The Things You Would Have Said

My Love,

Yesterday my heart hurt. A pain I’d never felt. I couldn’t imagine what could be the cause.

You and I haven’t spoken in three years. When we see one another, we look the other way. Avoidance at all costs. We have families to consider. It kind of became “our thing”. 

Now I know…the pain I felt was the moment you left this earth and a piece of my heart broke off and went with you.

I had thoughts of submitting letters on here to you. To say the things I’ve held inside for years, afraid to say out loud. I couldn’t bare to hurt us or them anymore than we already had. But I never thought, not for one second, that I’d have to write them here because you were really gone. Now I’m left with regrets and thoughts of what could have been.

So now I’ll stand with her in the days to come. She and I will forever share the bond of loving you and having you torn from our lives so abruptly. Leaving so much unfinished. So much unsaid.

I loved you then, I love you now, I will love you forever.

Love,
Beautiful, age 40

Dear Mom, 

It’s really true how you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.  In my mind, it’s like your still here.  I have to fight the urge to call you up from school to tell you how I’ve been or when something awesome is happening.  I always want to turn to you for advice and support when I do something that I know Dad wouldn’t be happy with.  It’s scary not knowing that I can no longer always count on you to help me figure things out. 

I had a dream about you for the first time in nine months since you’ve been gone.  I’ve had one every single week since that dream.  I have flashbacks all the time to the months before you died.  The only things I can ever seem to remember are the bad things.  The time with the hash browns, when you were trying to buy me music but your credit card got declined, and when you couldn’t walk or make sentences. The time you wanted to order food and everybody kept trying to do it for you, and that time you were talking to dad about what you wanted to get us for our birthdays.  

Christmas is coming up, and I can’t help but think of last Christmas.  It was perfect.  We were so happy.  Who knew that a month later, you would be gone?  I’m sorry I didn’t say I love you enough.  I’m sorry that I was embarrassed by you.  I’m sorry for every time that I tried to push you away.  I wish I had been home more. People aren’t supposed to have “regrets”.  I’m not saying that I regret anything, but I would give the entire universe to spend one more day with you so I could tell you all of this.

You were such a good Mom.  I miss you more than anything I’ve ever missed.  I hope you aren’t upset with me for running away from Dad’s or how I will be transferring schools next semester.  Since you died, I have felt more lost than ever.  I try so hard to hide it, too.  I act like I know exactly what I am doing, even when I feel like the entire everything is about to squash me.  You were always so proud of me.  Are you proud of me now?  When I laugh, I look like you. 

Love a million moon pies,
Sarah Jane, age 18

Erica, 

It has been a while since I last saw your smile. I’ll always remember it was a beautiful night in June.

I’ve told you a million times how wonderful you are within the past few years. If I were to tell you another million times, I would. At first, I didn’t think you would be so important to me. You came into my life like a random person that I thought you would just walk away like all the others, but you changed my whole world instead. There were so many things that I want you to know, and I wish upon the stars every night wishing you would see how I feel.

You pulled me together when I was broken into pieces. You let me count on you when there’s nobody else can help. You told me to take a step forward in my life, and another step forward when I felt like stopping. You always held my hands tight before I broke down crying for whatever reason it was. Because of you, my life is no longer the same. And I’m stronger than ever.

Indeed, you didn’t have to do all these for me, and I cherish every moment I spent with you. I remember every word you said to me as if I would not be able to hear them again. You’ve been my inspiration, and so much more. Thank you for loving me and being there for me when the time is getting hard. You’ve been the first one I’d look to and the only one who would never give up on me.

It is because of you that made me believe in love. And I want you to know that wherever you go, you’ll see me when you look back like I think of you and smile every once in a while even when you’re gone. You gave me the whole world, and I’d be glad to share my universe with whom I love and admire.

I could have held you in my arms and never let you go that night, but I thought it would be better if I don’t see you cry. I watched you walk away in the long line knowing that you’re heading for a brighter future. What happened doesn’t really matter. Just go save another life!

Looking back on how things could have been, it could not been better. The days I spent with you were like magic, and what you did there were more than enough for me. Don’t blame me for not telling you this when you were here, because you’ll see in the future that one day, I’ll say to my children that I was lucky to meet an angel like you.

So I’ll end this up with what you’ve always said to me, “Don’t worry for the time being.” And that means both of us.

Yours,
Max, age 17