Dear Andrew,

I’m so sorry. So sorry I don’t have all the answers or the strength to make it better. I don’t know how to fix it, or maybe I just don’t have the courage. I miss you though.

I miss going into your room and watching you play your video games until the wee hours. I miss that tenderness you had, acting so tough one minute and then bringing home an abandoned kitten the next. We were a team then, taking shifts bottle-feeding it until it could eat on its own, finding it a new home. I miss going outside and lying on the grass to talk about the universe under those stars. Grandma coming out and yelling at us for getting our clothes wet was worth those moments.

I miss conspiring with you; planning our modes of attack and rushing out with our toys and potato guns and playing war. Remember when we climbed the roof everyday? Those fields behind the house were ours.

You’re a genius. You’re an idiot. You were so excellent a math; unmatched at checkers; you used strategy and logic and taught me how to wrestle. You’re my big brother and I love you.

And I miss you so fucking much.

Why did you have to leave? I needed you, I looked up to you. You showed morality I never did. You left and the world went to hell. I was proud of you then. If I would have known, I would have stopped you. But then, you were so stubborn I don’t think I would have stood a chance. The point is you left and got broken. We didn’t understand and you just got worse. You’re there, but you’re not him anymore. Sometimes you come back, but then a light flips and everything changes and it’s like you’re dragged back and chained and replaced with someone so violent and I want to scream.

What am I supposed to do? I’ve got you, my fallen hero, and then my sisters and mom who I have to protect. Come back please, beat this fucking demon. I lied. If I had a time machine, I would change something. I would stay home, keep you sane. I would visit you every damn day. I would leave with you, shield you from such hate and neglect and protect you like you protected me.

Why the hell am I the one who has to be looked on with pride while you’re thrown scraps? I don’t want this, I just want you. I just want my big brother, please for the love of God, come back.

I love you always.

Your sister,
Jessica, age 21