Dear Dad,

It has been almost two years since you died. I wish that I had more understanding of you before you died. If I did, I may have been more supportive, and tried to help you. Instead I yelled at you, and didn’t talk to you. I lost out on learning about you because of my own stubbornness. You had a problem, and you needed help. I may have been the person that could make a difference, but now I will never know. I will never know what could have been. I will never have a father-daughter relationship. You will never know how much I loved you. You will never know your grandchildren. They will never know you.

You were such an intelligent and caring person. The world is worse off without you in it. I feel sad when I think about your life. You never felt you belonged, and you didn’t know how to be a father. I blamed you for that. Of course it was partially your decision, but it wasn’t all you. I placed too much emphasis on the wrong things, and didn’t appreciate the right things. The thing that upsets me the most is that I never told you that I love you. The last time we talked I was angry and mean, when you were only trying to be nice. I put you down, and you let me. I feel that I could have saved your life.

I’m angry that you died homeless. I am angry at society for not helping you. I’m angry that you died in a tent, near an underpass, off of a busy street, in a huge city. People were driving by without a care in the world, and you were talking your last breath just feet away from them. I’m angry that I wasn’t able to give you a real funeral. I’m angry that you have no headstone to mark your life.

I want you to know how loved you were by so many, and how many people miss you, and cry for you. I know you wouldn’t want people fighting, but your death caused a lot of arguments in the family because everyone carried some guilt for what happened with you, and we all wish we had been better people. Because we had so much of our own guilt and loved you so much, we blamed each other.

I want you to know that I love you. I have always loved you. I have always wanted you in my life, even when I said that I didn’t. I wish I could change what happened, but I can’t. I want you to know that your life had meaning. You have made me a more compassionate and empathic person. I have now devoted my life to helping people who have been shut out from their families, and society. I want to give people hope. That is your legacy.

I will love your forever.

Your daughter, age 45