To the three I will never see,

An apology will never be adequate. Your mother and I were, and still are, young. Her father is slowly dying. Neither one of us could have ever given the love or care you would deserve. The shock of new life in the family, and the disappointment on both sides, were enough that we thought the news might kill him. But there are no excuses that will ever be adequate either.

Every day I think to myself that I may be someones father by now. I like to pretend I don’t keep track, but you would be almost a year and a half old now, with a younger brother or sister. Every day I think about what I did, what I took away from you. What I took away in myself. If it weren’t for me you may be here, and that eats away at my soul. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that your father is a screw up. I’m sorry things happened the way they did. I know now in my heart that I’m a coward when it comes down to it. I can’t sleep because I imagine a life, a family, what might have been. I tried to live a life without regret, but I know without a doubt this will haunt me for the rest of my life. I beg god and you three for forgiveness, though I know I don’t deserve it. I’m sorry.

Stephen, age 20