To my someone,

The last month of your life was a bad time for us. Had I known then what I know now–that you were sick and not just being a jerk—I would have said and done a lot of things differently. When we said I love you and parted ways, I had no idea it would be the last words. Had I known you would take your own life twenty minutes later I would have said, “Hold on. It will get better. Get through the moment. Tomorrow is a new day. It will get easier. Nothing is worth your life. Think of me, think of our baby girl, think of your mom, family, friends. The world will NOT be a better place without you. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

I wish you could have just gotten through that moment. I now have to face the fact that my husband murdered my husband. That’s really what happened and part of me absolutely hates you for it. There are people fighting as hard as they can for their lives and you had the nerve to take your own? It is the ultimate act of selfishness. I had to tell our 3 year-old-daddy’s-girl that her daddy was dead and never coming back. Someday I will have the task of explaining to her that it was by your own hand. I am horrified at what a dark place you must have been in to actually be able to go through with it. What pain you must have been feeling at the time that made you want to end it all. Did you do it to save us? Did you know how sick you were so you ended it to save us the heartache and life of abuse? I’ll never know.

What I do know is that the man that died in my garage that day was not the same man I married. The man that I married – I will love for the rest of all time. I miss you babe, every single day, I miss you so much it hurts. She misses you too–she needs her daddy. You should not have left us. You should have gotten help. I would give almost anything to look into your beautiful blue eyes and hold you and tell you exactly how much I love you – that I will always love you.

Tiffany, age 36