The Things You Would Have Said

Dear Natalie,

I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry you tried so hard and it didn’t work out.
I am sorry you felt the need to prove yourself.
I am sorry that he burnt every bridge he could and you tried to rebuild new ones. You should have let him burn them.
I am sorry that he will never know the extent of your pain.

I am sorry that you keep making the same mistake.
I am sorry that you feel abandoned.
I am sorry that you think, for whatever reason, that you don’t deserve better. You do.

I am sorry that he withheld the truth from you.
I am sorry that he does not accept responsibility for anything. Natalie, let him tell himself that he did nothing wrong. He needs it more than you.
I am sorry that he places the blame on you.
I am sorry that you dated a coward. 

I am sorry, Nat. I am sorry that you feel the way you do right now. I am sorry that you keep running from yourself. I am sorry that you feel your emotions were not reciprocated.

Natalie, you’re going to recover. Good things are going to happen to you. You’re going to feel better, I promise. Just give it time. I know it hurts. I know you want him to know how much he has hurt you over the past few months. But it doesn’t make a difference.

He will still be who he is.
Just accept that you do not have control and you will be happier.
Natalie, forgive yourself. Please.

And if you don’t do this for yourself, then I am no longer sorry.

Signed,
Me, age 20

Dear Grandma,

We’ve been living without you for 29 months and 5 days and 7 hours and 12 minutes exactly. Okay, just kidding about those hours and minutes, I haven’t gone that crazy yet. But it feels like we all have gone a little crazy without you here. You were kind of the center of our family, and I know you knew it. You were the boss. The head honcho. The demanding one. But surprisingly, you got everyone who was ever around you to listen to you. That’s just the kind of personality you had. 

I know it’s sad, but everyone is saying “had, was, did”…but not me. I still think of you as right here with me. I still try to impress you and I want to make you proud. I know I’d never admit this out loud, but I always knew you were my best friend. Remember when people used to make fun of me and say I acted just like you? I hated that. But now, I wish people still said it. I would be honored to have a personality just like you have! You passed when I was 16, and I know now how much of a selfish teenager I was then. If you were here now, I’d tell you how sorry I was that I ever gave you attitude. I would apologize for every time I rolled my eyes at you when you were just being silly.  

But I know that you are with me all the time, Grandma. I wear your cross every single day. And when I forget it at home, I go all the way back to get it. Just because I know you’ll be with me if I wear it. You’ll see everything I see. Uh, oh come to think of it, sorry for the stuff you’ve had to see! 

You know, sometimes we like to think that you’re just on one of your bus trips again. Trust me, we all miss you a lot. I wish we all could see you get off that bus and come back home. Then we could watch the Golden Girls, like we used to. And you could teach me some more Spanish! Right now, I’m the only Mexican who can’t roll her R’s. 

I hope right now you’re having a lot of fun watching all of us. And I also hope you’re having tons of fun in that huge Macy’s they have in heaven. I’m sure they’re treating you right and giving you a life supply of gift cards.

I love you, and miss you,
Your Pobrecita, age 18

Daddy, 

It still doesn’t seem real. I can’t believe I’ll never hear your voice again. That I’ll never get to hug you, never get to see you again. This whole thing was such a shock, I still can’t get my head around it. I feel such regret, such guilt for all of the things that were never said, never fixed. For all the times I thought to call but never did, and for always thinking there was time.

But if I could see you again, one last goodbye, I wouldn’t want to talk about any of that. I’d want to tell you how much I loved you. Regardless of what our relationship was, I always loved you. I’d thank you for teaching me all the things you did that I will never forget. And I’d want to hear your stories and your words of wisdom no matter how much it made me hate myself for never being the perfect daughter you wished for me to be. Even though I never seemed to listen to them.

I’d love to hear you laugh. And I’d memorize your face, your smile. Because I don’t want to ever forget how you look. I don’t ever want to forget your voice. I’m so afraid of forgetting. The last time I saw you, it was one of the best days we had together in a long time. I am so thankful for that. I wish I would have let my guard down, I wish I would have trusted that you had changed and you loved me for who I am, no matter what. I miss you every day. And someday I will be your perfect daughter. 

Kayle age 13

Dear Russ,

I regret not telling you I love you twenty years ago.

I regret keeping my love to myself these decades, silently hoping you were happy, healthy and loved. 

I regret not changing everything in my world, twenty years ago, to stay at your side. What a life we’d have had.

I regret not putting me first. 

If I put me first twenty years ago, I’d still be at your side and you wouldn’t be the mess you are today. 

Yet, I have absolutely no regrets that I love you with every particle of my being, past or present, to infinity.

You are my electricity. I am your ground.

I’m always here for you, even if we don’t understand it.

I love you. Still. Always. 

Jen, age 46

Dear Dad,

Remember me?  I am your oldest of nine children.  Do you even honestly remember me?  I never hear from you or see you.  Why don’t you ever make an effort to reach out to me?  Are you embarrassed because of how much time has passed?  Don’t you love me?  You did at one point, I remember, through pictures.  Why did you leave us?  So you could have your infidelities on mom with your girlfriend in Florida?  And infidelities with your girlfriend in FL with your other girlfriend in New Jersey?  Look what you did - you started procreating like it was nothing and now you have nine bastard children.   

I’m 29 now, and still the oldest (or so I’ve been told) but I wish you could have been there for me all these years.  I could have used some man advice.  But no, you missed it all.  You missed everything.  Every birthday of mine I could ever think of.  Every ball game.  Every championship match won.  All my graduations.  My wedding.  My daughter’s birth, or should I say, your granddaughter’s birth.  My divorce.  Mom’s divorce.  My alcohol abuse problem.  My recovery.   

And now I am all alone.

I’ve tried so many times to call you and talk to you, but you’re just bitter and get mad asking, “Why don’t you ever call?” and you just find a reason to argue and hang up on me.  But dad, why didn’t YOU ever call? I’m still waiting for the day for my phone to read your name.

Now that I’m older, I realized how much of a dead beat of a father you were.  In retrospect, you may be a dirt bag of a father, but you’re still my father.  And because of that, you’ve taught me to neverbe anything like you.

Your son, age 29 

Dear KJP, 

It has only been a few weeks since you left for rehab, but so many months since the real you left your body. Drugs are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. They killed us. They killed you, they killed our baby, and they killed me. If I could go back to any night, it would be the night I helped you get LSD. I was only trying to make you happy. I had no idea that you would become so heavily addicted to multiple drugs. I wanted to tell your friends. I wanted to help you but you pushed me away. I wish I could have done more for you. I wish I could tell you I’m sorry for what I did to you. I wish I kept our baby. I wish you had a reason to get clean instead of a reason to continue doing drugs. I’m sorry for the pain I have caused you. It haunts me. Our baby haunts me. Every time I hear one cry, I wince. My heart aches for her. Our baby. It was a her. I never told you. Never showed you the ultra sound. I wish I understood why and I could go back in time and show you. She was going to be so beautiful and you would have been an amazing dad.

I know we were young. And our relationship was already so broken. But I wish drugs would have given us a better chance. I have bad days, where I miss you a lot. I swear it’s because you’re thinking about me, too. I know you do. I want you to know that I will always love you. No matter how far you are or if you continue doing drugs. You can never do anything to make me stop loving you. I pray for you every night and everyday. You made me, ME. I love you.

CEM

Dear K,  

I always had feelings for you. You were always on my mind. I always got nervous when you passed by me and said hi. But now I might never see you again. Sorry I never tried, I will always regret it.

Sincerely,
I should have tried, age 16

Dear Papa,

I was too young when you left. I didn’t know what I had lost. But now when I look around, I feel what a tragedy it was to lose you.

I want to let you know that I love you and I miss you. I miss you touch, your hugs, your love. Our family seems incomplete without you. I wish Allah could return you to us. 

I still cry between those lonely nights and feel sad; why was I too young when I was with you? I wish I had been with you at this age so we could have done lots of adventures together.

I wish I had told you all this when you were alive. But I was so careless- 12 years old.

Daddy’s Girl, age 18

Dear Best Friend,   It happened last year.  You met him and I just got thrown aside.  Your swore you were in love and nothing could ever change the way you felt about him.  While I lost my true best friend, you were having a good time.  It was not until a year later when you realized you had thrown all your friends aside and had no one left but me. 

No one cared that day he left you.

You knew I would always be there when you needed me, but a part of me knew it wasn’t fair.  Why could you ignore me for a whole year and all of a sudden, when you need me, I could just fill in like nothing happened?  I needed you, too.  Did you know in that year my cousin was beat by my uncle and I spoke with a judge, fighting for there freedom from my uncle? Did you know I cried myself to sleep all the time? Did you know I still missed you even though you didn’t? I had no one at times.  How would it feel if all of a sudden the only person you could trust walked away?

You haven’t been the same since the day I met you.  That boy destroyed you.  And you ask me why I’m afraid to find love and why I’m not looking? It’s because of you.  I will not change who I am for a boy that doesn’t deserve me.  I’m scared of turning into what you have become.

I still haven’t let you go.  I can’t keep living my life waiting around for the day you need me again to pick you up from another dumb boy.  I have a life to live, too. 
Please let go of me and look what you are doing to your “best friend”. I am damaged from being dragged around.  I hope that one day you find a good guy for you that can shape you back into the girl I knew beforehand.  

Always there,
your best friend, age 18

Dear Grandma,

I never go the chance to meet you, you died two years before I was born. I’ve been told you were an amazing person. An amazing cook, wife, mother, friend and you would’ve been an amazing grandma. I graduated a month ago, and everyone told me that you would’ve been so proud of me. I hope that’s true. I hope you are proud of me and watching over me in heaven.

Today Pap-pap told me I have your eyes. I couldn’t help but look at my eyes in the mirror after that, wondering if that’s really what your eyes looked like. I don’t have many pictures of you and I couldn’t tell from the ones I did have if that’s true or not, but if it is I’m happy to have inherited something from you. I’ve always latched onto anything and everything people tell me about you, because in all honesty people don’t talk about you too much. Only because of the amazing person you were and how hard it is for them. I can tell just by the look on peoples faces (especially my dad’s) of how much they miss you and how hard it is for them to talk about you. Even though you have passed away, I still feel a connection to you.

I know you are with me wherever I go, and that is one of the benefits of you being in heaven, I guess. I love you, Grandma, and I can’t wait to meet you one day. Until then, please continue to look over me and be my guardian angel. You know how much trouble I can get myself into. 

You’re Granddaughter, 
Jessy, age 18

Dear David,

I love you. I have never been able to say this to your face, but I really do. 

You cannot see it; you do not see me. Numerous times I have given you the chance to see me, and to see that I am more than what meets the eye, but you never looked.

But I still love you. I have been hurt by your spite, but I am healing. I know that if I have loved once, I can love again…so I move on. My worth is not tied to the value you give me. I am more than that. You are one of the best I have met, but so am I.

Take care. 

O, age 26

Dear Mom,

Let me start out by saying that I have never questioned your undying love for me. I know that the events that unfolded on that November day, just a few years ago, was an outcry from a woman who had seen her entire life slowly crumble for more than a decade. The psychological break resulting in your contemplation of suicide was the culmination of years of sickness, surgeries that led nowhere and at the end of it all, a messy and blood-curdling divorce.

I have always been by your side for as long as I can remember. From escorting you to doctors appointments, making sure your breakfast was made and your medicine was laid out all before I left for basketball practice at 6:30 am every morning. When the divorce settlements began, I could have chosen the easy way out and decided to give full custody to my dad and remain in my childhood home with him and my older brother, but because I can never turn my back on you, I chose 50% custody for each parent.

On that day in November, my cause for alarm had been triggered because of the sense of hopelessness you were sending. Refusing to eat or get out of bed or even turn on the tv. As you began leaving me voice mails about how pathetic your life was and how you wished it was all over for you, my stomach began to twist in knots, unknowing of the mental and physical condition you were in. In each message your speech began to slur and your thoughts became in cohesive. You finally sent one last message, stuttering and slurring every sentence, telling me to go away. This was the most hurt I have ever been in my entire life (it also explains why I have only ever opened up to one person about this day). Me, your youngest child, the one who never gave up on you, and at that moment, the one that wasn’t even enough make you want to live. That is what made me take action. Close to hyperventilating and not knowing what to do (I was 16 at the time) I called dad, the man you just divorced and he’s the one who called 911.

We’ve come a long way since that day, and we have still not ever sat down to discuss what happened that day. If we ever did, you would still hear the hurt in my voice and see the fear on my face. To know you didn’t want to live to see your son, who had given up so much for you without a second thought, grow up and reach his full potential rattles me down to my core even to today. I will always love you and will always continue to fight for you and will always be here for you, whether you want me here or whether you want yourself here.

With all of the love and respect a son has for his mother,
Your baby boy

Dear Carrie,

What happened to you?  We were best friends for twenty-six years: sharing laughs, secrets, and angst as teenagers, exchanging dating and party stories as college students, attending each others’ weddings and baby showers as adults.  Even our children were friends.  And then something changed.  You started going to that church and became the judge of others.  Nobody, in your opinion, was as good of a parent or a Christian as you were.  You spent so much time gossiping and slamming our friends that I began to dread your phone calls. I thought, “If she’s talking about them like that, then she’s probably talking about me like that, too." 

I tried a few times to tell that I didn’t feel right talking about our friends like that, but you didn’t take the hint.  Finally, I just stopped answering my phone and you, dear friend, began to harass me, calling me up to twenty times a day, leaving catty, increasingly snotty messages.  You even sent your nine year old daughter over to ask me why I had stopped answering my phone.  It bordered on abuse.  I was going through a very hard time and the last thing I needed was that, so I cut you out of my life completely.  You are still out of my life, though occasionally you show up in my dreams.  I hide from you even then.

It’s been several years since I ended this friendship and to this day, it breaks my heart to have lost this friendship, even while, at the same time, I have no desire to rekindle it.  I hear what you’ve been up to lately.  For all your judgment of others’ behavior, you’ve cheated on your own husband and done things that the woman I used to know would have never done.  I don’t feel any more titillated by what people are saying about you than I did when you were gossiping about others…I just feel a weary sadness as a part of me wonders…where did my friend go?  Because surely, this woman is not her.

Love,
Jenny, age 46

Dear Daddy,

It’s been ten long years since you’ve left us. Ten long years that happened so quickly and yet not a single day that I didn’t miss you. If there was ever a chance to speak to you again, this is what I would say. I want you to know how mom and I have been getting along each day, and how proud you would be.

Every time we talked about you, my eyes would start to tear up. Never a day that we have forgotten about you, or a day that doesn’t go “What if?”.  Do you know, that every time I close my eyes, I always remember you lying on the hospital bed, wasting your life away? Do you know how heartbroken I was? Each time when I feel sad and down, I always think of your beautiful life and the strength you gave me when I needed it the most. I always ask myself, “What would my Daddy do?”

Everyone says that parents will leave their children sooner or later in life, but you’ve gone far too soon. We never made it to my graduation ceremony that you promised to go to, or attend my wedding, see the house that I bought or hold your first grandson. These are the most important things in life that I want to share with you, but you’re not there. 

I just want you to know that you’re going to have another grandchild soon and I hope you’ll be proud of me. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect but I will try my best to do it all.

Wherever you may be, we’ll always love you, just like the last ten years. Please continue to watch over us from above and perhaps we’ll see each other again in the far future.

Love you always daddy.

Your little golden pineapple,
SH, age 30

Dear Mom,

There are many things in my past that I have regretted. If I had listened to you more, if I had made better choices in my life, I probably wouldn’t be in the position that I am in today. There is something from my past that heavily influenced the decisions I made. I was abused by one of my babysitters when I was very young, around the age of six. I was told that if I told you, you would never love me anymore, you would hate me. I was scared to death to tell you. I never told anyone until I started going through therapy and started digging through all the crap. I now know why I always seemed to find men that were abusive and that was because my self-esteem was so low, that I felt that I deserved to be treated that way. I am making a lot of positive changes in my life right now and I am very thankful to have had this opportunity to change my life, for myself and for my children. I love you very much and I’m sorry for never telling you what happened when I was younger. I didn’t think that you would believe me and I didn’t want to lose your love or have you hate me.

M, age 38