The Things You Would Have Said

Dear Man in Charge,

I have gone through a lot in the past few months because of you. My grandma was moved into memory care and was quickly declining after getting over a bad flu. Due to this, I was falling behind in school, isolating myself from the world, and falling into depression.  During this time, you brought Schyler into my life. He helped cheer me up when I was feeling depressed about my grandma.  

I was called out of school to go see my Grandma because she wasn’t doing so well. After spending a long while with her, my family and I went home and we weren’t really sure what was gonna happen next. A couple hours passed and we received a call from the memory care place telling us she had passed away. I cried and cried and didn’t know how to stop, but since you brought me Schyler, he was there for me 110%.

I still miss my grandma a lot, but I know she is in a good place now. And I am thankful you gave me Schyler because I am falling more in love with him everyday. And everyday, he is something to look forward to. I haven’t been this happy in a very long time and I finally have a life back. So please make this last forever. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Me, 18 year-old girl

Dear family,

Hey guys. I am writing this letter because honesty and bravery don’t mix very well within myself.

Dad, although we have exchanged a series of characters, I don’t think we have exchanged any words in almost three years. I was so shocked when you came home that one night and busted my head open with a hockey stick. After being in college for few years, I am starting to understand where that spontaneous outrage sparked from. I know that you have tried your hardest to approach me and win me back, but you gotta understand that our relationship will never be the same anymore. I honestly do not know if I will have the heart to attend your funeral when you die. You and I were so close, but now I can’t even imagine us laughing together.

I sometimes look at the pictures of us and wish things would have been different, but as of now, I just can’t seem to change my image of you. Maybe, once I become a dad, I will understand how much you love me and feel the pain you are going through right now. If I could only say one thing to you, I would say, thank you for everything. I wish that you could somehow know that, but knowing me, you probably never will.

Mom, you mean the world to me. I am sorry I haven’t visited home in so long, but you are the one I go to for support. You don’t know how much you have changed my life. I know I can’t pay back all the love you have given me, but I promise you that when my passion intersects the success it deserves, I will make sure your life is free of hardship. I can always tell that when you see me suffer from pain, heartache, or failure, you feel so much more sorrow from just watching me. I need you in my life, and I don’t know how I will ever be able to let go of you. I love you.

Sue, I am always here for you as an older brother. Although I pretend like I don’t care about you, you know that inside the surface, I am always trying to give you the best options for life. I love you and miss you.

Sincerely,

Your brother and son

You,

I love the way you laughed at me the other day, when I couldn’t work the refrigerator door.

You are the cutest guy around, and I can’t ignore you, no matter how hard I try.

You are loved.

Me, age 17

To My Best Friend,

I wish I could say that I didn’t see any signs of it coming, but I did. I knew you were depressed and in a dark place, but all I did was wished you’d get better. I was afraid if I told your parents, or anyone else, you’d be mad at me, or worse, hate me. Time went on and I saw and heard less from you. In my mind I tried telling myself you were figuring things out, but I should have known that this was the time you needed me the most. You needed me to reach out to you, and I failed you.

I did try reaching out once when I came over a week before you killed yourself. You were physically alive, but you were already dead inside. You could see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice. I knew you didn’t mean it when you got angry and told me to leave you alone, I just wish our last interaction wasn’t so negative. I remember leaving, slamming the door behind me, saying “Well, fuck you then.” I would do anything to take that back.

When I got that phone call from Jesse about your suicide, I can’t even remember what happened after I hung up, I was so hysterical. I haven’t been the same since. It’s been ten years, and I still feel like there’s this hole in my heart. When you died, a part of me died. I wish I could have hugged you in the moment, and told you I loved you. I wish I could have told you that even though you were going through a hard time, I knew the old you was somewhere inside you. That’s how I remember you. I remember the guy who went to the skatepark with me and stayed up talking about random things and sharing secrets until sunrise. I remember the guy who would steal stop signs and pee on the snotty neighbor’s rose bushes. I remember the real you and I will never forget you.

And just incase I didn’t make it clear through this letter, I love and miss you, and I always will.

Always,

Maren, age 30

Dear Jake, 

It has been months since you broke it off, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I miss you terribly. I wish you’d say you’re sorry and that you were wrong for ending it and that you miss me, too. I pray for it every day. Do you know how bad you hurt me that night? Does it even occur to you or phase you in the least that you shattered my heart?

It kills me seeing you with other girls. Even if they are ‘just friends’. It kills me to think of you bringing another girl to your senior prom. That should be me. It kills me that I’m closer with your best friend than I am with you now. Does it kill you, too? I spend so much time wondering if I even cross your mind anymore. I doubt you’ll ever read this, but I really hope you do. Because every word is true. I dream of the day you’ll show up at my doorstep and pick me up and kiss me like you should. Please, don’t leave me to go to college across the state. I barely ever see you now.

I remember the first time I went to your game. The look on your face when you saw me as you were walking off the field is still in my mind today. I’ll never forget it. Or the feeling when you spun me around in that romance-movie-like hug. I wish I knew if you felt the same spark I did that day. 

Love,

Me, age 16

Dear Meth,

I wish I would have said no to you but everybody I knew was using you so I wanted to fit in. I would really be much happier if you were never found again, after ruining my health, family and teeth due to all of the chemicals. It seems fun when you’re high and finding things to do, but once it’s gone and you don’t have money, you end up doing stupid or crazy things to get the next fix. I hope you leave and never come back so please stay out of my life.

Your Worst Enemy, age 27

Dear College English Department, 

I worked for you for 10 years.  Yet after 9/11, you turned on me as if I was Osama and a killer. You stopped my career. I lost my livelihood. You won against that nasty Muslim woman. 

N, age 58

Dear Rhianne,

I know this is too late, I messed everything up. Things just can’t be repaired. I act like I don’t miss you, like I don’t care, like I hate you. But it is the complete opposite. Every single day, I miss our friendship a little more. I miss everything about you from your strength to your hope and beauty. I miss your basement. I would do anything to be back there sitting on the couch, laughing my butt about things that were only funny to us.

You don’t even look at me anymore and maybe you don’t know this, but I glance at you all the time hoping maybe you will be looking at me. But it never happens. You are always staring off into space like you always do, in your own little world. You think I changed and you don’t want to associate with me anymore. You think I don’t want you back, that I’m not trying, but the truth is I miss you more than ever. I just don’t have the strength to tell you this to your face because I am terrified that your answer is going to be “You missed your chance.”

I miss my Rhianne. My Maria. My secret keeper. My accomplice. My sister. My partner. 

I miss my best friend and I want her back.

Forever and always your BFF,

Shea

Dear Baby Brother,

I’m sorry I caused so much trouble while we were growing up. I feel like I stole a lot Mom and Dad’s time because they were always so worried about me and whatever I was getting myself into. And you. You were always so perfect that they felt like it was okay to put you on the back burner. I can never give that back to you. 

I’m so sorry I asked you to lie for me. I’m so sorry you had to watch your big sister, your hero, make so many bad choices. I was a terrible example. I dated so many dirtbags. I’m sorry you had to hang out with them, or even let them into the house (side note: If you ever try to bring home anyone as rotten, I will scratch her eyes out).

You have surpassed me. Watching you turn into this amazing young man has been an honor. I couldn’t have asked for a better brother. I’m so proud of you.

Love,

Your Big Sister, age 21

Grandpa,

I knew you for 16 years. And all I knew was that you never missed a Yankees baseball game, that we used to play pretzel, and you loved soup. Sixteen years I had to get to know you. Sixteen years wasted. I wish I could ask you what you parents were like, where you were when my dad was born, things you wish you had known. I want to know so much, and I know so little. I regret just thinking you were a stubborn, deaf old man. You didn’t get to see when I got my braces off, or wish me happy birthday for the 15th or 16th time. I regret not sitting around with you, just talking. I know now that you were an amazing man, who never got paid enough for you brilliant mind.

I still have my dollhouse, and for some reason whenever I look at it, it is the one time I believe in heaven.

Miss you papa,

A, age 17

Dear Alyssa, 

I’ve missed you so much. It feels so weird not having you around the house. Even though you stayed in your room the whole time, you still meant a lot to me. 

I wish you were here right now. It’s been very quiet and lonely without you. You were the best sister ever. We went to movies and did homework together. It was so fun! It would be so much better with you around. I miss you.

I miss listening to music with you. We always had a good time listening to music. I wish I spent more time with you and talked more to you. But now you’re gone, and since you’re playing basketball, you can’t be here all of the time. But at least you’ll be here for Christmas. 

Love, 

Cassidy, age 10

Dear Great-Grandmom Lane,

I miss Sunday dinners that started with a piece of carmel creme candy and ended with a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. I miss the smell of your house and all the adventures I had exploring it. Thanksgiving has never been as great without you. I’m sorry for not visiting you as much as I should’ve after Grandpop died.

Despite all the drama that went on with my mom and dad’s divorce, I should have made sure we got to see you more. I want you to know despite the fact that I still have Bud’s chin, everyone says I look just like you. It’s the biggest compliment I have ever received. You will always be in my memory as a strong woman and my first role model. I love you.

Colleen Margret, age 19

Dear Michael,

It’s been more than two years since you and your sisters died, but don’t think for a second that you’ve been forgotten. I still think about you all the time. Sometimes I think I loved you more than your sisters, but then that doesn’t seem fair and I feel horribly guilty. All three of you were such incredible people. For some reason, though, whenever I think of you everything seems like it’s going to be okay. You gave unconditional love to so many people at school as well as in the rest of the community, and in my opinion that means your life was well lived. You’re remembered well, and even though you only lived to the 9th grade, rest assured that you affected more people than you can possibly comprehend.

There are still so many moments where all I want is a Michael hug, because that would make me feel so much less alone. But I know that you’d be so disappointed in who I am now… and for that, I’m sorry. I’ve lost myself, Michael, and I wish you were here to help remind me.

Aaron is in good hands, by the way. You two were like brothers, and I just want to make sure he’s okay. Maybe that will make up for how bad of a person I’ve become. You’d be so proud of him. Really, he’s the best. He, for one, is not letting you down.

I love you. You’ll always be not only in my heart, but in the heart of everyone who was blessed enough to know you. You and your sisters are missed. But in a way, your passing made everyone stronger. They say that only the good die young, and you all were the greatest. Maybe if I’m able to join you in heaven, one day, we can catch up. Until then, I’m going to try to make you proud.

Love,

Emily, Age 18

Dear my first love,

From the day I met you, I knew I wanted to be with you. Maybe it was your smile, or the way you slipped your hand into mine and it felt so perfect, or maybe it was possibly your eyes. I will never forget the pain of realizing you live 300 miles away. You were a summer romance turned into a first love. But the thing is, every time I talked to you, you said, “When I see you, I will pick you off the ground and I will tell you I love you.” You never did.

The fact that we broke up still hurts. Actually, it kills me. The thing is, I never wanted to break up. I wanted it to work. But every night, you would tell me how much it killed you to be away from me and how hard it was to be away from me. How it was killing you, and how you didn’t know how much longer you could do it. I hope you know I cried everytime you said that. It made me feel like I wasn’t worth it.

I will never forget that day I came and visited you a few months after we broke up. The day was perfect, just like when we where together. I had your kisses and cuddles and I waited so long for you tell me all the things you wanted to say. But you didn’t say a word. In fact, you let me go so easy. When I went away on that train, the way you just said “See you next time” like it was so simple, destroyed me. For that I will never forgive you.

I am forever left wondering, did he look back? 

I love you, always have always will. M

Dear Kyle,

There are so many things I think about everyday. The biggest one of all is why would you make such a stupid decision and drive that night? I loved you unconditionally and I feel like you threw it all away that night. I’m not sure I will ever be the same. I feel changed forever by your death. I never expected it to happen the way it did or as soon as it did. No one will ever know why. But if you were here I would ask you why. What were you thinking in that very moment in time right before the accident? Did you think of your daughter you were about to leave behind? Or your loving family who cared so much about you? Where were you going? Home, or to my house?

No one will ever know any of those things and that will always be a burden on me. I don’t think I will ever be able to love anyone the way I loved you. You were my everything–you always knew how to make me smile and laugh, even in my worst mood. I don’t have that special person to share my jokes with anymore. I’m not sure why God took you but he has reasons for everything. I miss you, Kyle, and I always will.

Love always,

Your girl

Dear Mom,

I wish you had listened to us. I wish you had gotten help when I was 7, when my brother was 9. I wish you would have forgotten about your pride and submitted yourself to a home, or at least gone to a doctor. For 13 years you were distant, a shell of a woman, with no emotions other than those expressed through your disease. I know you tried to take care of us, but I don’t know how much that helped.

I’ve been to 12 different schools, lived in 4 different states and lost countless contact with friends and family. Some days I was actually surprised I woke up at all. Some days I thought that this is it, there is no way I can make it, but I did. I think God helped; I know it wasn’t you. Well, it’s now 13 years later and you finally got help. You have no job and no car, but you are better. I haven’t seen you in two years even though you live in the same state.

I’m 20 now but you act like I’m still a child, maybe to make up for not really being there.

Your son, age 20

Dear Laura, 

You were incredible friend to my little sister and you were always a sweetheart. I still can’t believe you are gone. It seems like yesterday that you passed away. I have so much I want to say but I can’t begin to put it into words.

You are my hero. You saw the world as half full and I thank you for that. I’m sorry I was so mean to you before you died. Everyday I feel the regret of bossing you and my sister around like you had no voice to do your own things. I feel terrible for making fun of you to my sister, I was just a stupid immature 14 year old. Thank you for teaching me how it feels to love someone beyond words and thank you for teaching me how to grieve properly.

I wish you were alive now. I wish you could see how much Shannon has grown up. It makes me so sad to think about what would have happened if you lived. You and Shannon were a perfect match and I hated seeing her struggling with flaky loser friends, when I knew you were always the best. We still morn on June 25 every year and my sister and mother have a beautiful garden in your name. Sometimes I go out there when I need to be alone.

I know you’re in heaven watching down on us. I guess I just wanted to say thank you and I will never forget what an incredible 12 year old you were. 

Haley, age 20

Dear Fiance,

The last six years have been great, up until a year ago. We had a beautiful baby boy, who you claim to be our biggest mistake. You told me you wanted a baby so bad, yet when we were blessed, it became your nightmare. I’m happy to see that your starting to spend time with him, but your his dad, he should see you more. Guess your buddies are more important. I know you really did cheat on me with your ex, but I’m still going to tell you and everyone else that I know you didn’t. You think those bruises on my legs are funny? Well I really don’t. I wish I had more confidence in myself to leave you, but I just truly don’t think I can do much better. So I’m going to really try to be happy that you asked me to marry you, and I said yes. I keep telling myself that things will get better with time, and I almost have myself convinced its true…almost. I love you a lot, but I wish I didn’t.

Love,

your wife-to-be

CRB,

I have tried many times to express how much you inspired me, and still do four years later, but no words could possibly describe you the way you deserve. Therefore I will leave you with this: I hope the clock is stuck on 12:34 just for you, and that you can see what a positive impact you made on every person who had the benefit of knowing you. I never knew you as well as I wish I could have, but you have touched my life in a way that will never be forgotten.

Missing you still,

SPH, age 21

Dear Dean,

I’m so sorry that I never said goodbye. I’m sorry I’m such a selfish person that I chose to lose all contact with you. I am so proud that you’re doing what you’ve always wanted–to spread the gospel. I’ve always been fascinated by your unlimited knowledge of science, especially physics. I feel like a bad person because I have nothing nice to say to you in person. For such a smart guy, you’ve always lacked common sense. I just don’t understand how you could leave me so quickly. I know I’m guilty, too, I never tried to get you back. But what would it matter?

You moved on SO fast, it was ridiculous. I don’t feel bad that your girlfriend is upset because you’re gone. I really don’t. You left me for her at the beginning of the most difficult time of my life. You didn’t even try to help me. When I said I couldn’t see you because I was tired or in pain, you got mad. Maybe I’m just a selfish person who wants pity, but I truly needed you. I needed to know that somebody besides my mom understood what I was beginning to go through. I am honestly proud that you’re doing such a noble thing and following in the footsteps on your dad but I wonder. I will always wonder. I wish you luck. And I wish that you will forever be off my conscience. I’m tired of being stuck in the past.

-Juliet

Dear Mom, 

I haven’t had the chance to tell you how much your words have encouraged me.  You always tell me to get good grades and behave so that I go far in life and get a good job when I’m older. I also appreciate how you have been so patient with everyone in our home.  You work hard every day and relax every weekend.  I’m sorry we have been unfair and haven’t given you your free time in a while.  I am very sure that all of us in our home are grateful for all of your support and the love you give us every day.  You are the strength that gets me through every day.  We love you, through the rough days all the same as the normal days. 

Sincerely, 

Kyla, age 10

Dear Jalina,

I wish I would have told you more often how much I love you because than maybe you wouldn’t hate me and we would be enjoying life with one another.  I wish I would have taken into consideration more how you felt and how I hurt you and how I can’t take that back.  I wish that you could forgive me and that we could laugh and have fun together like we used to.  I wish I could go into your bedroom at night like I used to every night and sit on the side of your bed and laugh and joke around and say our prayers. 

I wish that you would know how everyday I think of you and my heart hurts because it misses you so much.  And even though I have met the most wonderful person in the world, my world will never be complete until you are back in it.  I wish I would have realized that you should have come first over everything.  I wish I would not have lost you and our time together.  I love you and miss you.

Love,

your Mom

Neill,

It’s almost two years since you were taken from us and we all miss you terribly. What I struggle with most is that I don’t know what’s worse: wishing you were back with us and that you aren’t, or wishing to be dead like you.

Your friend