The Things You Would Have Said

Dear Mr,

I was once in love with you. It’s been such a long time… I still remember how happy you made me feel. I always looked forward to your classes, even though we didn’t talk much and I never had the chance to get to know you better. I felt instantly attracted to you, the fact that you were at least 17 years older than me didn’t matter at all. I loved you as much as a teenager’s heart can love someone.

It’s crazy how much I still miss you. I know you don’t feel the same way, I know I won’t see you again, but I think at least you deserve to know that somebody was once madly in love with you.

That’s all. Take care.

Always yours,

Once a student, age 18

Dear Granddad,

Whenever I think of you, all I can remember is that awful moment on the hill, on what would be one of the last summers I saw you. I was a petulant, angered teen and just wanted to have my own way all of the time. You were a man in less than perfect health (no one could have known the sudden circumstances of your death) who just wanted to enjoy a life that hadn’t always been pleasant. You told me, despite my repulsive mood, that you would do anything you could for me - cut your own arm off even. I walked away because I’ve never handled emotional situations well.

I probably didn’t even talk to you much for the rest of the holiday. Or the years. Just when we all came together in summer.

I can’t even remember the last words we spoke or even where they happened. It was such a long time from that day to your death hundreds of miles from us.

But I wish I would have told you how much you meant to me too. I love you. I’ve never been the same without you and I wish I would have talked to you more and found out more about your history.

I remember how kinds you were, how funny and loving and I think the world feels the loss of you as much as I do.

Please know I’m sorry and I’d do anything to have you back or change the way I treated you.

Love,
Tessa, age 20

Dear You,

You make me uncomfortable.

I don’t know if you this, I don’t know if you’re aware, or if you can’t tell because you’re uncomfortable too, or if you just haven’t noticed yet, but you make me so incredibly uncomfortable. This is because I’ll never be able to tell you who you are to me. Acquaintances at best, and I love to imagine all the beautiful things that must go through your head, all the beautiful things i’ll never get to know.

I don’t know if I love you, but I do know that I want to be around you all the time. I want to know you, I want to know why you are who you are, and what makes you happy so that I can learn how to make you happy.

I don’t know why I want you to be happy, but I know that it’s my fault for never having the courage to see if I love you, to see if I can help you. It’s my fault for never having enough courage to tell you that I want to explore you more than anything in the world and I’ll never get to.

Love or not love,
Me, age 17

To those with a disability,

I regret the day I did not speak up when I saw him ridicule people with disabilities. It is a day I struggle with often in my conscious. I have grown up knowing, caring for, and loving people with disabilities but my voice remained silent as he continued his act of ignorance. I chose not to act out of fear, fear of being singled out and ridiculed myself, rather than acting out of love.

It was someone stronger than me, a surprising someone, who spoke up as ally for those that were not even present. A confrontation I was too scared to make but relieved to witness. And yet, I am left with embarrassment. and shame Not speaking up is like being a part of it, as if I condoned his hurtful behavior or, even worse, chose to ridicule others myself. I think of the kids I watched my mother teach and tutor, these wonderful human beings who deserved more than silence from me that day. The kids whose unique qualities and strengths humble me as I think of how they shined through their struggles and triumphs. What they deserved was someone who was willing to be different, to speak up and open up to being vulnerable so that strength could stream out. They deserved an ally, not a coward.

I wish I could go back and be that ally. I am sorry I was not.

Working to be an ally, age 32

My love,

There have been more than one occasion when my family members made racist comments in your presence. Each time, I froze and felt like I was on fire. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid of insulting or angering my family, while both of us were insulted and angered. After the moment passed so many things rushed through my head about what I wish I would have said. “You racist bastards! You’ll never be half the person he is!” “My latino husband has treated me better than all of your boyfriends combined!” That was the anger screaming in my head. What I really wish I would have said is “That is racist, ignorant and offensive” and I wish I would have walked out. But I was weak.

I like to think if it were to happen today I would react differently. I want to be brave and strong for you because you always have been for me. If the roles were reversed, you would never speak to your family again if they insulted me like that. And that is what I will remember. You deserve me to stand up for you and not let their ignorance be ok.
Be patient with me. This awareness of our differences, even after six years, is newer to me than to you. I will do what I can to defend your honor because you deserve it more than most men I know.

I love you and I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. But I’m saying it now.

Me, age 24

E,

No matter what your friends have told you or led you to believe, my love for you is neither a mid-life crisis or an infatuation.

I love you!

It’s been over a thousand days, and I still miss you.

I’ve tried dating other women, but I just can’t get you out of my head and my heart.

If you ever come to realize how much I love you, then the door is open and I’d would be happy to try again.

Otherwise, I foresee myself living the rest of my days alone until they play the old George Jones song titled “He Stopped Loving Her Today” at my wake.

A, age 58

Dear Matt,

I need to consider myself a lucky one…

I have experienced a true love. A soulmate. The kind of love that runs so deep you wonder years later if it has somehow become apart of your blood. Moving thru your body as the very essence of life itself… a love that provides the oxygen you need to live even if it is now no longer present. The slightest memory of a time we shared now brings on a grimace of pain. A shortness of breath and a deep sigh of regret.

I have many regrets. You are my biggest. I thought I was being so clever by not “settling early”… instead I have now lost the biggest love of my life. I never even allowed myself to enjoy it fully. Cut off in the earliest of stages with the best intentions of those who imposed the severing of our hearts. My heart breaks again to remember that last night spent under the stars… full of stars and tears. A love so young yet so deep and true. You were my world and my future. Now almost 10 years later… you are married, have opened a successful restaurant, and I probably never cross your mind.

I need to move on and let you go. Even writing those words brings tears to my eyes and I lose my breath. I tried to erase you but you still haunt me. Your kind eyes. Your gentle spirit. Your undying love in spite of my terrible coldness. God you loved me. How could I have been so foolish to let you go?

I have written you many apology letters. None of which will ever reach your eyes now. However this is not one of those… apologizing to you. This letter is a thank you to you and an apology to me.

Thank you for allowing me to experience a love so great I will never ever forget it. Thank you for being an example of what unrequited love looks like. A role model in so many ways. I am angry at myself for only now coming to this conclusion. I love you dearly, and you will forever have a part of my heart. However… I need to move on. I need to go find love again. A true love like ours used to be.

I can no longer live in the past… the “what could have been”… I am missing out on the present because I am crying over a past that can never be my future. I hope I can now finally look back at your memories with a fondness that no longer clutches my heart and paralyzes my breath. I need this.

I have a wonderful man in my life now, and I need to be able to give him all the love he deserves. I cannot do that with you lurking in the dark corners of my memories. So I thank you, and I allow myself to forgive myself for losing you. It is a permission that I have never granted myself, and now I realize that you wouldn’t want that for me. So I need to go and live and love and grow and laugh and embrace my failures and past. For indeed I have been very lucky to have known and loved such a man as you.

Love,
Bird, age 27

Jasmine,

Man, it has been 5 and half years since you tried to take your life. It changed my life completely and opened my life to a better life with you and our son. Thank you for not dying on me.

It took everything in me to cut you down and revive you. I was horrified for months and months. The image of you hanging in the barn haunted for a long time. I still some nights wake up to that awful image.

I wanted to run away screaming but I didn’t. You opened your eyes two days later and I feel in love with you all over again. I probably won’t be on this Earth if you would of died.

We have been through alot and I know our love will only grow even more. You are a blessing and I would be lost without you. I have something to say to you.

I am sorry that I was such an evil beast and I wounded and broke your heart and soul so much that I drove you to try and commit suicide to escape me… but you succeed a different way. You left me and took our son completely away from me.

That broke me completely and humbled me so much. I wish you could see me now. I wish you could see that I am becoming the person you always knew I was. I miss you and Briar all the time.

I walk this Earth now with so much LOVE and compassion for all. I just can’t get to your heart anymore and it hurts but it heals me more and more each day. THANK YOU for leaving. Thank you for taking care of our son. Thank you for LOVING him more and wanting the best for him.

With that being said. Know that I will ALWAYS LOVE you and you will ALWAYS have a special place in My heart. Our son is like Me but like you also. I hear your name and I smile but I get tears in My eyes. You LOVED ME with ALL of you and yet I couldn’t give you My all. Now I can and you don’t want ME anymore….

I am sorry from the depths of My Soul, Spirit and with ALL My heart, body and mind. I LOVE YOU Jasmine and I LOVE YOU Briar……

I AM sorry. Forgive Me. I Love You and Thank you….

Sincerely,

Gabriel aka PuppyWolf, age 36
Te Amo Para Siempre Amor

Dear Jeff,

It’s almost been a year since you came back into my life. As I sit and look back it’s been a crazy roller coaster. This friend I had not seen from High School came back into my life at tough time for me and made my heart sing, gave me a smile I didn’t know I had. How things change. Something fell apart, walls went up, and when those go up it’s hard to be the person on the other side. I’m sorry I never said exactly what I felt I always was afraid to say the wrong thing and in effect that hurt me too. You are a wonderful, amazing, loving person and I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you wanted me to be. I’m sorry you always felt someone was going to hurt you…all, in all I’m just sorry..sorry that the smile will never..never be the same again. I’ll always love you..

Love,
Me, age 43

K,

Remember that day when you said my charm doesn’t work on you? Remember that day when I assholingly asked you how much you weigh? Remember that day when the two of us were watching Pitch Perfect in the middle of a rehearsal and we were arguing because I only wanted to see the parts where they were singing but you wanted to understand the story? Remember that day when we were dancing and you took your high heels off because you were too tall? Also that day when I took your hand to guide you off the stairs because you can’t see the steps with your gown?

Remember the days when we would get to school really early just to spend time with each other without (y)our friends seeing us? Remember the first time I called you just because I was bored and curious about what you were doing? Remember those days when I would pick three six-petaled White Angels and give it to you first thing in the morning? Remember when I left my sister’s parade just to make sure you get home safe and sound and then you hugged me for the first time?

Remember my Birthday? Remember the last Friday before the first Periodical Exam? Remember Jack and Rose? Romeo and Juliet? Us?

Well, I didn’t.

I didn’t remember all these when I left you. All I knew was that I wanted to leave. That I wanted to be free. But I had a reason, of course; I wasn’t happy anymore.

But I was wrong - and will never be more wrong. It was not even an “I am not happy anymore” situation. It was just an “I am not happy right now” situation. I could’ve saved it. I could’ve just calmed down and let that bad week pass without thinking it is because of you. I was so immature and irrational for leaving you. I mean, who the hell would let a girl who changed him so drastically go? Who the hell would hurt a girl who only wants to spend her life with him? Who the hell is that stupid? I am that stupid. I am, that stupid.

I miss the feeling of your hand in my hand, the feeling of your lips on my lips, the feeling of my lips on your hand. I miss that feeling when you smile for me, or when you pierce my soul with your eyes, or when you whisper really close (and hot) to my ear. I miss you - everything about you.

And I want you back, K. I don’t want you to move on. I don’t want you to hold someone else’s hand, I don’t want you to be kissed anywhere by someone else, ever. I am selfish. But I want you back, forever. I want you back so bad because I realized that I am nothing without you. That only you can tame my demons. That only you are the one I truly loved; and that I still love you - everything about you.

It still breaks my heart to see you crying. It even breaks my heart worse than it did when I can still do something about it.

Let me do something about it.

Your own Jack Dawson and Romeo Montague,
L, age 19

Dear C,

You would have thought I was still head over heels in love with you. You would have thought that I still cannot let a single day go by without crying for what could have been. You might think that I still hate you. You might think that I’d still do whatever it takes to get you back. That whenever I see you waiting for your crush in the hallways of our school building, I’d go curse that girl and feel so bad about myself.

But no. Not anymore.

I’ve always thought that timing was the one single reason why we didn’t work out. I keep on telling everyone that I’ve moved on, or that I’m in the process of moving on. It’s true. I can’t totally get rid of you because of the circumstances involving our block section. I can’t get rid of you, and you can’t get rid of me. So, we better just suck it up.

But the truth is, I miss you. I miss talking to you, I miss having to be the one who makes you laugh, I miss you making me laugh, I just simply miss your presence. What good does it make, having to see you everyday, just meters away from me, but not being able to talk to you like what we used to?

It’s been almost a year since all that. And lately, everything seems going back to normal. We’re hanging out again, talking like normal people without all that awkward stuff exes go through. So here’s the thing. I want this. I want this so bad. But I know in myself that it can never be enough. Every single day we get closer to each other once again just makes me want you more. No matter how many times I tell myself that you’re never gonna get me back, it just fades away the moment we talk. So, I’m just gonna wait here. I’m not assuming anything. Waiting doesn’t mean I’m hurting. 2 years left on our college life and desperate it may seem, I’ll always be here waiting. Waiting for the time when you will go talk to me and tell me that you wanted it all to go back to what it used to be. What you and I used to be before you left. And this time, you’re going to tell me that finally, our timing’s perfect.

Your Hi-C buddy, age 18

Amy,

What I should have said was that I’m a neurotic child who lashes out at others to compensate for the faults I find in myself. If I had told you this up front, then maybe things would have been different. What I should have said was that I’m quicker to point out flaws than bestow praise. Maybe you wouldn’t have had to guard your words for fear of engaging a grammar nazi. What I should have said is that meeting new people sometimes terrifies me. Maybe you wouldn’t have had to spend so much time defending my anti-social behavior to your parents.

What I should have said was nothing. Maybe you wouldn’t have felt guilty just for trying to help. What I should have said was “I’m sorry.” Maybe you would have stressed less. What I should have been was sorry. Maybe I wouldn’t be so now.

Respectfully,
MD, age 27

Dearest Halbes,

It’s New Year’s Day. Last night, my thoughts were going around and around in my head always coming back to you. I kept wondering if I should send you a message or if that would offend you. I don’t even know if you want to hear from me or if you’re glad to be rid of my drama. So I am sending this out into the universe hoping you can sense how much you mean to me, how much I hope that life holds only happiness in store for you and how much I miss our friendship.

I can’t listen easily to our favourite songs. It weighs down my heart so much. I often talk about the things you used to say and do and suddenly realize that I’m stuck in the past. Stuck, stuck, stuck. Walking across the Christmas markets this year I kept looking for a sun and moon feng shui light catcher like the one I broke years ago that your mom had given you. I so wanted to find one hoping I could send it to you and you’d realize all those things I can’t say. That I love you. That I never could forget the things that matter to you. That I’m helplessly stuck in my own maze of disconnectedness and that nothing of what I feel is your fault.

Soon it will be Marie’s first birthday and I hate not being in her life and yours, but it hurts so much. Knowing I will probably never have children of my own throws me. Everytime I see n pregnant woman, everytime my niece wants to play pretend that I’m her mom, pretty much all the time. I don’t know when I went from being ordinarily overwhelmed by the shit life throws at us to fighting for my life for the sake of the people I love and care about so much that they are the sole reason I’m holding on. You are one of those and I hope that I’ll win this fight and that I’ll have the chance to show you that I never left you behind and always held you close to my heart. I really hope that some part of you - despite time and distance - reserves a spot for me in your life until I am ready again to join the ‘living’.

Because I do love you.

Your clinically depressed ex-roomy and best friend,
Halbes, age 32

Dear Mom,

I thought a letter like this would start with fuck you. But I can’t be angry anymore. I spent twenty long years being angry and when I sealed my letter and sent it off to the judge, it wasn’t because I didn’t know if I could take the podium and look you in the eye in court. It was because I have always known how to write what I cannot say. And that letter didn’t start with fuck you, either. It told a story of a girl who wasn’t safe, a girl who has grown to seek her own safety whether or not it is given. I thought you owed me a childhood and happiness, but now I realize that only I owe myself happiness. I have sealed that letter and I have sealed away our relationship, but also I have forgiven. I pity you, Mom.

The last time we ever spoke, I asked you why, after kicking me out at fourteen for no particular reason, you didn’t contact me for four months. “I was your daughter,” I cried, and again you made excuses for the love you wouldn’t give. My happiest memory of childhood was one of the many times I ran away, huddled in the back seat of the car with my sister at night, wasting gas to stay warm. That was family to me. But now I have many happy memories. I have the love of my life and a safe home and an education and most of all, I have a future. I don’t know if I’ll ever speak to you again; I doubt it. But I am happy, Mom. And I hope to God you find some happiness in your world, I really do.

Sincerely,
C, age 22

Paul,

I’m tired. I’m tired of letting you down. Tired of never being enough. Tired of being stonewalled. Tired of being left. Tired of your wandering eyes.

I am tired of writing. Explaining. Crying. Fighting. WONDERING. Wondering, what it is, exactly, that you’re looking for and why any man would give a year and a half of his life to someone he found so unattractive and so unlovable?

All this time I rationalized for you. You were hurt. I thought years of pain were bringing you down and you were love-starved. I thought if we went slow, we’d be okay in the long run. 

But okay doesn’t cut it anymore. If okay means holidays without each other, I don’t want okay. If okay means overreacting to normal human emotions with a breakup (“for real this time”) only to come back two days later, I need not have it.

I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep waiting for you to wake up and love me the way I deserve to be loved.

You will be 41 in two weeks. If you haven’t learned how to keep good thing when you have it, there’s a small chance you ever will.

I want someone who is ready for marriage. Not the theory. Not the idea. Not the hope that when you finally do “it,” you won’t end up miserable like the people that got married because it was the thing to do.

You don’t have to worry about ending up miserable – you’re already there. Half your life is over and you have nothing to show for it except another failed relationship. 

Why would you ever subject yourself to this year long headache with me? In NYC? You live in the heart of the meatpacking district. The MECCA of sexy, skinny girls looking for traders. That is what you want, isn’t it? Someone “easy?” 

Because that’s what I want too. Easy. He will be sexy and skinny and our relationship will be superficial and I will never have to write him love letters like this. He will not make pasta from scratch or read poems or know that wearing socks with slippers is the appropriate dress code for kicking it back in a Russian household. He will never debate the Oxford comma with me or teach me the appropriate way to eat an oyster. When he goes to China on a business trip, I will never have to worry about him reaching out to me because he will not be going to China. He will never challenge me or force me to grow and he will never overlap with the hold you have on my heart.

I look back on how much I loved you and it makes me sick to my stomach. I loved you, all the time, without condition, and that is the only reason we lasted so long. I loved you when you were painfully under-slept and in those rare moments you showered me with beautiful, unadulterated affection. The truth is, I know we both can be happier.

And here I am now, releasing you. I couldn’t give you happiness, so now I’m giving you the only thing I can: my blessing to go find it.

Natalie, age 22

Dear Emily, 

When we first me you were only 16 and I was 19. I would flirt with you all the time, although I’m not sure if you noticed or not. I knew that it wasn’t ok for us to be together as I was in college and you were still in high school, but I still had feelings for you and would think about you all the time. Then when you came to the same college as me I was incredibly happy, but at the same time, I didn’t want to start a relationship when I was graduating only three months later. So instead of hanging out with you, I allowed you to go your own way during the brief time that we were reunited. Now that you are 20 and I am 23, I wish I would have said something to you sooner, or even that I could have the courage to say something to you now.

I know that we want different things out of life, but I would give all of those things up in order to be with you. You are the most beautiful, intelligent, funny, sexy, and wonderful woman I have ever met, and instead of taking a chance and risking it all, I’ve been to afraid of being rejected. All I have had the last four years are hopes and dreams that somehow we would be brought together, but instead of making that connection happen, I’ve been clinging to those feelings out of a fear of losing that hope forever.

My desire to be with you is now being pitted against my dreams about us being together, and I don’t know if I have the courage to risk my hope for the real thing. I wish that I would have told you everything the moment that you turned 18. Every year for your birthday I planned on confessing and giving you a bouquet of your favorite flowers: white daisies. Instead, with each passing birthday I get less and less likely to express my love towards you, silently telling myself that you aren’t interested and will be better off without me; that it could have been beautiful, but we just weren’t meant to be together.

You are the piece missing in my life,
John, age 23

Dear M,

Whenever we speak, we go around in circles. In the end it all ends up the same way it always has and we both just feel pain. I always say I have said everything I have needed to, but it’s never the case; I always hold back because the truth is, I worry I will hurt you too much by being brutally honest.

I wish I could tell you to stop being a victim.

I wish I could shake you and tell you to be responsible for yourself and your behavior and your actions and stop blaming the world for what has gone wrong in your life and what will continue to until you take control of it and yourself and admit to your part in all of it.

I wish I could stop blaming everyone else for what has gone wrong in your life and hold you responsible for your actions and behavior and accept what has happened between us.

Some days I really hate you, I hate your depression and your addiction and the fact that you chose them over us.

And I hate that I don’t really know how you are feeling and what you are going through and how to help you. I feel selfish that I feel better when I don’t think about you.

I feel bad when I enjoy myself and forget about you. I don’t know how to be your friend. There are too many things unsaid and unresolved to just move on as friends and it never seems to work when we try because of it.

I wish I could cut you out of my life until I feel better.

I hate that I’m still defending you to people I love and love me and you never defended me in the first place.

Not when I was the only one helping you or looking after you, nor before. 

I just want to accept the past for what it is and let go.

I want to stop making excuses for you and for me too and I want to hold you responsible forwhat went wrong even as much as I do myself, despite of your struggles.

I hope you can make peace with your past and focus on the present, I hope you find your happy
place and I’m sorry I couldn’t take you there.

“If you tell a truth it becomes a part of your past, if you tell a lie it becomes a part of your future.” 

This is what you never understood.

And that is ultimately why things fell apart, and it’s not to say you weren’t suffering or still aren’t, but there comes a point in everyone’s life when you need to decide when enough is enough, when you can no longer try for someone else when they don’t try for themselves.

But I’ll never say all this to you, because even with the distance between us now I would never desert you and all you would have to do was ask and I would be there to get you through anything you needed, even when you don’t deserve it, because that’s how love is.

Hopefully one day that love will be a healthy love of a dear old friend and the past will just be the past and the future is bright for both of us in our chosen lives.

I wish you nothing but good things, and for me too,

J x, age 29

Dear Jackson,

I don’t know if you knew this, but I was in love with you for so long, maybe five years or so. And recently, I have died watching you being enamored in her. I guess it fits; you are the painter.

You showed me the world in ways I hadn’t seen before. I had been a creature of the dark for so long and you showed me that the daylight was as beautiful as anything in the dark. You taught me a lot, even though you won’t believe that.

I had started to hope that you had felt the same for me after all the nights we spent talking, but I guess not. And maybe I was keeping you from something or someone you wanted that would make you happy. 

The rumour mill is dreadful, but I’ve heard about you and her. And I know you feel what I felt for her, so go get her. You deserve each other, because I want you to be happy, and I want her to be happy.

Maybe it’s true, if you love something let it go. And I’m letting you go now, and besides you did keep your promise too. You did let me go, you set me free, now I’m returning the favour.

I love you, but you’re not mine.
Amber, age 16

Dear Ry,

Not a day goes by that I don’t replay the last night I had with you here on this earth. I am haunted by the events that went on before you left us, what if we hadn’t done all the things we did that life changing night, would you still here today? What if I had stayed on the phone and comforted you more? What if I had known that while you cried on the phone to me that that would be the last time I would ever hear your voice? What if I thought twice of how many sleeping pills you took? Could I of stopped your fate? What if I had stayed over and slept next to you, like I always did, would I of known that something was deeply wrong? All of these questions are ones I can never answer now…but I’m haunted by the fact that you were by my side for 2 years and I was so blind to your pain. I can’t help but blame myself for your mother, brother and friends losing you so abruptly…and yet I am still here…we both did the same amount of drugs, but God took you and not me. I hate that you got to leave this cruel world and escape while I am kept here to pick up the pieces…I ask myself everyday why it was you and not me, but again, that is a question I will never be able to answer.

As much as I blame myself for the events leading up to your death, I also blame your boyfriend. He emotionally beat you to the ground until you no longer had the strength to get back up with no hope to keep on living. That’s not what love is and I wish desperately that you had saw that. Not even a month after we buried you he had moved on with someone else…if only you could of seen what little part he would of played in your extraordinary life you lead. You are so much better than him, even in death. It’s not fair that someone who encouraged you to die gets to stay here and live on happily while the rest of us are so damaged by your passing.

You always promised me that you would never leave me alone in this world, sadly that didn’t happen. So here I am, left with the shattered pieces of our life together, left to explain the events leading up to your death to your mother, your little brother and your father…words I never thought I’d ever have to say. They say that to die would be an awfully big adventure and I cannot wait until I can join you on that adventure. Till then my beautiful blue eyed boy.

K, age 20

Dear Auntie,

Just recently the anniversary of your passing came and went. I tell myself every year that it’ll get easier, but the truth is that it never feels any easier. I miss you more than any letter could ever begin to describe. You were the mom I needed when mine wasn’t there, you were the voice of reason when the world got crazy. You were always so willing to tell it how it is and I respect you so much for that. I never got to tell you how much you mean to me and how grateful I am for all the memories that you gave me. It is because of you that I am the person that I am today.

Love you,
Sam, age 24

Dear Tom,

I went to your funeral yesterday. I cannot begin to describe what a shock it was to get the phone call this week telling me that you ended your life. You made a tremendous recovery from your recent heart attacks, started volunteering in the community, and had even taken up a new hobby–writing. Everything looked like you planned to be around for as long as possible.

We met in college. I was a traditional-aged student and you were in your late forties. We hit it off very quickly. You never had a child and I was struggling with my relationship with my father, so we “adopted” each other as honorary father and son. Without your support and encouragement I likely wouldn’t have graduated from college. I am now a college professor. A great deal of my success is thanks to your support and the example you showed by returning to school to finish the degree you had started decades earlier. You wouldn’t let go of the dream of completing your education.

You had a much worse relationship with your father than I did. Your father beat and abused your entire family before dying when he was in his thirties and you were a teenager. In all the years since his death you were haunted by the abuse you endured. You spoke about it regularly and had trouble letting go and living in the present. This seriously impacted many of your relationships for the rest of your life. Your divorce a few years ago was largely a result of your struggle to be fully present in the here-and-now. Your wife just couldn’t listen to the old stories from your childhood any more. You were both good people, but she couldn’t continue living in the shadow of the abuse you endured from a man who had been dead for more than 50 years.

The writing you took up recently focused primarily on telling stories of your troubled childhood. You wanted everyone to read them while you watched. This was awkward, because no one knew how to react while reading graphic details of unimaginable child abuse, as well as the details of your divorce. You wrote exhaustively, had a few public readings, and hoped to be published one day. You were proud of your new pastime. I was pleased that you found a new creative outlet, but was concerned about your fixation on the past. We had talked about that for years. We couldn’t agree about whether or not this fixation was purging, as you insisted, or ruminating, as I suggested. You shared your writing with your therapist, but I don’t know what she thought about it. Many of us who loved you tried to encourage you to enjoy your retirement and to focus on your life now.

Although you suffered with depression throughout your life, you had a great sense of humor, an infectious laugh, and the “gift of gab”. When you were around and living in the present, you were the life of the party. You were the party. You were also a kind and giving man. In your retirement you did volunteer work to help residents of the local nursing home, as well as hospice patients and their families. You even won the Volunteer of the Year award at the nursing home you loved to visit. But your father’s ghost always eventually caught up with you, and this week he got the better of you.

I have such conflicting emotions about what you did. I am relieved that you are no longer in pain, but am hurt that you did not let anyone know how bad the pain was toward the end so we could help, or at least have the opportunity to say goodbye. I am angry with your father for treating you the way he did, and I am angry with you for allowing his abuse to consume the rest of your life like a cancer.

I am grateful for my time with you and the lessons you taught me. You taught me how to be resilient. You taught me to work hard in school–we always competed for the top score on tests we took in the classes we had together. You taught me to believe in myself and to not let anyone stop me from achieving my dreams. Without your knowing it, you also taught me to choose carefully what I hold on to from the past. It is good to hold onto some things, but dangerous to hold onto others. You held onto your dream to graduate college and you did it, earning your degree with honors at the age of 50. But holding onto your difficult childhood led to suicide. Now I am learning from you to let go. I am learning to let go of grudges from the past so I can be happy today. But I am also learning that I have to let go of you. That too makes me angry. But I’ve learned that I will have to let go of the anger and hold onto the lessons and good memories if I want to be happy. Good bye, Tom. I love you. 

Your Honorary Son, age 44

Dad,

I was only four years old when you passed but it’s taken me these 15 years to truly realize the extent of my heartache and pain. I miss you everyday and as I grow and become my own person, there’s nothing I want more than to tell you about my friends, my accomplishments, my dreams, my everything. I wish I could’ve gotten to know you over my life time and been able to see you through more than a just child’s heart and eyes. But, the memories I have of you are my most treasured and I will always see you as the best dad I could have ever hoped for. Lately, I’ve been looking for a sign, any kind of sign, to know you’re proud of me, to know you still watch over me. There’s nothing I want more. I truly hope to see you, hug you, and talk to you again one day.

I love you forever.

Sarah, 19

Tristan,

Mommy loves and misses you so much. It has been 10 years, almost to the day, since you passed away and not a day goes by that I do not think about you. Your daddy, brother, and sisters think about you all the time, too. I don’t understand why you had to go through all of the pain and sickness that you endured at such a young age. I think back and wonder if there was anything I could have done to stop you from being born so early. I wish I could hold you one more time and tell you how much I love you. Our lives will never be the same without you. I want you to know that even though you were only here for six and a half months, you changed our lives forever. I have found a way to focus some of my sadness and use it to help others. I am going to school to become a grief counselor. Every person that I help will be helped because of you. You will be in my heart forever. 

Love Always,
Mommy, age 29

My first love K.,

Lately, I have been thinking if I should write this and publish it here, and I decided to do it. I’ve become attached to this site. And maybe someday you will read this.

I have so many words left to say I that could not tell when we met the last time. I always felt more comfortable to write you than to tell you something serious in person, and that’s how the first time I expressed my feelings towards you long ago. It was a night of a victory to me when you replied that you felt something towards me as well. And then the second victory was our first kiss, I still remember it, and I went back home as the happiest teenage girl on earth! Gosh! You really made me happy. Thank you. :) Sometimes I wish I can go back to that night. Trust me, I wouldn’t change a thing about it! But I’m not a teenage girl anymore and victories changed into a lost battle when we had our last kiss in the airport in that country where I made my last move to get closer to you but it didn’t work. It simply broke me into pieces.

Deep down I wished you ran back to me and told me that we can try, at least we could try to make a chance for our story, to make a chance for us, but you just turned your back and left and I was staring at you leaving. That moment, I knew we will never be what we were again, and that I might not see you again. I’ve been in love only with you for three years, you were my first and my last option, and you were always there somewhere in my soul so I could not see anybody else except you. You were my world… Or that’s what I thought. 

Fifteen days ago when we met again has completely changed me into another girl. I was living in the illusion and got lost in the fantasy that one day you’re going to run back to me and tell me you’re sorry for what you did and that you love me and I’m enough for you and you’re never going to disappear, ever again. It’s all funny when I look back now. Tomorrow is my birthday and you woke up a new girl in me. I’ll start my 22 with a different feeling. Finally, I’ll breathe in a different way. The pain I was holding for so long was so great that it destroyed me. I don’t think I could ever get hurt like that again; I locked that sensitive and emotional side of me away. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll be able to feel deeply again. Only if I’m lucky enough, then someday I’ll meet that special man who will bring it back, and to whom I’ll be good enough. Till then, I’ll enjoy being with others only for my own benefit. 

I gave you more than enough chances to make things right and you didn’t. I opened myself up to get cut wide open. I finally moved on and I’m happy, nothing holds me back to you anymore. It’s sad, but I can’t lie. That’s something I never thought I’d say. I never pushed you away; it’s your own doing, and I’m not writing this out of anger, no. I’m writing this because I know that no girl will ever amount to what I was for you. No girl will ever feel for you the way I did. Maybe the same will go for me. There’s never going to be another guy that is just like you.

Darling, If we’re meant to be, we’ll find each other again one day and maybe, maybe I’ll fall madly in love with you again, just like before, and If not; then I really hope you find happiness in the decisions you made, because God knows I would never have chosen this for us. But I also can’t fix what you created, and I don’t want to anymore.

I hope you’re living your life the way you hoped to.

Sincerely,
N., age 21

Dear Bryan,

I saw you every now and then in high school and I had some classes with your sister. Two years ago, I heard you were diagnosed with cancer. I felt bad…Why does that have to happen to someone so young? I didn’t want to try to be friends with you just because you had cancer (now I wish I would have been a friend because you could have taught me so much). I watched as the whole school came together to support you. Everyone was your friend. I couldn’t figure out why you had such a large fan club–I figured it was just everyone pretending to be your friend. I realize now that I was completely wrong.

The Facebook page that was made for you made me realize that you were a great person. You fought this cancer with a constant smile on your face. Nothing was going to bring you down. Because of this, you had support from everyone around you–no one wanted to see that smile leave your face.

October 11, 2013 you died. The cancer finally took you, but it did not beat you. Even until that last moment, you were still full of hope. You didn’t let your cancer define you. You died just days before your golden birthday…you only had to fight another 6 days. I realize now that you let go so that you didn’t have to suffer on your birthday…you gave yourself the best present you possibly could have. 

Everyone is sad that you are gone, but at the same time, everyone is happy that you no longer have to suffer. You didn’t deserve the pain you went through. You are a great role model for everyone. You showed me that I shouldn’t sweat the small things. Life isn’t about what obstacles you have to face; it’s about how you face them. I wish so much that we could have been friends, but I realize that if you had not had cancer, I would have never known you. I would not have learned from you as I have now. I really hope you are resting peacefully, Bryan. You are missed by all. You have touched an entire community. 

Forever Touched,
Your Fellow Classmate, age 20

Ma,

The night I received the call that you had suddenly passed away I felt like I had just lost my best friend. It has been three years since you have been gone but sometimes it feels like you are still living overseas and we are waiting for you to visit your family here in the states. I never got the chance to tell you that you were one of the most wonderful women I feel blessed to have had a good relationship with. You were smart, kind, funny, and very generous with your time and love, traits I see in you grandsons.

When I married your son 21 years ago you welcomed me with open arms into the family with no questions asked. You made me feel relaxed and comfortable right from the start, thank you for that! I will always cherish the times we would spend hours talking on the phone, mostly about nothing. Thank you for all the advice, love and support you gave unselfishly throughout the years you were here with us. We miss seeing and talking with you but we know that heaven has gained a beautiful angel, who will never be forgotten!

Love,
Your daughter-in-law
Diana, age 40

Dear M,

It has been fun while it lasted. Our college days are nearing it’s end and I cant stop thinking of how life would be so much different without seeing you everyday like I used to. When we are together, the feeling is incomparable. It feels like I am invincible, like time is at the palm of my hand, time just stops when I am with you. When I’m with you, I feel so secure, so comfortable, so carefree. You are the closest to home that I’ll ever be.

Thank you for being with me during our college days. Thank you for saying that I am not as weird as I thought I was; for silently saying that I don’t have to go through this alone. If it weren’t for you, I would probably be walking on my own, probably drink til the lights went out, or just feel depressed or uninspired. THANK YOU for staying with me. I wish you knew how much I treasured this friendship of ours. 

I miss you but I don’t want you to miss me back because I don’t want you to feel the same heartache that I am feeling right now. I hope that I could see you soon enough so that we could go back on laughing at the small petty things because honestly, all that I am after is a life full of laughter as long as I am laughing with you. :-)

Sincerely yours,
N., age 20

Dear David,

There are so many things I should’ve before letting you go. As you stood there, in front of me, prepared to say goodbye, all I could think about was shouting to the world how much I love you.

I should have said don’t go. Stay.
I should have said hug me. Don’t let me go.
I should have said don’t leave me. Cause I love you.
Why didn’t I? Because it would be selfish. Going away is part of your life. Your happiness is mine, I couldn’t ask you to stay.
A kiss was all I wanted. Not a kiss on the cheek.
I will always love you, you know that.
I should’ve said don’t forget me, instead of “have fun.”

Everyday I wake up, you’re my first thought as well as when I go to sleep. It’s a nightmare that haunts me even when I’m awake.
I wake up every morning with the little strength I have and carry on with the day with the hope in hand that yours was better.

I think about how lucky the people watching you smile right now are.
I think about you.
I knew I’d miss you I just didn’t now I’d miss you like this.

C., age 18

Granddaddy, 

Well, granddaddy, it will soon be a year since you have passed away. I still cannot wrap my mind around that because it still feels like yesterday that I lost you. I miss you so much but I know that you are in a better place. God saw your suffering and I am glad that he took you because he loved you and needed you to be ok. I didn’t understand it and didn’t want to, but God knew better. Good news, granddaddy: our wish has finally came true. mom and I have gotten along since you have left us. We are now closer to each other than ever before. You must have had a conversation with God regarding us.

Thank you so much for that, I finally got the mom that I have always wanted. You are still looking out for us even though you are not here physically with us. Thank you again and know that your family misses you so much and love you. Until we meet again, I will remain strong for you because I promised you that and so far I have kept my promise. I will never let you down, granddaddy. Love you forever!

Your oldest granddaughter,
Nikki, age 32

Love,

I know we can’t be together anymore. I know its because you have so many problems to work out for yourself. I wish I could be there to help you with everything, but I know that you needed more than what my love could give you. I pray for you everyday that you will have a great life. I will always hold on to that glimmer of hope that one day you will be able to be the father to our daughter and the lover to me that I know you truly want to be in your heart.

I feel sad when I see you in a bad state. I have forgiven you for everything you have done wrong to me and I know you regret it. I hope you can learn the meaning of true love. Although I don’t know for sure if you ever truly loved me, you were my first true love and I will always be your love forever. I wish you all the best in life. I hope you will see the truth of my love one day.

Sincerely,
Your love forever, age 28

Grandma,

I never had said goodbye. You wanted us to remember the way you were, not when you were sick. I always remembered you prim and proper during the day. At night, curlers in your hair and cream all over your face. Always getting up at 6 am to make us breakfast and having your make-up on before anyone could see you. The times we had at the kitchen table with bowls of ice cream talking about the future and trying to guide me in the right direction. I have always remembered the phrase you used to say to me: “You can do anything you want, no one can stop you.” Now that you are gone, I am going to school and doing what I want to do. You gave me the power, I just did not see it at the time. I want to thank you for giving me the courage that I have today. You are my strength and I know that you are looking down at me with the bowl of ice cream saying, "You can do it.”

With Love Always,
Jenn, age 37

Dear Jadey, 

I think about you every single day. Even though it’s been about a year and a half, it still doesn’t seem like you are gone. It just seems like you’re away at school and I just haven’t talked to you in a very long time. 

Thinking about that day when I found out still makes me cry and I relived every moment that happened until the day of your funeral. I was shocked to find out you took your life and even more shocked that you did not come to me for help or a cry out. You were the happiest person I knew. I never saw you angry one time. You listened to your iPod in class instead of being the goof ball that you were every other day. I didn’t think about what you were going through or why you seemed so upset. You hid it so well that you were planning your death. You were the last person I thought would commit suicide. I still hate saying that word and saying you’re gone.

I feel bad for your family, your mom especially. She hurts every day knowing she lost you and she couldn’t do anything to save you. I think about her a lot, too. We talk about you and how we miss you. She loves you more than anything in the world. And the day before your funeral, your dad got baptized for you. He wants to be with you when it’s his time. I haven’t talked to Jasmine because I don’t want to bring you up and her not open up to me. I’m really mad at you, though. I’m mad you didn’t come talk to me and tell me you were hurting so bad. I felt like a big sister to you and that I had to watch out for you and everything going on with you and Timmy. I feel like I let you down and it killed me to know that I was going to text you to see if you wanted to do something that night and I didn’t because I was tired and just wanted to watch TV with my mom. I think about ways I could have done something to help you. But I didn’t and you’re gone and I can only hope that you’re listening when I talk to you and that God tells you I pray about you and your family…I miss you so much. The things that I miss most were you shouting my name down the hallway, you drawing on my math notes and your laugh. That brightened up my days.

I wear your bracelet every day, I never take it off; it’s always with me. I have a ribbon of you at school because that’s where I feel closest to you. I’m planning on getting a tattoo of ‘believe’ on my foot for you. So that even when I’m old and wrinkly I will still have something to remember you by. I’m doing a Suicide Awareness walk on Saturday. I hope you’re there with me and I hope you know I still think about you every day.

I miss you.
Madeline, age 20

Dad,

It is almost ten years since you have been gone. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I see you in strangers’ faces when they pass me by. I hear your voice in a crowded store. I smell your scent every time I go to Papa’s house. I miss you so much, Dad. It gets hard to go on sometimes without you, but I know you are guiding me and helping me get through this crazy life.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you took your last breath. I wanted to be there, but I couldn’t get there in time. I’m sorry I stayed away so much while you were sick. I had a hard time seeing superman get sicker and sicker every day. I should have been there. Your last words to me always brings tears to my eyes. I love you too, daddy! You were an amazing man. I wish you could be here for whenever I get married. I don’t know how I am going to walk down the isle without you. I don’t know how I am going to get through my future wedding without you by my side calming my nerves. I love you forever, daddy! Until the next one, keep on trucking up in heaven!

Love your baby girl
Beca a.k.a Frog eyes, age 29

My first baby, my first love,

I wish I could tell you: I know I’m a loser. I know I gave up. I got defeated. I did not know my rights. They stole you from me, and I thought I deserved it. 

Gavin, I left you at home and went two blocks down the road to get some Tylenol PM because I was drunk and you were asleep. I got pulled over and went to jail. It was so stupid. I don’t know why I left, I really thought I would be back in five minutes. I hate myself for what I did. I’ve never told Grandma or Grandpa, but that is what happened, and now you know.

Maybe I really did deserve to lose you. I’m so sorry, baby. That’s why I got so screwed up on drugs, I gave up. That’s why I never fought to get you back; I thought I deserved to get you taken away, but you never deserved that. My life has been so bad since then. Even though I have two other children, you are my heart, my soul, my first true love. I wish I would have known better, I would have done better. I just pray we haven’t lost too much time.

I know our relationship will never be what it could have been, but I love you with all my heart and hope that you can forgive me for giving up and not fighting for our life.

I’m sorry son,
Your mom, age 35

Grandma,

I made a promise to myself last summer to see you as often as I could because, well to be honest, you were my favorite person to talk to. We would tell each other how messed up the world was and how we would make a change. We’d stay up late watching old TV shows and talking about the old times you had with Grandpa. I always dreamed of having a love like yours. I couldn’t wait for the semester to be over so we could spend a lot of time together, but once it ended, I started to pick up more hours at work. I should’ve just said no to work in the beginning.

One morning in early June, I had got a text from Rachael saying that you weren’t doing good, and that I had better come visit you at your house because Donna and Tim would be taking you to the hospital. I knew that you had a little stomach bug earlier that week, because I was supposed to come spend the night with you but you told me you weren’t feeling good. In my head, I felt it was nothing serious and that we would get our sleepover soon. But in reality, when I went to your house, I lost it. You weren’t yourself. You were just skin and bones, you couldn’t walk or go to the bathroom by yourself and you weren’t conscious of people surrounding you. I didn’t understand what happened and I don’t think you knew either.

You should’ve seen Mom; it tore her apart that she wasn’t in the state when you were in the hospital. She loved you and respected you so much. It ripped apart my heart seeing her so upset. When I would visit you in the ICU, I tried spending as much time as I could with you because at that time, I wasn’t sure how much time I would get. The doctors weren’t even sure if you were going to make it throughout your first night because your body was rejecting the liquids being put into it. Somehow, in my heart, I knew you were one to fight and you’d make it. You were the strongest woman I knew and Mom definitely takes after you and Grandpa a lot.

I made a hard decision during your last week. I had to decide if I wanted to go to Florida to spend time with T.J. and his family and see you a week and a half afterwards, or to stay with you. I wanted to go to Florida to take a nice break from everything going on, but I knew that I would hate myself more if I would’ve gone and something were to happen to you so I chose to stay by your side. I realized that I never appreciated everything that you’ve done for me and the rest of the family as much as I should have and it hurts me still. When I got word that you had a double hernia and made it through surgery, I gained hope in that you’d recover, but then things got worse. When you had the massive heart attack, I knew that it wouldn’t be long until you were gone from this world and I couldn’t wrap my head around it. The doctors brought you back to life twice and by that time, I just wanted you to rest easy because in my heart I knew you couldn’t fight this battle forever; the odds were against you, unfortunately.

When you passed, part of me had a hard time accepting it but felt relieved that you were in Grandpa’s arms now, that you were safe, but I just needed a sign. The night that you passed, after we all got home from the hospital, Barb sent us a picture of this rain shadow that was in the form of a heart and I knew it was you letting me know you were with Grandpa and that you were okay and safe.

Honestly, I still find myself crying a lot at night wishing that I could come to your house and tell you about my good grades and about how my music is going. I didn’t even get to tell you the amazing opportunities I got this summer with my music. But I wrote a song about losing you and how I wish that I could’ve had you stay. When I played it at the biggest show of my life, I felt you there, smiling down on me and the sun came shining down and I knew you were there. Thank you for watching over me and keeping me safe. And even though you won’t be there physically for a lot of special moments, you will ALWAYS be in my heart.

All my love,
Megan, age 21

Hi,

I don’t know if you’re reading this. Sometimes I think you’re reading everything I write, watching everything I do, like an angel over my shoulder. And this whole disappearing act of yours was just an act, and you’re waiting for me somewhere.

I know I’ve made mistakes. But how could I ever forget about our phone calls when we both couldn’t get to sleep? I love you. I will never love another woman the same way again. It is impossible for me to get over you.

It would be manageable if you were around. If you gave me an e-mail every once in a while. Sure, you used to say you loved me as a friend…but is this what people do to friends that they love? Disappear forever?

In the words of Fort Minor, “Where’d you go? I miss you so. Seems like it’s been forever since you’ve been gone.” It’s true. I’m ready to share my life with you. If you want to be friends that’s okay, too. Just write.

Do you know what a soulmate is? It means your soul wasn’t born alone. In Hinduism, there’s the story of Sita and Rama. Sita tells him ‘You found me, just like you find me in every lifetime.’ That’s the way it’s been for millennia.

It’s been a weird and crazy few months since you left.

I miss you,
-H, age 23

Dear Sarge,

These are the words I never said. These are the words I can’t decide if I regret never saying.

Thank you for all you did for me. When we met, I was a shy little wallflower who’d forgotten what a real friend was. I became so involved in becoming someone I wasn’t in order to placate someone else, I forgot to be who I was. I’d forgotten to just be me and not be afraid I would push people away. I don’t think I ever did show you the true me. Instead, you only met the me trying to be someone who pleased everyone.

You taught me the truth about friendship; that it is about acceptance and mutual caring. You helped give me a sense of what I was missing. You helped me realize I’d lost myself.

Of course, I never told you any of this. I never thanked you, never told you what you or your friendship meant to me. I don’t know if I regret it or not. Part of me wishes I had because maybe I could have held onto our friendship for a little longer. Maybe we wouldn’t have lost touch so quickly. However, I do regret one thing: never letting you get to know the real me.

But I can’t live my life in regret, so I have to let go of it.

I’m a little lost again right now, old wounds rising to the surface. You’re not around to help me this time, but I have someone else now to guide me through it. This time, I think you might like to know, I didn’t make the same mistake. I told him what he’s done for me. I think we’re a little closer for it, too.

So thank you, again, for what you did for me all those years ago. Thank you for reaching out. There are parallels between now and then, but the difference is this time I’m giving back. This time I’m trying to show the real me.

I’m sorry I never showed you the real me–the silly, nerdy, adventurous side I kept hidden. But that’s in the past and I have to move on, regrets or not.

I’ll treasure the memories of our friendship as I move forward and I’ll never forget it. Now I’m saying goodbye to my past and hello to my future.

Thank you for picking me up when I was down, even if you never knew it.

Sincerely,
A Friend, age 23

Dear Dad,

Not a day goes by that I don’t find myself wishing I could hear your voice again. In the six weeks you spent in the hospital before you died, we spent more time together than we had in years. I knew when you asked to see your granddaughter at the hospital, instead of when you got home, you weren’t ever coming home. They said you had six months to a year to live, but in my heart I knew you didn’t.

I find myself regretting pushing you to do the chemo and radiation, when you said you didn’t want. You said you just wanted to go home and let come what may. I wanted to extend your life; I wanted you to WANT to extend your life. I didn’t want you to want to leave us. When Nana died, you gave up. She was your mother, your sun, moon and stars. You were an Italian son, she doted over you for your whole life and you were dedicated to her like you would never be to any other woman. It was barely three years later that you left us. When she passed, you let your health go and you were angry, all the time. It was hard to be around you and I admit I started to avoid you because there was no talking to you.

But during the weeks before you died, all we did was talk. You told me you were proud of me; you’d never said that. You said you made so many mistakes and I knew I had, too. But most of all you told me you loved me, which you’d barely said during my lifetime. As difficult as you were, you made me who I am today. You raised me when mom left and you taught me to be independent, and it has served me well. I go to your grave often and talk to you, but it’s the same hollow, empty silence. I close my eyes and try to hear your voice in my head, calling my name from the kitchen when I would walk into the door of your house. One day, I missed you so much that when I went down the basement of my house and breathed in, I smelled your house–the sauce simmering, the ravioli cooking–and I knew you did that to comfort me and let me know you are with me.

I miss you dad. I love you. And, I wish you had more time.

Tee, age 28

Dad,

Well, it’s been 2 years since you’ve been gone and 19 years this month since the last time I talked to you.

I attended your funeral and all of your friends told me that you never stopped loving me. I wanted to laugh, but I didn’t; that wasn’t the place or the time to call them fools for believing you, but then you were always good at lying to people.  I really don’t believe that you did tell them that, I know that they were trying to console me.  You couldn’t tell me that you loved me but I’m to believe that you told your friends that you did?  Yeah, right. 

I was mad at you for dying and not giving us the chance to talk things through, mad at you for never getting to know your grandsons, mad at you for not telling me that you loved me, mad at you for taking away the chance from me to tell you that I loved you. Because whether we believe it or not, I do/did love you–you were my father–but after talking to so many people after your death it made me realize something. God you were such a jerk! 

I never understood why you couldn’t say I love you to me, but I think I can understand now, with the help of my therapist.  I looked too much like my mom and you hated her (or at least you told me you did), hated her for leaving you, somehow that hate passed on to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I know you loved me in your own way, you took care of me for 8 years by yourself, and you gave me everything that I could have wanted: clothes, cars, jewelry. But what you didn’t give me was something that I needed from you. I needed to hear those little words and you were so hard-headed that you couldn’t give them to me. The one thing that wouldn’t have cost you a dime and you couldn’t do it.

I know I hurt you when I left town, but you hurt me, too, dad. I was 19, pregnant and scared to death and you kicked me out because “people of our social status are not un-married and pregnant."  It really hurt looking at all of the photos at your funeral, seeing you holding a little boy.  Knowing that he was your girlfriend’s grandson and seeing you hold him when you never held your own grandchildren, that really hurt.  Fortunately for my boys, they didn’t go to your funeral, they didn’t see how much you were still hurting me even after you died.  In reality, I didn’t want them to go to the funeral, I didn’t want them to hate you anymore than they already do and to be quite honest, they didn’t want to go. They said they would go and be there for me if I wanted them to.  The oldest one said, "He didn’t want me around before I was born, why should I go and pretend to care that he’s gone?"  How could I argue with that?

Mom said that she talked to you the night you died, not in person but in her dreams. You came to her and apologized for everything: the lying, drinking, and cheating, and you told her that you had always loved her and that’s why you never re-married.  She told me of this "dream” before we knew that you had died because I didn’t find out until the day after.  I was waiting to see you in my dreams, but I’ve never seen you, so I’ve quit waiting.  Apparently, in death, like in life, it’s too much for you to tell me that you loved me.  Don’t worry, I’m slowly getting over it.  And thank you. Because of you, I tell my boys how much I love them and how proud I am of them and that no matter what happens I will always be there for them each and every day.

I am very proud of my boys.  I would have loved to tell you about them before you died, and I realize that I can tell you now, but I’m not going to, because I don’t think you deserve to know them.

I would sign off as “I Love You” but I’m not sure that those are the correct words, so I’m just going to sign off and maybe one of these days you will be able to let me know that you love me. But not to worry, I’m not going to hold my breath, because we all know that Hell couldn’t handle us both right now.

Your daughter,
T

Dear Mom,

Thank you for everything, from helping me with my black belt test to packing my lunch every day. You help me with my priorities and my homework. You work so hard by taking care of the family and making meals for us every day.

You always will spoil me, and even let me get a hamster even though you hate them. When I first wanted another pet, I wanted a turtle, not a hamster. But after talking to some people, I chose that I wanted a hamster instead. After saving up some money, and having dad say that he would pay for some of the stuff, we went to get a hamster. I brought my friend with me, since she knew a lot about hamsters. We drove to the store and got my hamster, a cage, and supplies. You didn’t like my hamster at first, but then you grew more affectionate to it. 

You will always keep me happy, and make holidays and birthdays perfect. You will always protect me, even for the smallest reason.

Sincerely,
Seth, age 23

To Kenny,

For years we have played this game of limbo, this game of timing being off and this game of hearts being broken, the pieces being used as a path to find our way back to ourselves. This is so hard to write because it feels like that means I am accepting it is true, this game: us. It will never get a chance to be played in the big leagues. No batters are going to line up and no fans will fill the stands, no popcorn will be passed out and nobody will receive that trophy. We won’t receive that trophy.

When we first met I was in love with your best friend, I thought of you as this guy with this beautiful heart that was so accepting and didn’t judge. You didn’t know who I was, but you accepted me. You became someone so important to my growth and so encouraging to that growth. You loved me then, at least you said you did. I wish for nothing more than to have kept all those messages that you sent me. I wish I had listened to you and left him. You have always been so easy to talk to and so easy to love that I notoriously lose myself in all the right ways when you are around. I become brave, I become fearless, and I become these things because you have guided me to become these things. I know I can trust you and I know you will be there to hold my hand and to jump, even if the water is going to be cold.

You have inspired me, the nice girl, to be more than that. To be wild and to have fun and to love like I have never loved before. You helped me find a passion I never thought I would feel. You are leaving soon and I want this letter to be ready before then, I want you to know where I stand before you leave. I want you to know that no matter where that road takes you, where you end up, if you pick a home on that road, a town to settle and find a life I would join you. I would move to that town because you would be there. I think we have always had something amazing, a connection you couldn’t just explain. I love you Kenny, and I have loved you since the first time we talked, since you got me to open up, since you got me to smile. I want amazing things for you, and if that means me, then great. If that doesn’t, that is okay, too.

All My Love,
Ashley, age 22

Dear Mom,

I am writing to you because I want you to know that I still love you. I know that you lost both me and Tim. I even wanted to let you know that I was the one that I was the cause of the file 51A. I am very sorry for this. I even regret this happening to you. When I found out that you stopped calling, I was heartbroken. I just wanted you to know that I was worried for my brother.

I even graduated from high school, and I still wished that you were there at my side. I even want you to know that I am doing fine. I even have a job. But I even admit that I still look into the past. Now I found out that the past is full of darkness. I want to forget the past and press on. 

Please forgive me for what has been done in the past. Free me of the worries, and the pain. Let God tell me that you are now okay, wherever you are.

Your Son,
Chris, age 25

P.S. Now that I have let it out, I can now let the past go, forget it, and press on.

P.P.S. To those who read this letter, thank you for reading it. I just want everyone to learn that forgiveness can go the distance.

Dear Daveta,

When I was in the eighth grade, I moved away from the home I had lived in San Jose since I was three. I started school in San Carlos at Tierra Linda, where everyday I ate lunch alone. I sat at the back of a classroom where the boys who sat toward the front laughed and threw spitwads to try to stick them in the holes of the acoustical ceiling every chance they got. I remember one day they made so much noise I didn’t hear the math homework assignment and had to raise my hand to ask Mr. Darley to repeat it. For some reason I will never understand: he walked all the way to the back of the class to slam a ruler hard against my desk, making such a horrific noise I involuntarily broke into tears. There was no one to commiserate with about this, and no one to even get the math assignment from.

As I wandered around the school, sometimes some of the spitwad-throwing boys would make remarks, as awkward eighth grade boys do about girls. And I felt vulnerable and unprotected.

Finally, one day I turned around and asked the girl behind me if I could eat lunch with her. She said she had another friend she usually ate with and had to check with her. When, after a few days, she had not given me an answer, I finally had the nerve to ask what their decision was. She said that she and her friend had decided two was company, three a crowd. So, I continued on alone.

It wasn’t too long after that that you, Daveta, asked me to have lunch with you. I remember I was so thrilled to have someone to walk around the field with after lunch. We made daisy chains, you taught me how to make gum wrapper chains, and I was not so lonely anymore.

Then one weekend my dad took us to the ice rink and I invited you along. There were some boys, high school boys with white T-shirts that they rolled up–the way some guys did and then sometimes stuck cigarettes into the cuffs–and “greaser” hair cuts. They knew and were very friendly with you and began to be friendly with me. They scared me and the fact that you seemed to know them so well also scared me. These were not boys I wanted to consider me a friend. From that time on, I refused to have lunch with you. I do not recall what I said about that to you, but I know I never ever thanked you so much for having kept me company for a while. I simply hung out, now, again, alone.

I learned, in high school, when I finally had met and made friends with some girls, that apparently the two major “cliques” of eighth grade girls had actually been vying for me as a potential member and, when they saw me having lunch with you, they considered me “unworthy” and no longer considered me as a possible member of either “clique.” They never, in the entire time I ate alone, had anyone within their cliques talk to me to find out anything about me. They judged me by whatever it was they had decided about you.

And me? I deserted you without explanation when you were the only one who ever stepped forward and asked me to eat with you when I was so alone. I just wanted to let you know that my behavior, my lack of explanation and subsequent desertion of you, is something that still comes to mind. I want to apologize and to thank you for taking that time with me. The circumstances of hanging out with you saved me from becoming part of a clique and left me, instead, to work out a variety of friendships across the span of high school, but what I did to you and how I treated you was not something I am proud of. I do not think you went on to the high school, so do not even know what happened to you after eighth grade. But I still thank you for stepping up to fill a void in my life at a time I really needed it.

Susan A., age 67