My first love K.,

Lately, I have been thinking if I should write this and publish it here, and I decided to do it. I’ve become attached to this site. And maybe someday you will read this.

I have so many words left to say I that could not tell when we met the last time. I always felt more comfortable to write you than to tell you something serious in person, and that’s how the first time I expressed my feelings towards you long ago. It was a night of a victory to me when you replied that you felt something towards me as well. And then the second victory was our first kiss, I still remember it, and I went back home as the happiest teenage girl on earth! Gosh! You really made me happy. Thank you. :) Sometimes I wish I can go back to that night. Trust me, I wouldn’t change a thing about it! But I’m not a teenage girl anymore and victories changed into a lost battle when we had our last kiss in the airport in that country where I made my last move to get closer to you but it didn’t work. It simply broke me into pieces.

Deep down I wished you ran back to me and told me that we can try, at least we could try to make a chance for our story, to make a chance for us, but you just turned your back and left and I was staring at you leaving. That moment, I knew we will never be what we were again, and that I might not see you again. I’ve been in love only with you for three years, you were my first and my last option, and you were always there somewhere in my soul so I could not see anybody else except you. You were my world… Or that’s what I thought. 

Fifteen days ago when we met again has completely changed me into another girl. I was living in the illusion and got lost in the fantasy that one day you’re going to run back to me and tell me you’re sorry for what you did and that you love me and I’m enough for you and you’re never going to disappear, ever again. It’s all funny when I look back now. Tomorrow is my birthday and you woke up a new girl in me. I’ll start my 22 with a different feeling. Finally, I’ll breathe in a different way. The pain I was holding for so long was so great that it destroyed me. I don’t think I could ever get hurt like that again; I locked that sensitive and emotional side of me away. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll be able to feel deeply again. Only if I’m lucky enough, then someday I’ll meet that special man who will bring it back, and to whom I’ll be good enough. Till then, I’ll enjoy being with others only for my own benefit. 

I gave you more than enough chances to make things right and you didn’t. I opened myself up to get cut wide open. I finally moved on and I’m happy, nothing holds me back to you anymore. It’s sad, but I can’t lie. That’s something I never thought I’d say. I never pushed you away; it’s your own doing, and I’m not writing this out of anger, no. I’m writing this because I know that no girl will ever amount to what I was for you. No girl will ever feel for you the way I did. Maybe the same will go for me. There’s never going to be another guy that is just like you.

Darling, If we’re meant to be, we’ll find each other again one day and maybe, maybe I’ll fall madly in love with you again, just like before, and If not; then I really hope you find happiness in the decisions you made, because God knows I would never have chosen this for us. But I also can’t fix what you created, and I don’t want to anymore.

I hope you’re living your life the way you hoped to.

Sincerely,
N., age 21

Dear David,

There are so many things I should’ve before letting you go. As you stood there, in front of me, prepared to say goodbye, all I could think about was shouting to the world how much I love you.

I should have said don’t go. Stay.
I should have said hug me. Don’t let me go.
I should have said don’t leave me. Cause I love you.
Why didn’t I? Because it would be selfish. Going away is part of your life. Your happiness is mine, I couldn’t ask you to stay.
A kiss was all I wanted. Not a kiss on the cheek.
I will always love you, you know that.
I should’ve said don’t forget me, instead of “have fun.”

Everyday I wake up, you’re my first thought as well as when I go to sleep. It’s a nightmare that haunts me even when I’m awake.
I wake up every morning with the little strength I have and carry on with the day with the hope in hand that yours was better.

I think about how lucky the people watching you smile right now are.
I think about you.
I knew I’d miss you I just didn’t now I’d miss you like this.

C., age 18

Love,

I know we can’t be together anymore. I know its because you have so many problems to work out for yourself. I wish I could be there to help you with everything, but I know that you needed more than what my love could give you. I pray for you everyday that you will have a great life. I will always hold on to that glimmer of hope that one day you will be able to be the father to our daughter and the lover to me that I know you truly want to be in your heart.

I feel sad when I see you in a bad state. I have forgiven you for everything you have done wrong to me and I know you regret it. I hope you can learn the meaning of true love. Although I don’t know for sure if you ever truly loved me, you were my first true love and I will always be your love forever. I wish you all the best in life. I hope you will see the truth of my love one day.

Sincerely,
Your love forever, age 28

My first baby, my first love,

I wish I could tell you: I know I’m a loser. I know I gave up. I got defeated. I did not know my rights. They stole you from me, and I thought I deserved it. 

Gavin, I left you at home and went two blocks down the road to get some Tylenol PM because I was drunk and you were asleep. I got pulled over and went to jail. It was so stupid. I don’t know why I left, I really thought I would be back in five minutes. I hate myself for what I did. I’ve never told Grandma or Grandpa, but that is what happened, and now you know.

Maybe I really did deserve to lose you. I’m so sorry, baby. That’s why I got so screwed up on drugs, I gave up. That’s why I never fought to get you back; I thought I deserved to get you taken away, but you never deserved that. My life has been so bad since then. Even though I have two other children, you are my heart, my soul, my first true love. I wish I would have known better, I would have done better. I just pray we haven’t lost too much time.

I know our relationship will never be what it could have been, but I love you with all my heart and hope that you can forgive me for giving up and not fighting for our life.

I’m sorry son,
Your mom, age 35

Grandma,

I made a promise to myself last summer to see you as often as I could because, well to be honest, you were my favorite person to talk to. We would tell each other how messed up the world was and how we would make a change. We’d stay up late watching old TV shows and talking about the old times you had with Grandpa. I always dreamed of having a love like yours. I couldn’t wait for the semester to be over so we could spend a lot of time together, but once it ended, I started to pick up more hours at work. I should’ve just said no to work in the beginning.

One morning in early June, I had got a text from Rachael saying that you weren’t doing good, and that I had better come visit you at your house because Donna and Tim would be taking you to the hospital. I knew that you had a little stomach bug earlier that week, because I was supposed to come spend the night with you but you told me you weren’t feeling good. In my head, I felt it was nothing serious and that we would get our sleepover soon. But in reality, when I went to your house, I lost it. You weren’t yourself. You were just skin and bones, you couldn’t walk or go to the bathroom by yourself and you weren’t conscious of people surrounding you. I didn’t understand what happened and I don’t think you knew either.

You should’ve seen Mom; it tore her apart that she wasn’t in the state when you were in the hospital. She loved you and respected you so much. It ripped apart my heart seeing her so upset. When I would visit you in the ICU, I tried spending as much time as I could with you because at that time, I wasn’t sure how much time I would get. The doctors weren’t even sure if you were going to make it throughout your first night because your body was rejecting the liquids being put into it. Somehow, in my heart, I knew you were one to fight and you’d make it. You were the strongest woman I knew and Mom definitely takes after you and Grandpa a lot.

I made a hard decision during your last week. I had to decide if I wanted to go to Florida to spend time with T.J. and his family and see you a week and a half afterwards, or to stay with you. I wanted to go to Florida to take a nice break from everything going on, but I knew that I would hate myself more if I would’ve gone and something were to happen to you so I chose to stay by your side. I realized that I never appreciated everything that you’ve done for me and the rest of the family as much as I should have and it hurts me still. When I got word that you had a double hernia and made it through surgery, I gained hope in that you’d recover, but then things got worse. When you had the massive heart attack, I knew that it wouldn’t be long until you were gone from this world and I couldn’t wrap my head around it. The doctors brought you back to life twice and by that time, I just wanted you to rest easy because in my heart I knew you couldn’t fight this battle forever; the odds were against you, unfortunately.

When you passed, part of me had a hard time accepting it but felt relieved that you were in Grandpa’s arms now, that you were safe, but I just needed a sign. The night that you passed, after we all got home from the hospital, Barb sent us a picture of this rain shadow that was in the form of a heart and I knew it was you letting me know you were with Grandpa and that you were okay and safe.

Honestly, I still find myself crying a lot at night wishing that I could come to your house and tell you about my good grades and about how my music is going. I didn’t even get to tell you the amazing opportunities I got this summer with my music. But I wrote a song about losing you and how I wish that I could’ve had you stay. When I played it at the biggest show of my life, I felt you there, smiling down on me and the sun came shining down and I knew you were there. Thank you for watching over me and keeping me safe. And even though you won’t be there physically for a lot of special moments, you will ALWAYS be in my heart.

All my love,
Megan, age 21

Hi,

I don’t know if you’re reading this. Sometimes I think you’re reading everything I write, watching everything I do, like an angel over my shoulder. And this whole disappearing act of yours was just an act, and you’re waiting for me somewhere.

I know I’ve made mistakes. But how could I ever forget about our phone calls when we both couldn’t get to sleep? I love you. I will never love another woman the same way again. It is impossible for me to get over you.

It would be manageable if you were around. If you gave me an e-mail every once in a while. Sure, you used to say you loved me as a friend…but is this what people do to friends that they love? Disappear forever?

In the words of Fort Minor, “Where’d you go? I miss you so. Seems like it’s been forever since you’ve been gone.” It’s true. I’m ready to share my life with you. If you want to be friends that’s okay, too. Just write.

Do you know what a soulmate is? It means your soul wasn’t born alone. In Hinduism, there’s the story of Sita and Rama. Sita tells him ‘You found me, just like you find me in every lifetime.’ That’s the way it’s been for millennia.

It’s been a weird and crazy few months since you left.

I miss you,
-H, age 23

Dear Mom,

Thank you for everything, from helping me with my black belt test to packing my lunch every day. You help me with my priorities and my homework. You work so hard by taking care of the family and making meals for us every day.

You always will spoil me, and even let me get a hamster even though you hate them. When I first wanted another pet, I wanted a turtle, not a hamster. But after talking to some people, I chose that I wanted a hamster instead. After saving up some money, and having dad say that he would pay for some of the stuff, we went to get a hamster. I brought my friend with me, since she knew a lot about hamsters. We drove to the store and got my hamster, a cage, and supplies. You didn’t like my hamster at first, but then you grew more affectionate to it. 

You will always keep me happy, and make holidays and birthdays perfect. You will always protect me, even for the smallest reason.

Sincerely,
Seth, age 23

To Kenny,

For years we have played this game of limbo, this game of timing being off and this game of hearts being broken, the pieces being used as a path to find our way back to ourselves. This is so hard to write because it feels like that means I am accepting it is true, this game: us. It will never get a chance to be played in the big leagues. No batters are going to line up and no fans will fill the stands, no popcorn will be passed out and nobody will receive that trophy. We won’t receive that trophy.

When we first met I was in love with your best friend, I thought of you as this guy with this beautiful heart that was so accepting and didn’t judge. You didn’t know who I was, but you accepted me. You became someone so important to my growth and so encouraging to that growth. You loved me then, at least you said you did. I wish for nothing more than to have kept all those messages that you sent me. I wish I had listened to you and left him. You have always been so easy to talk to and so easy to love that I notoriously lose myself in all the right ways when you are around. I become brave, I become fearless, and I become these things because you have guided me to become these things. I know I can trust you and I know you will be there to hold my hand and to jump, even if the water is going to be cold.

You have inspired me, the nice girl, to be more than that. To be wild and to have fun and to love like I have never loved before. You helped me find a passion I never thought I would feel. You are leaving soon and I want this letter to be ready before then, I want you to know where I stand before you leave. I want you to know that no matter where that road takes you, where you end up, if you pick a home on that road, a town to settle and find a life I would join you. I would move to that town because you would be there. I think we have always had something amazing, a connection you couldn’t just explain. I love you Kenny, and I have loved you since the first time we talked, since you got me to open up, since you got me to smile. I want amazing things for you, and if that means me, then great. If that doesn’t, that is okay, too.

All My Love,
Ashley, age 22

Dear Mom,

I am writing to you because I want you to know that I still love you. I know that you lost both me and Tim. I even wanted to let you know that I was the one that I was the cause of the file 51A. I am very sorry for this. I even regret this happening to you. When I found out that you stopped calling, I was heartbroken. I just wanted you to know that I was worried for my brother.

I even graduated from high school, and I still wished that you were there at my side. I even want you to know that I am doing fine. I even have a job. But I even admit that I still look into the past. Now I found out that the past is full of darkness. I want to forget the past and press on. 

Please forgive me for what has been done in the past. Free me of the worries, and the pain. Let God tell me that you are now okay, wherever you are.

Your Son,
Chris, age 25

P.S. Now that I have let it out, I can now let the past go, forget it, and press on.

P.P.S. To those who read this letter, thank you for reading it. I just want everyone to learn that forgiveness can go the distance.

Jim,

Still missing you after 10 years!

I know we talked about everything during our time together (20+ years). We laughed, argued, and had so much fun. You told me that you were afraid I would be alone the rest of my life after you left me, and you didn’t want that for me. You said I should have someone to love and take care of. I hate to say it but you were right. I am alone. I used my mother as an excuse for the first 3 years then she left me. No more excuses.

I did date but never found anyone. I thought I did twice but was wrong both times. I have been told I live in the past and I admit I do at times. I have now retired and am trying to fill that void of not working with so many other things. My family thinks I should move up with them (you know me, never going to happen). I need my independence, but I am lonely and I need your help. How do I let go and still hold on at the same time?

You said you don’t want me to be alone but you never told me how to move on. It is so good to know you knew I loved you and I knew you loved me. I wish more people understood how important it is to say things to the people you love before they go! 

I guess I just wish at times you were wrong and I was with someone who appreciates me. Maybe I set my standards too high and compare them to you, which I try hard not to do. 

I again wish you had told me how to move on before you left. You were my love and soul mate. They say you have only one soul mate but I have also heard there is a good possibility you could have two. 

Love you always.
Jackie, age 67