Dear Dad,

I fear that somewhere down the road you will forget me. In the last year, you have deployed and have remarried since mom. I know the cancer took her years ago, but I’m still here. I’m still the little girl you used to run around the baseball field with. Still the little girl that screamed from the stands at your hockey games. And do you remember that lost and afraid little girl that held so tight to you the first time you boarded that plane? I remember, and I’m still here. Your new wife hates my guts, and she wants me out. But didn’t you love me first? I have one last secret to tell you before I pack my bags this weekend. I enlisted. That’s right your only little girl leaves for boot camp in March. Crazy? Marine brat is how I grew up. I just hope this will make you proud. I love you, daddy. 

Forever yours,

Babybluu, age 19

Those who live in the Pacific Northwest, mark your calendars! On March 15th, we’ll be having a book launch event at Powells on Hawthorne in Portland! Details to come. Bring your friends and family and come celebrate!

Dear Grandma,

I wish I knew you more before you passed on. I’m not entirely sure how old I was when you died. I think I was 7, but regardless, it was too long ago to remember. I remember my mom driving my sister and I to the hospital when we heard the news. My mom left us in the car in the parking structure to rush to your hospital bed. I was too young to understand what was happening, so I didn’t feel much emotion, but now, over 8 years later, I often find myself thinking about you and the wonderful legacy you left behind.

I’ve seen pictures of you and I together as a baby. It’s hard to believe that I often times forget about all of those timeless moments of my young life. My mom tells us stories about how you and grandpa fell in love, and it inspires me to try and be the best I can for my girlfriend. I wish you were able to meet her. She’s wonderful. I know you’d be proud of me if you were here. I find myself in situations that question my morals, but then I think about how you’re always watching me, and I always do the right thing. 

You are the reason for my strong integrity, my endless compassion and my respectful doings. It’s been so many years, and grandpa still thinks about you. It tears me apart to think about how lonely he is now that you’re gone. I’m starting to cry, so I’m gonna end this with the parting message I wish I gave you that terrible day.                       

I love you.

Spencer, age 15

Dear Mom,

I know I’m very young and you aren’t sure if I understand life yet. I don’t want you to worry because, through all the mistakes you and dad made, I have come to understand the important things in life.

You made sure I always had a warm place to sleep and food in my stomach. You weren’t there emotionally sometimes, but I understand why you could barely feel. All the things dad put you through were bad. I went through a lot of the same things while you were at work. He tore me down with his words and sometimes I got hit, too. He was never a real father. He needed me much more than I needed him. All the while, you did your best to provide for me. I thank you so much for all of that. My life wasn’t the easiest, but I don’t blame you or even dad. I am okay with it. Without all of that I never would have become the girl that stands in front of you everyday.

I admit I have abandonment issues because of everyone leaving, but I realize there was always one person who stayed. My best friend of 8 years was there for me through everything. Without her, I would be dead. Many times I thought about suicide, but I knew that was giving up. You know I’m stubborn. I never give up.

I know it pains you that I chose to move out. I was holding you back. Your boyfriend lives in another state and I just can’t move in the middle of high school. This is where my life has always been. I know he makes you happy in ways a daughter can’t. So even though it hurts, it’s okay to go. You tried your hardest to be the best mom you could be. Your intentions were good. You didn’t go about things the right way, but what’s done is done. My sister is suited to take care of me.

Since I moved here two months ago, I have been so much happier. I have good grades. I’m stress free and I am being to love myself again. I know I am nowhere near perfect, but I love that. I’m different and unpredictable. I love you with all my heart and only hope you happiness. I forgive you for everything. I want you to know I sleep better now. I remember my dreams when I wake up. They are always happy. I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore. (Well I did once, but a boy broke my heart.) I haven’t thought about killing myself in awhile. I believe I am beautiful and worth something. 

I will never give up on my dreams because I saw what that did to you. I will not move quickly with a guy and will make the right decision the first time. Everything I have been through has made me a better person. I hope you’re proud of me. I’m sorry for all of the terrible things I have said and done to you. I’ll make up for it someday. Just remember, while your gone, to miss me. Call sometimes. I still write poetry, if you were wondering. Maybe someday I’ll get it published like you want me to. For right now, I’m going to go live life as a teenager while I still can. I’m going to stay up late with friends, have long talks with boys who will be forgotten in a couple of years, but I will stay safe. I will be the daughter you always wanted even though I wasn’t her when I was with you. I’m sorry.

With all my love,

Your baby girl, age 15

Dear Devon,

Love should set you free. After five years of being enslaved by our past, I am ready to find my freedom.

Cam, age 19

Dear Lora,

You left today with me wondering when the next time I’ll ever see you again will be. It may be years from now, it may be never. On Wednesday you leave to go to a college halfway across the country, and I have no idea what I’ll do once you’re gone.

We’ve been friends for eight years, but only in the last were we close. You were my best friend at a time when I needed one the most. Sometimes I wonder if I’d still be alive if you hadn’t been that one single point of light in my life. Your laughter was the most beautiful thing about you. I can’t tell you how much time and energy I put into trying to make you laugh. A smile would make my day, a laugh my week. For a long time you were a huge part of my life.

I know it was love because I’d sit and wait in my seat in third period, looking up every few seconds to see if you had walked through the door yet. I know it was love because when that asshole broke your heart I wanted to cry with you, and every time I see him to this day I want to kick his ass. And I know it was love because no matter what happened, I could never stay mad at you. All you had to do was smile and all animosity dissolved.

I’ve told you I loved you half a dozen times, but life never goes like fairy tales. Some loves are destined to be unrequited, affection may be a one way street. It is enough to know that you loved me as a friend. It is enough to know that I’m not the only one who’ll miss the times we shared, and dwell on them in months and years to come.

I don’t have half as many as I would like, but I will treasure every moment, every memory we shared. I still remember day the rain was pounding against the window, and you and I drew comic books and passed them when Mr. Demarco wasn’t looking. You really were a terrible artist.  Or how we could have a whole conversation using only facial expressions. Or last night when you came into my tent and cuddled up against me. With my arms around you and the feeling of you breathing against me, I cannot remember a time where I felt more complete, more content. Though you claimed your love was platonic, we knew there was something extra. It was a taste of what could have been, an act of love and intimacy that I will treasure.

Thank you for everything, Lora. I could write a letter ten times as this one and still not come close to putting to words what you’ve meant to me.

Love,

Joe, age 18

Hi Mom,

This is your little girl.  The one you loved so much.  The one you would give anything for.  Here I am.  I guess you just forgot where I was. 

It’s so sad what happened to you.  I saw you last when I was 12 and you were murdered when I was 13. I just wish that while you were alive, you would have been more a part of my life.  Maybe tried taking me away from the people you put me with.  Maybe you would still be alive, maybe you would be here for me. 

Right now, I’m not doing so well.  Could really use some of you guidance and advice, but I suppose for now I will just have to go by what I think you would say, “Be strong baby, Mommy loves you.” 

I’ve grown into this 20 year old girl now. I wonder what you would say to me if you could see me now.  Would you be proud?

I love you, Mommy.

Love,

Your Charly Brown, age 20

Hi Mom,

This is your little girl.  The one you loved so much.  The one you would give anything for.  Here I am.  I guess you just forgot where I was. 

It’s so sad what happened to you.  I saw you last when I was 12 and you were murdered when I was 13. I just wish that while you were alive, you would have been more a part of my life.  Maybe tried taking me away from the people you put me with.  Maybe you would still be alive, maybe you would be here for me. 

Right now, I’m not doing so well.  Could really use some of you guidance and advice, but I suppose for now I will just have to go by what I think you would say, “Be strong baby, Mommy loves you.” 

I’ve grown into this 20 year old girl now. I wonder what you would say to me if you could see me now.  Would you be proud?

I love you, Mommy.

Love,

Your Charly Brown, age 20

Dear Boy,

Why did you kiss me? Why did you tell me you loved me? Why did you tell me I was beautiful? Why did you know everything about me? Why did you make me feel so special? Why did I give my whole self to you, when you didn’t give yours in return? Why did I let you make me feel so worthless that I cut myself, shut out my friends and lost myself so that you were the only person I could turn to? Why did you play with my head, making me think there was hope for our relationship when there wasn’t? Why do you tell me you still care? Why do I believe you?  

Emily, age 19

Dear Grandpa, 

I am so lucky to have you as my grandpa because you helped keep Vietnam proud and happy. 

The thing  that I wanted to say to you is: why did you have to die on the day I was born? The day babies are born is supposed to be the best day of their lives. But the day that I was born was the worst day of my life. 

When I turned one the next year, I never smiled, even though it was my birthday. 

Now that I am ten years old, I’m still not happy. And that is all I have to say. 

Sincerely, 

John, age 10