My Dear Blue Eyed Devil, 

Today I listened to the Joshua Kadison CD that has “our” song on it. We went into the shop in Rotterdam together and I bought two copies of that CD. I gave one to you. We were in the midst of what we would get to call our “Ten Days Of Joy”.  The ten days with you that I still cherish so much. You took a ten day break from your work in England to visit me. On the days I had to work, you came with me in the morning and we’d spend my lunch hour together. I couldn’t wait for the office hours to be over…to see you again. And the evenings were long and cozy. We’d watch movies, listen to music, play games, talk, act silly, snuggle up and love each other. You made me feel beautiful, so special, sexy. I have never felt quite like that again. The love in your eyes when you looked at me. Oh, I will never forget that.

And yet, there was something inside you that prevented you from being really happy. There was this part of you that was always dark. And then, you let me go. You let me go, even though I so badly wanted to stay with you, be with you and live my life with you. I didn’t care that you didn’t want to settle down. I would live the nomad life with you. I would have, you know.  But you wouldn’t let me. And so you disappeared from my life. You left me heartbroken for many, many years.

We’d still write every now and then. Until the day I wrote you that I’d be getting married. I am so so sorry if that letter broke your heart, too. but I really had to go on living my life. You never asked me to wait, you were convinced that you would make me unhappy. So I moved on. With you in my heart, I moved on. But it was so hard to lose touch with you. I never heard from you again. I kept writing letters for years. Until I couldn’t do it anymore. Until I had to let go too. But you were still in my heart. And in my dreams. I dreamed of you so often!

I lived in England for a few years and at railway stations and airports, I was always looking for you. I sometimes was convinced that I would see you again.

Our “Ten Days Of Joy” will be 17 years ago this summer. And in September it will be 3 years ago since you died. How do I know that you died? I just do. I felt it. It was a horrible, horrible realization and feeling and I was crying for days and days. One of my friends is a lady with very special talents and she got in touch with your energy. She told me that you had broken off all contact, because you wanted me to be happy in the life that I’ve made myself. You didn’t want to be a cause for hurt or confusion. And I finally understood that you really meant well. She also told me that you were very sorry for making some bad decisions. Your life wasn’t a happy one. And that hurts me so much. It makes me incredibly sad for you. I shouldn’t be sad for you now, because you are at peace now. And you are also always with me. I have felt you with me many times.

But today, while listening to Joshua Kadison, I was wondering if I could have made you happy. I so wished you a happy life filled with love. Could I have given that to you? Was your biggest mistake not letting me in your life? Or did you prevent us from a lot of pain and unhappiness? Did you give me my chance at happiness by letting me go? I guess we will never know.

One of your mates once said to me: “To him you are the sun and the moon.” I will always remember that. You loved me like nobody else loved me. I think you sacrificed your happiness for mine. I thank you for that. I love you, too. I will always love you. So if I could have seen you one more time, that is what I would have said: "I will always love you”.

Yogi