The Things You Would Have Said

Dear James,

I just started talking to you again, after so long, and it’s happening again. I gave myself a year, detached my emotions from you, saw how messed up you really are. You went through a pathetic phase where I thought I was definitely over you. But god, when you are sane, it’s so hard not to love you.

You broke my heart last fall. You are the love of my life, and I just can’t seem to get over you like everyone else. I have a new boyfriend, and he’s wonderful. He’s very smart and sweet, and he always puts me first. But you just have to come along and ruin it all. I hate your blue eyes and aristocratic nose and square jaw.

I love your new girlfriend, even of you’re just using her for her body. I know you love me, probably not romantically anymore, but I am still so in love with you. It’s just been dormant.

If I could have another day with you, another week, I would cherish it forever. But we weren’t meant to be. We will never be together. You know, it seems pathetic, but when I was heartbroken last year, I made a realization that imagination is worth just as much as reality. Imagination can make you just as happy.

I love your craziness, I loved that night on the boat, I love your sense of adventure, I love our memories. I guess it’s true that girls always fall for the bad guys. You make me miserable but I love it.

Sincerely,
Michelle, age 29

Dear Self,

I’d found this site called “wouldhavesaid”, where you post letters to people and shit. I was thinking about writing one to someone else, but thought that it would be more sensible and effective if I wrote one to myself.

Let me start by telling you how sorry I am for not trying harder to give you the best life possible in your younger years. I was a child. I wasn’t smart like that then. Whenever issues came about, I would “take them all in stride”, but that’s not always the best course-of-action. I’m sorry for making your early days, your childhood, shit. I mean, it wasn’t that bad. We had some fun times, that’s for sure. And I made damn sure that you stayed the course for development, and that your identity would be a product of your own invention.

I’m sorry that I let you mess with some lost girl in grade school. I’m sorry that I didn’t stand up to people as much as I’d have liked to. I’m sorry for not standing up for you more when the teachers would paint you out to be some sort of psycho. A 10-year-old kid, a psycho – go figure. I’m sorry for letting them hop you up on all of those meds – though we both know that we weren’t planning on taking them for long. I’m sorry that you were raised by people who don’t love you, but are hell-bent on trying to make you believe that they do. I’m sorry you spent a lot of your years in Port Charlotte. I’m sorry that I put you in unsavory situations under the pretence that they’d be the opposite – both Job Corps and New York – you know what I’m talking about.

Basically, I’m sorry for the first years of your life.

But since 2009, and especially since this year’s been kicking off, I’ve made a decision to make it up to you. How, you ask? Simple. I’m going to see how far I can take our life – break its limits, and then totally ignore them. I’m going to be limitless. Your true potential will be recognized. And though over the years I’d always point out your flaws, I’ve now decided to point out your most marvelous and positive traits. I’ve realized that I have plenty to be thankful for – so much, that it puts my first-world complaints to shame. I’m thankful that this body has all four limbs. I’m grateful that this brain is wise way beyond its years. And you, Self. I’m thankful that you’re so strong, and that you were resilient as hell during your teenage years. Your patience, your self-control, your fearlessness. You’re not flawed. You’re perfect – in every sense of the word. You here that, Self?

I know that, originally, I was going to write a letter to Susanna, but it wouldn’t have made any sense. She’s just a friend, and you know that. We don’t know what she looks like (not that it matters too much), nor we do even know who she really is in real-life. I know you’re longing for companionship, but at the same time, I feel that you’re getting used to it as well. You remember what we told Kai yesterday, right? We said that we’re pretty much ‘forever-alone’. We’ve never let society dictate how we do before, why start now? Why let this notion that love equals happiness trick us into depression? It’s not worth it.

Trust me. I’m going to make this up to you. I’m only 20 – that means that there are heaps of years left to us to do what we want! We’re going to travel, break records, get sponsors, connect, and change the world. We’re going to become a living legend, you and I.

No adjective can dictate the scale of the level of gratitude that I have for you. Really. I’m just thankful that you are you – weirdness and all. Thank you for getting me through the last twenty years. Let me repay you by carrying the weight for the next two decades, okay?

Thanks Again. I Love You.
- Your Pal, Declan, age 21

                Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody.
                                      -Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Dear Granddad, 

It really hurts me to see you suffer. Though you try to fight it, I still pray you will get cured. Maybe it’s not very likely to get completely cured, but we still pray and hope. Sometimes I get teary when I think about you and Nana in Texas when I barely get to see you. You inspire me to just keep trying. Even when I write this, I begin to cry, but I try to stay brave just like you. 

Maddie, age 10

Dear F.B.

What happened to us? It is amazing to think that all that was our friendship simply disappeared without warning; and without so much as an attempt at a fight to hold on to it. It is fairly clear to see that we are simply too much alike, you and I. Each too afraid to show or say a true emotion because of how much pain they have caused us in the past. It is funny to think that we both likely feel that it was the other who abandoned this ship so easily. We both probably think it is the pride and stubbornness of the other that kept them from picking up the phone and no doubt that is how it began for us both. Now though, after years, it is the fear of admitting to someone else that they matter that much. So we have done our best to convince ourselves that they actually don’t.

The saddest thing I suppose is simply that after so many years it has probably become true, we don’t actually matter to each other anymore, and that is indeed sad. Because once this was not so. No matter how much we wish to say otherwise; no matter how much we tell ourselves that it wasn’t so, there was a time when we did indeed love each other, when we did matter very much to one another. Neither of us likely knows how this happened, especially since we have both trained ourselves so well to feel so little. Perhaps that is why. Perhaps we both know that we were both so afraid of letting anyone in that we could not help but be connected. Either way, it was likely doomed, love or no, from the beginning. People like us just cannot overcome the fear, the fear of someone truly knowing us, of someone truly being able to hurt us.

But even still we could not bring ourselves to leave each other completely. Instead we danced around each other like fools and cowards for years, neither ever gaining the courage to take that step, to run that risk, to say the truth. And then the rings of our dance grew wider and wider, each pulling farther and farther away from the fear and from the possibility of truth. Then all it took was a slight nudge, a series of unfortunate events, and it was over. We had stood atop our walls looking, watching each other for years, and finally we cut and ran, hiding behind the massive bulwarks that had kept us save for so many years, against so many things. And now here we are, over four years later. Strangers to each other, having spoken not a single word since, not even trying. Despite this, still all too often on each other’s minds.

So I wonder, what has happened to us, my friend? I expect no answer. I only felt compelled to ask, to wonder. How could we have let it go this far? Such complete fools we are. We threw away a friendship, which had once been more, simply because we are both complete fools. Nevertheless, I wanted to at the very least end this in a more deserving manner.

I hope life becomes everything you had always dreamed. I hope that you are well and happy. I hope you get that big house with three kids, a girl and two boys, if I remember correctly. Most importantly, I hope that you achieve your full potential and never settle for less than you deserve. This is all that I ever wanted for you. This is all that I ever tried to encourage you towards, and I apologize if it ever seemed otherwise. I apologize if you ever thought I was not being supportive or demanded too much of you. I only know how much you are capable of; how much you can achieve if you only rise to the challenge, despite the great fear of failure. You once called me an honorable and noble man, so take this at my word that I bear no malice or hard feelings and only wish for you all the best.

I doubt that we will ever see or speak to each other again, so above all else I hope that the memories of our adventures are more good than bad, and I hope you have many more grand memories and adventures to come, only with new faces and in different places. Ultimately, all that is left to be said of us is that there was once a time when we were friends but that time has passed, as all must.

Goodbye,
B.B., age 23

Big Brother, 

Words can’t describe the feelings I have at the loss of you. You were my big brother and my hero. Not only my hero, but a hero to the United States as a Sergeant in the US Army. The last time I saw you was Easter day with your new girlfriend from New York. I didn’t realize or see all the pain you had built up. I couldn’t understand how someone like you could be so troubled. I am sorry I was not there for you when you needed me most.

I want you to know that I love you and that I am going to miss you for the rest of my life. I want you to know that you were loved by many and that many are missing you right now. What I am struggling with right now, is knowing that you were in so much pain and I couldn’t do anything to help you. You hid it well, and the reason being was you wanted everyone else happy before yourself. You loved everyone, and I hope you could see everyone loved you back. I can’t understand all of the problems you had, and I never will. I can’t walk in your shoes.

No one will ever replace you; there will always be a hole in my life that will never be filled. I recently met many of your friends from the military, and I am relieved to know that you were in good hands for the last six years. Spending time with your brothers, hearing stories, learning about the person you were has left me assured you were happy in their hands. They too are as puzzled and confused at the loss of you. We will never know if we could have been there more for you and that is what is bothering us the most. I haven’t talked to anybody about this since your passing, and I don’t think I ever will. I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know I’m going to miss you. I am unsure how my life will continue to play out from here, but rest easy knowing that I will always be thinking about you and trying to make you proud.

This doesn’t describe a fraction of the thoughts I have right now, but at least I can let you know how I feel, brother. You are loved, and always will be. I know you will be waiting in Fiddler’s Green, maybe I will meet you there. Until then keep telling stories and keep an eye out for me and the rest of your brothers and sisters. Take care of mom and dad, they need you, too. I love you.

Your Brother,
HD, age 21

Dear Emily,

I’m sorry things had to end the way that they did. I’m sorry that I couldn’t control my temper, and I made you feel like such a piece of shit these last couple of months. Thing is, my unconditional anger was just my pathetic way of masking my true feelings. Truth is, I’m still madly in love with you, and have been this whole time. I know, you cheated on me and it completely ruined us, but deep down, my love for you never died. And I don’t think it’s ever going to die. Because you’re essentially everything I’ve ever wanted in a girl. You’re beautiful, talented, smart, funny, genuine, and easy-going. I just wish I realized sooner that I was letting go of the most amazing woman I’ve ever known.

But it’s too late now, I’m totally aware of this. I’ve driven you away with my bitterness. It wasn’t right of me to try and get you back after pushing you away so persistently. Honestly, it was always my plan to try and get you back this summer. It was selfish of me to keep it from you; maybe if I had told you my intentions earlier, it would’ve worked. But I waited too long, and now you’re over me. It saddens me greatly. I’m incredibly upset over all of this. To think that you’ve already gotten over me, when I’m still crying over our break-up, makes me feel like a pathetic little girl. You have to realize, though, that I ultimately just want us both to be happy. The distance killed both of us, and it’s going to kill both of us again after this summer. I know now that a summer fling is unrealistic, there’s just too much emotional history between us at this point.

I just want you to know that I will always cherish what we once had. You were my first love, my first lover, my first (and only) long-distance relationship; you were my first everything. I just hope that you always remember me as the caring boyfriend that I was, not the resentful ex-boyfriend that I’ve become. I really hope you realize that my anger towards you is just reflective of the fact that you deny my love. If you won’t let me love you, then naturally, my hate for you is going to come out. But I don’t hate you; I care about you more than any other girl I’ve ever been involved with. I hope you find what you want, and stay away from assholes. I really think you’ll look back on me in ten years, after being in love ten times, and realize that I was the best you ever had. I was the most caring, the most genuine, and the most sincere. Then, and only then, will we be together again.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever find love like this again. Not because I won’t find somebody, but because I’m truly afraid to find someone. I’m afraid to open up as wholly as I did for you, because it ended it such tragedy. My first love ruined love for me altogether. And it sucks, because I’m just such a hopeless romantic. If I don’t have the capacity to love, then what the hell can I do? I guess I’ll just float on for now, and wander about my life of confusion and discontent. Maybe one day I can be as happy as I was when you were in my arms.

With unconditional love,

Dylan, age 18

Dear Dad,

Today marks the one year anniversary of your death, and although it has been 23+ years since I last had contact with you, it’s still hard to grasp that you’re no longer here. I’ve spent most of my life referring to you as my “biological father” because for me, that’s all you ever were. For some reason, the day I found out you died, I started referring to you as my dad (a title you don’t deserve). I am sad that I will never have the opportunity to ever talk to you or ask you any of the questions that at one time plagued my mind. I just never understood why you never tried contacting me or my brothers, or why you did the things you did. Though I already know some the answers to my questions, I just wanted, needed, to hear it from you. 

I honestly can’t say whether or not I would’ve ever contacted you, but at least I knew I had the option/choice. It was difficult going to your memorial service and hearing your family say how much you loved me and my brothers, because that’s something I’ve always wondered about. I just wish it had came from you. But what was even more difficult than that was learning you had a 19 year old son with another woman and that you chose to be a part of his life. Which I guess I should be okay with because at least you had a relationship with one of your children. A part of me wonders if you were trying not to make the same mistakes with him that you did with me and my brothers, and if so, then I commend you for trying. 

I know everything happens for a reason, and though you weren’t around for the better part of my life, I will still miss you and all the “what if’s” that could’ve been.

Goodbye.

The Daughter You Never Knew, age 32

To my Soulmate,

There was a time that I believed you were my soulmate. The man that would stand by my side through life. The man that would fix me. There was so much wrong with me. The insecurities, no self-esteem, no self-worth, jealous, a liar. All of these nasty traits and characteristics where the cause of all of our problems. Because I was searching for the answers in you. You were my strong man. The honest headstrong man that fixed everything…but me. I resented you for that. In my resentment I treated you poorly. I saw you doing so much for yourself and for others, and I believed you were doing nothing for me. But in reality, you were doing all you could. Loving me in your own way. I never saw that love. I never felt it. I was so consumed by my demons that I couldn’t see. I couldn’t feel. You gave yourself to me, mind, body and soul. I gave you my body; I thought I was giving you my mind and soul. I wasn’t. I was hiding it deep inside the dark corners of my being. Waiting for them to be found by the man I love. I was selfish believing it was your position in our relationship to find them, to fix me. This selfishness destroyed our lives. Financially, emotionally and physically.

But here is the tricky part. In a very twisted way, it was you that saved me. Your courage to be who you truly are is what saved me. It gave me no choice but to go searching within my darkest corners for myself. Because of this, you are my soulmate. A soulmate isn’t an individual that you will be married to till death calls you home. For me, my soulmate, is the person who helped me become the person I was always meant to be. The person I always was, but was so lost under all the clutter of it that I didn’t know I was.

I believe that no two individuals are destined to be soulmates. It can be one person for another but not for each other. You were my soulmate. I will love you eternally for your role in my life. As the father of our amazing children, and as the man that helped me get right. Now it is your turn to find yours. To find that person that will support you in becoming the person you’ve always been and the person you are meant to be. You may have found it here already. Only time will tell. I pray that you do. That you can feel what I feel within myself. Words cannot describe this feeling inside of me. It’s bright and it’s clean and it’s forever growing. 

I’ll end this like this. May love and humbleness fill your life for the rest of your days. May you find what you always wanted from me, with someone who can appreciate and return all that you have to offer.

Thank you for the memories I hold in my heart.

J, age 30

Grandma,

I know you are up there watching me grow up. Every year for my birthday, which is the first day of spring—March 21^st—I always ask to have a beautiful day. And almost every year, I get exactly what I ask for. It’s been 13 years since I’ve last sat with you in our family room. We were watching Unsolved Mysteries. I miss you so much.

I’ve grown up ever since you’ve died. I took care of myself, basically, along with my sisters. I wish you were here. You would be so proud of me. Actually, I know you are proud of me. I see you in everything, think of you daily. Not a day goes by that something doesn’t remind me of you. Come to me in my dreams, it’s been a while. Bring Grandpa, please. I would love for him to see me all grown up. I love you two so much.

Bri, age 21

Dre, 

At 22, you met me. I had just gotten out of a Domestic Violence shelter. I was broken and alone with a baby. My life was full of so much pain. A helping hand is hard to find in this day and age; I guess I was lucky. Maybe it was fate, I don’t know, but it was something. You never asked me for anything, you just offered. You were a true friend. You helped me heal. You listened to what I had to say, you helped me learn how to trust again, and most of all you showed me that love doesn’t hurt, it helps you become a stronger and a better person.

Sometimes I think of how much you sacrificed for us. You were only 22 years old and you became a father to a child who had none, and were there unconditionally to offer support and advice. You are truly an amazing person. I feel like sometimes maybe people go through hell to get to heaven. You are my heaven. For the past five years, I have been your wife, and you have given me two daughters. Everything you do, you put us first. I love listening to your heart beat when you’re laying in bed, I love when you smile, and when you hurt, I hurt. Thank you. Thank you for it all.

BB, age 26

To you,
   
I wanted to say so much to you during our last conversation. I booked the ticket because I wanted to spend time with you. I wanted to see you and tell you how much I’ve missed you. I still love you. I wanted to tell you that people come and go, but no one is you. I always think about you. You are apart of my thought process. You always have been. I am sorry about the way our relationship ended. I am sorry that I was so selfish with you. For all the hurt you felt from us/me, I am truly sorry. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t.

I can only make up for it. That is what I really want to do. I want to do all the things we talked about and I want to do them together. Still. I want us to be what we once were and more. I still love you. I know you are with someone and I wish you the best. Honestly, I do. You deserve great things. You are, by far, the best person I’ve ever met. I want you to know that if you ever feel like you miss me or want to give us another chance, I am always going to be willing, forever. It is really important to me that you know that. I’m always going to be willing because I know that no matter what I am doing or who I am with, I’m always going to love you more. I am never going to have what we had, with anyone else. That I can assure you.

Distance would never be the reason why we wouldn’t work out. Wherever you are is where I’d be. I promise you that. I do not want to cause you any headaches or disrupt your life. I honestly don’t. I want you to be happy. I promise that I will never contact you again after this. I just wanted you to know that I am always going to be willing to give us another chance. You were my best friend. You were my person. Honestly, I just want to be with you.            

Dani, age 28

Gramma,

I miss you so much. I don’t think my life could be more chaotic right now. Momma left her good boyfriend to go back to the one that made her treat me bad. Going two weeks without seeing your mother isn’t fun. And I know you would do something about it. And all this damn family fighting. You’re probably glaring at us all from heaven. I wish I had the power you did over them. Then maybe we’d actually like each other. I have an amazing boyfriend now, too. James. You’d love him, probably just because he makes me happier than anything ever would. I just wanted to tell you I miss you, I need you, and I’ll see you in a few decades.

Much love,

Your Gem, age 17

Dear World,

I love you. I do not know the last time I said that to someone. I have been hurt so many times that I have tried to eradicate love from my life. I thought that if I pretended love did not exist, that I would never get hurt again. You tell me that I am a freak for not knowing love, that I am just looking for attention. You always look so happy, but I tell myself that you are living a lie. I am the one living a lie.

I know that I love my family and a few close friends, but I do not feel it. I feel nothing inside. I plaster a smile on my face so you do not ask questions, but I am screaming inside. I am not angry. I am not sad. I am not happy. I am nothing. It is impossible for me to feel anything. 

I want to feel the warm sensation in my heart that everyone else feels. I want to tell my mom and dad that I love them. I want to tell my siblings that although I fight with them, I cherish them. I want to tell my niece and nephew I helped raise that I cannot envision my life without them. I want to tell my best friend that she saved my life. I want to tell you what I know, but I do not feel it. I want to know what love is. I want to be loved. I want to feel something, anything.

Claire, age 19

Haylie,

You’ve been the most influential person in my entire life and I’ve only known you a little over a year now.

We started on a rocky road, then began our beautiful relationship. In your words, it was a loving relationship. We were swimming in love; it was everywhere we went. Then seven months later, it all crashed and burned because of my sudden bout of jealousy. It’s been four months since we broke up and I’ve never been the same since. I may be living my life, but it will always be missing a piece. I never lost my love for you, not one bit.

So here we are. Two single people, once in love, now just being good friends. I ought to be grateful for the fact that you’ve kept me in your life, but for some reason it’s not enough. Am I going mad or is this overwhelming feel of love and adoration a sign of things to come? I wish I knew what would be coming. I need a sign.

Your loyal ex, age 26

Dear Dad, 

I know that I don’t get to see you. I miss the times that we had together, like playing baseball and you picking me up from school, then eating ice cream on the couch watching TV.  On our birthdays, you always took us somewhere. I miss those days that you spent time with us. I wish I could see you in jail, but can’t until about 26 years when you get out. I miss you very much. 

Trustin, age 10

Dear boy who stole my heart,

How am I supposed to tell my girlfriend I have fallen for another person? How am I supposed to say that my heart is no longer hers? How am I supposed to tear her into pieces? How I am supposed to let her know that I will no longer be in her arms at night? Tell me please, I don’t know what to do. But I do know that you and I, we are supposed to be here, with each other right now.

TK, age 17

Dear Mom & Dad,

It’s time to start letting go. I am eighteen and I have the opportunity to start experiencing life. I understand that you are worried about all of the typical parent fears like drug use, sleeping around, changing religious views, and changing morals; however, I have been a good kid for eighteen years and I have never acted out drastically like some teens. I have always been honest with you. That isn’t going to change. I just need you to stop holding me so close because it makes me want to go further away and, now that I am legally an adult, I can.

Instead of abusing your involvement in my life (because I’m still living with you until school is over), you should take this opportunity to slowly let go of your overprotective tendencies. Instead of “laying down the law”, try gently helping to guide my decisions in a positive direction while letting me make them by myself. I am devout in being myself, and nothing any of my peers can say will change that.

Life is made up of experiences and until I have some of my own, I will never have truly lived. You need to trust that I love and respect you both and I will never try to disappoint you.

Much love,

T, age 18

Dear John,

Sometimes I wonder what you though of me, besides the obvious. Did you ever think about whether I’d ever get out of the oldest profession? Would you care if I told you I enjoy graphic novels and hate Chex Mix? Did you laugh at me? And then I catch myself, because it doesn’t matter. I also wonder if you would care if you knew how selling my body to you hurt me physically, emotionally and spiritually. I’m sure you know. We all watch SVU.

The truth is I think about you a lot more than you think about me. At this point I’m an anecdote at the most. But I can’t get you out of my head. I’m married now, and you get in the way. Sometimes if my husband touches me the wrong way I start to cry. Some of you were nice enough, downright congenial even. Some of you weren’t.

I hate that I can’t behave normally. I’m skittish and isolative. I can’t think normally. I think like a pervert sometimes. It’s contagious. You and your friends came to me with the parts of yourself you couldn’t show your wives. As a woman, I wish I didn’t know the things I know about men and their desires. I wish I hadn’t become so accustomed to that maniacal, predatory way you looked at me–the way Kevin Spacey looks at the teenager in American Beauty.

I want you to know that your hobby hurts me, and girls like me. I really want to believe that you don’t know how much it hurts, so I’m telling you that it does. Is sex really that important? I served you for three years and I still don’t understand why you need it so badly that you pay for it and further the market that makes us broken. I know I did it willingly but my rage needs to go somewhere so it’s going to you. Just stop it! We act like we’re okay with it but we’re not. Maybe you’re a sex addict. I am, now. No one can go through that and not have a warped sex life. Get help.

Men like you still slow down for me sometimes, no matter what I’m wearing, even with a ring on my finger. It’s like a martini walking down the street following an alcoholic. One followed me down my street the other day. My street that I live on, where my new life is. It was such an invasion. He had this stupid grin on his face. I wanted to scream, “IT’S NOT A GAME!”

So in short, what was on your end just an hour encounter, is haunting me, and I wish you didn’t exist.

And tell your wife I’m sorry. If my husband did what you do, Lord help him. 

-“Eryn”