The Things You Would Have Said

Dear Mother,

It has been a long time since I have seen you alive. I hope life for you in heaven has been all of what you hoped it would be. I hope you are having an awesome time with all of our family members who have died before me. I have often wondered what heaven is like this time of year.

I am doing okay these days. I have a few things I need to say to you.

First of all, I want you to know that I am no longer angry with you for abusing me when I was a little boy. I want you to know that you are so forgiven. It must have been extremely tough for you trying to take care of five kids with no support from my father. You were right when you told me that I will understand what you were going through once I grew up.

My birth was the result of being sexually assaulted by him. As a child, I couldn’t understand why you hated and couldn’t stand to look at me. Being raped and beaten by my father must have pushed you over the edge. I can now clearly understand what rape can do to a woman.

You both really hurt me and it has truly affected my development as a young man. Had I not been abused, I think my life would have turned out differently.

Today I live a quiet, lonely life in Portland, Oregon. I have cut off all contact with the rest of the family because they don’t like my gay lifestyle. They call themselves Christians and their so-called love feels more like judgment. They are convinced that I’m on my way to hell. Even worse, I tested positive for HIV. Mother, my human existence as an African-American gay man has been full of loneliness, pain, rejection, and dispair.

I write you this letter to let you know that I am a very nice person. I don’t hate anybody. And someday, I will do something very good for mankind. Soon I will graduate from college. I will be a psychotherapist and plan to help people who have been abused and rejected like me. I will be someone that people will feel comfortable sharing their painful stories with. The cycle of abuse in our family stops with me. My life and existence means something.

Chris, age 43