and didn’t even try. I felt like I failed you and did not do good enough as a daughter. Like half my life is a lie and there’s nothing I can do. I miss you, I miss how you used to be. The father-daughter relationship we had. That can’t change now and I’m angry because I wish everything was the same. I still love you and always will. You’re my dad, and even if you’re not sorry and will never change, I will always be here for you. You are one of the most caring people in my life and I will always be thankful for that.

Love,

Your daughter, age 18

Dear husband,

I love you, I hate you. I love you for all the sweet, thoughtful things you do for me; coffee in the morning, going to work everyday to support us while I try to find full time work. But I hate you for your nightly drunkenness and blindness towards all I do for you. I hate that you don’t hold me in the same regard as everyone else, which makes me feel less a person. I hate the fact that I have given you 29 years of my life, and now as my life starts a rapid descent into old age, you have robbed me of my spirit and brought me to a place of fear.

Not a fear of you, but fear of being homeless, because without you I am nothing since I don’t make as much money as you do. Friendless, because I gave up my friends so I would have time to spend with you and to do the many things I do for you and for us. However, you would rather do anything than spend time with me. Going anywhere in a car with you is difficult at best. You don’t talk to me. You don’t want to be with me, but you won’t let go. You say you love me yet can’t stay sober even one night, for me.

The holidays are here, and we will put on the sham of being happy. I haven’t felt anything in the last ten years. I’m not happy or sad, just numb, waiting for my time to go by and my life to be over. Old age sucks, I’m tired, worn out and I just don’t care anymore, but tomorrow I will get up and do the hundreds of things I need to do to make the world think we are a happy and successful family. I hope I make you feel good; I just feel hopeless and thought you might be interested. As usual, I’m probably wrong.

Sincerely,

Your loving wife, age 49

Daddy,

Hi. I need you so much right now, but when you were here I never realized all that. I’m sorry for all the birthdays/Christmases/Thanksgivings I missed. I didn’t think you would ever really be gone. It’s crazy because I knew one day it would all be over, but I didn’t believe it. I love you so much. 

I saw Granny on Mother’s day. She’s doing good. She misses you so much. She hasn’t touched any of your clothes yet. She cries all the time. I don’t cry that much, but you are my first thought every morning. And I know Aunt Cathy misses you like crazy. I don’t feel remorse for your passing. I miss and love you very much but you were so sick, and I know you were tired of fighting.

But right now I just need to talk to you so much. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I went to the doctor today. They’re sending my blood work off. I may have Hepatitis C, so were keeping our fingers crossed for a negative on that. 

If God will allow it, please call me. And give Grandpa a hug for me please.

I love you so much,

Your little girl, age 32

Dear Popsi,

I feel like you’re everywhere. Everywhere I look there’s something that reminds me of you, and the things you taught me. Thank you for always being there to make me laugh and smile, no matter else what was going on in my life.

I hope you know how much I love you, and how much every little thing you’ve done for our whole family really means to me. You really are, and always will be, the most important and influential person in my life.  I guess it took something as tragic as your accident to realize fully how much I idolize you and everything you did in your long, beautiful life. All of those times you went to the hospital this summer, there was always a huge knot in my stomach on the way there. But when I got there and saw you joking around with the nurses, I knew that you were still yourself despite some medical fallbacks. This time, however, it was so different. You had no idea what was going on, and when hope was lost, I’ve never felt so helpless in my entire life. I wanted so badly to make things better, to lay in bed with you and Mulligan watching T.V. and hearing your stories that you already told me a thousand times. I would hear them for the 1,001th time if I could.

I am trying my hardest to remember you as you really were, and not as that old man in the hospital bed hooked up to all of those machines. Your funeral really proved to me how much you impacted everyone that you’ve ever met, and I hope that I can impact even a quarter of as many people as you did. Even though I’m not as friendly and outgoing as you were, I will try to use humor as much as you did to bring people together. Laughter truly is the best medicine, and you proved to me again and again how much that rings true.

My whole life, you and Bammi were the most stable thing there was. I knew if I was going to Bammi and Popsi’s that everything was going to be okay, and fun, and hilarious. I really don’t know how or where you found all of the farting toys that you did, but just know that every card, toy, or joke I see about farting will automatically make me think of you. I got you a really good card for your birthday that you never got to see, and I wish you had.

I hope wherever you are now, you’re still making people laugh and making sure we’re all okay. I’ll try and take care of Bam and your two wonderful daughters as much as I can, but this has been really hard for me. I can’t imagine what life is going to be like without you, especially when we get together for the holidays and there’s that one empty chair.

Stories about you and your ridiculous antics, will go on forever, even as you are no longer here. I know that nobody will ever replace you, which scares the shit out of me. I tried some scotch for you on your birthday, and I have no idea how you would drink that crap every time we went out to dinner. Just know that I will carry you with me everywhere I go for the rest of my life, and I will always love you just as much as you loved me. The love you gave me from the time I was born really was the most important thing in my life, and I’m so lucky to have had you all of these years.  Keep having fun and being yourself up there, and I’ll see you again when I’ve made my mark here.

Love,

Your Little Truck Driver, age 19

Dear Grandma Anita, 

I didn’t get to thank you for all the things you’ve done for me before you passed away. I loved how you never forgot my birthday. Every single year, you would get me a card saying how much you loved me and how you can’t believe how much I’ve grown. But now that you’re gone, Grandpa’s sad, my mom and dad are sad, my sisters are sad, and I’m sad. You left a hole in my heart that can never be filled. I miss you, Grandma. I hope I can see you again someday. 

Love, 

Garret, age 11

Dear Joseph,

Words cannot begin to describe how much I miss you. A lot of people might say the love I felt for you was wrong, since you were my teacher and my senior of almost 20 years, but I truly had an absolutely undying and irrational love for you. I know it’s odd for me to feel the way I did (and still do) and I figured no one would understand but I loved you for almost two years. Ever since the first time I walked in that class, I couldn’t tell you one specific thing that drew me to you, it was just an immediate thing. 

You were always really nice to me as well. I mean you gave me an A+ and I barely did anything to deserve that. You’d help me out on tests more than other people and when we spoke, you always had a smile on your face. You encouraged me, taught me and helped me more than anyone else ever had. I know you had a soft spot for me, too, but you were a professional and kept it at that. The only thing that hurt more than knowing I couldn’t be with you, was when you started to avoid me. I know why you did it but it hurt because even though I knew nothing could ever be between us, I still wanted to have you as a friend because you’re an amazing person.

I wish I had cherished the times when you were my teacher more, when I saw you everyday, and I should have talked to you as much as I could have. But it’s like they say, you never know what you have until it’s gone. Although I never “had” you, you were in my life and now I can only wish for that to happen again. But life goes on and when I do meet someone who I’m going to spend my life with, I would be content if he’s only half the man you are. I love you and I have a deep feeling in my gut that I always will. I guess we just weren’t meant to be in this lifetime. I miss you very much, I pray that you are well and that God watches over you always. 

Love,

K, age 21

Dear Dad,  

It has been many years since you stopped being a father to me. I am now turning 19 next month and you stopped being a father when I was 7 years old. Though I still talked to you and visited you until I was in grade 8, it was never the same. 

I understand that the death of your mother was the event that happened to trigger your downward spiral. I know if my mother passed away, I would be a wreck, so I am not blaming you for being in grief. However, I do wish that you realized that me and my sister lost our grandmother and our father that year.  

When we were younger, you would build forts of snow with us and would play games with us. As we grew older, we learned to do our own things while you watched tv and drank/smoked away your life.  

Now, since I have only seen you probably a total of four times while I was in highschool, I am starting to notice your deteriorating conditions. You missed out on so many great things during my life. My band concerts, my report cards coming home, my acceptance into university, my graduation, my first love, my first heartbreak, and many other things. 

I am not sad because you did this to me, though. I am upset that you are doing this to my sister. She still has one more year of high school to go and she misses you. 

We are both worried about you and your addictions. It makes me wonder everyday if you are still alive and even what I would do if I found out that you had died. Would I even find out right away? Who would tell me?  

I want you to know I am about to go into my second year of nursing. I love it and cannot wait to get working as a nurse and then go back to school as a Med student. I hope you are proud of me. Also, be proud of my sister as she is so strong. I can tell it hurts her more than me because I tend to push away my feelings.  

Dad, it is never too late to start trying to be our father again and even if you can’t do that, it is not too late for you to come be a friend and a part of our lives.  

As much as I hate the things you put me through, I love you. Please show us you love us and come back into our lives and actually try to extend out to us. 

Love always,  

Your Daughter A, age 18 

Cole, 

I hate you. I hate you for telling me that you’d be here, for making me think that you’d stand by my side through it all. I hate you for lying to me about so much. I hate you for abandoning your child just because it’s too much for you and you’re “scared”.  I hate you because one day my baby is going to ask me about you, and that is a conversation I feel a mother and child should never have to have. I hate you for so much more and this list could go on forever. Most of all though, I hate you because of the pain my baby will have to feel just because you chose the cowards way out and walked away from her.

I don’t even think you even realize what you’re walking away from. You’re going to miss the most beautiful moments of this little girl’s life. You’re going to miss the pride and joy that a child brings simply because you’re “scared”. You won’t see her take her first steps, watch her get her first haircut, send her off to her first day of kindergarten. You won’t get to see her graduate high school, go off to college, or be able to walk her down the aisle when she finally finds the right man. And you certainly won’t ever get to hear her say the word daddy for the first time, because that’s a word she’ll never know. 

I hope one day you realize all that stuff are missing out on and the guilt and sadness you feel is overwhelming. I hope it eats at you day in and day out, but no matter the amount of pain you feel, it will never be enough to compensate for the pain my daughter is going to feel. I can see her now coming home one day and asking me, “Where’s my dad?” Or “Why isn’t my dad around?” And what I am supposed to tell her, Cole? I can’t lie to her. I’m going to have to look at my baby girl and tell her you’re not here simply because you were too “scared”. That’s not something she’s going to understand. It’s not even something that I’m ever going to understand because you don’t know what being scared is.

Being scared is realizing for the first time that you are the only person that this baby has to count on. Being scared is wondering how you are ever going to be strong enough to do this on your own. Being scared is the moment you realize you are a single mom. And what are you scared of? 

You are scared of how you’re life is going to change or be “ruined”, as you like to put it. You’ re scared that you won’t be able to have fun. You’re scared that it’s going to be too much responsibility.  None of that is being scared, Cole, that is being selfish. Which is exactly what you are.

I hope you grow up quickly. I hope you outgrow that selfishness and learn to be a real man. I’m not sure if you will, but for my little girl’s sake I hope you do. 

CB, age 30

Valerie,

Even though things didn’t work out, I just want you to know that I still think about you every day. I don’t know why I fell so hard for you if you are the complete opposite of the girl that I want. I just want to tell you that this is you’re fault, and even though you tried to play me, I’d give anything to go back and have things as they were before.

Mando, age 20

Dear Eric,

I miss you! I wish we could have had more years together. Twenty was not enough!

I’m so sorry that I didn’t want to go to dinner the weekend before your accident. Sometimes when I am tired I can be really hard to get along with and I wanted so much to go see a movie. When you didn’t want to see the movie with me, that hurt my feelings, so I acted mean about about going out to dinner. I am so sorry we didn’t go to dinner.

I’m also mad at you. You could have come home that night. I know you didn’t come home because you went out drinking with G and that was more important to you that night. If you hadn’t been drunk you would have woke up before the fire broke out or maybe you would have been home. Now we are left behind without you.

The kids are growing up so fast. Caleb looks more like you everyday and he is adjusting to college. Destiney is in her last year of high school and she is still as good a girl as ever. We sure made great kids. Thank you for giving them to me. I wish you were here to help me finish raising them. I wish you were here to grow old with me.

I am envious when I see other couples our age. I’m too young to be a widow; that happens to old people. I don’t know what I’m going to do for the rest of my life after the kids move out. I love you and I need you. Life wasn’t always easy living with you and your drinking, but no one made me stay. I stayed because I loved you, and then you left me. I try to tell myself that all of the pain in your life that made you drink so much is over and you are at peace. That may be so, but now what about me? What am I supposed to do?

It’s been two years and I’ve tried dating, but you get in the way. I want you, and until I get over you, how can I be fair to anyone that I might be thinking about getting involved with? I wake up sometimes and I think you are still here then I realize you are not. I pray that you are at peace and I pray that someday I will be. I’m so sad and lonely without you. I love and miss you so much.

With all my love forever,

Your wife,

Marlene, age 56

Dear Uncle Alfred, 

I really miss you. Everybody else in the family does, too, like your wife, Aunt Rosemary. I think going to your funeral was worth it. Not just to miss a day of school, but to go to church and care for you and appreciate what everybody was saying about you. We could have played the drums with each other and talk about what we both like, and more. I’ll miss you forever and I hope that you have a great time with the Lord. 

Your nephew, 
Dominic, age 10 

Dear Cousin-

I just found out that you died. Via Facebook, no less. I am so sorry that I stopped speaking to you. It just never occurred to me that you might not be around anymore. In hindsight, it seems petty and small to cut you out of my life over $300. And now you’re gone forever, and that money seems so meaningless.

They said you were found in your bed. It looks like you just laid down to go to sleep and never got up again. I hope it was peaceful, and that you were content. I hope there was no pain or suffering, just quiet.

I know that diabetes is a bitch, but I never expected to not have you on this earth anymore. Especially not when you were only 40. It seems so young. Your parents outlived you. There’s something just so inherently wrong about that. 

I wish you were still here. I will miss you most of all, Scarecrow. I’m glad that you’re with our grandma. Take care of her, and I will see you when I get there. 

Love always,

Heather, age 36

Dear Father,

I am sorry that I have never been the son that you wanted. We never got along and I refused to open up to you. I built up a wall blocking you from ever reaching me. I always saw you in the wrong light. I didn’t understand who you actually were and what you have done for me. You sacrificed your life for me, knowing I had nothing in return. Now I see that you are one of the most honorable, kindest, loving men I have ever known. What a fool I have been. I have said many things I have regretted and worst of all I never said I was sorry.

What I most regretted was that I never mustered up to courage to tell you that I’m a homosexual. I was too afraid that you would be disappointed, that you won’t understand me like I have misunderstood you. I never gave you the chance. I never gave us a chance.

One day, I will summon the courage to tell you the truth. To deconstruct the wall I have built between us. One day, I will have the strength to tell you that I love you and finally be the son you should of had. Thank you for everything and I am sorry for all those years I have treated you horribly.

Love, 

Your Son, age 26

Hello Best Friend, 

I miss you more than words could ever describe. Life without you is beyond hard. There is so much I wish I could share with you and yet I still find myself getting mad that you’re no longer here. Losing your best friend at 19 years old was never what I expected to deal with. I would never wish this upon anyone. I find myself now not ever asking details when something tragic happens because I know what its like to be the one to have to explain it.

Chels, my life is so different without you here. I don’t have that one person that knows every detail about me to talk to. You’re not here to give me the “Don’t give a shit” attitude advice when it comes to boys. You are supposed to be standing next to me at our college graduation in June, and instead you’re hanging in a necklace around my neck.

Everyday feels like a lifetime. I try not to play the should have, would have, could have game because it only makes it worse. But if I had a time machine, you best believe I would have already used it. I am a better person for even knowing you, and I want to thank you for that from the bottom of my heart! I love you, Chelsea Marie, and I think about you each and everyday. Come visit me in my dreams. 

Love you forever, best friend,

Amanda, age 21

Dear Dad,

I love you so much. I can’t put into words how proud I am of you for all the things you have accomplished. I know right now you are going through a difficult time losing your job and having to support our family. I know it was hard for you to see me leave for college after 18 years of being so close. You were always the one I could talk to and argue about things with. Everyone says you and I are exactly alike and I always disagreed but really they were right. You and I are as close as they come with a father and daughter. 

I love when I come home from school and I see you sitting there and I can hug you and we can share stories about both of our college experiences. All those years when you would teach me tricks around the house or just hug me for no reason at all has made me realize how special you are to me. I know that it was hard to lose your parents when you were a young adult but I know that you are always going to be there for me and know I will always be there for you.

Whatever you wish to do I know that you will succeed and I will always be behind you cheering you on even if you doubt yourself. When people ask me who inspires me, I never falter when I say your name. I hope that you achieve whatever form of happiness you are seeking and know that I will always love you even when times are tough. 

Continue to follow your dreams.

All my love,

Your Daughter Jenna, age 18

Poonam, 

I’m truly very sorry about the past couple of months. You are such a great person. You fill me up with passion, will and energy to achieve. You came into my life when I needed you so much. All this while you took all the pain to try and make it work with an aggressive jerk like me. I am so thankful for all of that.

I wanted to hold on to you so badly, but what I didn’t realize was I could lose my entire being, all of who I was and all of what I’d placed in you. I wanted to be the one for you, to help you when you were down, to be your strength when you were weak, to show you the right way when you were wrong. I wanted to love you in a way that you deserved to be loved, not realizing that I was destroying myself and us. I needed you in my life and I was ready to jeopardize anything to get that done.

Honestly, nothing else matters to me than hearing your giggles and laughter. I’m asking for forgiveness from the bottom of my heart, cause I am not done doing things for you. There are a lot more things I wanna pamper you with and spread that beautiful smile across your cute cheeks. I come for forgiveness, hoping that you don’t let go and that you love me like you did before. If in your heart you think you can’t, then I’d understand and learn from it.

Abishnek, age 24

Gil,

I QUIT!!

Chandlee, age 17

Dear Pop, 

Losing you was harder on me than I ever imagined. You were the first family member who passed away where I could really understand what I had lost, and it made me mature on the spot. I could never really remember crying at the loss of someone the way I did for you. To this day, you mean an incredible amount to me. I loved when you would tell me stories and jokes, and when you’d draw. You truly were an incredible artist and I wish to this day I could have just one napkin with Batman on it or the speeding trains.

I wish I could have just one more day with you, to get to know you the way I should have. I was still too young to fully appreciate you when you passed away, and I wish things had been different. I can’t find the words to express my feelings about your wake and the Super Bowl, because everything seems to come out wrong. But I know you’d understand what I mean. I never got to thank you for raising your children to be such good people, or for having such an amazing woman for a wife. My family means so much to me, just like you do, and I’m glad you shaped them the way you did, because they’re all good people. And they’ve made me a better person.

When I have children, they’re gonna know how much I miss you and wish you could have the chance to meet them. You were truly special, and I miss you every day. Thank you. 

Love,

Your grandson,

Daniel, age 21