The Things You Would Have Said
Month
Dear A.J.,
You are a great friend and I really wish you were here right now. But since you are not, this is what I have to say.
This is the first time I had ever had one of my best friends move, and I hate for you to be the victim of your family’s moving. It was hard for me and probably hard for you, too. I can’t even explain how long it has taken to move on, and I still think about you from last December. I can’t wait until 8th grade when you come back. Although I probably won’t recognize you, I hope for the best.
Sincerely,
Cole, age 10
Dear Mom and Dad,
I grew up with the notion that you guys didn’t love me enough because I never had new clothes like the other kids, or the latest technology device, and I always had to do chores, never heard the words “I love you” coming from you guys. Growing up, I resented that, and was a bit sad that you guys didn’t love me. I never got to experience bonding time with you guys and I grew up thinking to myself I would be a much better parent to my kids than you guys ever were. I’m twenty now, and it has taken me a long time to realize how much you do love me and how wrong I was about you guys. All those times I was alone, you were out working to support ten kids so we could have a roof and food on the table.
I’m so proud of you guys. You came to the US with no education and couldn’t speak English, but you guys managed to support us. Today you own your own house, cars, and all of your kids graduated from high school. Now that I’m in college, I realize all the bills you have to pay while still supporting ten kids is not easy, but you guys are wonderful and did it. Not once were we ever on the verge of being homeless. I love you guys.
Looking back, I am ashamed to be so selfish to want everything while you were busy supporting us so we could have an education you never had. You showed me the true meaning of the American dream: building a family from nothing, working hard, and at the end of the day knowing everything you own is yours cause you never gave up. I hope one day I can be half as a good as the parents you guys were. You guys are my motivation, my inspiration, my life. I love you.
Your daughter,
Alee, age 20
Dear Love,
There are so many things I want to tell you, but I can’t. Like, I wish we could make it together, but I know we can’t. Our age difference plays against us in so many ways. We made a beautiful child, though. I love him more than you can know. You’ve only seen him twice, and it breaks my heart. Sometimes I wonder if you even care about him at all. I’m sure you do. I want to believe that you do anyway. I’ve tried my best to have you come see him, but something always comes up. Is it because you don’t want to see me? Do you think he isn’t yours?
I want to tell you how much I love you, and want us to be a family. You said you wanted the same. You said you were in love with me. That I had your heart. What happened to forever and ever, babe? If you think he isn’t your child, you’re sadly mistaken. He looks so much like you. You know, sometimes I look at him and cry. I wish I could tell you this, but I can’t. You hardly ever call to check on us. Maybe one day everything will work out; until then, I love you with all my heart.
KP, age 17
Dear Madelene Rose,
I love you more than life. Movie quotes and lyrics still connecting us like constellations. Your hazel eyes complete me. Four tracks is not enough to tell you how I died inside. I don’t want to feel anymore, I’m never over it. This lust to my brain feels like a gun. I lost my head, my mind. Everywhere I go, I think about you. This life, this existence is meaningless without you. My eyes have gone colorless at the sight of emptiness. Day after day, night after night. Perhaps these delusions have gotten the best of me, but these feelings…why are they so real? Why are these tears flowing? I miss you more than anything. My soul misses you more than anything. I am ready to leave this plane of existence if I could ever just reach you. I’m so sorry for wasting your love. Please forgive me.
-Mr. X, age 20
Dear Dad,
I fear that somewhere down the road you will forget me. In the last year, you have deployed and have remarried since mom. I know the cancer took her years ago, but I’m still here. I’m still the little girl you used to run around the baseball field with. Still the little girl that screamed from the stands at your hockey games. And do you remember that lost and afraid little girl that held so tight to you the first time you boarded that plane? I remember, and I’m still here. Your new wife hates my guts, and she wants me out. But didn’t you love me first? I have one last secret to tell you before I pack my bags this weekend. I enlisted. That’s right your only little girl leaves for boot camp in March. Crazy? Marine brat is how I grew up. I just hope this will make you proud. I love you, daddy.
Forever yours,
Babybluu, age 19
Those who live in the Pacific Northwest, mark your calendars! On March 15th, we’ll be having a book launch event at Powells on Hawthorne in Portland! Details to come. Bring your friends and family and come celebrate!
Dear Grandma,
I wish I knew you more before you passed on. I’m not entirely sure how old I was when you died. I think I was 7, but regardless, it was too long ago to remember. I remember my mom driving my sister and I to the hospital when we heard the news. My mom left us in the car in the parking structure to rush to your hospital bed. I was too young to understand what was happening, so I didn’t feel much emotion, but now, over 8 years later, I often find myself thinking about you and the wonderful legacy you left behind.
I’ve seen pictures of you and I together as a baby. It’s hard to believe that I often times forget about all of those timeless moments of my young life. My mom tells us stories about how you and grandpa fell in love, and it inspires me to try and be the best I can for my girlfriend. I wish you were able to meet her. She’s wonderful. I know you’d be proud of me if you were here. I find myself in situations that question my morals, but then I think about how you’re always watching me, and I always do the right thing.
You are the reason for my strong integrity, my endless compassion and my respectful doings. It’s been so many years, and grandpa still thinks about you. It tears me apart to think about how lonely he is now that you’re gone. I’m starting to cry, so I’m gonna end this with the parting message I wish I gave you that terrible day.
I love you.
Spencer, age 15
Dear Mom,
I know I’m very young and you aren’t sure if I understand life yet. I don’t want you to worry because, through all the mistakes you and dad made, I have come to understand the important things in life.
You made sure I always had a warm place to sleep and food in my stomach. You weren’t there emotionally sometimes, but I understand why you could barely feel. All the things dad put you through were bad. I went through a lot of the same things while you were at work. He tore me down with his words and sometimes I got hit, too. He was never a real father. He needed me much more than I needed him. All the while, you did your best to provide for me. I thank you so much for all of that. My life wasn’t the easiest, but I don’t blame you or even dad. I am okay with it. Without all of that I never would have become the girl that stands in front of you everyday.
I admit I have abandonment issues because of everyone leaving, but I realize there was always one person who stayed. My best friend of 8 years was there for me through everything. Without her, I would be dead. Many times I thought about suicide, but I knew that was giving up. You know I’m stubborn. I never give up.
I know it pains you that I chose to move out. I was holding you back. Your boyfriend lives in another state and I just can’t move in the middle of high school. This is where my life has always been. I know he makes you happy in ways a daughter can’t. So even though it hurts, it’s okay to go. You tried your hardest to be the best mom you could be. Your intentions were good. You didn’t go about things the right way, but what’s done is done. My sister is suited to take care of me.
Since I moved here two months ago, I have been so much happier. I have good grades. I’m stress free and I am being to love myself again. I know I am nowhere near perfect, but I love that. I’m different and unpredictable. I love you with all my heart and only hope you happiness. I forgive you for everything. I want you to know I sleep better now. I remember my dreams when I wake up. They are always happy. I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore. (Well I did once, but a boy broke my heart.) I haven’t thought about killing myself in awhile. I believe I am beautiful and worth something.
I will never give up on my dreams because I saw what that did to you. I will not move quickly with a guy and will make the right decision the first time. Everything I have been through has made me a better person. I hope you’re proud of me. I’m sorry for all of the terrible things I have said and done to you. I’ll make up for it someday. Just remember, while your gone, to miss me. Call sometimes. I still write poetry, if you were wondering. Maybe someday I’ll get it published like you want me to. For right now, I’m going to go live life as a teenager while I still can. I’m going to stay up late with friends, have long talks with boys who will be forgotten in a couple of years, but I will stay safe. I will be the daughter you always wanted even though I wasn’t her when I was with you. I’m sorry.
With all my love,
Your baby girl, age 15
Dear Devon,
Love should set you free. After five years of being enslaved by our past, I am ready to find my freedom.
Cam, age 19
Dear Lora,
You left today with me wondering when the next time I’ll ever see you again will be. It may be years from now, it may be never. On Wednesday you leave to go to a college halfway across the country, and I have no idea what I’ll do once you’re gone.
We’ve been friends for eight years, but only in the last were we close. You were my best friend at a time when I needed one the most. Sometimes I wonder if I’d still be alive if you hadn’t been that one single point of light in my life. Your laughter was the most beautiful thing about you. I can’t tell you how much time and energy I put into trying to make you laugh. A smile would make my day, a laugh my week. For a long time you were a huge part of my life.
I know it was love because I’d sit and wait in my seat in third period, looking up every few seconds to see if you had walked through the door yet. I know it was love because when that asshole broke your heart I wanted to cry with you, and every time I see him to this day I want to kick his ass. And I know it was love because no matter what happened, I could never stay mad at you. All you had to do was smile and all animosity dissolved.
I’ve told you I loved you half a dozen times, but life never goes like fairy tales. Some loves are destined to be unrequited, affection may be a one way street. It is enough to know that you loved me as a friend. It is enough to know that I’m not the only one who’ll miss the times we shared, and dwell on them in months and years to come.
I don’t have half as many as I would like, but I will treasure every moment, every memory we shared. I still remember day the rain was pounding against the window, and you and I drew comic books and passed them when Mr. Demarco wasn’t looking. You really were a terrible artist. Or how we could have a whole conversation using only facial expressions. Or last night when you came into my tent and cuddled up against me. With my arms around you and the feeling of you breathing against me, I cannot remember a time where I felt more complete, more content. Though you claimed your love was platonic, we knew there was something extra. It was a taste of what could have been, an act of love and intimacy that I will treasure.
Thank you for everything, Lora. I could write a letter ten times as this one and still not come close to putting to words what you’ve meant to me.
Love,
Joe, age 18
Hi Mom,
This is your little girl. The one you loved so much. The one you would give anything for. Here I am. I guess you just forgot where I was.
It’s so sad what happened to you. I saw you last when I was 12 and you were murdered when I was 13. I just wish that while you were alive, you would have been more a part of my life. Maybe tried taking me away from the people you put me with. Maybe you would still be alive, maybe you would be here for me.
Right now, I’m not doing so well. Could really use some of you guidance and advice, but I suppose for now I will just have to go by what I think you would say, “Be strong baby, Mommy loves you."
I’ve grown into this 20 year old girl now. I wonder what you would say to me if you could see me now. Would you be proud?
I love you, Mommy.
Love,
Your Charly Brown, age 20
Hi Mom,
This is your little girl. The one you loved so much. The one you would give anything for. Here I am. I guess you just forgot where I was.
It’s so sad what happened to you. I saw you last when I was 12 and you were murdered when I was 13. I just wish that while you were alive, you would have been more a part of my life. Maybe tried taking me away from the people you put me with. Maybe you would still be alive, maybe you would be here for me.
Right now, I’m not doing so well. Could really use some of you guidance and advice, but I suppose for now I will just have to go by what I think you would say, “Be strong baby, Mommy loves you."
I’ve grown into this 20 year old girl now. I wonder what you would say to me if you could see me now. Would you be proud?
I love you, Mommy.
Love,
Your Charly Brown, age 20
Dear Boy,
Why did you kiss me? Why did you tell me you loved me? Why did you tell me I was beautiful? Why did you know everything about me? Why did you make me feel so special? Why did I give my whole self to you, when you didn’t give yours in return? Why did I let you make me feel so worthless that I cut myself, shut out my friends and lost myself so that you were the only person I could turn to? Why did you play with my head, making me think there was hope for our relationship when there wasn’t? Why do you tell me you still care? Why do I believe you?
Emily, age 19
Dear Grandpa,
I am so lucky to have you as my grandpa because you helped keep Vietnam proud and happy.
The thing that I wanted to say to you is: why did you have to die on the day I was born? The day babies are born is supposed to be the best day of their lives. But the day that I was born was the worst day of my life.
When I turned one the next year, I never smiled, even though it was my birthday.
Now that I am ten years old, I’m still not happy. And that is all I have to say.
Sincerely,
John, age 10
Jeff,
If I would have known that it was my last chance to talk to you, here’s what I would have said.
I would have told you that I didn’t stop loving you, even though I had to distance myself from your addiction and your choices.
I would have told you that I wanted my brother back. The brother I used to know, the one that I tried to protect his whole life. The brother that used to be so much fun to be with and to laugh with.
I would have told you that your two kids, your parents, your sisters, your brother and all your nieces and nephews still had faith that one day you would get into recovery and that you would be a part of our lives again.
I would have told you that if you were to die, that you would take a piece of me with you.
I would have told you that I will always love you and that I will miss you every minute of every day until I’m with you again.
My heart aches for one more hour with you and one more chance to hug you and tell you I love you.
Your sister,
Lisa, age 47
Dear Dad,
My biggest worry is forgetting you. I forget the way you used to talk, what your thoughts were. What do you think of me now? I’m your little baby, all grown up, without you getting to see.
I’m strong Dad, I fight now; I fight for my right to be heard. I need to be heard - you taught me that. But you can’t hear me, so everything else seems insignificant now. People seem not to matter.
How can I ever miss or regret anything when the saddest thing that has ever happened to me is your death. I’m not lost, dad, but I’m certainly not me anymore and I’m still deciding whether this is a good or a bad thing.
You missed me get my grades, you missed me learn to drive, you missed me turning 18, you missed me getting my first job, you missed me going off to University. I can’t live with it because you should have seen it all. I wish I could talk to you.
If there is one thing I know it’s that I am going to change the world now. I’m going to change it for me but also for you. Because you told me I could. That’s the best gift a dad can give a daughter: his belief in her.
Remember when you told me the only thing I was spoiled with was love, if that was ever possible? Well, now I’m really missing your love.
I love you so much,
Your youngest daughter, aged 18
Dear first love,
We met in 9th grade. We dated and I broke up with you. We planned on getting back together at a dance, but when we got there, I realized I just didn’t want to be with you. You met the love of your life that night, and it wasn’t me.
Over the next six years we would become best friends, get back together, I would fall in love with you, we’d split up because you wanted to be with her, get back together, split up, and on and on and on. You made me the happiest and the most miserable that I have ever been in my life.
We are currently living together, as best friends, and the girl you met at the dance that night is now pregnant with your child.
I have given up on the hope that we will be together someday, but I will always wonder what our lives would be like now if we had gotten back together at that dance before you met her.
Love,
Your best friend, age 21
Dear Mom,
I miss you. A lot. And I know that you don’t know, nor do you care. If you cared, things would be different. But I’m not your little girl anymore, and it hurts me more every time I realize that.
Ever since dad moved back, and I started college, things haven’t been the same. You drink more; you started doing drugs, and you’ve become a lifeless soul in the shell of a person I used to love. I don’t know how to get along without my mom. I’m still a little girl. Though I’m 19 and in college, though I have a fiancé and I’m starting my own life, that doesn’t mean I wanted to lose you like this.
Physically, you haven’t gone anywhere. But when you drink, you disappear. You’re not the loving, quick-witted, brilliant jokester that I used to look up to. You’re just an example of why I should never, ever drink. And I guess you’re doing a great job.
It hurts me when you drink. It does. And I’ve told you a hundred times over. But I guess my pain, worry, and despair just isn’t enough to convince you to stop. I miss you so much. I come home from school, and you’re the first person I want to see, because you’re my mom and I love you. But when you drink, you’re not my mom. You’re just…alien to me.
Please come back. I’m slowly losing you forever, and I’m not ready to accept that yet. I hope that there will be one night where you’re sober, and you remember the things I’ve said. It kills me when you forget what we talk about, because a few times I’ve told you deep things I couldn’t tell anyone else, and it doesn’t matter. I just need my mom. I really need my mom.
Love,
Your daughter, age 19
Dear Bestie,
I love you. I’ve told you thousands of times that I love you. And you’ve told me thousands of times that you love me. I don’t think we mean the same thing. When I say I love you, I mean I really love you. I can’t go an hour without thinking about you. I can’t go a day without talking to you. I can’t go two days without seeing you. You are amazing, and I know that occasionally you don’t believe that yourself, but it’s true. You are the strongest person I know, and I don’t know what I would do without you.
Actually I do; I would die. You’re always there for me, and you understand that I have a hard time expressing my emotions and feelings, but you’re patient and encouraging. When I snap, or lose control, you’re always there to guide me back. I am eternally grateful to you for everything you’ve done. Sometimes I wish I could find person like you, but then I stop because I realize that you are that person. So I will wait until you come to this conclusion, too.
I will love you always,
A.C, age 20
My Little Storm,
I thought you were asleep when I found you. I called your name and touched your shoulder but you were already long gone. It wasn’t–and still isn’t–real to me. Your beautiful fur and yellow eyes; I thought you could have moved your head and called back to me. It hurts so much that you left me. I cried for hours. The entire night I felt you in the house and I still do now. I almost expect you to walk past me any second and ask for food with that cute little meow.
Remember two years ago when you were a kitten? I carried you home in the rain, zipped up in my sweatshirt pressed close to my chest because you were so small I was afraid I would drop you.
Remember how you stayed in my room for weeks until you were big enough to be around the dog? Any day you took him on, you left marks on him. You were my little fighter.
Remember how I would always sleep with you at night? I would put you on a pillow right next to my head so that I knew if you would move. I was afraid that you would fall off my bed and hurt yourself because you were so small.
Remember how I would take you downstairs to sleep with me whenever I would have a sleepover with friends because I didn’t want you to be lonely? And I would wrap you in a blanket because it wasn’t as warm as it was in my room.
Remember your first Christmas? All the toys you got that you always lost under my desk so I would have to run a ruler under it to get them out? But you would just lose them again anyway?
Remember the fleas you had? And how I stayed up until 1:00 AM to give you baths to wash them out and I was afraid that you would get sick because you were so cold? So I blow-dried your fur and you were too exhausted to be terrified?
Remember how scared you were when we took you to get your first set of shots? And you yowled and I held you because I loved you so dearly. And they told us they couldn’t spay you because you had a bad heart murmur and I was so scared that I cried on the way home while I held you in the car. Because you were so small.
Remember when you made my mom mad by marking your territory all over the hard woods? And I tried blaming it on the dog at first because I knew you couldn’t help it. Because I loved you and I didn’t want mom to take you to the pound. Because you were so small.
Remember when she stopped believing it was the dog? And I had to take you with me to dad’s because I didn’t want the pound to take you from me.
Remember meeting the other cats? How we showed you Dublin first because we thought that he would be the friendliest and that Rhianna would be the worst? But Dublin wasn’t and he scratched dad really bad.
Remember Rhianna? You were her best friend. Remember kitty Olympics in the morning? I think Rhi misses you. She was hiding when I found you. When you must have been waiting all day like that.
Remember how I would always call you Baby? How I used to joke that you didn’t know your own name because I always called you that?
Remember how I always vented to you about the routine of life like you could understand me? I knew you understood.
Remember all of my tears that used to get caught in your fur? How you always let me hold you and carry you around the house?
I’m sorry I wasn’t around that much because I was at school. I’m sorry that I shut you out of my room when you were older. When you weren’t so small. When you would always wake me up in the early morning. When I forgot you had a weak heart because you were so small.
I miss you, baby. I wish I could have made you understand that you were a big part of our family. I wish I was with you this morning. I wish I could have taken you with me to college. I wish I could explain to you why dad always got mad at you when you marked your territory in the doorway. I knew you didn’t know it was a bad thing to do and I’m sorry he scared you.
Thank you for being there, for being beautiful, for letting me hold you, for chasing shadows because you didn’t know they weren’t real things, for eating watermelon like a little vampire, for bothering me when I was on the computer.
I love you. I’ll never forget you.
Crystal, age 24
Dear You,
You’re gone now and you’ve been gone since last January, but everything you did for me needs to be said somewhere, even if you never read this. I’m sure you weren’t aware of everything you did for me and even though you might have forgotten me by now, somehow I wish you could know how happy I was just to see you everyday. We barely even talked, but you were the reason I didn’t completely go insane those first couple semesters of school last year.
I’m not sure if you cared about me like that or not. There were times I was 99.9 % sure you did, and there were times that I thought you didn’t. Regardless of how you felt, though, I just want you to know I thought you were a wonderful person. You were definitely one of those people that everyone loved being around and you seemed like you cared about people a lot. I’m sure people missed when you moved. I did. I still do. We were both new last year but the similarities stopped there. You were extremely talented and put yourself out there, while I stayed closed up like a box. You seemed to be doing so much with your life and that made me want to do better, too. Thank you for that.
Sometimes I would pass you in the hallways or you would look over at me in class and I would think to myself, “You need to make an effort with him.” But I didn’t. And then you moved away. I regret that every day. Thank you so much for just being the positive, beautiful person that you were, and someday I really hope I see you again. I really did love you a lot even though I’m sure it seemed like I could have cared less. I hope wherever you are and whatever you’re doing right now, you’re really happy.
Love, Me, age 17
For My Friend,
You opened up enough to share with me something that has haunted you most of your life.
It wasn’t until I walked away and thought how horrible it must have been, how it has affected you and who you are today. You opened my eyes, as in my own life I was experiencing the same situation of being bullied as an adult.
It was you who gave me the strength to confront my bully and I was able to do something about them. You saved me from a soul-destroying path. I am so sorry I didn’t hear and understand at the time.
We parted on such strange terms that I couldn’t even explain what was going on with me.
You may not hear these words now but I will be there every step of the way for you - thank you for showing me what I needed to confront. I will be forever grateful.
I love you, my wonderful friend, for your strength and for who you are. Thank you for coming into my life.
Survivor, age 43
Daddy,
I wish I could just sit down and talk to you about my faith. I know you’re not an atheist or worship Satan, but you know how much my faith means to me. I feel like every time I try to say something, you turn the other way. I know church isn’t anything significant to you and I know you think it’s a win when you don’t fall asleep during the sermon, but I just want you to be able to have the relationship I have with Christ. It’s not just a religion; I actually hate that word. It’s a relationship, my faith. I don’t want to regret not investing in you or being too scared of rejection to talk to you about Christ. I want to be able to spend eternity in heaven, with you and God. I just hope I can somehow reach out to you, because I care and love you. I pray that you can just have an open heart and an open mind.
Your daughter, age 21
Friend,
I think I am falling in love with you. This is not good.
Your friend, age 17
Dear Mom and Dad & family.
At 24 years old, I still don’t know exactly what it is I want to do with my life. You are sending me to school for the very business that has ruined our family. I have to pretend to be happy, and sometimes I am, but mostly when I am away from you. I can never seem to make you happy, I feel like a total failure. Not once have you ever said how proud of me you were, only about my brother. Not that I’m jealous of him or anything; I am proud of him, too. I just feel lost, and out of place.
I want to graduate to finally finish something for once in my life. I also wish I had a friend to confide in, even though Chris is one of the best friends I could ask for. I feel sad that my vacation is ending and we are arguing. I can never seem to fix anything, or express myself well enough for you guys to understand. Suicide has crossed my mind a few times, and I sometimes feel that my life will end in a tragic car accident. Chris and I talk about the future constantly, but inside I feel I’ll never get to live it because I’m going to die young. I’m so confused, and I feel myself being pulled in a million different directions. I need a sign to guide me through.
Your daughter, age 24
To my daddy,
Daddy, there are so many things that I wish I would’ve had the chance to say to you. I miss you so much, and even now, I can’t believe that you’re gone. There are so many things that I want to ask you and so many things that I can’t believe you did. Sometimes, I feel so guilty because I get so mad at you.Why did you leave us?
Why did you let me see you like that? I saw everything that I had ever learned from you hanging from the ceiling of my garage. I found my father hanging. After telling me that nothing was worth giving up for, you hung yourself, leaving me, just a little girl, to find you. I love you and I never expected you to do this to us.
I’m sorry. I am sorry for yelling at you. And I am sorry for everything that has happened since you left us. We love you and we can’t wait to see you up in heaven some day.
Love always,
Ally, age 20
Dear Elliot,
I wish I’d had it in me four years ago to tell you exactly how I felt about you. I don’t know if it would have made a difference but if I had maybe I wouldn’t still be thinking about you now.
It’s four years since we first met; for the last two of those we haven’t spoken, but I still think about you nearly everyday. The thought of you and all the what if’s in the back of my mind have ruined all of my relationships, and I don’t blame you for that. I blame myself for not getting over you when I should have. The thing is, because we were never together and nothing ever happened, there was always the what if’s in the back of my mind, and I always wondered what could have happened if only I’d told you how I felt.
I’m writing this to give myself closure. I’m not going to pine after you anymore, because to be perfectly honest I’m fed up of feeling sad and lonely because of you. I’m going to get over you, I’m going to find a nice guy and forget you were ever part of my life. Thank you for not replying to my email I sent in the summer; that told me all I ever needed to know and has given me the push I needed to forget about you.
No more what if’s. We were never meant to be together. I hope you feel the way I did someday and spend years pining over me so you can see how it feels.
The one you let get away, age 21
Dear Grampy,
As a young girl, I always looked forward to my prom day. Seeing all my older cousins attend their proms and then graduation ceremonies, and the look in your eyes as they did, made me enter my graduation week with such excitement. They day before prom, I couldn’t wait to see the look on your face when you saw me all done up, and to hear the two words you always said to me, and to finally believe them, “Hello, Beautiful”. When mom woke me up early on prom day and told me that you passed away, I felt my heart break for the first time. You didn’t get to see me at prom, or graduation, and now almost finishing my first year of university. Now you aren’t seeing me fall in love for the first time. I wish you could have met him; he has traits that you had. I always said that the man I fall in love with had big shoes to fill, and he has filled them. I still cry myself to sleep thinking of all the things you won’t get to see me do. The ache in my heart caused by your absence will never really go away. I love you so much, and miss you every single day.
Hoping your proud of me from up there,
Shannon, age 18 (almost 19)
Dear Boyfriend,
I made a mistake. A big mistake. I was alone for so long. I felt unwanted and unloved, but then you came along. You changed everything for me. You were the first person to love everything about me. You took me as I was and showed me I was beautiful. Ever since you came into my life, you have taught me to love myself. Around you I feel loved. You taught me that my self- conscious thoughts about my body were irrational and made me feel comfortable in my skin. You were the first that ever made love to me instead of just having sex. The first who ever wanted to just cuddle. And the first to tell me you loved me.
For all of this, I’m sorry. I lied to you. I said “I love you” when I didn’t mean it. I needed to learn to love myself first. I thank you for that, but I don’t know if I’ll ever feel the same as you. I don’t get butterflies when you look at me anymore. I have been pretending, and I don’t know how to walk away. I know I’m being selfish. I’m afraid of feeling alone and unloved again. I’m afraid that if I tell you the truth, you will leave me, and my self-conscious thoughts that consume me will be back again.
I should have told you all this before that night. The night we bummed around all day while you held me and said you loved me. It was that night that I forgot to take my birth control and you forgot to bring a condom. The night that we thought wouldn’t be a big deal. It was a big deal. I’m pregnant and you are going to find out soon. And I’m not strong enough to do this on my own. I should have told you I didn’t love you.
I’m sorry. From now on our lives will change. I will live these next years with you and our child, even though I have never loved you. But you will never know.
Sincerely,
Your Girlfriend, age 21
Dear Raleigh,
We all miss you, especially Ivan. He’s always had a crush on you, but I think you knew that. I think that’s why you never minded hanging out with someone younger than you, even if Anna and Tabby thought it was lame. Ian cries a lot now, and we do the best we can. He liked you, al ot. Me and Ron would always tease him about it, and joke with you about it, but the truth is, we never minded having you date him. He’s our best friend for a reason, and he always took good care of you.
Ron won’t admit he misses you, because I think he thinks you’re just out at the movies with your other friends, and you’ll be home soon. Even though it’s crazy, sometimes I think that way, too. It’s too hard for me and him to think about the fact that our little sister is never coming home again. Yeah, yeah, me and you are twins, but I was born first, no matter what you say. Man, I miss joking about that with you.
We can’t watch Back to the Future anymore; every single time we think of Doc and that time traveling Delorean, we’re hit with grief. What if we could make a time machine, and go back to that evening just five minutes before it happened? We didn’t press charges; the man wasn’t drunk, and the road was covered with ice. He just lost control, went over the curb, and hit you and Anna. She’s fine, though. The doctors think you saved her. I wouldn’t doubt it.
You’d be here to see your little niece and nephew. They’re Ron and Missy’s kids; yeah, those two are still together. They’re married. And you’re the one who set them up. They have a three year old little boy named Lucas. He’s adorable, and he looks just like Ron did when he was little. Then they have a little one year old girl. Her name is Abigail Raleigh, and she looks just like you.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again. I met this beautiful girl, her name’s Cathy. I love her a lot, and even though I’m happy with her, things will never be the same. You were my sister, my other half. My best friend since birth. You were always by my side, and you never let me give up. I’m not going to, either. I’m gonna have a happy life, and I’m gonna miss you with ever fiber of my being, but I’ll look forward to seeing you again, Raleigh. I know you’re up there, watching down on us. I hope you can see how much we love and miss you. Keep an eye out for Lucas, though. He’s a trouble maker, just like Ron.
I love you, sis.
Nicolai, age 24
Daddy, It’s been five months now since you passed away. I will never forget that day. People say it gets easier with time, but I think it just gets harder and harder. I miss you so much: I miss your laugh, your eyes, your phone calls. I wish I didn’t take you for granted. You were the kindest, most loving person I have ever known in my entire life. I regret fighting with you, doubting you, and not visiting you as much as I should have. I always told myself that I’ll make time for you later, I never knew you’d leave me so soon. I’ve been dealing with all this pain on my own and I feel like I’m going to break down any day now. I can’t even bring myself to go to your grave because I don’t want to face it. I’m not ready. I hope I’m making you proud, and I hope you know how much I love you. Love, Peanut aka Julianna, age 18
Dear You,
I never thought I’d see the day where I’d be able to walk away from you. We spent four years together, lived together and would have gotten married. I had my whole life planned out in front of me. But I am so much happier now than I’ve ever been in my whole life, and it’s ironic that it’s without you – without the one person I thought I was destined to be with.
I’m so mad at myself for sticking around thinking things would get better. For wasting my time. I should have known that people don’t change. As the years went on I had to beg you to simply look at me while you were talking, I had to beg to get a conversation that was meaningful. Beg for hugs, or kisses as you rolled your eyes, or looked away. I was told how many days a week I was allowed out of the house. I had a curfew; something my own parents never gave me. Even though all of this, I still cooked, cleaned, drove you to and from work everyday even when I didn’t have to be up for hours because you never owned a car or had a license. I bought you anything and everything. I took care of you like a wife would. I let you go out with whoever you wanted, as late as you wanted, with no question. I came home from work six days a week at 2 am and did dishes that overflowed out of the sink and took out garbage that fell onto the floor.
Finally one day it hit me, that I could not live like that anymore. I couldn’t stand being unappreciated. No matter how long I invested my time in our relationship. I went out one night. I got drunk. I slept with someone else. And while some people think it’s a deceitful thing to do, I’m so thankful I did. It gave me the push I needed to leave you, because I felt so guilty and I couldn’t come clean about what I did. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve stayed with you thinking things would get better, or give you your 59th “chance.” I would have been married to someone who didn’t appreciate me at all, who saw me as their personal maid and taxi.
Thank you for treating me like dirt. It’s made me stronger and I finally found someone who treats me like gold and it feels ten times better because it’s not what I’m used to at all. I smile a lot more now and I enjoy being kissed passionately without having to ask for it. I never new life could feel this good. Thank you.
Me, age 22
Happy 2012! Please take the time to watch this powerful TED Talk and remind those we love that we are there for them and that life can get better! Let’s make it our goal for 2012 to stop the bullying and accept everyone around us.