Dear Daddy,

It has been two years and a bit now since I heard the news, and yet it sometimes feels like you haven’t been gone for two weeks. They where angry, said you where selfish, but I was just sad for you; Bipolar Disorder makes it sound like you where dysfunctional, but you really weren’t, you where just sick. And everything was taken from you. I don’t know how I would cope if my kids where taken from me, and my house and car, and the pain of the water on your lungs. Maybe the noose and ladder was just a permanent painkiller. 

I miss you a lot, though. I am now 20 and going to start my fourth job soon- it’s a good job and I think you would have been proud of me. I was headhunted! I dated a good guy for a while, someone you would have liked, someone I could bring home. Would you have done what you did if you had known how many dysfunctional relationships I would have ended up in?

And when I find the right one, I want to be married and get it right, something few people in this family seem to be able to do. But sometimes I still don’t feel like I deserve it that good. And if by some miracle I did get married, who will I dance my first dance with?

Mommy isn’t doing too good, either. I know you could never stand each other since the divorce, and even before that. The only memories I have of the two of you together are of arguments. That’s why I don’t want kids. Well I really, really want kids, but I’m scared. I wish I could talk to you again. I still remember your voice and your hug and how I would sit in your workshop as a child while you built masterpieces from wood planks. Anyway, we were all kind of looking after Mom until it became time for each of us to move out. I never told you, never wanted you to worry. But now we are all kind of on our own because the stress of raising an adult is sometimes a bit much. She wasn’t a bad parent, but sometimes just didn’t cook or clean and sometimes wouldn’t get out of bed, either. I don’t think she would take her life but that doesn’t stop her from allowing life to fade away. The other day I walked nine km to visit her and found her in bed, very sick and not haven eaten for a few days. She didn’t accept help offered to her, either, so I called an ambulance ad waited long at the hospital. She ended up in ICU for a while but she is fine now. Why is there no will to live, Daddy?

I have stopped blaming myself for yours and mom’s depression. I have moved out on my own recently and am really growing up: I do the wine evenings and dress up for interviews and have all the right kinds of friends. I haven’t been seen in a bar in a while and am learning to be refined and high class. Sometimes I just want to be a kid again but I know that can’t work, there’s no backup plan for me, no time to play. Anyway I think you would have been proud of me and my sisters. They are doing well, although I wish they where happier. But they are strong and they will be ok.

I hope you are happy where you are, and if you can see me I hope you are proud. May you rest in Peace and Happiness. With all my love and a hope that I will never lose.

Your daughter,
Hope, age 20