Dear Tatiana, 

Where do I begin? We had such high hopes for you while the doctors didn’t. When they diagnosed you with Trisomy 18, they claimed that it was “incompatible with life”. To be honest, I was scared to meet you. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to love you after looking at pictures online of babies with this genetic disorder. I shouldn’t have been so scared. You were the most beautiful little girl to ever be born onto this earth. When I got to hold you for the first time, you were so very tiny. It was amazing that someone as small as you could be alive. Your mom and dad were so brave and loved you so much. They took care of you every minute and loved you more than I’ve ever seen anyone loved before. You were so tiny and you fought so hard.

We didn’t want to believe that you would not be with us for long. We knew you were a fighter and that you were different from other cases that we had read and heard about. You were our Tatiana, our little bug. Nothing could happen to you; you’d grow older with us every passing year. We wanted to teach you to walk, talk, play sports and music, read; we wanted to teach you everything. 

Holding you was always so scary and exciting at the same time. I was afraid that I would break you somehow. Since you had trouble breathing at times, we had to make sure your head and neck were in the right positions otherwise you’d start to turn purple-y. I didn’t want anything to happen while I was holding you because I’d always blame myself if something ever happened to you. I always loved to tickle you and listen to you make your babbling noises - for such a little girl, you definitely had a lot to say!

When you turned six months old, our family was so excited. We threw you a birthday party because we didn’t want to think about if you would make it to be a year or not, so six months was a major milestone for you. You looked so adorable in your birthday dress. We were all so proud of you, Tati. You had been such a fighter for those six months.

You were even able to smile and laugh, something the doctors never thought you’d be able to do. They seemed to think you were going to be some kind of empty shell. After meeting you, I’m pretty sure you had the biggest personality on this planet. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more genuine smile than yours. I doubt I’ll ever see a smile that comes close to yours.

I saw you for the last time a few days after Christmas. I hope I’m not the one that got you sick. Your body couldn’t handle it. I had a cold and I should have stayed away. I’m sorry. I knew when I got the call from my mom to go to the hospital that this was it, this was the goodbye. I’m so happy I got to tell you one last time that I loved you. When we all left the room to give you some alone time with your mommy and daddy, you were gone twenty minutes later. That was the worst night of my life. Our world was shattered.

We’re currently in the Outer Banks, a few miles away from where you got to be in your mom and dad’s wedding. We’re always thinking of you. Your two older brothers miss you so very much, your pictures are everywhere. Your younger cousins ask about you and love to look at pictures of you. I wish you could come back and give Grandma some cuddle time. She loved to hold and kiss you. Your aunts and uncles miss you too, Tati. We talk about you all the time and celebrate your life.

I wish you could see how much your mommy and daddy have missed you. Your mom is the strongest person I know and I am so proud to call her my aunt. They love you so much, Tati, you were the world to them and more. I know they would do anything to have you back. 

I wish I could tell you again that I love you. I never got to say it enough in your eleven months on this earth. I have a tattoo for you on my ankle, Aunt Kimmy and Erin have matching ones on theirs. It was the least I could do, give a part of my skin to your memory. You’ve helped me come closer to God, my family, and recognize what my life calling is. I wish you could have seen how many people were at your funeral, for someone so young and small you touched hundreds of hearts.

I believe that God took you so soon because you were one of his most precious angels and he missed you too much. You were here with our family for only a short amount of time, and you taught us a very important lesson. You have brought our family together in ways that I never dreamed of. We live each day for you and while our family seems so full of love, there is a big part of our family missing. You were the light of our lives for almost a year, and your absence is felt every minute of every day. 

I like to think that the ladybugs I find around are you coming down to visit, little bug. I feel you here.

I love you more than words can say, and thank you for all that you have given us. See you on the other side someday, Tati.

Love your cousin,
Brianna, age 20