My first love K.,

Lately, I have been thinking if I should write this and publish it here, and I decided to do it. I’ve become attached to this site. And maybe someday you will read this.

I have so many words left to say I that could not tell when we met the last time. I always felt more comfortable to write you than to tell you something serious in person, and that’s how the first time I expressed my feelings towards you long ago. It was a night of a victory to me when you replied that you felt something towards me as well. And then the second victory was our first kiss, I still remember it, and I went back home as the happiest teenage girl on earth! Gosh! You really made me happy. Thank you. :) Sometimes I wish I can go back to that night. Trust me, I wouldn’t change a thing about it! But I’m not a teenage girl anymore and victories changed into a lost battle when we had our last kiss in the airport in that country where I made my last move to get closer to you but it didn’t work. It simply broke me into pieces.

Deep down I wished you ran back to me and told me that we can try, at least we could try to make a chance for our story, to make a chance for us, but you just turned your back and left and I was staring at you leaving. That moment, I knew we will never be what we were again, and that I might not see you again. I’ve been in love only with you for three years, you were my first and my last option, and you were always there somewhere in my soul so I could not see anybody else except you. You were my world… Or that’s what I thought. 

Fifteen days ago when we met again has completely changed me into another girl. I was living in the illusion and got lost in the fantasy that one day you’re going to run back to me and tell me you’re sorry for what you did and that you love me and I’m enough for you and you’re never going to disappear, ever again. It’s all funny when I look back now. Tomorrow is my birthday and you woke up a new girl in me. I’ll start my 22 with a different feeling. Finally, I’ll breathe in a different way. The pain I was holding for so long was so great that it destroyed me. I don’t think I could ever get hurt like that again; I locked that sensitive and emotional side of me away. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll be able to feel deeply again. Only if I’m lucky enough, then someday I’ll meet that special man who will bring it back, and to whom I’ll be good enough. Till then, I’ll enjoy being with others only for my own benefit. 

I gave you more than enough chances to make things right and you didn’t. I opened myself up to get cut wide open. I finally moved on and I’m happy, nothing holds me back to you anymore. It’s sad, but I can’t lie. That’s something I never thought I’d say. I never pushed you away; it’s your own doing, and I’m not writing this out of anger, no. I’m writing this because I know that no girl will ever amount to what I was for you. No girl will ever feel for you the way I did. Maybe the same will go for me. There’s never going to be another guy that is just like you.

Darling, If we’re meant to be, we’ll find each other again one day and maybe, maybe I’ll fall madly in love with you again, just like before, and If not; then I really hope you find happiness in the decisions you made, because God knows I would never have chosen this for us. But I also can’t fix what you created, and I don’t want to anymore.

I hope you’re living your life the way you hoped to.

Sincerely,
N., age 21