The Things You Would Have Said

Memorial Day

Mon, 28 May 2012 00:06:00 -0700

Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just Keep Trying

Sat, 26 May 2012 23:49:00 -0700

Dear Granddad,

It really hurts me to see you suffer. Though you try to fight it, I still pray you will get cured. Maybe it’s not very likely to get completely cured, but we still pray and hope. Sometimes I get teary when I think about you and Nana in Texas when I barely get to see you. You inspire me to just keep trying. Even when I write this, I begin to cry, but I try to stay brave just like you.

Maddie, age 10

Ivy League

Fri, 25 May 2012 23:53:30 -0700

Dear Dad,

You are still alive, but the way you have treated me is almost as if you are dead. I call and there is no answer. I leave messages which are never returned, and your attitude toward me, which was once negative, is now non-existent. You do not know who I am, what my plans for the future are, or about my current relationship. I feel for you because you are missing out on something great.

I hope in the future you will be able to take responsibility for your actions, such as abandoning your first daughter, and I pray every day you will not do the same to my little sister. I hope that in time you will come to realize that you disregarded the most important and one of the most influential people in your life. I hope one day you will look at a picture of me and hear from the rest of the family of how I used my degree to influence just about every person I meet.

I really hope you realize Rutgers, Harvard, and Princeton were not for me. I hope you believe that even without a degree from an Ivy League school, I can still be successful with what I do. I hope to see you one day and be able to have a conversation without being blamed for being a stupid 16 year old. I hope in time you can see what I become without you in my life.

Sincerely,
Kris, age 19

As All Must Pass

Fri, 25 May 2012 00:01:48 -0700

Dear F.B.

What happened to us? It is amazing to think that all that was our friendship simply disappeared without warning; and without so much as an attempt at a fight to hold on to it. It is fairly clear to see that we are simply too much alike, you and I. Each too afraid to show or say a true emotion because of how much pain they have caused us in the past. It is funny to think that we both likely feel that it was the other who abandoned this ship so easily. We both probably think it is the pride and stubbornness of the other that kept them from picking up the phone and no doubt that is how it began for us both. Now though, after years, it is the fear of admitting to someone else that they matter that much. So we have done our best to convince ourselves that they actually don’t.

The saddest thing I suppose is simply that after so many years it has probably become true, we don’t actually matter to each other anymore, and that is indeed sad. Because once this was not so. No matter how much we wish to say otherwise; no matter how much we tell ourselves that it wasn’t so, there was a time when we did indeed love each other, when we did matter very much to one another. Neither of us likely knows how this happened, especially since we have both trained ourselves so well to feel so little. Perhaps that is why. Perhaps we both know that we were both so afraid of letting anyone in that we could not help but be connected. Either way, it was likely doomed, love or no, from the beginning. People like us just cannot overcome the fear, the fear of someone truly knowing us, of someone truly being able to hurt us.

But even still we could not bring ourselves to leave each other completely. Instead we danced around each other like fools and cowards for years, neither ever gaining the courage to take that step, to run that risk, to say the truth. And then the rings of our dance grew wider and wider, each pulling farther and farther away from the fear and from the possibility of truth. Then all it took was a slight nudge, a series of unfortunate events, and it was over. We had stood atop our walls looking, watching each other for years, and finally we cut and ran, hiding behind the massive bulwarks that had kept us save for so many years, against so many things. And now here we are, over four years later. Strangers to each other, having spoken not a single word since, not even trying. Despite this, still all too often on each other’s minds.

So I wonder, what has happened to us, my friend? I expect no answer. I only felt compelled to ask, to wonder. How could we have let it go this far? Such complete fools we are. We threw away a friendship, which had once been more, simply because we are both complete fools. Nevertheless, I wanted to at the very least end this in a more deserving manner.

I hope life becomes everything you had always dreamed. I hope that you are well and happy. I hope you get that big house with three kids, a girl and two boys, if I remember correctly. Most importantly, I hope that you achieve your full potential and never settle for less than you deserve. This is all that I ever wanted for you. This is all that I ever tried to encourage you towards, and I apologize if it ever seemed otherwise. I apologize if you ever thought I was not being supportive or demanded too much of you. I only know how much you are capable of; how much you can achieve if you only rise to the challenge, despite the great fear of failure. You once called me an honorable and noble man, so take this at my word that I bear no malice or hard feelings and only wish for you all the best.

I doubt that we will ever see or speak to each other again, so above all else I hope that the memories of our adventures are more good than bad, and I hope you have many more grand memories and adventures to come, only with new faces and in different places. Ultimately, all that is left to be said of us is that there was once a time when we were friends but that time has passed, as all must.

Goodbye,
B.B., age 23

Remember

Thu, 24 May 2012 00:01:40 -0700

Dear Nick,

I haven’t cleaned out my inbox for a while, Today I decided it was time. It’s a terrible thing looking back on the past, at how things used to be. I miss you. It pains me to say it, but I do. I know it’s been nearly five months now, and each day I think about you less and less, but today…Why did I have to clean out my inbox? Today, I found an email you had written me.

“…But you did help me, Candace, in ways you didn’t know. I thought you should know. And I will always remember you. No matter what happens between us. I will always remember you, and I will always be grateful for what you have done for me. And I hope you remember this, too. I hope you will always remember the life that you saved, even without knowing it….”

I don’t know if you still feel this way, but I will try my best to remember. If we should happen to see each other again someday, I will try and remember this, instead of how much you hurt me.

Candace, age 20

Awesome

Wed, 23 May 2012 00:01:10 -0700

Dear Elisa,

I never got to tell you this but you were the best preschool teacher ever. You were always fun to be around, and if something was boring, you always made it fun. Whenever you read a story, you read it with enthusiasm and you changed your voice whenever a character in the story was talking. If I got hurt, you always came over to me and said funny stuff that would make me laugh and feel better. But most of all, thank you for being awesome.

Love,
Bliss, age 9

My Brother

Tue, 22 May 2012 00:02:54 -0700

Big Brother,

Words can’t describe the feelings I have at the loss of you. You were my big brother and my hero. Not only my hero, but a hero to the United States as a Sergeant in the US Army. The last time I saw you was Easter day with your new girlfriend from New York. I didn’t realize or see all the pain you had built up. I couldn’t understand how someone like you could be so troubled. I am sorry I was not there for you when you needed me most.

I want you to know that I love you and that I am going to miss you for the rest of my life. I want you to know that you were loved by many and that many are missing you right now. What I am struggling with right now, is knowing that you were in so much pain and I couldn’t do anything to help you. You hid it well, and the reason being was you wanted everyone else happy before yourself. You loved everyone, and I hope you could see everyone loved you back. I can’t understand all of the problems you had, and I never will. I can’t walk in your shoes.

No one will ever replace you; there will always be a hole in my life that will never be filled. I recently met many of your friends from the military, and I am relieved to know that you were in good hands for the last six years. Spending time with your brothers, hearing stories, learning about the person you were has left me assured you were happy in their hands. They too are as puzzled and confused at the loss of you. We will never know if we could have been there more for you and that is what is bothering us the most. I haven’t talked to anybody about this since your passing, and I don’t think I ever will. I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know I’m going to miss you. I am unsure how my life will continue to play out from here, but rest easy knowing that I will always be thinking about you and trying to make you proud.

This doesn’t describe a fraction of the thoughts I have right now, but at least I can let you know how I feel, brother. You are loved, and always will be. I know you will be waiting in Fiddler’s Green, maybe I will meet you there. Until then keep telling stories and keep an eye out for me and the rest of your brothers and sisters. Take care of mom and dad, they need you, too. I love you.

Your Brother,
HD, age 21

I Will Always Love You

Mon, 21 May 2012 06:57:26 -0700

Dear Emily,

I’m sorry things had to end the way that they did. I’m sorry that I couldn’t control my temper, and I made you feel like such a piece of shit these last couple of months. Thing is, my unconditional anger was just my pathetic way of masking my true feelings. Truth is, I’m still madly in love with you, and have been this whole time. I know, you cheated on me and it completely ruined us, but deep down, my love for you never died. And I don’t think it’s ever going to die. Because you’re essentially everything I’ve ever wanted in a girl. You’re beautiful, talented, smart, funny, genuine, and easy-going. I just wish I realized sooner that I was letting go of the most amazing woman I’ve ever known.

But it’s too late now, I’m totally aware of this. I’ve driven you away with my bitterness. It wasn’t right of me to try and get you back after pushing you away so persistently. Honestly, it was always my plan to try and get you back this summer. It was selfish of me to keep it from you; maybe if I had told you my intentions earlier, it would’ve worked. But I waited too long, and now you’re over me. It saddens me greatly. I’m incredibly upset over all of this. To think that you’ve already gotten over me, when I’m still crying over our break-up, makes me feel like a pathetic little girl. You have to realize, though, that I ultimately just want us both to be happy. The distance killed both of us, and it’s going to kill both of us again after this summer. I know now that a summer fling is unrealistic, there’s just too much emotional history between us at this point.

I just want you to know that I will always cherish what we once had. You were my first love, my first lover, my first (and only) long-distance relationship; you were my first everything. I just hope that you always remember me as the caring boyfriend that I was, not the resentful ex-boyfriend that I’ve become. I really hope you realize that my anger towards you is just reflective of the fact that you deny my love. If you won’t let me love you, then naturally, my hate for you is going to come out. But I don’t hate you; I care about you more than any other girl I’ve ever been involved with. I hope you find what you want, and stay away from assholes. I really think you’ll look back on me in ten years, after being in love ten times, and realize that I was the best you ever had. I was the most caring, the most genuine, and the most sincere. Then, and only then, will we be together again.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever find love like this again. Not because I won’t find somebody, but because I’m truly afraid to find someone. I’m afraid to open up as wholly as I did for you, because it ended it such tragedy. My first love ruined love for me altogether. And it sucks, because I’m just such a hopeless romantic. If I don’t have the capacity to love, then what the hell can I do? I guess I’ll just float on for now, and wander about my life of confusion and discontent. Maybe one day I can be as happy as I was when you were in my arms.

With unconditional love,

Dylan, age 18

I'll Never Forget

Sun, 20 May 2012 08:55:23 -0700

Daddy,

It still doesn’t seem real. I can’t believe I’ll never hear your voice again. That I’ll never get to hug you, never get to see you again. This whole thing was such a shock, I still can’t get my head around it. I feel such regret, such guilt for all of the things that were never said, never fixed. For all the times I thought to call but never did, and for always thinking there was time.

But if I could see you again, one last goodbye, I wouldn’t want to talk about any of that. I’d want to tell you how much I loved you. Regardless of what our relationship was, I always loved you. I’d thank you for teaching me to love music, to love nature and animals. And I’d want to hear your stories. I’d love to hear you laugh. And I’d memorize your face, your smile. Because I don’t want to ever forget how you look. I don’t ever want to forget your voice. I’m so afraid of forgetting.

The last time I saw you, it was one of the best days we had together in a long time. I am so thankful for that. I wish I would have let my guard down, I wish I would have trusted that you had changed. I miss you every day.

I love you.

Bear, age 24

My Attachment

Sat, 19 May 2012 00:06:45 -0700

Dear D,

I’m sorry that I broke up with you and then dated your friend soon after. I think that you wanted to break up with me, too, but I couldn’t tell what was happening. I forget people oddly quick when I don’t see them for a while and it was hard to keep my attachment to you. I don’t know what would have happened but I only know that I was closer to you than I have ever been with anyone, and I feel so stupid for forcing you away. Especially as I keep finding how difficult it is to form new attachments. I don’t think it would have worked anyway, but I miss talking to you. Sometimes I think about going to that bench. I don’t know why I thought of you when I saw this site. I hope you’re happy, though.

From,
S, age 20

To Set Me Straight

Fri, 18 May 2012 00:01:41 -0700

Sister,

Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like if you were here. Here to guide me, here to help. I wish you were here to comfort me when I am sad, here to be there for me on my prom night making sure I don’t do anything too stupid. No one is here to do that for me, no one seems to mind that I’m ruining everything. I feel like if you were here, though, if you had your chance on earth, you’d be the bold one and set me straight.

So many times I’ve tried meeting you and tried getting to you, but I guess I just have to wait. I don’t want to wait, Sister. I need someone there for me, to pick me up and catch me from what I’m doing. I need my big sister.. I need to be told that what I’m doing is ruining my chances of what I’ve been striving for, what my life should be.

I wish I knew you. I wish you were here. I know you’re watching me, upset and mad at the world for not stepping in. But what can they do? I only want YOU to do that.

Much love,

Your ruined little sister, age 17

My Biological Father

Thu, 17 May 2012 00:01:42 -0700

Dear Dad,

Today marks the one year anniversary of your death, and although it has been 23+ years since I last had contact with you, it’s still hard to grasp that you’re no longer here. I’ve spent most of my life referring to you as my “biological father” because for me, that’s all you ever were. For some reason, the day I found out you died, I started referring to you as my dad (a title you don’t deserve). I am sad that I will never have the opportunity to ever talk to you or ask you any of the questions that at one time plagued my mind. I just never understood why you never tried contacting me or my brothers, or why you did the things you did. Though I already know some the answers to my questions, I just wanted, needed, to hear it from you.

I honestly can’t say whether or not I would’ve ever contacted you, but at least I knew I had the option/choice. It was difficult going to your memorial service and hearing your family say how much you loved me and my brothers, because that’s something I’ve always wondered about. I just wish it had came from you. But what was even more difficult than that was learning you had a 19 year old son with another woman and that you chose to be a part of his life. Which I guess I should be okay with because at least you had a relationship with one of your children. A part of me wonders if you were trying not to make the same mistakes with him that you did with me and my brothers, and if so, then I commend you for trying.

I know everything happens for a reason, and though you weren’t around for the better part of my life, I will still miss you and all the “what if’s” that could’ve been.

Goodbye.

The Daughter You Never Knew, age 32

Helped Me Get Right

Wed, 16 May 2012 00:02:00 -0700

To my Soulmate,

There was a time that I believed you were my soulmate. The man that would stand by my side through life. The man that would fix me. There was so much wrong with me. The insecurities, no self-esteem, no self-worth, jealous, a liar. All of these nasty traits and characteristics where the cause of all of our problems. Because I was searching for the answers in you. You were my strong man. The honest headstrong man that fixed everything…but me. I resented you for that. In my resentment I treated you poorly. I saw you doing so much for yourself and for others, and I believed you were doing nothing for me. But in reality, you were doing all you could. Loving me in your own way. I never saw that love. I never felt it. I was so consumed by my demons that I couldn’t see. I couldn’t feel. You gave yourself to me, mind, body and soul. I gave you my body; I thought I was giving you my mind and soul. I wasn’t. I was hiding it deep inside the dark corners of my being. Waiting for them to be found by the man I love. I was selfish believing it was your position in our relationship to find them, to fix me. This selfishness destroyed our lives. Financially, emotionally and physically.

But here is the tricky part. In a very twisted way, it was you that saved me. Your courage to be who you truly are is what saved me. It gave me no choice but to go searching within my darkest corners for myself. Because of this, you are my soulmate. A soulmate isn’t an individual that you will be married to till death calls you home. For me, my soulmate, is the person who helped me become the person I was always meant to be. The person I always was, but was so lost under all the clutter of it that I didn’t know I was.

I believe that no two individuals are destined to be soulmates. It can be one person for another but not for each other. You were my soulmate. I will love you eternally for your role in my life. As the father of our amazing children, and as the man that helped me get right. Now it is your turn to find yours. To find that person that will support you in becoming the person you’ve always been and the person you are meant to be. You may have found it here already. Only time will tell. I pray that you do. That you can feel what I feel within myself. Words cannot describe this feeling inside of me. It’s bright and it’s clean and it’s forever growing.

I’ll end this like this. May love and humbleness fill your life for the rest of your days. May you find what you always wanted from me, with someone who can appreciate and return all that you have to offer.

Thank you for the memories I hold in my heart.

J, age 30

Up There Watching

Tue, 15 May 2012 00:01:11 -0700

Grandma,

I know you are up there watching me grow up. Every year for my birthday, which is the first day of spring—March 21^st—I always ask to have a beautiful day. And almost every year, I get exactly what I ask for. It’s been 13 years since I’ve last sat with you in our family room. We were watching Unsolved Mysteries. I miss you so much.

I’ve grown up ever since you’ve died. I took care of myself, basically, along with my sisters. I wish you were here. You would be so proud of me. Actually, I know you are proud of me. I see you in everything, think of you daily. Not a day goes by that something doesn’t remind me of you. Come to me in my dreams, it’s been a while. Bring Grandpa, please. I would love for him to see me all grown up. I love you two so much.

Bri, age 21

My Heaven

Mon, 14 May 2012 00:02:40 -0700

Dre,

At 22, you met me. I had just gotten out of a Domestic Violence shelter. I was broken and alone with a baby. My life was full of so much pain. A helping hand is hard to find in this day and age; I guess I was lucky. Maybe it was fate, I don’t know, but it was something. You never asked me for anything, you just offered. You were a true friend. You helped me heal. You listened to what I had to say, you helped me learn how to trust again, and most of all you showed me that love doesn’t hurt, it helps you become a stronger and a better person.

Sometimes I think of how much you sacrificed for us. You were only 22 years old and you became a father to a child who had none, and were there unconditionally to offer support and advice. You are truly an amazing person. I feel like sometimes maybe people go through hell to get to heaven. You are my heaven. For the past five years, I have been your wife, and you have given me two daughters. Everything you do, you put us first. I love listening to your heart beat when you’re laying in bed, I love when you smile, and when you hurt, I hurt. Thank you. Thank you for it all.

BB, age 26

This Mother's Day

Sun, 13 May 2012 00:01:36 -0700

Dear Mom,

Last Mother’s Day, I did not pay enough attention to you. But this Mother’s Day, you’ll get breakfast in bed, and cookies and chocolate milk, and ice cream, and lemonade and tea, and of course you’ll get me!

Sara, age 8

Everything I Wanted to Say

Sat, 12 May 2012 00:01:34 -0700

To you,

I wanted to say so much to you during our last conversation. I booked the ticket because I wanted to spend time with you. I wanted to see you and tell you how much I’ve missed you. I still love you. I wanted to tell you that people come and go, but no one is you. I always think about you. You are apart of my thought process. You always have been. I am sorry about the way our relationship ended. I am sorry that I was so selfish with you. For all the hurt you felt from us/me, I am truly sorry. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t.

I can only make up for it. That is what I really want to do. I want to do all the things we talked about and I want to do them together. Still. I want us to be what we once were and more. I still love you. I know you are with someone and I wish you the best. Honestly, I do. You deserve great things. You are, by far, the best person I’ve ever met. I want you to know that if you ever feel like you miss me or want to give us another chance, I am always going to be willing, forever. It is really important to me that you know that. I’m always going to be willing because I know that no matter what I am doing or who I am with, I’m always going to love you more. I am never going to have what we had, with anyone else. That I can assure you.

Distance would never be the reason why we wouldn’t work out. Wherever you are is where I’d be. I promise you that. I do not want to cause you any headaches or disrupt your life. I honestly don’t. I want you to be happy. I promise that I will never contact you again after this. I just wanted you to know that I am always going to be willing to give us another chance. You were my best friend. You were my person. Honestly, I just want to be with you.

Dani, age 28

Letter To Nanny

Fri, 11 May 2012 00:01:45 -0700

To My Nanny,

I have a friend who lost her Granny last week. I don’t think about you enough, especially now that I’m not at home, but her sadness brought you back to me. I want to tell you a story about a day not long before you died. I had been ill, with sickness or something, and little G came home with an ice-cream, showing off in the way brothers do when they have something you don’t. I was so angry and jealous. A few days later he and Dad went up to see you whilst you were in hospital. They asked me to come but I’d been promised an ice cream on the first day I was better, so chose to stay behind. I remember exactly the ice cream I picked. You died a few days later and I never got to speak to you again. I can’t remember the details of your funeral but I remember the traffic light lollipop I ate as my brother said goodbye to you. It’s strange what we remember as we get older. People say that I shouldn’t regret the choice I made when I was so little but I do. How could I not? I was so selfish and stupid and small and I regret that I didn’t go and see you every time I think of you. Growing up, I loved you more than I loved anyone.

I’m so sorry for being so silly.

Love to you always,

Your first little girl, age 20

Family Fighting

Thu, 10 May 2012 00:03:30 -0700

Gramma,

I miss you so much. I don’t think my life could be more chaotic right now. Momma left her good boyfriend to go back to the one that made her treat me bad. Going two weeks without seeing your mother isn’t fun. And I know you would do something about it. And all this damn family fighting. You’re probably glaring at us all from heaven. I wish I had the power you did over them. Then maybe we’d actually like each other. I have an amazing boyfriend now, too. James. You’d love him, probably just because he makes me happier than anything ever would. I just wanted to tell you I miss you, I need you, and I’ll see you in a few decades.

Much love,

Your Gem, age 17

What Is Love?

Wed, 09 May 2012 00:01:18 -0700

Dear World,

I love you. I do not know the last time I said that to someone. I have been hurt so many times that I have tried to eradicate love from my life. I thought that if I pretended love did not exist, that I would never get hurt again. You tell me that I am a freak for not knowing love, that I am just looking for attention. You always look so happy, but I tell myself that you are living a lie. I am the one living a lie.

I know that I love my family and a few close friends, but I do not feel it. I feel nothing inside. I plaster a smile on my face so you do not ask questions, but I am screaming inside. I am not angry. I am not sad. I am not happy. I am nothing. It is impossible for me to feel anything.

I want to feel the warm sensation in my heart that everyone else feels. I want to tell my mom and dad that I love them. I want to tell my siblings that although I fight with them, I cherish them. I want to tell my niece and nephew I helped raise that I cannot envision my life without them. I want to tell my best friend that she saved my life. I want to tell you what I know, but I do not feel it. I want to know what love is. I want to be loved. I want to feel something, anything.

Claire, age 19