Dear Brandon,

The one year anniversary of your death is fast approaching. Maybe that’s why you’ve been on my mind so much the past few days. Wow, I miss you. My brother by another mother! I can’t get that dreadful phone call out of my mind that came last year while I was working. It changed my life forever. I’ll never forget trying to make it through work for the rest of the night. I couldn’t stop crying, and my boss wouldn’t let me leave. It was so sudden and unreal to me, and it still is.

I have two things I want to apologize to you for. The first one is, I am sorry for getting mad at you for getting the inside of my car wet when it was new. You were soaking wet from the rain, but wanted to come to my vehicle to offer me an umbrella so that I could stay dry. And all I cared about was my stupid car. I am so sorry, Brandon. I wish I could take back how rude and ungrateful I was to you. You were always doing stuff like that for me. That’s just who you were.

Also, I am so sorry for not answering the phone a few days before you died. I wasn’t doing anything, and was enjoying that fact. The kids were gone, and the house was quiet, and I ignored your phone call for no good reason. If only I had known, I would have gotten to talk to you one last time. I would have told you what a wonderful, awesome, unselfish, giving and caring person I thought you were. I didn’t get a chance to tell you that, and I will never forgive myself.

Laila’s favorite doll is still the one you gave her. She is too young to understand the significance of it, and too little to remember you. But it makes me happy to see her toting that doll around, because it keeps you present in my life, at least in a small way. Thanks for being a friend to Jared, and a positive role model to him. My Jared is a talker, but you always had time to listen to him. You had a way with kids. You would have been a wonderful father. Thank you for not being afraid to be honest with me and for being the most excellent friend a person could ask for. Thank you for walking with me in the rain at work when I was 9 months pregnant, as everyone else darted past us. You didn’t have to do that. You were so good humored as we poured water out of our boots. That is a memory that will stay with me until the day I die. I will always cherish your wide-eyed fascination when you would put your hand on my belly to feel Laila kick. What wonderful memories I have of you!

Thank you, Brandon, for just being you. I am a better person because of you. If there’s one thing I have learned from all this, it’s never take anyone for granted. You were such a unique and special soul; I smile and laugh often because of that almost as much as I cry because you’re gone. I miss you.

Your friend forever,

Emily, age 33