The Things You Would Have Said
Month
Dad,
I don’t know if you knew it, but you were my best friend.
I said things I regret saying, but I know you forgive me. No matter how many fights we got into, nothing can outweigh the great times we shared together. You were the strongest, most inspiring man I have ever known, and will continue to be for the rest of my life. The knowledge you passed onto me may have never been scholarly, but it was information about the real world. You were the hardest working man I have ever seen, and you didn’t waste time teaching me about useless facts. You taught me lessons I will never forget, and always provided me with comfort and security.
Although I wish I could physically hug you and speak to you right now, or at any given time, I understand that you are in a better place. You’re out of pain, and will be forever. That assurance alone is enough to numb any pain I have. I miss you greatly, and I am saddened the most when I remember how great of a person you were. The ball games we went to, the times we spent on the beach - all will never be forgotten, but forever cherished.
I could only wish to be half as great of a man you were.
I love you,
Buddy
Dear Joe,
You’re always the one to make everything better. You’re there for me when I need it, and you hold me tight when I wrestle you to the ground because I found your ticklish spot.
You put your head on my lap, and let me run my fingers through your hair because you know I love the texture and feel of your thick hair.
You play your music for me, hours of your music. You learned how to play my favorite song on the guitar, and sang it, just for me. You even wrote me a song.
I’vecried on your shoulder, you told me your life story, and I told you my biggest secret.
I want your singing lips to kiss mine like never before. You’re thick hair for me to run my fingers through as we maybe make love after prom night. To wake up to your lopsided smile the morning after, and for you to tell me that you love me. You’re all I want Joe, Since the day I met you.
I’ve been in love with you.
You’re very best friend for many months on end,
Kayla, age 17
Dear Uncle Mike,
In twelve days, it will be a year since I have seen you, and I’m so scared for that day to come. So much has happened and I think about you everyday. I wish I could tell you that you are my hero, my second father, and that I love you so much. I miss calling you Dad and talking to you about tattoos. I still wear the necklace you gave me everyday, and I’m getting a tattoo for you next week. I know you’re watching over me, and I wish you were here to watch me graduate from school in a few years. I’ll try to make you proud.
Love,
Your Goddaughter Courtney, age 18
Dear Papa Snoopy,
I never got to meet you. You had passed before I was born. I really wish I did. You sound like an amazing person, and apparently I have quite a few of your mannerisms.
It kills me to know that there was a person on this earth who I would have loved to spend time with and never got the chance to. It also kills me knowing that mommy hides her pain of your loss. I know how much it must hurt for her; I can’t ever imagine losing my daddy.
I just want you to know that you’re amazing and had some of the best quotes in the world. “Why would you want to go to heaven? All the fun people go to hell.” Well, wherever you may be now, I hope you’re having one hell of an amazing time.
You should know that your daughter loves you so dearly, and misses you daily. The same is said about your granddaughter, despite never meeting you. I hope one day I get to see you and mommy together, because I know how much she’d love that. I love you, Papa, and I wish I got to know you.
Love,
Your Granddaughter, age 17
Hey Chels,
Christmas Day was the ten-month anniversary of your murder and I feel odd saying “anniversary”. Aren’t those supposed to be happy? I’m not happy about losing you, especially when I never got he chance to tell you how much you mean to me. You never let any funny look or cocked eye put you in the place I was for a while. You were who you were, and I always wanted to tell you that I found that moving, and to be honest I strive everyday to be more like you.
On March 2nd they found your body, and by 7:00 pm I was on my knees cursing everything I could through tears and dry heaves, wondering how in the hell one man could have taken you at 17. A week later, I wrote you a letter telling you that you got into Washington State, your top school. They would have been lucky to have you.
It took me 9 ½ months, but one day I woke in such a good mood that I wanted to cry tears of joy, and when I spent time out on the bridge, I found the reason. I forgave him for stealing the light of our little town. I forgave him for kidnapping you and robbing the world of a change-maker. It feels good. I forgave him, but I’m still angry.
You are a year younger than me, junior when I was a senior, senior when you were stolen. I was away at college, and I couldn’t help find you. I couldn’t do anything. Please come back.
I want you to know that I need you here. I’ve never had a shell to hide in, and neither did you. You know, someone told me the other day that even though I don’t think I can do enough to live out my life like you did, that I was the “Chelsea King” of our campus. I don’t believe them because no one can replace you. You found the meaning to live and love until you can no more.
I love you and I miss you so very much, Chels.
Love Always,
Me
Dear Mom and Dad,
I’ve always loved you, and I always will. Thanks to Dad being in the Air Force, us moving every 2.5 years, and dad almost always gone, it’s always been more often what you guys want. Or it’s my siblings’ choice. In other words, I’m not heard. Often I cry myself to sleep at night because I’m sick and tired of it and I want to be heard. I wish I wasn’t afraid to tell you what my real dreams are. But I know what you’ll say, because I’ve told you before: “that’s not very practical, it’ll never happen, we don’t have the money and time”–or your favorite—“grow up”.
I know our family has some big issues and that a lot of the times, the money and all of your time to goes to my little brother. And that the only time we eat were I want to eat is on my birthday. I know I give you a lot of drama, and I’m truly, very sorry for it. I hate it, really I do, but it’s the only way I seem to be heard. I’ve often been told that I’m to wise beyond my 13 years and how strong I am for only living with one parent half the time, not knowing were my dad is or if he’s safe. At the rate I’m going, I’ll have gray hair by the time I’m 20. I still won’t know how to have fun, what a life really is, and, above all else, I won’t know what true childhood and teenage years are like.
My only wish this year is to be heard, and so far, it hasn’t happened. As you know, 2011 is the year we’ll be moving and I hope by then, you know all of this. And you’ll quit treating me like I’m depressed, because I’m NOT: just stressed, and tired, and scared about dad. I know we have to deal with post stress for a while, and I’ve been through it long enough to expect that I won’t be daddy’s little girl for a while.
But today, mom, you told me what I’ve waited to here for a long time—that you love me and never want me to change. But that still doesn’t make up for those 13 years of heartache. Mom, Dad, I love you so much, but I’m tired of it. And I don’t think it’s normal for a 13 year old to be feeling all of these intense feelings.
Love,
You Middle Child, age 13
Dear Julian,
Sorry that Daddy hasn’t been around much. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. You’re probably old enough for me to tell you that it’s because of drugs. I was easily influenced a lot and that’s why I made a lot of bad choices. But I just want to let you know that I still love you. Always have, always will. Hopefully when I get out, things will change. You will see a new me and a lot of me. We’ll do the things that father and sons do, like play sports, go to parks, go to the movies, and buy the things that you deserve as a good kid. Love you and miss you, Mijo.
Love,
Daddy, age 29
Dear Janna,
I am sorry that I stole most of your sour candies. You gave me some of them, and then I couldn’t resist. They were too good. I am sorry.
Sincerely,
Scott, age 8
Dear D,
Why did I care so much what you thought? Why did I let you hurt me so much? Why did I let you hate myself? There are some things I will never understand and that is one of them. Even after how many months, I beat myself up. Cursing every pimple, every roll, every extra cookie or piece of pizza I ate (never truly enjoying it), every time I pulled on my size 12 jeans. All you did was hurt me emotionally, and every once in a while physically. We weren’t even dating, but I was so blinded by love. You knew that and you abused that. You used me as your emotional and anger release.
Tonight I walked into my bathroom at my college, hating myself on the inside for eating too many Thin Mints, hating the Freshman 15 that may or may not actually be there, and once again planning a diet/exercise plan that was doomed to fail. All my attempts to be healthy, to fit into a size 2—hell, to fit into a size 8–weren’t for me. They were for you. And I’m not okay with that anymore.
Because as I walked into that bathroom, there were signs on the mirrors, telling me, screaming at me: “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.” They were for Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I knew then that you don’t have to stop eating or stick your finger down your throat to have an eating disorder. Maybe it cannot be doctor confirmed, but you can hate yourself for every piece of chocolate you put into your mouth. And that makes you more upset and resentful and just puts more and more chocolates in your mouth. Thus, the vicious cycle continues of looking in the mirror as I’m getting ready for the day and not seeing the great haircut I did on a whim, the beautiful eyes, the fantastic curves that can flaunt the vintage clothes I love so much.
No, I see the roll of the stomach that can’t comfortably enjoy the freedom of a bikini. I see the flab of the arms that you would mock and poke. I see the pimples that would prevent me from you loving me. Or so I thought. Now, I realize that you were looking for a “model” to be happy. I realized tonight that I don’t want to be that kind of model. I want to be a role model. I don’t want to be a cookie cutter image of every other girl. I want to eat a cookie and not hate myself!
I don’t want you to love me anymore and wait for you to tell me that I’m beautiful. I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF AND KNOW THAT I AM BEAUTIFUL! So I will, because I am beautiful. I don’t need you to think that anymore.
Laura, age 18
Dear Tommy,
I’ve never really tried talking to you. You died when I was, what, two or three? But, I never tried reaching out to you otherwise. I kind of wish I did earlier. Sometimes I feel like you’re watching over me, or some heavy presence is around me, and it makes me think of you. Besides feeling your presence, I think your decisions made in your life have lead to some of mine. I know you’re probably watching me and wondering what the hell I’m thinking sometimes, but I would be way worse off if it wasn’t for what happened to you.
I wonder what kind of relationship you and I would have if you were alive. Would you live in this area of the US, and would you come to all the Christmas parties? Or would you live down south with Grandma and Grandpa and we’d only see you some summers? Would we be close? For some reason, I feel like we would. Or you and Dan would be close. I wish I knew what kind of relationship we’d have.
Speaking of Dan…I sort of see a lot of you in him. I’m not just talking about the obviously physical resemblance, but I’m also referring to the habitual lifestyles, and the fact that he and I have the same age difference as you and my mom had. It kind of freaks me out. Besides watching me, I hope you’re watching over him. He really needs guidance, and I feel like he needs it more than I do.
Anyway, that’s all I had to say. I hope things are going well up there. I love you.
Christie, age 19
Dear Aunt Sara,
You were like my mom since the time I was born. My parents were to busy working, fighting, or being drunk or high to really be there all the time. And you were the one who saved me from the life an unfortunate child would normally have. You were there to baby sit whenever I needed to be taken care of. As I grew older, my mom got her act together for the most part–I mean, she was doing the best she could for a single mom with two jobs. But you were still there for me ALL the time. Every weekend I spent with you. While most kids were going to birthday parties or play dates, I was peeling potatoes with my Aunt Sara.
You helped me through every awful week with my hateful step dad, my mom who just let it slide, and for the most part, an absent father. You were the one who told me to write to my drunkard father after two long years of not knowing if he was alive or dead. You are the reason that my father became sober and that I have a relationship with him now. You are the reason I know what my own father’s face looks like. But you saved a lot of people in our family’s lives, too.
Sara, you were our guiding light. I needed to be with you on your vacation. Your very first trip to Disney. It would have been mine too. So I begged to not to go. I needed you here with me. But you went like any adult would, because you would be back soon. You did not come back. You died in a car crash on your way home.
You sure loved food. You were a big woman and that’s why the seatbelt couldn’t hold you as the car rolled. But even as you died, you managed to save two more lives! The woman and her unborn child in the car with you. Thanks to your loving and caring personality, that child will live a full and happy life with her mother to take very good care of her. I hope one day that little child will know your story. You are something to be proud of.
But I still need you and I miss you more than words can amount to. I have made a lot of mistakes but I am going to try SO hard to fix them. I want to be like you. But I’m writing you this because I want you to know that I’m doing okay. I love my mom more than I ever have; we get along like two peas in a pod. My boyfriend, Brian, thinks it is so weird how similar we are. God, you would be so proud.
My boyfriend is nice. I can’t decide whether you would approve or not, but I think if I’m happy you would be, too. And I finally realized my dad is not the saint I made him out to be all these years. But taking a chip of your block, I still love him and try to be the best daughter I can. I know you’d be disappointed that I’m not in school but I’m not sure what I want in life yet. Life is still throwing me some major curve balls. Thanks to you, I caught some.
Love,
Your Special Charlene
Dear grandparents,
I am truly sorry for the way I acted as a kid. I just hope that you guys will accept all of my apologies for the rotten crap that I bestowed upon you all.
And to my dead dog, Smokey Bear. I wish I would have taken you for more walks when you were a pup.
Sincerely,
Shawn, age 33
Dear Mamaw,
If I would’ve know that you were going to die that night, I might have tried to talk mom into going to your house to day. We had went to church that day–why did mom have to be too tired to go to your house? It had been two weeks since I had seen you. Two weeks, and your birthday had been just a few days before. Maybe if we would have went up there, you would be alive today.
I miss you everyday. It just doesn’t seem fair in any sense. You were 57, and always late for everything, but you were early for death. I wish I wouldn’t have spent so much time on the computer while I was at your house, that I had sat around and talked and laughed with you. Those would be better memories. I’m sorry I didn’t know your favorite color. Or your favorite flower. But I do know that you liked to garden. You loved to garden. I just hope that while you’re in heaven, that they have the nicest garden an angel has ever seen. I know you would plant the nicest garden. The grandest garden.
It’s been about two and a half years, Mamaw. In June, you’ll have been gone 3 years. Some days it doesn’t seem that long. Other days it seems longer.
Sometimes when the phone rings and it’s papaw, I always expect to hear your voice when I answer. To hear “Hey Doodlebug.” I’m just so sorry, Mamaw. I miss you so much. Please give Jesus the best garden ever.
I love you,
Kayla - age 14
Dear Boys of 2010,
I’m very young, but you have all left a mark in me that I will never forget. I remember I used to trust everyone, and thanks to you, I now know that I must not and should not open my heart to every single guy I come across. You have taught me to love, to suffer, to enjoy life, to love God and, most of all, to love myself. For that I will be grateful forever.
This is the first time in my life that I have semi-adult relationships, and I am happy for that. I appreciate every late night conversation, every random date, every concert we went to, every time one of you told me that I looked beautiful even if I didn’t, and every kiss that I will never forget. Ever.
I have suffered, too. Each one of you made me cry myself to sleep at times, and curse at the skies because I didn’t really understand what was going on in your minds. I hated you all at times, and then I loved you back again. I have scars, but every time I remember the sad parts of this year, I immediately think about all those pleasant nights and all the moments we shared together.
So thank you for making me feel loved, for showing me the meaning of being in love and for making me see that there is nothing in the world like falling for someone, and having that same person falling for you.
Thank you, and I wish you all have wonderful lives.
An 18-year-old girl
Dad,
It’s so hard to even type that word. Dad. I’ve never even said it out loud. I never really got a chance to know you. You died when I was six months old. I don’t remember your laugh, your smell, your smile. I don’t have one memory of you at all.
This past May marks 24 years since you have been gone. I wonder so often if you would be proud of the woman I have become. I have done some things that I am ashamed of, and I wonder if you would have judged me for them or been with me every step of the way.
I wish I could talk to you. I finally found someone who I think I could marry. I wish you could meet him. I wish you could walk me down the aisle. I wish I had some tangible piece of you.
Sometimes I hate that my two older sisters got to know you. I have never asked them their memories of you because I have always been afraid that I would resent those memories that I never got to have but they did.
I have a few pictures of you in my bedroom. I sometimes stare at your face and try to see myself in you. Growing up, family members always told me how much we look alike. I have never been able to see it. I wonder if they would say it just to make me feel better. Non-family members always say I look like Mom. So maybe it was the family’s way of making me feel closer to you.
I know that it has been close to a quarter of a century, but I still miss you. I still regret never knowing you. And I hope that you knew how much we all loved you.
Miki, 24
Dear Tom,
I have no idea where you are, or how you are anymore. But since that day five years ago, when you came home earlier than you were supposed to, I guess I’ve gotten better. Mother, well she’s still upset I stained her bathtub; Sister, well she still doesn’t have a clue; and Father, well he’s still high. But I don’t think those things anymore, and I don’t have those urges to finish the bottle and reach for that knife. At least not as often. I guess that’s a good thing.
Did you know that you are one of three people to know about that night? It’s killing me. Mother made me hide the scar; have it removed. I can’t even tell if it is there anymore. You don’t speak to us. You don’t speak to me. I can’t imagine what I put you through and I’m sorry. I just wish I had someone else around who knew, who was there, who isn’t trying to pretend it didn’t happen. I guess I’m saying I’m pretty normal now, at least when I don’t think too deeply. So it’s okay for you to come home.
Love you big brother,
Your baby sister, age 20
Dear Nathen,
I love you. I see you every day and can’t help but wish you were more than my best friend. i just want you to be happy. I hope you find who you’re looking for; you deserve it. You are truly amazing, and I’m sorry I’m not enough.
Love,
Michelle
Dear Misty,
Hi, my name is Riley. I am 18 years old. I am about to graduate High School with a 3.86 GPA and a 30 on my ACT. I have a younger brother who is 14. He plays every sport imaginable, and especially excels at baseball. He is quite the ladies man, I might add.
I live with my mom and dad in a very nice house with a swimming pool. My mom is the person I look up to most in life. She is the strongest woman I know. Would you like to know why she is strong? Well, my father and her husband of 23 years, had a full-blown affair with a woman he met a conference for his job. That woman is you.
“How did she find out?” you may ask. Well, I was looking at my dad’s phone one day, when a text popped up from someone named Misty. The text was suggestive and explicit. Quite disgusting, also. Does your husband know? I’d love to tell him if he doesn’t.
I hope you are happy with your life, because you tore apart mine.
Sincerely,
Me, age 18
Dear M,
I don’t even know where to start. I feel terrible. It’s been two years since you passed…two years since yesterday. And what did I do yesterday? I barely remembered it was the day. I’m trying to move on, but sometimes I think I’ve moved too far.
It’s not that I don’t care. Of course I care. You’re my sister, my best friend.
I just don’t want to cry anymore. You know me, when I hurt I ignore. I’ve ignored the situation. It’s not denial, it’s much worse. Mom almost flipped out yesterday about it. Something about not remembering dates.
And of course I remember dates. Fourth of December. How could I forget?
Some people mistake my ignorance for strength. I think I’m the weakest of them all. At least our parents have the guts to just let it out.
I don’t know. It just never feels like you’re gone. Like you’re on some long vacation. So it’s like, oh yeah she’s going to be back soon. But you’re not.
Am I heartless for not remembering yesterday? I’d been thinking about it all week. But then stuff happened, and I got all caught up. It just feels wrong and I feel so, so guilty. I think I’ve taken the easy way out. I’ve been blocking it out of my head so I won’t be hurt. But that’s foolish because that means I’ll never get over it.
I’m afraid that I’ll wake up one morning and I won’t be able to remember your laugh. Or your voice. And then it all keeps slipping, like a glacier.
Don’t think I don’t care. I always care. I just hate showing weakness.
I’m scared, M. I don’t know. I don’t know how to handle this. Still, after two years. Why has ignorance always been the path I choose? I think it’s partly because I feel stupid for not coming to you after the accident. Everyone told me you’d be fine! I was confused, and I didn’t want to believe there were any problems so I just let it go. And what makes it worse is that I had the chance to talk to you two days before the accident and I blew it off to play tennis.
I need to get my priorities straight. You were always good at keeping me in line.
I love you. I miss you. Forgive me. Please.
Love,
S.
Dear World,
I wish I could be myself. Not this overly happy, funny, joyful girl everyone sees. I’m shy, awkward, insecure, and not as smart as I lead on. I’m overflowing with problems and worries. They haunt me at night or whenever I’m alone. I think about how much I have messed up my life and the people around me I have hurt. Every day I wish I could start my life over and be someone completely different where I can be truly happy and not just for the moment.
I wish I could tell my mom that every time she criticized my self-esteem, her words made me think about suicide. Then I wish I could tell my dad, if you can even call him such a thing, that he was never there for me, financially or emotionally, and that I feel abandoned by him. I wish I was brave enough to actually say these things out loud instead of posting this anonymous letter that no one will ever see.
There are so many problems and obstacles in my life but I always try to see the positive side. That’s what I’m known for. In itself that’s another problem: sometimes I just want to hide or run away and cry until I can’t anymore.
I guess this letter is more to me than the world. I just want to know that everything will change one day for the better, and that one day, I will be happy. I always have an ounce of hope, but the ultimate truth is that I feel broken, and though I know only I can fix myself, I have no clue how.
Love,
Michelle, age 18
Mom,
We have never gotten along. I was always the problem child, and Stephanie is the shining star. I don’t blame you for not liking me. But lately we have been really butting heads, and it’s really upsetting me. Hearing about Nicole’s mom’s cancer and how she is going through chemo has made me realize how much I hate fighting with you, because in just a split second, we might never be able to fight again.
We only recently became close because the ADHD made me such a huge problem. But the medicine has helped so much, and I’ve seen a real change in myself. But I don’t think you’ve seen it yet. Still, no matter what I do, it isn’t good enough for you. All I want to do is make you proud of me because you truthfully are the most important person in my life, and I don’t think you realize that. We have never been the family that says how we feel and shares things like this, so I don’t get a chance to tell you these things. But the truth is, if I didn’t have you, I have no idea how I would survive. You are my best friend, my biggest influence, and the best teacher I’ve ever had.
Whenever I date someone you know is going to be bad for me, you try to tell me and I don’t listen. So you be as nice to him as you possibly can, and when you end up being right and he ends up screwing me over, it hits you just as hard as it hits me. But when I go back to him like I always do, you are just as sweet as you were before. When I get hit, you get hit too. And it took me 17 years to realize it, but that is the truest love in existence. I used to not care when we fought; I’d be so mad at you for no reason, and I believe that really upset you. But now the tables have finally turned, and fighting with you nearly kills me, and you don’t seem phased.
Well I get it now, I’ve learned my lesson, I’m sorry. I’ve never really thanked you for everything you’ve done for me. You’ve done so much. You’ve given up your life to make mine better. If I was smart enough to know that back then, I swear I never would’ve said half of the things I’ve said to you. So thank you for every little overlooked task, every meal you’ve made me, every time you’ve driven out halfway across the world at unreasonable hours of the night to pick me and my friends up when I was too cool to be nice to you, and thank you for still wanting to be my mother and do things for me after having at least five thousand reasons and examples from the past telling yourself that you shouldn’t.
So before it’s too late, I just need you to know that I love you more than I love me, I couldn’t imagine having anyone else be my mother, and I hope you can forgive me for everything I’ve done. I love you, mom.
Love,
Lauren, age 17
My Dear Friend,
It is overwhelming how much I miss you. I think about you constantly. I don’t want this to be JUST another letter. I don’t want to say all the things that have been said before, but sometimes those things that have been said before by millions, are the things that work.
I cannot describe to you the pain I’m feeling now that you’re gone. It’s horrible, unbearable. I hate every minute of it. I want you here. I need you here. I can’t stand for you to be away any longer. I know that it is not possible at all for you to come back, but I really wish you could. Allen, my dear friend, nothing has been the same. I love you. I miss you. I just hope that you knew this when it mattered.
I want nothing more than to be able to make more memories with you, to spend more time with you under the covers, on top of the covers, outside, inside, wherever I can. I just want to be able to text you like I did everyday. I want things to go back like they were. I know you were hurting; I tried to help. Nothing I did ever worked. But you…you could help me through anything and everything. And you did. I love you so much for that. I miss you more than I can even know, more than you can ever know.
Love always,
Chelsey, age 18
Dear Mom,
There is a lot I want to say to you, yet I don’t know where to start. First off, all I wanted was for you to love me. I didn’t understand your reasons for not wanting to be involved in my life. Everything I tried to do to make you happy didn’t seem to work, no matter how hard I tried.
You always said you loved me, yet every time I was scared or hurt you pushed me away. When I needed someone to talk to or just a hug, you weren’t there. Every day I watched other people’s families functioning so well that it made my heart twinge with hurt. It felt like you saw me as unfit, something to be discarded.
I thought moms were supposed to help guide their children, not watch as they went down a dark path alone. My whole life, I tried to create a relationship yet you pushed me away. Why? You knew I felt alone because I had no father to look up to, yet it seemed as you turned away like I wasn’t there. What have I done to make you act like this towards me?
Year after year I’ve tried to show you my love again and again. Tell me what I must do to get your love and affection. I’m desperate, mom. I’d give my life for you. Does that mean so little? Maybe someday that will change. I hope so anyway. For now I just want you to know I love and miss you.
Your loving son,
Joe, age 22
Dear Jojo,
I feel really bad that I broke your head. I never got to say sorry.
Love,
Keaton, age 7
Dear Alexander,
You would have just turned 19 years old this past October if you had made it through that operation. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have a brother that was so close in age. Would we have been close? Or would we have argued a lot? Would you have had mom’s eyes? What about daddy’s smile? Sometimes when I’m having a bad day, I can’t help but get on my knees and pray to you, hoping you can hear me. I pray that you can help Fred realize what mistakes he’s making with his life. I wish you were here so you could talk some sense into him.
Alex, I know you’re up there watching over me and the rest of the family. But I really do wish you were down here with me right now. Thank you for being my guardian angel when I’ve needed you most.
Love,
Your Sister Elizabeth
Dearest Leslie,
I don’t know if this is a surprise to you but I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you in 9th grade. When I walked into the classroom to deliver a note to the teacher and I saw you sitting there in the back row, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. You beautiful black hair, those gorgeous eyes, that angelic face. But I was always too shy to let you know. My self-esteem was always too low. Finally, when we were 17, I asked you out and you said yes. My dreams finally were coming true but for some reason, the date really didn’t work out and I didn’t ask you out again. I don’t remember why, it has just been too long to remember.
But now at 52, I realize you’ve always had my heart. After all these years, I think of you often and can’t help but believe that you and I should have been together. You are the only one for which I ever felt such a yearning, such a burning desire to love.
I’ve been married for 25 years now and it has been a difficult, mostly unhappy marriage. I feel like my life has been wasted by my inability to know what I wanted and go after it. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy and all because I couldn’t or didn’t act on what I know were the purest feelings I’ve ever had.
I have regrets in my life but by far you are the biggest. I think of the life I might have had with you. You have a face that a man could love for a lifetime, and still want more. I can only imagine how happy I would have been with you. But now it seems that my chance has long ago passed. I don’t know what the rest of my life will be like, but I know that it will be nothing like it could have been.
You’ll always have my heart,
Alan, age 52
My dearest Zach,
It has been three or four months since you shot yourself. No one ever bothered to tell me the actual date this past August, but I guess dates are insignificant to you at this point.
I’d first like to say congratulations for finally pulling through and not waking up. I hope you’re finally happy wherever you are right now, as I write this to your bodiless soul. I’m holding back the tears that have been flowing for months, but it gets harder rather than easier. I saved our last conversation which I read from time to time, and I have so many questions gathering up that no one can answer for me. I wish that we had gotten a chance to say goodbye. I wish I hadn’t said “bye” as our conversation ended and you were forced to go to bed. If I had known it would have been our last, I would have fought to let you stay online.
I miss you. More than you will ever know. I’m still in love with you. I wish you knew.
You’re going to miss so many important things in my life that I wanted you to be around to see. I cry myself to sleep with your memory. You haunt me, Zachary, and it’s driving me to the point of insanity. I love you, and I wish you were still around. I feel like life would be easier if you were.
Love,
A, age 15
Dear Grandaddy,
I wish there was more than words to let you know I feel about you. I have so much sorrow, regret and grief that it’s been pretty hard surviving this last year. I could never imagine how you passing could affect me this way. I realize how much I lost Oct 5, 2009 and it kills me. I never got to show you the respect, gratitude and love you deserve. You were the most amazing and admirable person I’ve ever known, and I would give anything for five more minutes with you. I wasn’t ready for you to leave. I needed so much more from you.
When I lost you, it was more than just a granddaughter losing a grandfather; it was like losing a parent and a life long best friend. I felt as if the better half of me died with you. You had so much to do with my upraising, so much of who I am I have to thank you for.
I’m sorry for how I acted towards you the last few years of your life. You’d been around so long; I never thought you’d leave someday. I took you for granted. I thought you were just a crotchety old man and could not understand your old fashioned ways. Now that your not here, I’ve come to have so much respect for the things I couldn’t stand before. I hope you know how I feel. I hope it’s not too late.
The birthday card you gave me was beautiful. It’s my most prized possession. Every time I’m feeling down, I go through old pictures of us when I was younger, and read those last words “I love you and wish you happiness”. That card has helped so much, Grandaddy. I hope to see you in Heaven some day.
I love you so much. Thank you for everything.
Love,
Morgan, age 19