Dear Auntie,

Just recently the anniversary of your passing came and went. I tell myself every year that it’ll get easier, but the truth is that it never feels any easier. I miss you more than any letter could ever begin to describe. You were the mom I needed when mine wasn’t there, you were the voice of reason when the world got crazy. You were always so willing to tell it how it is and I respect you so much for that. I never got to tell you how much you mean to me and how grateful I am for all the memories that you gave me. It is because of you that I am the person that I am today.

Love you,
Sam, age 24

Dear David,

There are so many things I should’ve before letting you go. As you stood there, in front of me, prepared to say goodbye, all I could think about was shouting to the world how much I love you.

I should have said don’t go. Stay.
I should have said hug me. Don’t let me go.
I should have said don’t leave me. Cause I love you.
Why didn’t I? Because it would be selfish. Going away is part of your life. Your happiness is mine, I couldn’t ask you to stay.
A kiss was all I wanted. Not a kiss on the cheek.
I will always love you, you know that.
I should’ve said don’t forget me, instead of “have fun.”

Everyday I wake up, you’re my first thought as well as when I go to sleep. It’s a nightmare that haunts me even when I’m awake.
I wake up every morning with the little strength I have and carry on with the day with the hope in hand that yours was better.

I think about how lucky the people watching you smile right now are.
I think about you.
I knew I’d miss you I just didn’t now I’d miss you like this.

C., age 18

Dear Katie,

Yesterday was supposed to be our original wedding day (4/20). I saw this on the CBS Sunday News Morning Show (one of your favorites and mine as well) and instantly thought of you. I understand your disdain and bitterness towards me. I completely failed us, and I hope you will one day think good thoughts of me and our time together. Here are some things I would like to say to you if I had the chance.

1) Thanks for giving me a second chance. I’m sorry I failed us.

2) Thanks for teaching me the meaning of unconditional love and sacrifice. I will always cherish our time together.

3) I wasn’t looking for anyone when I met you but I fell in love because:

You are an angler with the appropriate fishing jacket and flapper
You are a bourbon drinker (albeit a novice one)
You are dedicated to your family and friends
You are an avid reader
You are a dedicated Christian
You are an above-average Karaoke singer
You are a talented sales representative
You are a dog and squirrel lover
You are a brilliant woman with incredible potential
Your gregarious personality is addictive
You are incredibly witty and hilarious
You are my partner and best friend.

I miss you and love you terribly.
Me, age 41

Dear Mom,

I will be going away for two months in a few days’ time. This time, I will be in South America, to fulfill my little dream of visiting every continent in the world. If you were still around, I know you would be very worried for me. You might discourage me from making this move because you have always been worried for me, for my safety. I can already imagine you shaking your head at my decision.

But if you were still around, I would give up this dream of mine to be with you, to stay by your side. I miss you, I miss the food that you cooked. I miss you singing to your favourite oldies. I remember you used to tell me that you only sing when you are happy. I wish I could hear you sing more. I miss you feeding me, and us doing grocery shopping together. I remember you cuddling me at aunt’s place, fanning and patting me to sleep despite the warm temperature and mosquitoes flying around. I felt so loved and yet I never told you that. 

Throughout my adolescent years, I was rude and rebellious towards you. I did not appreciate that you were working hard to support the family. I did not know you had been through a hard life growing up. I had taken so many things in life for granted. I am ashamed that I only got to know more about you in the last few months of your life.

Despite the pain and suffering you were going through - both from the cancer and the treatment itself- you fought on like a true warrior, never giving up for the sake of the family. Even on your bed, you were still worried about the household chores. You said that you still had many things you wanted to do. When I probed, you told me that there were still sewing to be done, you were worried about us and you were not ready to leave us. I did not reply because I did not know how to. I should have known that everything you did was all for the family and not for yourself. Mom, you were a strong woman and I am not sure if I can be as self-sacrificing as you. 

A few weeks ago, I was looking at your photographs from younger days. I saw how you aged from a beautiful young mother right up to the beautiful but tired-looking grandmother you were. If time could turn back, I want to be your little girl again and I will change myself to make you happier. Wherever you are now, I hope you will be truly happy. I love you, Mom.

Your Ling, age 35

Dear Lucy, 

Everybody told me then not to be upset, that you had the best of life, that keeping you dignity, wit and near perfect health until age 102 and fading away in just a few months was your best blessing.  Yes, I suppose they are right. But almost a year later I still miss you and that weird certainty that you were immortal and mine to keep forever.

Thank you for twelve years of pure friendship, the coffee in the mornings, and the scotch in the afternoons.

Thank you for sharing with me those amazing second-hand tales of the US Civil War that your grandfather told you – I wish I had had a tape recorder.

I wanted to tell you that I am now an American Citizen. You would have been so proud of me, had you gotten to know.

I hope that I can age with half the health, grace, class and friends that you had and I will forever miss you.

With all my love,

B, age 40

Dear Mr. Layoff Notice,

I know you’re just doing your job, but did you know that by doing your job, you’ve gone and eliminated mine?  Did you know that 14 years of teaching experience has just been thrown down the toilet?  Did you know that because of you, I no longer have the money to pay my bills, or buy gas for my car?  Did you know that because of you, there are countless students that are going to go uneducated, or at least not educated to the fullest of their abilities? 

Thanks to you, my kids will have to go without.  While your bosses, the so-called “big wigs” in the school district, are being paid well over six figures, have countless assistants and secretaries, and get a free car and stipend, I’m barely able to buy groceries to feed my children.  Yet, they are allowed to keep their job.  They probably don’t even like their job.  I loved mine. 

Now, I’m sitting here, writing this letter to you, trying to figure out how my husband and I are going to make it on unemployment.  Instead of getting up in the morning and going to do something I loved, I’m worrying about whether I can pay my electricity and sewage.  Instead of making up lesson plans, I’m sending out resumes to every school district in the tri-state area.  Instead of teaching the Pythagorean Theorem to my students, I’m trying to find something else I’m skilled at that maybe I could do for a profession.  Instead of smiling at students passing by, I’m smiling at countless people interviewing me for positions that aren’t available. 

How am I supposed to show you to my husband, who already works so hard to support us?  How am I supposed to tell him that I am no longer allowed to contribute to the support of our family?  While you sit all cushy in your leather chair and designer suit over at the board, I’m scrounging around secondhand stores, trying to find clothes that fit my children. 

And to think…there used to be a time when being a teacher was a revered profession.  When teachers were looked upon as indispensable. Apparently, that time is no longer. 

Signed,

A teacher, age 34

Dear Roxie,

You always were so much more than a horse to me. And, you would have been ten this year… wow. I can’t believe that! That means this would have been our sixth winter together.  Lord, I can’t even believe that. I still remember the day I found out you were mine- my parents hid your picture in a blanket for Christmas. Literally, one of the best things to happen to me, ever. You’ve been gone for about two and half years now, and you know what? I don’t care that you were “just” a horse. You weren’t, not even close.

You know, it really killed me when you died, so unexpectedly, so randomly, on such a pure, perfect summer day. It was surreal. I can’t tell what made your death worse; the fact that I found you dead in your stall, all sweaty and laying down with your mouth contorted, still as a board, or the fact of knowing my absolute best friend in the world, the thing I set and associated myself by, my passion, the thing I had complete and utter trust in, was just… gone. You were gone. Poof, gone from my life. Never again would I be able to ride you, feel that smooth lope. Never again would I hear you whinny at me when I walked in through those barn doors. Never again could I touch you. I wouldn’t be able to see your gorgeous, champagne colored coat, your funky tail with streaks of different colors, your three socks, or your cute little pink patch underneath the white spot on your nose. I wouldn’t be able to show you, ever again.

You always were too pure of a horse to exist in real-life for too long. You were spunky and nice and kind and patient and a bitch and I loved every part of you. The barn radio was on when I said goodbye and you know what song was playing? “I Still Miss You” by Keith Anderson. Ironic, eh baby girl? I still can’t freaking listen to that song without crying. You were supposed to be there when I graduate high school, when I started college. You weren’t. You were my rock, my foundation to reality. How many times did I think about just driving off a bridge, or overdosing on pills or something. My sense of reality was all warped and everything was surreal. I can still remember every single thing that happened when I found you. I hated life and I hate myself. I felt it was my fault that I didn’t catch that you weren’t feeling good the day before when I rode you. Sometimes, I still feel like it’s my fault… I should have read you better, baby girl.

Since your death, life has been, to put it simply, weird. Honestly, everything has spiraled out of control. My parent’s finances are shit, their marriage is shot, and my home life now sucks. Instead of living the college dream, I’m living at home trying to save money. It feels like you dying was a jinx onto my family. I had to switch barns because no one got me after you died, and had to switch trainers, friends, etc. Life just isn’t the same. I still get down about you and no one gets it. No one gets that you were never just a horse. You were my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend, my rock, my life. Then, all of the sudden, you were just gone.

One good thing that’s come from this is I got Gracie. Lord, she’s been a life-saver. I don’t know where the hell my life would be without that cute little horse. She reminds me of you in so many ways. It’s like you were partly reincarnated into her. She likes to chew reins and buttons on coats. You both wear the same size blankets, bridle/cavesson sizes and even have a long, thick tail. It amazes me that you guys are so alike. You are both spunky and both totally respect me. I love you both.

I lay awake at night trying to remember what you felt like, what you sounded like. I can’t remember your lope, your jog, your walk, anything. It destroys me. I feel so guilty. Why have I forgotten? What have I done to forget something as beautiful as you? As my best friend? It’s so frustrating that I have slowly forgotten everything about you. I admit to only visiting your grave the one time. I just can’t do it. Don’t be mad, I’d rather remember you as something pure, whole and beautiful, not broken and wounded, dead, on the ground.

I must say, I do look forward to your signs that you’re doing okay. The rainbows? I see them and know they’re from you, especially after I’ve been particularly down or it’s been a rough day. I think that after the majority of horse shows I’ve gone to since you died, I have seen a rainbow at some point or another. Thank you for that. Thank you for motivating be to become a veterinarian, no matter how long the road. I want to honor your memory, Rox. I can only imagine some beautiful angel riding you across the clouds while you wait for me to join you one day. Please, please continue to watch over me, my family, my pets, and especially, Gracie.

Thank you. Thank you for everything. Words can’t express my gratitude and sorrow and love for you. I love you, Roxie. You were my best friend, always way more than “just” a horse.

Love,
ASC, age 20

Kris,

You’re the last thing I think about at night, and the first thing every morning, and every minute in-between. You are an incredible person, so determined and driven, good hearted, and such a beautiful soul. There’s not a day I don’t miss you, and there will never be a day that I’ll stop loving you. You were supposed to be mine, we were supposed to be each other’s everything. But as time went on, you moved on.

I talk to our old friends and ask how you’ve been. You’re with someone new and you two are sharing all of our dreams. If makes me sick to my stomach. You break my heart everyday without ever even knowing it. You drive me crazy and you don’t even know it. I still love you after all this time and I don’t know if you still know it. I wonder at times if the feeling is mutual. Do you miss me, too? Do you wish she was me? I wake up with him and pray everyday it’s you laying next to me.

Sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and I’ll listen to our old songs just to get me back to sleep. All I have left of us is our pictures and my memories. My heart breaks everyday for you, my love.  Come back, I’ll always be waiting for you. I still love you babe, with all my heart. No one will ever hold a flame to you.

Alicia, age 22

Dear Brown Bear,

Do you remember when we came up with that nickname? I tried calling you my teddy bear, but you would not settle. “No, call me Brown Bear.” I was never able to call you mine, but I felt in my heart you were. When I met you it was like fate had brought us together, or just a crappy job. I had just turned 17 and I was getting my first job. I was nervous around you, and so shy. I always could feel your eyes on me, just watching. When you asked for my number then a few weeks later and "accidentally” called me babe, I knew I was going to fall head over heels for you. I did. I still am. 

I still remember all our memories, and often enough they keep me up at night. Throughout my senior year, a huge portion of my favorite memories were with you. I remember the laughter, the kisses, the hugs, and the joy we had being together. But you were so much older than me. When I finally had the courage to tell my stepmom about you, I was so happy she approved. I felt like the time spent with you was the happiest of my life, and they still are.

You had this way of making me smile just with a look. Do you remember when I stayed at work late knowing you were coming in? I looked forward to coming to work because I knew you would be there, even if just for an hour more. Every time you came in the backroom you were singing, or would tell me “no llores” or “boo boo da foo”. That will always be my favorite name. 

Even though we fell apart quickly, I still care about you and love you. I should have told you how I felt about you. Maybe than things would be different now. Maybe I would still be happy. I think about you often, I pray for you, and I hope the best for you in life. I still feel in my heart you are one of the best people to ever appear in my life, just for a year, and made me fall in love. You are my first true love, and to this day I wish I would have had the courage to tell you this.

I know deep down, whoever gets to call you theirs is truly a lucky woman. You are one of the few respectful, kind, loving, happy, caring, lovable gentleman out there. I am so blessed to have been able to call you mine, even for so short of a period. I wish I would have been able to keep you longer, but life took us down different paths.

There are only a few things I regret. One, that I never truly told you how I felt. Two, when I didn’t go fishing with you and when I didn’t go to the party. I look back now, and realize that you were truly reaching out to me. You wanted me there with you to share an experience, together. This is something I get to live with for the rest of my life. Three, how everything ended. When we saw each other, we wouldn’t look each other in the eye. We couldn’t even acknowledge the others existence. I think this is what kills me the most. I miss you and I wish we were still friends. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. I miss being the reason there is a smile on your face. I miss waking you up in the morning with a kiss.

If ever a time comes in your life when you need someone, I want you to know I will ALWAYS be here for you. No matter what. You changed my life, you helped me grow up, and you made me happy again. I hope I made an impact on you. I hope when you grow older and have children, you will tell them about me. I think the hardest thing was letting you go, but now I realize the hard part was not wanting to let you go. Writing this letter comes in close second to that, and third will be pushing the Send button once I finish.

I just want you to know when you’re feeling down, there is always someone who cares about you. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers. Everything you gave me on Valentine’s Day, I still have and cherish. The teddy bear will always be near; it’s my security blanket since you aren’t around anymore. I don’t think I will ever get rid of it, because I will lose another piece of you. It will be tattered and torn with stuffing coming out of it before I will be able to let go of it, and of you.

Love,

Boo boo da foo, age 18

Girl,       

I was on a bike ride with my father to the store one day. I can’t remember exactly how old I was, probably 7 or 8. On the ride back, I turned a corner around an apartment building and there you were. Time seemed obsolete. I stared at you. You stopped dead in your tracks and stared right back. I nearly wrecked because I could not take my eyes away. Since I was so young, I had no idea about true love or soul mates,  but I still believe you might have been mine. My dad was in a rush that day so I never got a chance to talk to you. I am almost 24 years old now. Almost 17 years later, I finally get a chance to say something. Whether you’ll hear this or not is up to
fate. Here it goes.

I’m not exactly sure what emotions I could feel for a complete stranger, but I feel a very close connection between us. I think you are the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen. Please find me.

Waiting,
Me, age 23