Dear David,

There are so many things I should’ve before letting you go. As you stood there, in front of me, prepared to say goodbye, all I could think about was shouting to the world how much I love you.

I should have said don’t go. Stay.
I should have said hug me. Don’t let me go.
I should have said don’t leave me. Cause I love you.
Why didn’t I? Because it would be selfish. Going away is part of your life. Your happiness is mine, I couldn’t ask you to stay.
A kiss was all I wanted. Not a kiss on the cheek.
I will always love you, you know that.
I should’ve said don’t forget me, instead of “have fun.”

Everyday I wake up, you’re my first thought as well as when I go to sleep. It’s a nightmare that haunts me even when I’m awake.
I wake up every morning with the little strength I have and carry on with the day with the hope in hand that yours was better.

I think about how lucky the people watching you smile right now are.
I think about you.
I knew I’d miss you I just didn’t now I’d miss you like this.

C., age 18

Melody,

My sweet Melody, you are growing into such a lovely little lady. I wish I was a better mother to you. God, you deserve it. You are so smart and witty. Not to mention how sweet you can be when mommy is having a bad day. 

I was just a damn fool for leaving you with grandma for two years of your little life, because I was consumed with drugs. Baby, mommy was hurting so bad and grandma and grandpa were the only safe place I could think of. I regret every day that I choose drugs instead of you.

Your father was a man I slept with once and all I know his first name. And I know it hurt you so much when you found out that the daddy you knew your whole life wasn’t your real father. God, I screwed up so much. That’s probably why I let you get away with murder and run a muck now at 10 years old. I know I have a long way to go in repairing the damage that I did to you, my love.

But sweetheart, mommy will always be here for you no matter what. You are my little song that keeps me going. I love you so much.

Mom, age 33

Dear mom and dad,

I’m sorry I went half way across the country just to go to university. It has only been 3 weeks since you left me here all alone in the Provence I have never been to, and I still feel as alone as ever. I thought going all this way would help me find myself, to get away from the one town I’ve spent the last 18 years of my life in, but turns out I’m as lost as ever. I don’t feel like I belong here. 

Music is much harder to study than I expected and I wish I could have chosen a different path….closer to home. I think of you guys everyday and it doesn’t seem to get easier. I have developed a habit of checking when the next flight leaves for Vancouver and deciding weather I should be on that flight. There are still 86 days until I get to come home for Christmas and it couldn’t come faster. 

What if this life wasn’t what I wanted or expected? Can I just pinch myself and be back in my own bed and get ready for my first day of school and hope this was all a dream?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss you and love you so much. I know you are still there for me even though we are so far away from each other and when we see each other in 86 days it will make this time away seem so much easier.

Love you lots.

Your youngest daughter,
Bean, age 18

Granddaddy, 

Well, granddaddy, it will soon be a year since you have passed away. I still cannot wrap my mind around that because it still feels like yesterday that I lost you. I miss you so much but I know that you are in a better place. God saw your suffering and I am glad that he took you because he loved you and needed you to be ok. I didn’t understand it and didn’t want to, but God knew better. Good news, granddaddy: our wish has finally came true. mom and I have gotten along since you have left us. We are now closer to each other than ever before. You must have had a conversation with God regarding us.

Thank you so much for that, I finally got the mom that I have always wanted. You are still looking out for us even though you are not here physically with us. Thank you again and know that your family misses you so much and love you. Until we meet again, I will remain strong for you because I promised you that and so far I have kept my promise. I will never let you down, granddaddy. Love you forever!

Your oldest granddaughter,
Nikki, age 32

Love,

I know we can’t be together anymore. I know its because you have so many problems to work out for yourself. I wish I could be there to help you with everything, but I know that you needed more than what my love could give you. I pray for you everyday that you will have a great life. I will always hold on to that glimmer of hope that one day you will be able to be the father to our daughter and the lover to me that I know you truly want to be in your heart.

I feel sad when I see you in a bad state. I have forgiven you for everything you have done wrong to me and I know you regret it. I hope you can learn the meaning of true love. Although I don’t know for sure if you ever truly loved me, you were my first true love and I will always be your love forever. I wish you all the best in life. I hope you will see the truth of my love one day.

Sincerely,
Your love forever, age 28

Grandma,

I never had said goodbye. You wanted us to remember the way you were, not when you were sick. I always remembered you prim and proper during the day. At night, curlers in your hair and cream all over your face. Always getting up at 6 am to make us breakfast and having your make-up on before anyone could see you. The times we had at the kitchen table with bowls of ice cream talking about the future and trying to guide me in the right direction. I have always remembered the phrase you used to say to me: “You can do anything you want, no one can stop you.” Now that you are gone, I am going to school and doing what I want to do. You gave me the power, I just did not see it at the time. I want to thank you for giving me the courage that I have today. You are my strength and I know that you are looking down at me with the bowl of ice cream saying, "You can do it.”

With Love Always,
Jenn, age 37

Dear Jadey, 

I think about you every single day. Even though it’s been about a year and a half, it still doesn’t seem like you are gone. It just seems like you’re away at school and I just haven’t talked to you in a very long time. 

Thinking about that day when I found out still makes me cry and I relived every moment that happened until the day of your funeral. I was shocked to find out you took your life and even more shocked that you did not come to me for help or a cry out. You were the happiest person I knew. I never saw you angry one time. You listened to your iPod in class instead of being the goof ball that you were every other day. I didn’t think about what you were going through or why you seemed so upset. You hid it so well that you were planning your death. You were the last person I thought would commit suicide. I still hate saying that word and saying you’re gone.

I feel bad for your family, your mom especially. She hurts every day knowing she lost you and she couldn’t do anything to save you. I think about her a lot, too. We talk about you and how we miss you. She loves you more than anything in the world. And the day before your funeral, your dad got baptized for you. He wants to be with you when it’s his time. I haven’t talked to Jasmine because I don’t want to bring you up and her not open up to me. I’m really mad at you, though. I’m mad you didn’t come talk to me and tell me you were hurting so bad. I felt like a big sister to you and that I had to watch out for you and everything going on with you and Timmy. I feel like I let you down and it killed me to know that I was going to text you to see if you wanted to do something that night and I didn’t because I was tired and just wanted to watch TV with my mom. I think about ways I could have done something to help you. But I didn’t and you’re gone and I can only hope that you’re listening when I talk to you and that God tells you I pray about you and your family…I miss you so much. The things that I miss most were you shouting my name down the hallway, you drawing on my math notes and your laugh. That brightened up my days.

I wear your bracelet every day, I never take it off; it’s always with me. I have a ribbon of you at school because that’s where I feel closest to you. I’m planning on getting a tattoo of ‘believe’ on my foot for you. So that even when I’m old and wrinkly I will still have something to remember you by. I’m doing a Suicide Awareness walk on Saturday. I hope you’re there with me and I hope you know I still think about you every day.

I miss you.
Madeline, age 20

Dad,

It is almost ten years since you have been gone. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I see you in strangers’ faces when they pass me by. I hear your voice in a crowded store. I smell your scent every time I go to Papa’s house. I miss you so much, Dad. It gets hard to go on sometimes without you, but I know you are guiding me and helping me get through this crazy life.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you took your last breath. I wanted to be there, but I couldn’t get there in time. I’m sorry I stayed away so much while you were sick. I had a hard time seeing superman get sicker and sicker every day. I should have been there. Your last words to me always brings tears to my eyes. I love you too, daddy! You were an amazing man. I wish you could be here for whenever I get married. I don’t know how I am going to walk down the isle without you. I don’t know how I am going to get through my future wedding without you by my side calming my nerves. I love you forever, daddy! Until the next one, keep on trucking up in heaven!

Love your baby girl
Beca a.k.a Frog eyes, age 29

My first baby, my first love,

I wish I could tell you: I know I’m a loser. I know I gave up. I got defeated. I did not know my rights. They stole you from me, and I thought I deserved it. 

Gavin, I left you at home and went two blocks down the road to get some Tylenol PM because I was drunk and you were asleep. I got pulled over and went to jail. It was so stupid. I don’t know why I left, I really thought I would be back in five minutes. I hate myself for what I did. I’ve never told Grandma or Grandpa, but that is what happened, and now you know.

Maybe I really did deserve to lose you. I’m so sorry, baby. That’s why I got so screwed up on drugs, I gave up. That’s why I never fought to get you back; I thought I deserved to get you taken away, but you never deserved that. My life has been so bad since then. Even though I have two other children, you are my heart, my soul, my first true love. I wish I would have known better, I would have done better. I just pray we haven’t lost too much time.

I know our relationship will never be what it could have been, but I love you with all my heart and hope that you can forgive me for giving up and not fighting for our life.

I’m sorry son,
Your mom, age 35

Grandma,

I made a promise to myself last summer to see you as often as I could because, well to be honest, you were my favorite person to talk to. We would tell each other how messed up the world was and how we would make a change. We’d stay up late watching old TV shows and talking about the old times you had with Grandpa. I always dreamed of having a love like yours. I couldn’t wait for the semester to be over so we could spend a lot of time together, but once it ended, I started to pick up more hours at work. I should’ve just said no to work in the beginning.

One morning in early June, I had got a text from Rachael saying that you weren’t doing good, and that I had better come visit you at your house because Donna and Tim would be taking you to the hospital. I knew that you had a little stomach bug earlier that week, because I was supposed to come spend the night with you but you told me you weren’t feeling good. In my head, I felt it was nothing serious and that we would get our sleepover soon. But in reality, when I went to your house, I lost it. You weren’t yourself. You were just skin and bones, you couldn’t walk or go to the bathroom by yourself and you weren’t conscious of people surrounding you. I didn’t understand what happened and I don’t think you knew either.

You should’ve seen Mom; it tore her apart that she wasn’t in the state when you were in the hospital. She loved you and respected you so much. It ripped apart my heart seeing her so upset. When I would visit you in the ICU, I tried spending as much time as I could with you because at that time, I wasn’t sure how much time I would get. The doctors weren’t even sure if you were going to make it throughout your first night because your body was rejecting the liquids being put into it. Somehow, in my heart, I knew you were one to fight and you’d make it. You were the strongest woman I knew and Mom definitely takes after you and Grandpa a lot.

I made a hard decision during your last week. I had to decide if I wanted to go to Florida to spend time with T.J. and his family and see you a week and a half afterwards, or to stay with you. I wanted to go to Florida to take a nice break from everything going on, but I knew that I would hate myself more if I would’ve gone and something were to happen to you so I chose to stay by your side. I realized that I never appreciated everything that you’ve done for me and the rest of the family as much as I should have and it hurts me still. When I got word that you had a double hernia and made it through surgery, I gained hope in that you’d recover, but then things got worse. When you had the massive heart attack, I knew that it wouldn’t be long until you were gone from this world and I couldn’t wrap my head around it. The doctors brought you back to life twice and by that time, I just wanted you to rest easy because in my heart I knew you couldn’t fight this battle forever; the odds were against you, unfortunately.

When you passed, part of me had a hard time accepting it but felt relieved that you were in Grandpa’s arms now, that you were safe, but I just needed a sign. The night that you passed, after we all got home from the hospital, Barb sent us a picture of this rain shadow that was in the form of a heart and I knew it was you letting me know you were with Grandpa and that you were okay and safe.

Honestly, I still find myself crying a lot at night wishing that I could come to your house and tell you about my good grades and about how my music is going. I didn’t even get to tell you the amazing opportunities I got this summer with my music. But I wrote a song about losing you and how I wish that I could’ve had you stay. When I played it at the biggest show of my life, I felt you there, smiling down on me and the sun came shining down and I knew you were there. Thank you for watching over me and keeping me safe. And even though you won’t be there physically for a lot of special moments, you will ALWAYS be in my heart.

All my love,
Megan, age 21