To YOU,

It’s crazy.

Hands down, the three years I have been with you have been the most interesting, exciting, depressing, heartbreaking, exhilarating, years of my life! I feel like meeting you has been the biggest blessing, and at the same time, WHAT A MESS!

It can’t be healthy that half the time I’m with you I think to myself “How did I get myself into this situation?” You have hurt me in ways that I will probably never fully recover from. Could I ever get over infidelity, harsh words, or the feeling of loneliness? You have done things to me that are beyond my comprehension. When I say to you that I have been nothing but 100% faithful and put every last drop of energy I have into this relationship, it’s the truth. When I tell you that I will never do anything to hurt you or I love you more than life itself, I mean it. When you tell me that there’s no one else and you “promise” you’re not talking to that girl anymore, that you haven’t cheated, that you only want me for the rest of your life, it’s a lie. I can’t forget the nights you left and didn’t answer your phone, the way you would leave the room to make a call, the text messages, the phone calls, the emails; IT’S TO MUCH! You insisted that I was crazy to think anything was going on, when all the evidence was laid right out on the table.

I will never forget the sick feeling in my stomach when we decided to go through not having our first child. You can’t imagine the rush of feelings and emotions that go through a person’s mind. “We” made the decision (you), but I am the one it was happening to. When it was happening, I was so mad at you, so upset. I felt like this was all your fault, that you didn’t want to have it because of the other woman. I felt like I had no support from you to make the decision I secretly wish I had made. I remember crying my eyes out while I was back there, and then some Dennis Rodman look-alike comes in and “takes care” of the situation like it was nothing. I woke up in a chair, all by myself feeling completely empty inside. I felt like the worst person on the face of the earth. When I went out to the waiting room to greet you, it was like as if nothing had ever happened. There was no expression to your face. It almost felt like you were relieved.

I feel like I am harvesting all this resentment towards you, and taking it out on you every day. There are even times when I wake up next to you and just want to hit you so hard. I see you leaving to go out at night and I just want to jump up and down, point my finger at you and yell “Liar! Liar!” I feel like I am convincing myself everyday that everything is okay so that I can pretend to trust you and still be with you. Now it feels like you could do almost anything to me and it wouldn’t be a surprise and you couldn’t hurt me more than you already have. I am numb to literally everything. Although it doesn’t always seem like it, I can be a pretty understanding person so if there is a problem or something is wrong you can tell me. Let’s work it out, instead of you just running around with loose women. I feel like a small child sometimes because all I want you to do is just hold me and assure me that everything is going to be okay, even if it’s not.

The hardest part about our situation is: I am a fool for love. I am absolutely, indefinitely, crazy in love with you. You have made me laugh, cry, and hurl my guts out. You have brought me the biggest pain and the greatest joy. You know exactly what to do to make me laugh, and what buttons to push to drive me absolutely insane. Despite all the ups and downs, I wouldn’t change a thing (except all the bad things listed above).

Samantha, age 23