Dearest Halbes,

It’s New Year’s Day. Last night, my thoughts were going around and around in my head always coming back to you. I kept wondering if I should send you a message or if that would offend you. I don’t even know if you want to hear from me or if you’re glad to be rid of my drama. So I am sending this out into the universe hoping you can sense how much you mean to me, how much I hope that life holds only happiness in store for you and how much I miss our friendship.

I can’t listen easily to our favourite songs. It weighs down my heart so much. I often talk about the things you used to say and do and suddenly realize that I’m stuck in the past. Stuck, stuck, stuck. Walking across the Christmas markets this year I kept looking for a sun and moon feng shui light catcher like the one I broke years ago that your mom had given you. I so wanted to find one hoping I could send it to you and you’d realize all those things I can’t say. That I love you. That I never could forget the things that matter to you. That I’m helplessly stuck in my own maze of disconnectedness and that nothing of what I feel is your fault.

Soon it will be Marie’s first birthday and I hate not being in her life and yours, but it hurts so much. Knowing I will probably never have children of my own throws me. Everytime I see n pregnant woman, everytime my niece wants to play pretend that I’m her mom, pretty much all the time. I don’t know when I went from being ordinarily overwhelmed by the shit life throws at us to fighting for my life for the sake of the people I love and care about so much that they are the sole reason I’m holding on. You are one of those and I hope that I’ll win this fight and that I’ll have the chance to show you that I never left you behind and always held you close to my heart. I really hope that some part of you - despite time and distance - reserves a spot for me in your life until I am ready again to join the ‘living’.

Because I do love you.

Your clinically depressed ex-roomy and best friend,
Halbes, age 32