The Things You Would Have Said
Month
Dear Dad,
I’m sorry I asked you to sign the adoption papers so you will no longer have to be my parent, but I think it’s the right thing to do. I know you’ll hate me forever but it’s my life and my choice. I’m tired of living in shame. You found the girl you want to be with, more importantly you found the girl you’re in love with. Kim is amazing and everything I should be. Kim is smart, talented, a Christian, and knows what she wants. She is strong everyday of her life, something I wish I could be. Kim should be cherished forever in your heart as should her son, Anthony.
Anthony is everything I want to be. He is smart, talented, has great self-esteem, athletic, truthful, and just straight up perfection. I would kill to be like him and you would kill me if I’m not like him. The truth is I’m NOT him. I’m none of those things; in fact I can’t name any of the things that I just listed that I would fall into the category of. I’m sorry I’ll never be able to make you happy or do anything right but that’s who I am.
You have always told me I’m not good enough and never will be. I’m not smart or talented or really anything. I’m just a shadow that you see, just another imperfection in your eyes. I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to be the older sibling that does everything wrong, that isn’t good enough according to her father. I think I’m perfect! My opinion matters and yours dosen’t. Remember when you sent me those shoes that I didn’t like so I traded them in for something I liked? Then you went to my mom and yelled at her for teaching me all the wrong things and how not to be classy? Well guess what, that was my decision and unlike you, my mom totally supports me.
It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m done.
Your daughter,
Kayle age 13
Read an article I wrote about including your kids in the holiday letter writing process. Click the link above!
Rick,
I’m sorry that I wanted so badly to believe you were “just another guy,” that I acted in a way that made you confirm my warped and twisted views.
Now you’re out of my life and I’m truly saddened.
I know you admitted to me that you have your issues – but I was truly blown away by you. If I had gone through the things you’ve gone through – I’d be a completely different person – sour, hardened and irreversibly bitter.
But you are a beautiful person. A true man. A strong man. So funny, so kind, so thoughtful, so open, so caring.
I now understand how my willingness to believe that you’d hurt me affected our relationship. For whatever reason, I actually WANTED you to disappear. I wanted you to stop contacting me, texting, cooking, ordering me that extra Appletini and being so attentive. But you didn’t. You continued to do those things. I remain under the impression that you wouldn’t have stopped, had I not acted in my usual overbearing ways. I have no idea why I resent the men I trust.
I understand why you made your decision to stop answering my texts and I don’t think you’re a jerk because of it. You’re not. I know that. That’s just not you.
I have said this to you before, but I have never met a man like you. You expanded my mind and healed my wounds, in the short time I spent with you, and that should not and does not go unnoticed.
You saved me with your kindness. Your spirit. Your passion. And for months, no one had been able to do that – except you. You showed me that there were things to be missed in this world – and men like you are one of them.
You made an impact in my life just by being you and that speaks volumes about who you truly are.
I know things will never work out between us. We’re battling our own demons. We’re at different points in our lives. But you saved me, and I thank you.
Stay the coolest, my man.
Natalie, age 21
Dear 17 year old me,
You are about to have the three most life-changing years. Admittedly, it won’t turn out as you expect it to.
The first thing that will happen is that you will meet a boy and fall in love. This is the point of your evolution as a person. It won’t be a childlike infatuation, it will be a deeper and more meaningful connection than you have ever experienced in your life. For the first time in life you won’t be scared to jump blindly of a cliff. You will live with him. It will be like a whirlwind, sweeping you off your feet before unceremoniously dumping you to the ground. It will be a hard blow that will take a long time to recover from. You will do lots of things you’re not proud of as a coping mechanism; your guard will be higher than ever.
You will move out to your own flat and your friends will pull you through to a functional level. Yes, that grief will still be there but it will no longer overwhelm you. You will start to become more independent, quitting the job you hate for another you enjoy. The biggest change in your life is that you will somehow pass the International Baccalaureate and get a place at your first choice University, despite almost quitting for the boy eight months ago.
He will not have lost his grip on you, though. Despite him being in a new relationship, you will continue to go back there. Then, you will go on a holiday with your friends and this changes everything. You will not go home as planned. You will stay in Greece and discover a new perspective on life. You will realise that you always say you want to do things, or imagine how they should turn out, yet you never do anything proactive to achieve them. Your real friends helped you to realise that you have lived a life under forced expectations and that your dreams and hopes for the future are the ones you are not fulfilling.
Despite this, you are still not quite strong enough to break away from normality and continue to University. You will have a great time, however, your year there leaves you feeling unsatisfied, eager to run free (and the boy from the past, although a pivotal point, he is now history). You feel caged and you realise that you need to have the freedom to be yourself, to travel and write and learn and maybe even one day fall in love again. This was always your dream, only you were too scared to do it. You were anchored by your family, a relationship, rent, University and most probably would be afterwards by your employer.
So you quit. You booked a one-way plane ticket to Spain and in thirty nine days you are off to start your adventure. You are terrified, but you finally understand that you will never be happy thinking “what if” and that you have to take the blind leap off a cliff. Even if it ends in heartbreak, that will eventually pass. Life is too short to stand on the edge debating.
Yes, you will make friends and lose friends, there will be ups and downs, but the best thing is that you still don’t know any of this. You have finally learnt to stop trying to predict the future and enjoy the journey.
Love,
The 20 year old me
Dear PDR,
I would give my entire life if I could make you happy again. Even if it’s just for a week. I would do anything to make you feel better. To feel like this isn’t the end. I wanted to say all of these things to you that day. To say that I know you are unhappy, and that you use humor to cover up your pain. I see it. I feel it. There isn’t a thing that I wouldn’t give to fix you. I know of the horrors that you have seen, and I want you to let me in. I know I can help. Even if it takes my pain to make you happy. I only wish I could help take away the pain for just a little while.
Love,
Aly, age 21
Dear Lucy Lawless,
I think you are the most gorgeous woman in Hollywood. In my eyes you are the perfect woman. I myself am an artist and none of the women I draw or write about match you, because you’re just so amazing. I think you are the most talented actress. I love how you have such a great sense of humor and yet you can play such a tough and powerful woman. You caught my attention when you played the butt-kicking warrior princess, Xena. But you won my heart with your acting and ability to get into character. Not only are you a great actress, it also sounds like you’re a great mom as well. Not all actress moms would take a break from acting to raise their kids. To me you are a winner. I also love how you are a big Hollywood star and yet you haven’t forgotten who you are and where you came from. I think it’s awesome how you go back to your home town of New Zealand every now and again to visit your family. If you are reading this, I hope it has opened up your eyes to how wonderful of a person you are and to the people around you. If it weren’t for you, people wouldn’t know your generosity and your ability to act, sing and dance, and make people laugh. Every time I watch, read or hear about you, it puts a smile on my face and helps me forget the bad things happening in my life for that moment of just you. Thanks for making this world a better place. I hope years from now I will still hear great things about you.
Your number one fan,
Duhg, age 11
Dear Papa,
It’s another sleepless night where I find myself writing about you. Contrary to what I initially believed, I still have quite a few more tears left to shed after these past eight and half years without you and without Mom. To this day, I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself for not taking care of her as I promised you as you lay in that damn hospital bed dying. I was only 17 at the time and she was already so ill, but how can a daughter not feel guilty after that? She has long since forgotten me and the whole world. And the guilt is what I am left with now as I can no longer take your hand in comfort, hug you, be held by you and have my tears wiped away by you. No, instead I can only cry alone and hope for the day that Mom can be released from her mortal prison to join you in what I can only hope is a happier place.
I know they say no parent should have to bury their child, but I believe no child should have to bury a parent while the other has to be sent to a nursing home. The worst part is knowing that this will always hurt. It may not be the same everyday as it was before and some days may be just like the first, but it will always been lurking in the shadows of my mind waiting for a reminder to bring about the flood of days long gone. It will always be there because I will never stop loving you or missing you or wishing for a moment that I could see your face and hold your hand. The same goes for Mom and the person she was. Only with her, her body remains and yet I must let her go for she has left me long ago.
Now, I can only hope to make you proud by surviving that nightmare and learn to live with the reality of what it means to be daughter to no one living; to learn to thrive as an orphan, a word I absolutely feared the most as a child. There was never a monster under my bed that could make me cry as much as this. Yet, forever I must hold true what I also said to you in that same hospital bed: “You are my hero and heroes never die.“ They never do, because they live on in our hearts.
Forever your loving daughter,
Ness, Age 25
Dear Mrs. Gabriel,
I’ll never forget the beautiful toy railroad set that your son, Horst, got to play with each Christmas. Your husband would only put it out in December, and each time he did, I was invited to share it with Horst. You lived in the same building as me. Your family was Christian.
I’ll also never forget Berlin in 1938 and the tobacco store across the street from our fifth-story building. On Kristallnacht, we could hear the screams of the Jewish owner as the S.S. came to smash his windows and take him out onto the street to hurt him. It was a bloody mess. That same night, all of the synagogues were either burned or completely vandalized.
In fear for my family’s safety, you and your sister came to our place to help protect us. My father was on a business trip in Hamburg and when he called home, my mother said, “Stay in Hamburg, get lost, because the Nazis are here to get you.” You were angels who put themselves in danger in order to help save my family…
Ernest, age 86
****
Mitzi,
You were our housekeeper and my nanny for the first six years of my life.
You were the most important person in my young years. I saw more of you than either of my parents.
Each weekday morning, you walked me to kindergarten and then picked me up again for lunch. We walked towards our apartment at the edge of the Danube Canal through the colorful streets of Vienna. You prepared my lunch, tucked me in for a nap, and later played games with me till you prepared supper. I took your presence and care for granted.
After Kristallnacht, you disappeared from my life and I missed you terribly. I cried and prayed for your return but soon we were forced to leave our apartment and I was sure you would never find us again. One cold February afternoon, there was a knock on our door—a knock always sent shivers of fear into our souls—but when my mother opened the door, it was you, Mitzi. You had a spray of lilies of the valley in your hand and a Happy Birthday greeting on your lips for me. It was my seventh birthday and I was filled with joy for the first time in many months…
Ruth, age 76
**The full versions of both letters are in the book, The Things You Would Have Said**
Richard C.,
It’s been 30 years since I did the most stupid and selfish act. I was the other man that took your family away from you. Man? I was no man. I was a 24 year old, immature coward with no self-esteem. When I met your wife, I was smitten by her appearance. Unlike a real man, I disregarded the wedding ring she wore. I disrespected the vows you both shared and the commitment of you adopting her daughter. I never had anyone like that pay attention to me. I was warned by friends and family, but I ignored them. I also ignored the phone calls and your attempts to confront me about this.
I asked her to come with me, to run away, not understanding the long standing ramifications that would follow. Like everyone had predicted, it didn’t last long. But that didn’t matter. The damage was done! I had devastated more lives in one single selfish act than I care to remember. At that moment, I wanted nothing but to say how sorry I was.
You accepted the devastation, you collected yourself and you moved on to have a wonderful family. I would like to say how glad I am for you, but I am not in a position to comment on your life. My only intention is to say how sorry I am to you, your ex-wife, and your adopted daughter. I wish I didn’t do what I did. You have no idea! I have always thought about someday contacting you to say I am truly sorry, but I think that would make matters worse.
I struggle everyday with the guilt. It never leaves, ever. It’s like background music in my head. I had to learn by example, your example. I have to accept, learn, and move on in a positive direction. If ever there was a way to make this up to you I would, without hesitation. If you ever wished me sorrow for what I had done (and who could blame you), your wish had come true multiple times in my life. This maybe the only time I will have the opportunity to apologize to you. Wiling to accept my fate, I would look you straight in the eyes and say I am so, so sorry.
I wish you everything that is good in life.
M.E., age 53
Dear Beau,
You are the epitome of your namesake. You are beautiful. The most beautiful man that I have ever seen, to be exact. I can remember the first time that our eyes met. My breath caught, and my heart skipped multiple beats. That glance was only for a second, for we didn’t know each other yet. Your message at the college meeting for Christians gave me a lot to think about, and stirred up questions. I mustered the courage to e-mail you, and you responded by saying that you wanted to meet to chat. I was so nervous! I was afraid to say the wrong thing, to make you think that I was strange. But I felt perfectly at ease, once we started talking, and we chatted for over an hour. An absolute wonderful hour. We ended the meeting with a hug, and you squeezed me tight. Most guys have given me one-sided/loose, not as meaningful hugs. But yours was different, and special.
After that first chat, I saw you every week at the scheduled meetings for fellowship. You always had a hug for me, and only me. I never saw you hug any other girl. At Valentine’s Day, there was a big box of roses on the table outside the entrance; everyone was free to help themselves to one. You picked one out and handed it to me. I will never forget the look in your eyes when you gave the rose to me. I was 20 years old, and I had never been given a flower from any man before. I think that was the moment when I fell in love with you. We met regularly to talk about life, God, growing in spirituality. I treasured those talks, because they meant the absolute world to me. You listened carefully and had wisdom to share with me. My friends knew that I loved you, but I tried my very hardest to keep you oblivious to it. You spoke again at the weekly fellowship meeting and you told us your story. I cried when you told it because my heart was breaking for you, what you had gone through. I remember the overwhelming feeling of wanting to hold you when you were at a very dark moment in your story. I told you mine, and we prayed together.
I ended up daydreaming about a future with you even though I knew that wasn’t a wise idea. And I knew in my heart that it wouldn’t be possible. You, with your olive skin and dark eyes, hair. Me, with my white skin, dark blonde hair, and light blue eyes. Physically, we were complete opposites. I told myself that this would be the reason that you would never love me back. And I was right. The day that I decided to tell you my feelings for you, you dropped the bomb that you were seeing your ex-girlfriend. Even though you told me that it had ended badly and had been so hurt by the break-up. Then why would you go back? I didn’t understand then, and I don’t understand now. But I plastered a smile to my face, and told you that I hoped it worked out. I told myself that I would never be good enough, and that all of our moments together meant nothing. That I had built them up in my mind. And for a time, I believed that. It was easier to believe that it was my own fault. You are engaged to your original ex-girlfriend now. Every moment that I shared with you, every talk, every prayer, every hug…all of those memories keep me up at night. I regret with every fiber in my being not telling you how I felt about you. Would something have changed? Would your friendship with me have fizzled due to awkwardness? Maybe you would have changed your mind, and pursued something with me. The unknown is what hurts me, day in and day out.
But somehow, at the same time, I am happy for you, for this life that you are starting that I know will be amazing. I just wish that it was with me.
Laney, age 21
Dear You,
I used to be so strong. I never cared about what people thought of me. Until you. You broke me. You broke through my barrier. We’d been dating for three days, and you’d already told me you loved me and that I was apparently “your everything.” I told you I loved you, too, cause I meant it.
But I guess you didn’t. Cause you dumped me on the third day of our relationship. You said you’re still in love with your ex. You even told me that. And you used the worst cliché ever: “It’s not you…it’s me.” I cried myself to sleep that night. That was Monday night. It is now Wednesday night. I cried myself to sleep last night, too, as I probably will tonight.
I can’t believe I let you get to me like this. It’s ridiculous, really. I see you every day and all I want to do is die. Literally. I get all hot and all the blood rushes to my face, and I start to go into panic mode and I’m worried everyone around me sees how I react. I’m so scared of how long this is going to last. Your smile, your eyes, the way you walk. It’s like a cute little shuffling. A modest little shuffle to class. I hate that I’m still wounded from you. I hate myself. It’s this prolonged sadness, and what you put me through just made everything so much fucking worse.
Sam, age 14