The Things You Would Have Said
Month
Cyrus,
“It’s not you, it’s me”, possibly the most clichéd line in history, but it was me. I’m sorry I ended everything. Nothing was wrong. I remember the last time I saw you thinking to myself, “This is amazing, I love him.” I remember telling myself not to forget that moment, because I’d been missing you and I didn’t know if we were right anymore. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I warned you I would. It’s just the way I work; when I’m moving, I push people away until they don’t care for me anymore, that way it doesn’t hurt so much.
But you ignored my pushing. It upset you sometimes, I know, and I’m sorry for that too. I started pushing you away before I even left. I’m so sorry. And then I pushed you away completely. That was a time where I hadn’t seen you in weeks. Missing you was like having my heart clamped. It ate at me inside, but speaking to you and seeing you just fixed me instantly. So why didn’t I wait? I would’ve seen you that next week. Why didn’t I wait? Things could have been so different. But that’s just me, I guess.
You were my best friend. I knew you for what, a month before I felt that way? I don’t even feel that close with friends I’ve known for years. I felt like I could tell you everything, but I didn’t. I told you in my head, but somehow the words just wouldn’t leave my lips. It was okay, though, because you said it . You used the exact same words sometimes, too. Now and again I wondered if you could see straight into my mind. I loved you on sight. I never believed in that. You were all I thought about after that first conversation, and I know you felt like that, too.
I looked such a mess that day! Soaking wet, covered in mud and pond weed, no make up, frizzy hair all over, in a wet suit and an over-sized hoodie. I was like that so often with you, and you still loved me. It was always a genuine thing we had. It took us so long before we even held hands. You were so nervous, and so was I. I had never had a relationship where I cared so much about the other person. We took things so slowly but my god, it was worth it. Our first kiss literally took my breath away. I didn’t know people could feel like that. It was like the whole world just disappeared.
Away from you, I felt like part of me was missing. But I thought I didn’t need you, fiercely independent as I am, I could do everything by myself. I was wrong. I did need you. I do need you. It’s been months, and I feel the same as I did that first night when I lost you completely. I cried myself to sleep and spent the evenings curled on a bench, just hiding from myself. I never cry. It broke me.
You won’t speak to me now. I can’t say I blame you. You are amazing. You don’t need me. I guess I will heal, and I’ll move on. But friendship is harder to find than love, and we had both. That won’t happen to me again.
I love you, and I’m sorry.
Jess, age 16
Click Jack’s name to see the letter his best friend wrote to him.
The mother and uncle of 6-year-old Noah Pozner delivered messages at his funeral reflecting on the life of the little boy in Friday’s school shooting, and lessons to draw from his loss. Here they are, in full:
From mother, Veronique Pozner:
The sky is crying, and the flags are at half-mast. It is a sad, sad day. But it is also your day, Noah, my little man. I will miss your forceful and purposeful little steps stomping through our house. I will miss your perpetual smile, the twinkle in your dark blue eyes, framed by eyelashes that would be the envy of any lady in this room.
Most of all, I will miss your visions of your future. You wanted to be a doctor, a soldier, a taco factory manager. It was your favorite food, and no doubt you wanted to ensure that the world kept producing tacos.
You were a little boy whose life force had all the gravitational pull of a celestial body. You were light and love, mischief and pranks. You adored your family with every fiber of your 6-year-old being. We are all of us elevated in our humanity by having known you. A little maverick, who didn’t always want to do his schoolwork or clean up his toys, when practicing his ninja moves or Super Mario on the Wii seemed far more important.
Noah, you will not pass through this way again. I can only believe that you were planted on Earth to bloom in heaven. Take flight, my boy. Soar. You now have the wings you always wanted. Go to that peaceful valley that we will all one day come to know. I will join you someday. Not today. I still have lots of mommy love to give to Danielle, Michael, Sophia and Arielle.
Until then, your melody will linger in our hearts forever. Momma loves you, little man.
———————————————
A message read at the funeral of 6-year-old Noah Pozner by his uncle Alexis Haller, of Woodinville, Wash.:
On Friday, Dec. 14, we tragically lost a most beloved member of our family. Noah was a 6-year-old little boy, and he was so dear to all of our hearts.
Words cannot express the unfathomable loss we feel.
Noah was a wonderful son and a loving brother. He was kind, caring, smart, funny, and sometimes even a little mischievous. He liked to tell his sisters that he worked in a taco factory; when they asked him how he got to work, he would give them a funny look as if to say he knew something that they didn’t.
Noah was a little kid. He loved animals, video games and Mario Brothers. He was already a very good reader, and had just bought a Ninjago book at a book fair that he was really excited about reading. He was also very excited about going to a birthday party he had been invited to. It was to take place on Saturday, Dec. 15.
Noah loved his family dearly, especially his mom, his dad, his big sisters Danielle and Sophia, his big brother Michael, and his dear twin Arielle. He called Arielle his best friend, and she was — and always had been.
If Noah had not been taken from us, he would have become a great man. He would been a wonderful husband and a loving father. He would have been a backbone of our family for years to come. His loss, and our loss, are deep indeed.
It is unspeakably tragic that none of us can bring Noah back. We would go to the ends of the Earth to do so, but none of us can.
What we can do is carry Noah within us, always. We can remember the joy he brought to us. We can hold his memory close to our hearts. We can treasure him forever. And all of us, including the family, the community, the country and the world, can honor Noah by loving each other and taking care of each other. That’s what Noah would have wanted.
Noah, we love you so much, we miss you dearly, and we will never, ever forget you.
-AP
It has been incredibly hard the last few days to think about anything other than Sandy Hook Elementary and the town of Newtown. Especially as the funerals begin to take place, my heart is heavy for the families of the sweet children and heroic teachers that we lost.
I’d like to extend the invitation for all of you to write a note to Connecticut. Perhaps you want to write to one of the victims, to the families, the first responders or to the town of Newtown as a whole. I think we are all deeply affected by what has occurred and it’s important for everyone to talk about what we’re feeling, send a prayer, and continue to hold their community in our hearts.
If you decide to send the notes to The Things You Would Have Said, I will post the them as they come in. It’d be great if you provided your first name and city/state, but notes can remain anonymous if you make the request. Please send your note via wouldhavesaid.com, or to wouldhavesaid@gmail.com.
Thank you in advance for your help. Let’s show Newtown how much the world loves them.
Dear Dad,
It’s only recently that I realized that I am ready to finally give up on you. After 19 years, I wonder if you’ll ever get it together. I’ve watched every day as you slowly kill yourself with constant work, drinking, and smoking. Mom always tried to get you to take better care of yourself, but instead every day you drink more and smoke more and push us away and it hurts her everyday.
After you’re third DUI and you went to jail for the whole summer and mom bought me that dog I thought things would have changed. They did when you quit drinking for a while, but not for the better. You just got angrier and angrier and pushed us away even more.
I’m sorry that my brother and sister only wanted things from you like money and stuff instead of wanting to spend time with you. I’m sorry that because of them, spending time with me was a chore. You used to buy me things and I liked that, but when I got older and needed someone to help me figure things out and teach me how to be a man, you weren’t there. You were always working or passed out so I had to learn on my own and figure out who I am.
I’m sorry that none of us can rely on you when all we want is the best for you.
I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough. When you told me you were moving out I was so mad at mom for a long time. I’m sorry for being mad at her for trying to keep our family together. I’m sorry I’ve given up on you, but you had nineteen years to try and take an interest in my life and you haven’t. I will always be here if you ever decide to change, I sincerely hope you do. You can only disappoint someone for so long, though. I will always be here for you, dad.
Sincerely,
Tired of disappointment, age 19
Dear Cameron,
If I could, I would apologize. I’m sorry to have ever imagined that I could ever have been in a relationship at a time of my life filled with chaos and confusion. I’m sorry I expected you to validate me and be my purpose for living. I should have never been so foolish to believe any human being could supply those kinds of feelings. I’m sorry I believed that a relationship when you were just the tender age of 16 and I was only 18 could ever be successful; our lives were moving in completely different directions. I’m sorry I if I ever made you feel like you were not good enough or as if you weren’t able to do anything right. I’m sorry for putting a strain on the relationship you had with your parents. That might be what I’m most sorry for.
I wish I could say these things but I cannot. I hear of how you are now. I hear that you are arrogant and unpleasant, I hear you take advantage of people and use girls, I hear that you believe you are superior to others and have a sense of entitlement. That is not the person I remember. Who you have become scares me and I pray with everything inside of me that I did not do that to you. I hope that you are able to take something from our relationship that has allowed you to learn and given you the chance to be better and not bitter. I hope you follow your dreams and appreciate all of the opportunities you have been given and all of the people in your life. I hope you continue on with your education and use your full potential to make a difference. Most of all, I hope one day when we have both matured and found peace, we might see each other again and be able to exchange stories of happiness and laughter.
I do not hate you, never have and never will. If I could, I would tell you to shine bright, soar high, and share all the love inside your heart.
Anna, age 20
Dear Big Brother,
We were always so close. You would take me to movies, to play pool, hang out with your friends, or just to go for a drive. You always knew how to cheer me up when I was in a bad mood and I always looked forward to spending time with you.
You were my best friend.
What happened?
You met her. She hated me from day one for no particular reason. She has always been jealous of how close we were. I never understood why; it’s not like I wanted to steal you from her. All I ever wanted to do was like her and be liked in return. I wanted to stay a part of your life and to become a part of hers. If you wanted her in your life then I wanted to make an effort to have her in mine, too. But she wouldn’t have it.
I don’t know how or why, but she turned you against us. Me, Mom, Dad and I have never done anything to hurt you, yet you choose her over us. She’s a lying, manipulative beast. From the moment you met her, she has done nothing but try to seclude you from your family and after ten years, she has succeeded. I know that you’re well aware of her actions, you know what kind of person she is, but what I don’t know is why you stay? Are you afraid? Are you lazy? Or, what I’M most of afraid of, have you become just like her?
I have tried talking to you so many times. You rarely say anything back and when you do, it’s so unfriendly that I don’t even know if I should say anything back. And the other times, she responds and it’s never pleasant. If I text you to say I miss you, I get harassed by her for weeks on end. She has physically, mentally and emotionally abused your little sister for ten years and you don’t even act like you care. Maybe because you really don’t? I don’t know, but I would like to know.
She has torn our family apart, torn US apart. You don’t even seem to care. Your nephews hardly even know who you are, which at this point, is probably best because I don’t even know who you are anymore. All I ever wanted was to keep you as my best friend. I don’t understand why this happened.
I miss you so much, my big brother. You mean the world to me.
Love ALWAYS,
your little sister,
S, age 25
Dear T.V.,
Sometimes I look back on how we met and I find myself convinced that it was fate. The only reason why I had decided to go out that night was because I had wanted to see a certain boy. My friend had told me all about you but I didn’t really care. I mean, I didn’t know you so how invested or excited could I be about our potential meeting? When I saw you walking up the sidewalk, I didn’t find myself enthralled. On the contrary. I was so impatient. I wanted you and my friend to finish eating so that we could go out and meet up with that guy. On the walk there, I was standing beside you and I shifted positions so that I was on my friend’s side. I don’t know why I did it. It was such a small thing but you noticed it. When you made a comment about it, I knew that you were different. It’s so stupid how the smallest of things could make me feel like you were worth getting to know. Later on, after we had exchanged jokes and laughter and set the foundation for what would become “our” camaraderie, the three of us drove around searching for beautiful views of the city. We talked. And I discovered that your heart was broken. Shattered into a million pieces. Even then I could tell that you were a fragmented version of yourself.
So much has happened since that night, too much to account for in this letter.
But I will share a couple of moments: the first is the night that we played cream hockey and really hugged. You had been telling me how you disliked hugs because you weren’t sure when they were supposed to end. They made you feel awkward and unsure. Later that night, we hugged and it lasted for a couple of minutes and I remember feeling like you were home. You felt like home every time after that. But that first night was the most terrifying experience because I took this long drive home and I kept thinking, “Wow… You’ve got to marry the person you can play cream hockey with.”
The second moment occurred at a party. You were so drunk and I was lying on the grass. You didn’t want to lie down so you just walked around and I leaned up on my elbows and watched you. I wanted to make sure that you didn’t fall over or hurt yourself or whatever. And as I watched you, I was struck by the realization that I was in love with you. And this revelation was ridiculous because there was nothing special about that moment. It was completely and totally ordinary. And yet it was transformed by the wave of emotions that coursed through my veins, the same wave that I feel now.
The thing is, we’re great friends. No. I don’t want to say that because I don’t really believe it. We’re not friends and we’re not lovers. We’re in that place that’s in between, the place that doesn’t have a name, the place that is so damn uncomfortable because it can’t decide what it is.
I feel so much for you. More than I have ever felt in my 25 years of existence. And you, you don’t really feel the same way. Or you do but you don’t want to because you’re still holding on to the pieces of your broken heart or (if I’m being completely honest) you just don’t want to be with me.
That is the hardest thing for me to deal with. The realization that despite everything between us, you don’t want to be with me. You try to deny that there’s something there between us but you’re only fooling yourself. What we have is something real and true and significant.
I keep thinking that I should just move out of the place that the three of us moved into together. I should move out and move on. But I’ve never excelled at doing what I should.
I want to be with you. I should have said that before when talking about our feelings wasn’t awkward. I should have said that even though I was terrified as all hell, I was willing to try it out. I was willing to make the jump. But I didn’t. And now I’m two doors away from you and it feels like miles. Endless miles. What is the tagline of that Somerset Maugham movie?
Oh yes…
“Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people.”
The sad thing is that I am quite sure that even though we have seven months left together, we will not make the journey. At the end of this, we won’t even be looking at each other. We’ll be looking past.
Love (Yes, love),
Rae, age 25