Dearest Rabbi Stone,

I used to be in love with my Judaism. I loved learning Torah from you. I loved Hashem¹, Torah and the commandments so, so dearly. My rebbi², you set my soul on fire with wonder and delight. I was to be a servant of G-d for the rest of my life. Your class, my Judaism: It rocked my world.

But, Rabbi Stone, after teaching me in 7^th grade, you moved to Pittsburgh. Immediately, my faith in Hashem began to dissipate.

As the years went by, I developed bipolar disorder. It was extreme. I am now 24-years old, but have spent the past eight years in and out of the hospital, each stay lasting from three weeks to six months.

Rabbi Stone, I have changed.

I experience severe mania, where I go with three hours of sleep a night for weeks and weeks. Euphoria is an understatement. I have been so manic at times, I was convinced I was no longer human; that I was now outside of mundane existence; that I was one with the universe. I knew all, saw all, was all. I had escaped the earth, and now existed in another world, in another time.

But then, inevitably, I would crash. I would become agitated, aggravated, suicidal. I would end up in the hospital for weeks, months – wanting to set myself on fire; screaming and screaming; I would become psychotic, hearing voices.

Suffering.

Even upon discharge, it would take months upon months – extreme amounts of medication – to finally become stable.

Meanwhile (I am currently an honors student at the University of Washington), I would have to get hardship withdrawals and incompletes. The work and pressure is expanding exponentially. I do not know if I will ever graduate.

My rebbi, I am not religious anymore. I hate your god. I cannot stand your little Torah with all of its horrible laws, petty rules and absurd rituals. God does not care about me. I once was laying on the floor of my room after discharge, screaming, calling out for god, pleading to relieve my agony. But Hashem did not care. He did not make me feel better. I am constantly in acute anguish, and your little god does nothing.

I don’t believe in your stupid god no more!

But, am I really an atheist, as I have tried so hard to become?

What about G-d, Hashem, Torah – that I have so loved my entire childhood?

Rabbi Stone, I am lost in the world…

I am a lost human being.

I am lost.

Gwen, age 24