To my ex-husband, 

Four and half years ago, I left you, my husband of almost 22 years. We met when I was 15 and you were 20. Two years later we got married. When I was 22 we had our first child, a girl.  Over the course of the next 15 years we had 5 more children. They are beautiful.

You were not a nice person.  You were controlling and manipulative and intimidating. You were hurtful with your words, your intentions and your hands.  After many years of this abuse, the kids and I left. Who knew how great life could be when not held down by absolute fear? 

In these last 4 years I have discovered many things about the world, about my kids and about myself.  And God help me, but the person I want to thank most for this amazing second chance at life is you. 

If it hadn’t been for you, I never would have moved to my new paradise. I would have never learned to drive in the snow or figured out how to put chains on my car tires–all by myself! I would not have had the opportunity to open my own bank account, fill it and empty it all in the same day. If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have been able to have the “slumber parties” I have with the kids every so often–all of us piled in my bed watching movies together and just being with each other.  Our son would never have experienced the joy of football or baseball at such a young age, if at all.  Our daughter may never have fully blossomed into the beautiful little 7 year old that she’s become. 

If not for the way you did things, our kids may not have been as compassionate to others as they are. They all seem to have a gift for finding the wounded and lonely and befriending them, showing them that in the end, life can be ok.  I have found that as a mother, there is no greater compliment a child can give than by bringing home a friend and overhearing a conversation that goes something like “…don’t worry, my mom will like you, and you’ll be ok here.” In our previous life, that scenario would never have taken place because they didn’t know if things would be ok for them, much less assure someone else that all would be well. 

In the last 4 years I’ve learned to accept help in every conceivable way, from both strangers and friends. I’ve learned  that sometimes the best way to move forward is to let go of what’s holding me back and just go with the flow.  I’ve also learned that to keep moving forward, one must give back as they have received.  That’s how one becomes a part of a community and that’s how everyone makes forward moving progress. 

I’ve learned that happiness is my choice, not anyone else’s.  People that like to manipulate others think they control the feelings that other people have.  That’s only true if you let the manipulator have their way.  In the end, you decide your emotional place.  That’s not to say that someone else’s actions won’t make you feel sad or mad or disappointed, but in the end it’s up to you how you’re going to handle your overall emotional well-being. I’ve also learned that living a life without fear is a wonderful thing. Going out to dinner with a girlfriend is a gift of immeasurable portion.  Taking our child to a play is priceless. Listening to our kids buzz about a recent concert they’ve attended is music to my ears.  Going to my job so that I can provide for our kids (even though I’d spent the last 15 years as a stay at home mom that homeschooled our kids) and watch them gain strength and independence is an experience I wouldn’t trade for the world. 

So please don’t think I’m crazy for wanting to send you a thank you note from time to time. If it hadn’t been for you I would not be the person I am today.  While you spent the better part of over 20 years trying to make sure I was nothing, all you really accomplished was creating a person of resilience and optimism. And while I’d like to think that I have truly moved on from my past, I don’t ever want to forget it.  I want to remember what it was like so that I never, in any way, revert back to that kind of life.  My decisions are not always perfect.  I have made mistakes, some bigger than others. But at the end of the day no one gets hurt. I just learn and try again the next day. 

So ex-husband of mine, thank you. Thank you for the blessing of our children–you have absolutely no idea what you’re missing.  Thank you for teaching me that controlling people does not equal happiness and contentment for anyone.  Thank you for showing me that my happy is inside of me and not at the mercy of others. Thank you for all the hard work you demanded of me, because all of that experience sure has come in handy!  And more than anything, thank you for putting me in a position of having to choose whether I would be afraid of you for the rest of my life or break out of that cycle and just LIVE. While I am cautious in my life and will never trust you, I refuse to lose one more minute of sleep over you.  I refuse to hide in my house because of you and I refuse to be yanked around by your threats anymore.  You are not nice and I don’t have to play with you anymore.  I don’t think you have any idea what you created, but I’m sure it’s not what you expected.  I only hope I was able to do as much for you as you have done for us. 

Sincerely,

Your ex-wife, age 42