Dear Beau,

You are the epitome of your namesake. You are beautiful. The most beautiful man that I have ever seen, to be exact. I can remember the first time that our eyes met. My breath caught, and my heart skipped multiple beats. That glance was only for a second, for we didn’t know each other yet. Your message at the college meeting for Christians gave me a lot to think about, and stirred up questions. I mustered the courage to e-mail you, and you responded by saying that you wanted to meet to chat. I was so nervous! I was afraid to say the wrong thing, to make you think that I was strange. But I felt perfectly at ease, once we started talking, and we chatted for over an hour. An absolute wonderful hour. We ended the meeting with a hug, and you squeezed me tight. Most guys have given me one-sided/loose, not as meaningful hugs. But yours was different, and special.

After that first chat, I saw you every week at the scheduled meetings for fellowship. You always had a hug for me, and only me. I never saw you hug any other girl. At Valentine’s Day, there was a big box of roses on the table outside the entrance; everyone was free to help themselves to one. You picked one out and handed it to me. I will never forget the look in your eyes when you gave the rose to me. I was 20 years old, and I had never been given a flower from any man before. I think that was the moment when I fell in love with you. We met regularly to talk about life, God, growing in spirituality. I treasured those talks, because they meant the absolute world to me. You listened carefully and had wisdom to share with me. My friends knew that I loved you, but I tried my very hardest to keep you oblivious to it. You spoke again at the weekly fellowship meeting and you told us your story. I cried when you told it because my heart was breaking for you, what you had gone through. I remember the overwhelming feeling of wanting to hold you when you were at a very dark moment in your story. I told you mine, and we prayed together.

I ended up daydreaming about a future with you even though I knew that wasn’t a wise idea. And I knew in my heart that it wouldn’t be possible. You, with your olive skin and dark eyes, hair. Me, with my white skin, dark blonde hair, and light blue eyes. Physically, we were complete opposites. I told myself that this would be the reason that you would never love me back. And I was right. The day that I decided to tell you my feelings for you, you dropped the bomb that you were seeing your ex-girlfriend. Even though you told me that it had ended badly and had been so hurt by the break-up. Then why would you go back? I didn’t understand then, and I don’t understand now. But I plastered a smile to my face, and told you that I hoped it worked out. I told myself that I would never be good enough, and that all of our moments together meant nothing. That I had built them up in my mind. And for a time, I believed that. It was easier to believe that it was my own fault. You are engaged to your original ex-girlfriend now. Every moment that I shared with you, every talk, every prayer, every hug…all of those memories keep me up at night. I regret with every fiber in my being not telling you how I felt about you. Would something have changed? Would your friendship with me have fizzled due to awkwardness? Maybe you would have changed your mind, and pursued something with me. The unknown is what hurts me, day in and day out.

But somehow, at the same time, I am happy for you, for this life that you are starting that I know will be amazing. I just wish that it was with me.

Laney, age 21