Dear John,

I may not have know exactly known what to say to you, but I truly wished you would have called me that fateful Friday instead of taking that final desperate act to end the pain. I will not lie, I may not have known exactly how you felt, but I might have had a clue. Getting the text message from DJ telling me that you were gone hit me like freight train. I couldn’t believe it. When I had seen you a couple of weeks ago after losing my job, you were the one encouraging me, you were the one telling me everything was going to be OK, that I would be at work again very soon, and you would help me if I needed anything. Why couldn’t I have had that same chance with you?

I think about the afternoons watching you, Josh, DJ, and the other John throwing the football around, and the way the little kids in the complex used to get all exited and try to come play with ya’ll. I think about all the teenage girls that would magically appear out on the balconies or at the little playground with their younger siblings, knowing that they were really there to watch you guys and swoon all over you. I think about you coming up to the apartment randomly just to say hello, and the huge bear hugs you would give every time we saw each other.

Now, I also think about watching the tears build up in John’s eyes whenever something reminds him of you. How now, the gym is a sad place, not the happy place he and his best friend would go to work out while watching the ladies. I think about DJ crumbling to the ground, crying because he couldn’t understand how the one who was always encouraging everyone else, trying to keep his friends in line, was now gone. I miss the bear hugs, I miss the sarcastic but funny points of view you had, and most of all, I miss the smile you put on everyone’s face.

I wish somehow, someway, that one of us could have been there for you. I am sorry that you somehow didn’t realize we would have given anything to help you through whatever was hurting you so bad that you felt there was no other way to get over the pain. IS there something else we could have said or done to let you know we would have helped you any way we could have? I know that none of us may ever get the answer, but I just pray and hope that you are looking down on us, feeling the love that your friends still have for you, knowing that you have touched us and you will be missed.

We miss you, John.

Your friend, age 33