The Things You Would Have Said

Dear M,

Whenever we speak, we go around in circles. In the end it all ends up the same way it always has and we both just feel pain. I always say I have said everything I have needed to, but it’s never the case; I always hold back because the truth is, I worry I will hurt you too much by being brutally honest.

I wish I could tell you to stop being a victim.

I wish I could shake you and tell you to be responsible for yourself and your behavior and your actions and stop blaming the world for what has gone wrong in your life and what will continue to until you take control of it and yourself and admit to your part in all of it.

I wish I could stop blaming everyone else for what has gone wrong in your life and hold you responsible for your actions and behavior and accept what has happened between us.

Some days I really hate you, I hate your depression and your addiction and the fact that you chose them over us.

And I hate that I don’t really know how you are feeling and what you are going through and how to help you. I feel selfish that I feel better when I don’t think about you.

I feel bad when I enjoy myself and forget about you. I don’t know how to be your friend. There are too many things unsaid and unresolved to just move on as friends and it never seems to work when we try because of it.

I wish I could cut you out of my life until I feel better.

I hate that I’m still defending you to people I love and love me and you never defended me in the first place.

Not when I was the only one helping you or looking after you, nor before. 

I just want to accept the past for what it is and let go.

I want to stop making excuses for you and for me too and I want to hold you responsible forwhat went wrong even as much as I do myself, despite of your struggles.

I hope you can make peace with your past and focus on the present, I hope you find your happy
place and I’m sorry I couldn’t take you there.

“If you tell a truth it becomes a part of your past, if you tell a lie it becomes a part of your future.” 

This is what you never understood.

And that is ultimately why things fell apart, and it’s not to say you weren’t suffering or still aren’t, but there comes a point in everyone’s life when you need to decide when enough is enough, when you can no longer try for someone else when they don’t try for themselves.

But I’ll never say all this to you, because even with the distance between us now I would never desert you and all you would have to do was ask and I would be there to get you through anything you needed, even when you don’t deserve it, because that’s how love is.

Hopefully one day that love will be a healthy love of a dear old friend and the past will just be the past and the future is bright for both of us in our chosen lives.

I wish you nothing but good things, and for me too,

J x, age 29

Dear Jackson,

I don’t know if you knew this, but I was in love with you for so long, maybe five years or so. And recently, I have died watching you being enamored in her. I guess it fits; you are the painter.

You showed me the world in ways I hadn’t seen before. I had been a creature of the dark for so long and you showed me that the daylight was as beautiful as anything in the dark. You taught me a lot, even though you won’t believe that.

I had started to hope that you had felt the same for me after all the nights we spent talking, but I guess not. And maybe I was keeping you from something or someone you wanted that would make you happy. 

The rumour mill is dreadful, but I’ve heard about you and her. And I know you feel what I felt for her, so go get her. You deserve each other, because I want you to be happy, and I want her to be happy.

Maybe it’s true, if you love something let it go. And I’m letting you go now, and besides you did keep your promise too. You did let me go, you set me free, now I’m returning the favour.

I love you, but you’re not mine.
Amber, age 16

Dear Ry,

Not a day goes by that I don’t replay the last night I had with you here on this earth. I am haunted by the events that went on before you left us, what if we hadn’t done all the things we did that life changing night, would you still here today? What if I had stayed on the phone and comforted you more? What if I had known that while you cried on the phone to me that that would be the last time I would ever hear your voice? What if I thought twice of how many sleeping pills you took? Could I of stopped your fate? What if I had stayed over and slept next to you, like I always did, would I of known that something was deeply wrong? All of these questions are ones I can never answer now…but I’m haunted by the fact that you were by my side for 2 years and I was so blind to your pain. I can’t help but blame myself for your mother, brother and friends losing you so abruptly…and yet I am still here…we both did the same amount of drugs, but God took you and not me. I hate that you got to leave this cruel world and escape while I am kept here to pick up the pieces…I ask myself everyday why it was you and not me, but again, that is a question I will never be able to answer.

As much as I blame myself for the events leading up to your death, I also blame your boyfriend. He emotionally beat you to the ground until you no longer had the strength to get back up with no hope to keep on living. That’s not what love is and I wish desperately that you had saw that. Not even a month after we buried you he had moved on with someone else…if only you could of seen what little part he would of played in your extraordinary life you lead. You are so much better than him, even in death. It’s not fair that someone who encouraged you to die gets to stay here and live on happily while the rest of us are so damaged by your passing.

You always promised me that you would never leave me alone in this world, sadly that didn’t happen. So here I am, left with the shattered pieces of our life together, left to explain the events leading up to your death to your mother, your little brother and your father…words I never thought I’d ever have to say. They say that to die would be an awfully big adventure and I cannot wait until I can join you on that adventure. Till then my beautiful blue eyed boy.

K, age 20

Dear Auntie,

Just recently the anniversary of your passing came and went. I tell myself every year that it’ll get easier, but the truth is that it never feels any easier. I miss you more than any letter could ever begin to describe. You were the mom I needed when mine wasn’t there, you were the voice of reason when the world got crazy. You were always so willing to tell it how it is and I respect you so much for that. I never got to tell you how much you mean to me and how grateful I am for all the memories that you gave me. It is because of you that I am the person that I am today.

Love you,
Sam, age 24