The Things You Would Have Said
Month
Dear Derek,
It’s been three years. Three years without you now. I sometimes feel silly for even caring so much. I wasn’t as close to you as others. However, I wish I could and would have been. I loved you. I was in love with you and never said anything. Despite what people said or the stories that I heard, I thought you were perfect. This world isn’t the same without your beautiful face. I still think of you every time I hear Dave Matthews or see a patch of gravel. Every time I see a Marine or Dane Cook stand up.
You will forever be in my heart and I can only live with that. I wish so badly that I had been able to tell you how I felt. I wish so terribly that I could have been older and had the chance. You were like a knight in shining armor to me. Your wit and smile always took my breath away. I guess this world wasn’t ready for you yet. That’s the only reason I can come up with. There was no reason for this. You should not be gone from here.
I will miss you every single day.
Katie, age 20
Dad,
For nineteen years of my life, you have managed to use your money to buy my love. Working ten hours a day, I never got to see you and thus, never got to know you.
I just want to let you know that you tore my world down when you had that affair. When my mom sat my brother and I down to tell us that she was thinking of moving out, I didn’t know what to do. Because of your selfishness, I developed an eating disorder to deal with the stress and spent two years of my high school career in and out of eating disorder treatment centers. I will never forgive you nor will I ever respect you.
What I really want to say, though, is thank you. Thank you for putting me through this hard time. This experience has made me a much stronger person. Slowly I am learning to put your affair and the effects of it behind me. I will not be defined by the past.
Sincerely,
Your 19-year-old daughter
Elma,
I have thought over and over about what I would say if I saw you or was lucky enough to run into you. And to be honest, I would just say “I love you.” Although it doesn’t carry any weight now, or whether it did at all, I still wish every single day I would have said “I love you.” I wish I would have lived up to those words. I wish I would have held you more when you cried, I wish I would have stood by your side every time. I will never get over letting you down.
Just hearing your name sends me into shock and crushes me. I do not know where we would have ended up—whether we would have had three boys like you said—but God, I wish I could have experienced it. You are still out there illuminating rooms and leaving imprints wherever you go, I am sure.
I just wanted you to know that I still dream of you every night and think of you every day. You are beautiful and actually made me feel alive again. Gave me the courage to peer into the future and hope, rather than constantly muttering, “It doesn’t matter.” I am better off for experiencing you for the short while I did. You truly were my best friend and for that I thank you. I am also forever sorry for letting you down so many times.
I love you always,
Elmo, age 39
Dear Pepe,
It’s funny how much I miss you. When I was growing up, I was never the first one to greet you. Quite frankly, you scared the hell out of me. You were big and scruffy and rough around the edges. You always smelled like freshly cut wood and wine. You were missing a few fingernails, your hair was patchy and gray, your glasses were too small for your face, and you spoke with that distinguishable French accent of yours. To a five year old, these are all frightening characteristics; but what I wouldn’t give to have them back.
All the things that made you recognizable and distinctive are now lost comforts. I miss the way you smelled and the roughness of your hands. I miss the taste of your pears in red wine and the way you always smoked cigars at night. I miss your obnoxious French cursing and silent laugh. But most of all, I miss the way your lived your life for others. You were humble in everything you did, yet proud of your family and your origin. You always lent a helping hand, no matter who was asking, and gave everything you had to those you loved, and then some. You accepted everyone with loving arms as a part of our family, and you could easily tell right from wrong in others, as well as in yourself.
You were infinitely patient with everyone; unless, of course, we were playing petanque or chicken foot. Or if somebody stole your drink. I miss the days of playing in your tree out front, pretending we were looking for spider monkeys. I long for the times you told stories of France and meme. I wish you could have seen how many people showed up for you funeral. It was truly breathtaking to witness how many people cared for you and you cared for in return, and, as aforementioned, it was blatantly obvious how willing you were to accept everyone as family. You gave when nobody asked, you loved when nobody cared, and you listened when nobody spoke.
But most of all, you lived your life with unwavering passion for your friends, culture, and family. It is this trait above all others that I deeply hope to possess someday. I hope, more than anything, that spending the little time with you that I did will equip me to live my own life with such a burning passion that it drowns out any hint of apathy or depression. You were the kindest and purest soul of a person I have ever had the honor of knowing. I pray for you often, and think of you not enough. God bless you Pepe. I hope to see you soon. Je t'aime.
Mariah, age 22
Dear Beautiful Girl,
I would always tell you that you’re beautiful. Honey, you are! When we were together, I was truly happy. I can’t get it out of my head how you would say that people in your past had mistreated you. I would never do that. Never.
It sickens me. We both have our insecurities. I know we do, and we can get over those. I still mean everything that I said to you. I will cherish you, hold you up and support you. I would give my life for you, be the man of God that you deserve. I will love you until the day I die. I hope and pray that one day we can get back together. I know you need your time and space. Looking back, it was always the simple things. How we easily got lost in the car, or how we were so dorky together. How you can make me feel better through anything, or if I’m in a mood, all I have to do is look at you and it’s okay.
Everything about you just amazes me. I don’t want anybody else. I want to get back to you. You gave me a fire inside, a drive to never give in. To always move forward. I still have that, but it’s a fire that burns for our reunion. When that day comes, when we finally get back in touch and I look into your eyes and see everything that I want in life, I will be set free.
I still know the exact spot where I first saw you. I go back there sometimes and just sit.
No matter what happens I will never give up on you, never stop fighting for you. I will never stop loving you.
B, age 22
Dear Biological Mother,
It’s been about five and a half years since I’ve last seen you. I just want you to know that I forgive you. I’ve spent years trying to figure out why you would choose men over some of the most important things in your life, your children. But I realize now it’s because you’re insecure. Drugs, alcohol, and guys gave you the feeling of security that you never had. You can try to pin everything that’s happened on other people but it ultimately comes down to being your fault and I hope one day you see this. I pray everyday that you can get away from all of that and maybe be in my life once again, maybe come to my wedding someday or be able to meet a first grandchild. But it’s up to you. Take your time because I’m happy and I’m perfectly capable of waiting.
Just know that I forgive you, for everything. I’m sorry things turned out the way they did.
Love always and forever,
Tasha, age 18
Dear Dad,
It seems like just yesterday you ran away from home. But unfortunately, it has been almost fifteen years. I’m sorry they found you in an ally drunk out of your mind. You ended up in the hospital for two weeks before dying of liver failure. I’m sorry I never saw you before you died. I’m sorry I don’t remember ever saying I love you. My memories of you are like fading pictures in my mind now. I was six at the time. How could anyone expect me to really remember you when I only saw you a few times a week?
There have been so many times when I just needed my dad there. My first break up, my middle school graduation, my second break up, my college acceptance letter, my third break up, and eventually my wedding. The only thing I have left of you is your last name, and an addictive personality. I’m always told it’s better you aren’t around because you would have ruined my life. But I cant help but wonder if I would have just told you I love you, if you would have stuck around a little longer.
I love you. I hope you hear me talking to you sometimes.
Your Daughter, age 21
Dear Rapist,
I want you to know first and foremost, I forgive you. I do not look back on the night you took my virginity with regret. I turned your evil deed into something beautiful that changed two people’s lives. I had the little boy. I hope he never knows his real father to be a monster as you are.
Because of what you did on the living room floor, I have blessed a family who could not expand on their own. Even though I hurt because of you, you gave me something to look forward to. I see that little man every so often now. He is three years old. He looks just like you, only more beautiful. So what I have for you is not just forgiveness, I have thankfulness as well. Thank you for the angel you have given the world. May he help put people like you away for good.
Signed,
Me, age 24
Madison,
Our fight was stupid. I wish you would have talked to me when I wanted to apologize. We were still “friends”, but it wasn’t the same. Neither of us had gotten the chance to apologize properly and explain why we did and said what we did, and how we felt, and what was going through our heads. We didn’t spend time together anymore, we didn’t confide in each other, and at your graduation ceremony I nearly cried watching you walk down the red carpet knowing that I wouldn’t be able to hug you and tell you how proud I was that you pulled through the way you did.
Eighteen isn’t old enough to die. Just days after your eighteenth birthday. At your funeral, I read out a note you and I had passed in grade nine. No one understood but it made your mother cry, and I could hardly hold myself together. It was the way I remembered you. That note was who you were, every day; just an average kid. You weren’t a superhero, you weren’t the most thoughtful person all the time and sometimes we made fun of other people. I didn’t want to get up there and say you were otherwise. So I told them how I remembered you. Back when you were my best friend. When we told each other our locker combinations and e-mail passwords. It’s why I’m writing this letter from your e-mail and not mine – because it makes you feel real when I go through our old e-mails. You weren’t just a dream, you’re not just a memory – you were Madison. You were my best friend.
I wrote because of you. You would read all my poems, write guitar to all my lyrics and sing them, and read every single chapter even when the book would never get finished. I’m still writing your book, by the way. The title is in French. I hate French, but I know you love how it sounds. Even though we weren’t best friends anymore, you still felt like a sister to me. You were the most important person in my life and I don’t think you ever understood that. I wish I still had a chance to tell you.
I wish we could have had a chance to apologize, and talk about things, and maybe it would have been different, and maybe you would have been at my house the night you died instead of wandering the streets because you had nowhere to go.
I love you, and I miss you. And if I ever get published, I hope you know that it’s all because of you. I looked up to you. I still do. You were the most amazing person in my life.
Sofia, age 23
Dear Mom and Dad,
I’m at a friend’s house right now. We have been having fun the past couple of weeks. It’s nice to be around good friends during a hard time in life. I just got out of a bad relationship. I wasn’t happy with the person. He made me feel so bad about wanting to reach my goals and dreams. He even hit me when things got really bad. I was not having any part of that.
Life is really scary right now. I don’t have a car or a job or any money, even. I want to go back to college but I just don’t have the money. I want to make something of myself. You know how I’ve always wanted to join the Peace Corps. Haha, Mom, I always tell people how you say that I’m out to save the world. You know how pure my heart is. You’ve always thought I was so smart and that I had a good head on my shoulders. I’ve always loved how you thought so highly of me.
But you know things have been difficult for me. I’m getting anxious and I just want to be out in the world already. I’ve made a few mistakes and learned valuable life lessons. Everyone does it. You’ve been there. You know how it is. It’s really scary stuff, though. Especially trying to make something of yourself and starting from scratch. I’m still learning and growing, though. Everyday. I don’t think I’ll ever stop learning and growing. Life is so crazy and the curve balls it throws you are so screwy.
Like that one time when I was thrown out of your house. It hurt really bad. Worse, actually, than any bruise or broken bone I’ve had. I’ve never in my life felt heartbreak as bad as that day. I didn’t show it that day, but I was in shock. I didn’t really quite understand what had happened until I had actually packed my things and left. I left with nothing but trash bags full of clothes and a few books and CDs. I never asked for much so I didn’t have much to pack.
I know I am stubborn and I make mistakes. But that’s not why I was thrown out. No. It was because of a flaw. One flaw. Heck, everyone has flaws though, don’t they?
Anyway, wish your homosexual son good luck in life because it might be a while before you see him again.
Love,
Your Son, age 20
Dear boyfriend,
I don’t think that you understand how bad you hurt me. Maybe you do? But who knows. You use everything against me and don’t care about my feelings. When we fight, you scare me. You grab me like your going to hurt me. Sometimes, you do hurt me. I don't want to leave this relationship because I don't know what you would do without me. On our good days, you tell me how much you love me and wouldn't want anything to happen to me. But you have happened to me.
I sometimes wish I could go back to the first day I met you and not even talk to you. I wish I didn't even met you. You have ruined me. I'm not the happy person everyone used to know me as. You made me into a darker girl, a girl that I can’t even recognize. My friends have even said I have change. But I’m scared to leave you. I’m scared you’re going to hurt me or hurt yourself.
You kill me every time you bring up your ex-girlfriend because I know you’re just trying to tear me down. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.
Rachel, age 19
Dear Mom,
I miss you. Many times I have wanted to run to the phone to tell you of something. Maybe I felt short-shifted by someone in word or deed, or maybe I made a verbal boo-boo and wanted to get your take on the guilt I felt. But this time, I would run to the phone and tell you of your new great-granddaughter, Olivia.
Do you remember that I always felt a little bit sad about not having a baby picture of myself? There were beautiful portraits of my older brother and of my younger brother, but none of me. I never knew, was I pretty or not pretty? What did I look like? All I knew was that I was born with a full head of silky, dark hair. I have that hair wrapped in its original tissue. You had saved it along with sampled of my brothers’ baby hair. One had white blond curls, and the other had red curls. No dark hair there.
When Olivia met the world early that September morning, in a big tub of water (they call it a water birth, Mom), it was discovered that she had a full head of silky, dark hair, an inch long.
I almost wept. I thought, did I look like this? Maybe this is my baby picture–only much better. What sweet peace a tiny infant brings, right, Mom?
My love always,
Joanne, age 32
Dear Daddy,
This is the first Father’s Day without you, and I am really struggling with that. When I left the hospital, I thought you were on the mend, and that we had squeaked by one more time. Why did I leave? I wish I had stayed and just spent those last hours with you, but work and family obligations called and I left to attend to things. When I got the call I dreaded my whole life, I came back to your bedside and even though you were still breathing, you weren’t conscious any longer. I stood by your side and held your hand and said it was ok to let go, that I loved you and would always love you. Very soon after that you died, surrounded by the family who loved you so. I know you lived 89 good years, but I wanted more. I miss you so much. I want to hear you say “Is that Suzy?” one more time when I call or came to visit. I miss your sense of humor, our phone conversations, and I miss knowing you are on my side, no matter what. I want to hear those stories you told again. I want my dad.
I miss you, daddy.
Love,Sue, age 55
Dear Grandma,
I know you’re up there looking over me. You’ve probably seen things you love, and things that would cause strong disappointment. Right now, I have a crush on this guy and you would be the first person I would have gone to to talk about it.
I remember when we would sleep next to each other in my big bedroom in Vegas, and we would just talk. Right now, your advice would do me very well. I miss and love you with my whole heart. I’m trying my hardest not to let the memories fade, and it hurts me to know that they are. I try my hardest to be there for Daddy and make him proud of me. I want to make a difference for us! I’m going to do it for you because if you were here, it would make life a milliton times more enjoyable. It will never be the same without you.
Jeyanna, age 16
To my whole family,
You always help me and you are always there for me. I just wanted to say thank you for everything. When I get 100% on a test, you hang it up. You appreciate me every day! I love you!
Love,
Hanna, age 8
Dear Melissa,
It is 2:00 AM. It has been about six hours since you walked out of my life. I just want you to know that I hope you find whatever it is that you are looking for, that I couldn’t give you. I am terribly sorry for the way things turned out. I fought for a year to try to get you to stay. You don’t know how much I truly love you. I guess we never really know how much we truly love someone until they are gone. You always had my heart. So many long nights talking, laughing, crying, and just saying I love you over and over. You told me that if I really loved you, I would let you walk out the door and not chase after you. I tried so hard to show you that since I truly love you, I would fight to get you to stay until I wasn’t able to fight anymore. I’m sorry I wasn’t mentally or physically strong enough to fight anymore. I wish I could be. You will always be the shining star in my life, and I just want to say that I love you with all of my heart.
Austin, age 56
Dear Grandpa Mac,
Growing up, I was scared of you. You were always quiet and you intimidated me. I didn’t make as much of an effort as I should have to get to know you, but when I got older, I always felt close to you. We didn’t talk about our feelings or discuss our lives but I’ll never forget that you always wanted to learn. Because I knew a little bit more than everybody else, I had to teach you, Grandma, and my parents about computers. I had to repeat myself to everyone else what felt like a million times. But you always listened to what I said. You never said much. You were always quiet. But you practiced and you learned everything I told you. I remember you were so proud when you learned to check your stocks online and do your email.
I remember when I heard that you had fallen and hit your head. I came to visit you in the hospital and everything was fine. I left to go to work and told you I’d see you later.
The next time I saw you was when you were on your way to University Hospital. They took you by helicopter because of the bleeding in your brain. I was at the hospital until four in the morning. I was there when the doctor said that your brain damage was too severe and that you were never going to wake up. I screamed at my parents when they said they wanted to keep you on life support until your kids got there from Texas. I didn’t want you to suffer but I shouldn’t have yelled at my parents.
I was there when they took you off life support but I didn’t stay for the end. I went out in the parking lot and I put my hand through a stranger’s car window. I didn’t even feel it. I never cried when you died. At your funeral, I was too worried about dropping the casket because it was too heavy and I could feel it slipping. I was so angry that I never cried, even when my dad did (and you know that Dad has always been too tough to cry). I took out my anger on a lot of random people through the years and hurt a lot of people I shouldn’t have.
I’m not a spiritual person. I don’t believe in God. But I wanted to thank you for coming to visit me. I’ve never had a dream that clear as when you came to talk to me. Thank you for showing interest in me and letting me tell you about my life. Thank you for telling me that you were proud of me. I try so hard to make you proud. I should have told you that I loved you. I’m sorry I never did, not once the whole time I knew you. I thought it would have made you uncomfortable and I was probably right because you didn’t talk about feelings or anything. But I should have said it. I love you, Grandpa. I hope you knew. But I’m just sorry I didn’t ever tell you that.
Love,
Adam, age 27
Dear Uncle,
It will be eight years ago this Christmas Eve that you have been gone. I guess you could say Christmas just isn’t so merry anymore.
Every Christmas Eve is a reminder of how you took your own life, for a reason I’ll never know. You were my mother’s only sibling, my grandparents only son. If you think of it that way, maybe you’d realize why it was so selfish to take yourself away from so many people who cared about you. I’m sad to say my memories of you aren’t so clear anymore. I was so young.
I wish you were here. I wish you could see how I’ve grown. I wish I had the chance to grow closer to you. I know we would have gotten along so well. I have three uncles and those relationships couldn’t even compare to the way we would have been. Your sister has a picture of you I took years ago of you wearing a Santa hat, framed and in our living room. It’s beautiful.
Now, I hope you’re partying it up with your mom up in heaven. We all miss you so much.
Love and hugs,
Your only niece
Girl,
I was on a bike ride with my father to the store one day. I can’t remember exactly how old I was, probably 7 or 8. On the ride back, I turned a corner around an apartment building and there you were. Time seemed obsolete. I stared at you. You stopped dead in your tracks and stared right back. I nearly wrecked because I could not take my eyes away. Since I was so young, I had no idea about true love or soul mates, but I still believe you might have been mine. My dad was in a rush that day so I never got a chance to talk to you. I am almost 24 years old now. Almost 17 years later, I finally get a chance to say something. Whether you’ll hear this or not is up to
fate. Here it goes.
I’m not exactly sure what emotions I could feel for a complete stranger, but I feel a very close connection between us. I think you are the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen. Please find me.
Waiting,
Me, age 23
Mom,
I didn’t think you were going to die and leave us. To me you were invincible. You came home from the hospital that Thursday, after having your second heart attack in a week, and I still didn’t want to believe that anything was going to happen to you. You were the strongest woman that I ever knew. I should’ve come to your house that Sunday but I chose to do something else instead. Then Monday night you were gone and I was filled with regret because I never told you that I forgave you for all of the things that happened in my childhood. I never got to tell you how much I loved you and was so glad that you were MY mother. Most of all, you will never get to see your youngest daughters get married and have children. Your youngest grandchild was born almost a year ago and he looks and reminds us so much of you. I loved you so much and try to fill the void that was left in our lives when you died. It’s so very hard because you are in everything we do. I am so sorry I didn’t tell you all of this sooner.
Love,
Your daughter, age 28
Dear Sabine,
I’m sorry that I looked back at your death as a convenience.
It’s cold, heartless, and callous.
Your unborn body didn’t survive the Turner’s Syndrome - that they explained at my four month ultrasound appointment - and, it was better that way.
That’s what I told myself. I knew what was coming.
Your father and I split after your death. I began to drink, so did your father, and we splintered our relationship into pieces. I cried, Sabine. I cried so hard I thought my body couldn’t take it any longer. I always thought I was crying over the pain of our separation, debt, and stress. But, my dear, I always cried for you.
You died on my birthday, Sabine. For this, some would say their birthday has a sad note. For me, it’s an honor to have been born on February 26th. You left the world the day I entered, you brave little being.
You would have been my darling. And, I’ll always love you.
I know you’re in a better place and sweetie, so are your Mom and Dad. Our family is back together again. I wish you were here, lovely.
All my love,
Mommy, age 34
Dear Dad,
I am sorry for all the confusion I have put you through. It’s been so hard that you left mom and now live with your girlfriend. It felt like you abandoned me and didn’t even try. I felt like I failed you and did not do good enough as a daughter. Like half my life is a lie and there’s nothing I can do. I miss you, I miss how you used to be. The father-daughter relationship we had. That can’t change now and I’m angry because I wish everything was the same. I still love you and always will. You’re my dad and even if your not sorry and will never change, I will always be here for you. You are one of the most caring people in my life and I will always be thankful for that.
Love,
Your daughter
Dear My Sister,
I love you, I really do. But not a day goes by that I wish you weren’t autistic. I try communicating with you, but you never respond. You can’t have a conversation with me. Everyday something happens, a story I want to tell you. Things I want to gossip with you. A boy I want to tell you about. An outfit I want your opinion on. And it breaks my heart every single day to know that it will never happen. I envy every person who has a sibling that they’re close to, because that’s all that I want.
You’re only a year younger than me, and I think we would have been the best of friends. We’d be in high school together now, and maybe we would have the same classes. Maybe we would be on the tennis team together. Maybe we would have lunch together. Maybe we’d fight in the morning about who gets the bathroom, and maybe we’d share makeup and clothes. Instead I’m your constant babysitter. I have to make sure you haven’t run away again, make sure you went to the bathroom, make sure you’re showered, make sure you have took your medication.
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wish you weren’t autistic. I missed out on a sister, and I hate that. And you missed out on a pretty awesome older sister, too. But at this point, I’d settle for anything. Maybe an, “I love you”. Or a hug. Or a connection.
Maybe, one day.
Love,
Your sister, age 16
Grandma,
I wish that I could have been there for you when your head hit the ground and when your lungs gave out from smoking. I wish I could have gone back in time and destroyed every cigarette on earth! I wish that I could have told you more often how I felt. I tried once, but you just laughed. I wasn’t kidding, Nana. I feel like somehow it was my fault, my fault that you’re gone now. I know I had no control of you and what you did, but I wish you could have just listened to me, just once. It could have helped you. You would be here right now, to watch me grow up. You could cherish my accomplishments with me, and I could cherish yours, too.
When I was born, you were there to lift my head when I was too weak to do it myself. You were there to help me learn to walk and talk. You were my rock, the solid place to stand. I still can’t believe you’re gone. There are nights when I swear I can feel your arms around me, promising me that, “Everything will be ok.” Saying, “Don’t let this pull you down. You are a stronger person than that. This is only an obstacle for you to overcome. You can jump over it with ease, and watch as it falls back on the trail behind you.”
I looked up to you. I still do. I won’t forget you Nana, not ever. I know that you are waiting for me, up in heaven. I know you are there right now. I know that you watch over me and protect me. I wish I could have told you how much I love you. Nana, I love you.
With all the love in my heart,
Hunter, age 13
Dear Papa,
I know I never try to talk to you anymore. I thought that this maybe would be way to do it. I miss you every day with all my heart and wish you could be here now. Ma’s awfully lonely without you. I hope she finds someone someday soon. I know you wouldn’t want her to be alone.
You’d be so proud of Comino. He works so hard and hopefully he’ll get the scholarship he applied for. I think he deserves it. I’m in Germany studying abroad now. I won two big scholarships for it. I wish you could see everything I’m seeing. I miss home and our familia but I’m trying to make the most of it while I’m here learning the language.
I wish you could meet Mike to tell me what you think of him, although I know that you didn’t want me dating until I was out of college. I hope that’s alright.
I just wanted to tell you I love and miss you very much and hope you’re doing well and happy, hopefully in heaven–I can’t see you being any place else. I hope I get to see you when my life ends so I can tell you all about it.
Love,
Tu Muñeca, age 20
Dear Kevin,
I remember every detail I tried to forget. The blue carpet. The Doors poster on the wall. Your black bedding. The sound of Sgt. Pepper’s “Getting Better” in the background.
I’ll have you know that I hate you for it. You watched your “new” friends molest me. You set up the interaction. You were my very best friend, Kevin.
So you could be cool, you let them tie me up. You heard me scream. So you could be cool, I’ve developed an eating disorder and spent years in and out of therapy. You sat there and watched them molest me. You were my best friend for eleven years.
Every time I see you at functions, you smile and greet me as though we were till the dearest of friends. I hope you can still hear me scream.
Love,
Your best friend,
Alex, age 22
Liz,
I just want you to know that everyday I think of you. Everyday I think of how I didn’t answer my phone when you called that morning because I was too tired. Little did I know, you were going to go to our favorite place and take your own life. I will always regret not answering the phone for you, I will always think that I could have changed the way things went. I know I could have. I know you could still be here, and we could go to the mall and make fun of people like we always do.
I knew you had a problem, I knew you weren’t happy. I wish I could have changed that. You deserved better. And sometimes I purposely make an idiot out of myself because I know you would think it was funny. I always tell myself “What would Liz do?” and usually the answer I come up with is something crazy. Because well, you are the craziest person I have ever met. And no one will ever be able to outdo you. You have taught me so much. I love you, Liz. Everyday I pray that you will come back, like this is all just a big joke on your part. I am realizing now that it isn’t a joke. And that you are gone. You will never leave me, though. I love you. I wish I could of helped. I wish I could have changed things for you.
Love always,
Alicia, age 19
Dear Katie,
Thank you for always picking me in kickball. Sometimes I get scared that nobody will want me.
Your friend,
Sarah, age 8
Dear Holly,
You were a part of my life for eleven years. I literally don’t remember life without you. You’re a part of my first memory, and sadly I think I’m a part of your last. I tear up when you image comes to mind and can’t think about you comfortably. Your brown eyes and your coppery red hair are branded into my memory.
Some people would find me strange writing such a letter to a dog, but you weren’t only that. You sat in my lap while I would complain to you about friends, family, and school work. You sat by the fire with me as I read, you took walks with me when I had no tolerance left for the people surrounding me. You were not only the friend I think I’ll remember the most, but the one who stood by me three years after your life was predicted to end. Eleven is too young to die, whether it be a dog or a person.
You had been sick for a couple weeks and I was coping. My subconscious mind knew you wouldn’t be with me long, and that made it harder to look at you. You stood by the door and asked me, if only with your eyes, to let you outside as I did every other night. It was a little later than usual, but I didn’t think any thing could go wrong. Ten minutes later, I went to find you I couldn’t. Sobbing and trudging through mud, Abby and I went looking for you. We searched for an hour. Nothing was found.
For months after, I hated myself for letting you step outside the sliding door, but I’ve realized that it was just your time to go. Abby and I have talked quite a bit about your passing, but have decided that you couldn’t have been a meal for a mere coyote. We know we would have felt it, known it in our hearts, if you had been taken by God without your seal of approval. We both know you were far too stubborn for that, but that’s part of what made you, you, Holly. Thank you for standing by me for eleven years. I’m not sure I would have made it without you. You’re still a part of my daily life. I love you, I miss you, and I thank you.
Your Sister,
Bethany, age 13
Dear family of the boy,
I am sorry for what I did. I know that sorry will never bring him back to you and that it will never be enough. I was so pissed at my girlfriend that I went to the bar. It seems so stupid now. I don’t even remember why I was so mad. I thought I was alright to drive. I never imagined that I would lose control. It has been three years and eight months, and what happened still haunts me.
You didn’t send me angry hate mail or anything like that. Instead you tried to help me. You told me you forgave me, even though I can’t forgive myself. You have shown me mercy when I don’t deserve it. I wish I could give you your son, your brother, your boyfriend, your friend back. I am so sorry for the pain I have put you through. If someone would have done that to my son, I wouldn’t have been so forgiving. He was so young. He never got to really experience life.
You have taught me what it really means to love and forgive someone, and for that I am grateful. You have inspired me to turn my life around. Thank you for the hope and encouragement you have given me, even though I don’t deserve any of it.
I can never say sorry enough.
Sincerely,
the undeserving, age 26