Dear Mom, 

I know it hasn’t been easy raising four kids, mostly by yourself. Yeah Dad is there, but we all know how far his capacity to love anything but alcohol and himself extends. Though you may think you have failed most of the time, especially with me, I need to know that without you, I would never have made it to see my last birthday, or even my thirteenth birthday without you and your love.

All your other kids tell me I am going to give you a heart attack with all the stress I cause you and it hurts me so incredibly bad to think that that one day it might come true and it would be all my fault. The past nine years have been difficult on me (I know you as well) and I guess because of how much I look up to for all your strength, I thought you could handle not only your own problems, but also my depression, drug addiction and all around long and drawn out downward spiral that I am slowly coming out of. No mother ever deserves to see their baby do the things I have done to myself, especially one as beautiful as you. None of the things I have done were ever your fault. I think maybe because you gave me so much love, I was crying out for at least half the love you give me, but from dad. I know I will never be good enough in his eyes no matter how hard I try but I know that no matter who or what I am or the things I do, I have always and will always be good enough for you. 

I don’t know what I would do without you mom. I think I would literally die from heartbreak. I would lose the most important part of myself, I’d lose my home and my strength. You are my best friend, you are my hero, and you are the most incredible, selfless person that I luckily get to call my mom. I hate thinking I take you for granted because I know I do, especially when I don’t treat you like the queen you are. God, my heart is pounding right now. Seriously, the thought of never seeing you again makes it hard for me to breathe, I just start crying and I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s scary because normally when I get a feeling like that, you’ve always been able to calm me down and make me feel better. But what am I going to do when you aren’t here anymore?

I am realizing that I won’t have you forever and the time I do have with you is so precious, I don’t want to take any aspect of you for granted. So from here on out, I will still be honest with you, but instead of making you worry about me all the time, I will really try to create my own happiness and chose not only the right choice but the healthy and right choice for me. I want to make you proud and I want you to always know that anything I ever have achieved or will achieve is all because of you. I may be considered an adult at the age of 21 but I will always wish I was just sitting next to you on the couch watching either (my favorite) Southpark or (your favorite) Desperate Housewives with a piece (or ten) Dove chocolates in our hand.

I love myself because you loved me first. Thank you for everything. 

Lilly Angel, age 21