The Things You Would Have Said
Month
Dear Mom,
You passed away not knowing I got off drugs. I pray that you know I’m okay now. Mom, you were my best friend and I cannot forgive myself for hurting and betraying you. You were always there for me and I know how much it must have hurt you when I took money from you. I am so sorry, Mom.
I am going to college now and at 56; I have finally grown up. From this point on, I will do my best to be the daughter I should have been, even though you are not here with me ( though I know you are in spirit). And as tears are running down my face, I hope you can forgive me for not being there when you died. I will live with that guilt forever. I promise you, Mom, I will never go that route again. I am happy to be clean eight years now but I will forever be haunted by what I put you through. I love you, Mom.
Barb, age 56
Dear Billy,
I miss you. I really miss you. And you have the nerve to keep me hanging. By that little tiny thread. And I’m too stupid to let go. I just need to let go. But when you look at me, with those green eyes, I believe. I have to believe that you regret it. The decision you made that night. What you did. When you left. And that, that right there, is what keeps me hanging on.
Love always,
Katie
Daddy,
I wish I would have known you. I wish I could say it was because I was so young, but sometimes I really feel like I just didn’t want to know you. You can’t imagine how much I regret that now. I was only 17 the day you died, but my youth died that day too. I finally had death shoved in my face and I saw it for what it truly was: a ticking time bomb for each and every one of us.
I’m sorry I was so blinded by my mother lies. It took me far too long to see the truth. You were an incredible man. I’m sorry you thought I was looking for a father to buy me expensive things and take me fancy places, because all I really wanted was a daddy to love me and be proud of me.
I think about you all the time and I smile when I do something that reminds me of you. We all make mistakes in life, but my biggest one by far was never getting to know you when I had the chance. I wish I could tell you all these things and I wish I could tell you that I’ve worked really hard to be closer to the family. I’ve learned that lesson and I promise you I will never make that mistake again.
And lastly, thank you for inspiring my love of music; sometimes others can said what you mean far better than you can. I wish you could see that we were much more alike than either of us knew.
Love always.
Your daughter,
Brittany, age 20
Mom,
A year ago today. I can still perfectly replay it in my mind, the day you passed away. Everything was going as usual–me being the thirteen year old bratty teenager I was. You were getting mad at me for leaving with dad. By the way, we were going to buy your Christmas present; you were always a pain to buy for. I still remember the last words you said to me face to face: “You’re getting in the nasty old truck with dad before you go to Christmas mass tonight? You aren’t getting another shower."
I remember just walking away. I did say bye to you before I walked out of the house and you said bye to me. I guess sometimes that make me feel a little better. I still wish I wouldn’t have left with dad. I wish I would have stayed home with you and wrapped presents with you.
Christmas time was your favorite. I’m sorry I always made it difficult. I had to complain about Christmas music, or how decorating the tree was such a hassle, and when you accidently broke one of my ornaments I threw a fit. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
So much has changed this past year. I got my first B on my report card. You have no idea how ashamed I am. The neighbors make me dinner every night because dad can’t cook worth a crap. He’s actually is a pretty good parent but we were so spoiled by having the best parent…you.
I am proud of one thing I have started doing this year. You used to always tell me to pray before I go to bed at night. After you died I started. I usually say something to you and I know you here me, and I know you help me even with out being here. You will always be the best and the biggest influence on my life.
I could go on for hours with this but I need to go to bed. Tomorrow, I have to go to church. Its mass for you, because you died a year ago today.
Mommy, I love you so much and I miss you. Keep us all of our family strong.
Your fourteen year old daughter,
Lemonade aka Emily
Dear Jim,
It scares me how afraid I am of losing you. What would I ever do if you started seeing all of my many flaws? If you began to see how truly average I really am? I’m scared to death of what you’ll find out and what you’ll begin to think of me. You’re off at college and I’m afraid you’ll meet some girl who is so much more substantial and extraordinary than I could I ever be, because I’m dark and twisty and broken and I screw up all the time. I’m afraid of the next time I screw this up. I live our relationship in fear and I don’t think that you know that.
Tara, age 19
Grandma,
Dad says I look exactly like you. I wouldn’t know, you died when he was about my age and I’ve never seen a picture of you at Grandpa’s. Oh, how I wish I could have met you, even just once to see how you were like. If you’re reading this, I want you to know about me even if I’ll never be able to tell you in person, at least for a while. I’m starting my sophomore year in high school, and I’m a great student (I get all A’s.) I love spending time with friends and family, and from time to time I think about you and wish I could meet the woman whose blood runs through my veins.
Gramps remarried and I love him with all my heart, but I wish that you could be a part of my life. You would be so proud of me! I hope we can meet in heaven so you and I can make up for lost time. From what I hear, you and I are quite alike! I wish you could be here to help me and enlighten me with your wisdom, I could use it occasionally (okay, you’ve got me, more often than not.)
We’ll see each other sometime soon.
I love you,
Aubrey, age 15
Eddie,
Time doesn’t heal all wounds. I will live the rest of my life loving you with a broken heart. It has been just over four years since I last saw you.
I replay that day in my mind all the time. You called me that morning and I missed your call. By the time I had a chance to call you back, you were already gone and I had no idea. I called you during lunch because I had just watched the show called The Baby Story. The husband reminded me of you and how happy you would be if we had a baby. I didn’t get to tell you that I made a decision and I did want to have your baby, after always saying maybe.
Later that day when I got the call from your sister asking me if I had heard anything, I knew something horrible had happened. At first, no one would tell me and I just kept asking and asking. Titi was the one that told me that you were struck by lightning and that you weren’t okay. I appreciate him telling me when nobody else could find the words. I knew you were gone but I needed to hear it to make it real.
My world was shattered when you were taken from me only two months before our wedding. You loved me like no one else has and I would have rather have had it for a short time than not at all. I can still hear your laugh and see your cheesy smile. You had such a big heart and it was filled with such joy and happiness. You were definitely one of a kind.
I want you to know that what happened to you has changed a lot of people for the better. When I tell our story, I always say “Always forgive” and “Life is short be happy” or “Don’t hold grudges”. I don’t know how I would have lived with myself if I would have been mad at you or something. I’m so glad I wasn’t.
You are terribly missed and if I had one wish it would be see you again.
I love you always and forever,
Rachel, age 37
Dear Pap,
I wish you were here right now. If you were still alive, Grammy wouldn’t be alone. She would have someone there for her. The family is falling apart. It hasn’t been the same since you passed away. I don’t think you will ever know how much I miss you.
Mom always says I was one of your favorite grandchildren. I think it must be true because i think about you all the time. When Grammy was in the hospital, all I could think was that if you were here, that wouldn’t be the case. I think about how much happier everyone would be if you were still here. So much has happened. You have great grandchildren now. They are all so cute. It’s sad that they will never meet you.
You are the most amazing person I have ever had the honor of meeting. And not only meeting but being related to. You are beautiful in so many ways and I can only hope to be as special as you. I have changed a lot. I wonder whether you would still love me if you knew me now. I will always love you. I promise.
Haley, age 16
To the one in California,
You are the one that got away. I compare everyone I’ve ever met to you. After six years, I still put you on a pedestal. I know things will never work out between us; not because we are incompatible, but we are just in different points in our lives. Our timing has never been right. We both know that. You have recently moved across the country, but I have never had more faith in anyone before. Although I know you weren’t together at the time, seeing you with Her put everything into perspective. It brought back feelings of how bad I’ve wanted you for such a long time, and how many times I should have said something to you sooner.
I savored every single second of the night we shared together because I knew deep down it probably wouldn’t happen again. I think of you often, but you are moving on and I can see that, and every fiber in my being wants to be there with you for each step of your journey.
I wonder if I’ll actually send this to you, however, I think I will regret even more not telling you how I feel. Part of me wants to think you already knew this was coming, the other part of me is kicking myself because it’s too late. I had to gain the satisfaction of at least knowing that I tried.
Maybe it’s selfish, but I feel like this letter was a long time coming. I have so much respect for you and think of you in such high regard. I hope this doesn’t completely put you off. There have been countless times when I can remember wishing you were here to share a memory with me, but you have been somewhere else. And that “somewhere else” has yet to realize how lucky it is.
The biggest mistake you can make is doing nothing because you’re too scared to make a mistake. Don’t ever hesitate and never doubt yourself.
All my love,
The one who’s waiting, age 21
Dear Dad,
It’s been a little over a year since you died. I still wake up in the mornings with the urge to call you. You were my best friend. When I went off to school I never imagined that you wouldn’t be home when I came back. I signed up at the volunteer center to volunteer at hospice. I still can’t bring myself to go, though. I regret only going to your treatments with you once. You sat in there all alone most days.
You always told me that I would change the world. Every time I have a bad day or feel as if I’m not working to my full potential, I think of that and it gives me strength to do and be the best I possibly can. I miss you a lot. In your goodbye letter, you told me to think of us dancing in the mall, and it would bring a smile to my face. You were right; it does make me smile. It’s funny how when I was younger and you would make me dance with you, that I thought it was the most embarrassing thing in the world. Now, I can’t help but think how you won’t get to watch me dance at my wedding.
Sincerely,
Kas
Dear MM,
In 7th grade you left a note in my locker. In the note, you explained how you didn’t want to be friends with me because I was a liar and a bad person. You spent about three paragraphs telling me what a bad person I was. You told me you never wanted to see my face again.
When I got home from school that day, I went into my medicine cabinet and took about a half a bottle of Benadryl and about a dozen Advil. As I felt my body slowing down, I whispered an apology to you, and lay down hoping to not wake up. But I did.
I would just like to tell you that I am not sorry for anything, and I’m not a shitty person or a liar.
Sincerely,
K, age 15
Dear Father,
I don’t know if you even care, but this is your daughter. All I know is your name is Kevin and that you and my mother were engaged before you left. What do you look like? Do you think about me? Why haven’t I heard a single damn word from you?
Do you even care, really? I’m nearly sixteen now, you’ve had more than enough time to think of anything you need to say. And you have a TON to say.
I hope you know that I refuse to call you “dad”, because my step father deserves the title more than you ever will. To me, you’re simply a sperm donor, and it’s going to take a lot of explaining to change that.
Sincerely,
Amber, age 15
Dear Ex-wife,
To this day, I still can’t bear to say your name; I always refer to you as just “my ex-wife”. It has now been seventeen years since we stood in front of a priest and professed our everlasting love for each other, seventeen years ago since you walked out on me, and sixteen years since a divorce forever ended our relationship.
To this day, I still have no idea why you chose to do what you did. For two whole months, I was the happiest man on the face of the earth and I thought that you were, too. But you could not stick it out for even 42 days with me. I have tried and tried over many years to put some sort of rhyme or reason to it. I have come to believe that every single thing you told me about being in love with me was all a lie. You took advantage of my loneliness and held yourself out as a friend, lover, and wife, when you had no intention of ever being any of those things.
You said at the time that I should just forget you and move on. I have moved on but I won’t ever forget the hurt you inflicted. For nearly eight years after your departure from my life, I was in a deep dark place from which no one could reach. It was only when I decided that you were not worth ruining my life for that I finally decided to come out and start living again. And I finally let myself learn to love again, and now I am with someone that gives my life total meaning and unconditional love.
I hope and pray that someday every bit of this will sink in and perhaps, even years after the fact, it will sink in that you made a big mistake. Maybe someday you will write a letter on here saying you realize how wrong you were.
I don’t wish you ill, but I do hope you will come to a place where you realize that someday you will have to answer for what you did to me.
Until then,
Ex-husband, age 42
Dear girl in the grocery check-out line,
I’m sorry, but when you asked me how I am doing I lied. You see, the truth is I am precisely the opposite of fine.Today would have been my best friend’s 20th birthday. He drowned over five months ago. Every day I put a smile on my face and pretend that I’m okay when in reality I am screaming out for someone to talk to, someone to lean on…
Maybe you could have been that person.
Sincerely,
Macaroni Girl, age 17
Dear Mother,
I was only ten when you took your life, and at the time I left like you took part of mine too. I’m old enough to see now that you didn’t intend to hurt me, you just wanted to stop hurting yourself.
I’ve felt almost every emotion possible over the last nine years and I've cried myself to sleep so many nights.
I just wanted to tell you, no matter what you did and no matter how bad I’ve left over the last years- I still love you.
No one else will replace the years you’ve given me.
Courtney, age 19
Dear Dahile,
I wish I could write how much I miss you. I’ve never had a connection with anyone like I did with you. You were my best friend and you will always be. Although you were a dog, my heart breaks every time I talk about you. I drew a tattoo today. I’m getting it for you. Even though I’m crying as I write this and I will most likely cry again when I read it, I want you to know I will never forget you, not now, not ever. I wish you were still here today.
I’m graduating college in a year…can you believe it? I wish you were around longer. I feel like you were only here for a short while. I wish you got to meet Rudi, our other dog. He has such an attitude problem and I know you would have whipped him into shape! Basically I want to say goodbye because although I said it to you a million times before you passed, a part of me is still holding on.
I also wanted to say thank you. Thank you for teaching me how it feels to be loved without words. Thank you for teaching me how to grieve the right way, and thank you for taking up a certain part of my heart forever. You will always be my babygirl and I know you’re watching down from heaven. Be good, I love you.
Haley, age 20
Dear Mom,
I wish we had a better relationship. I see girls talking with their mothers about things I would never even think about mentioning to you. You aren’t harsh, you just make fun of me. You always steal my thunder, you never listen, and most of all, you don’t believe me.
Mom, I need help. Believe me, please believe me, then maybe you will understand when I’m gone.
Your Daughter,
Abby, age 14
Dear Daddy,
I want you to know that I forgive you. For everything. I know you didn’t mean to hurt any of us. I think I understand now at least a little bit of how much you must have been hurting yourself.
I know I was probably the hardest on you of all of us. I was so blunt, and I couldn’t remember how things were before it got really bad. I still don’t, but Jen and I have talked about it and I realize that you weren’t always this way. But even if you were always this way, you’re still my Daddy and it wouldn’t change the fact that I love you.
I used to wish you would die. I thought if you got hit by a car on the way home from the bar then mom would be free and we could all be happy. I didn’t realize that mom loves you very much. She wouldn’t have been happy if you’d been killed - she’d have been miserable. But at the time I felt so trapped and I thought she must have felt trapped, too. I’m sorry I ever thought that way about you. Most of all, I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you or stop you. I’ll always wish I would have said something, ANYTHING, that would have made you quit.
I’m so sorry that I will never have the guts to say this to you before you do die. It probably wouldn’t change anything - you already know I love you. But I wish you could know that I forgive you, I’m not angry with you and I love you so much. I always have. That’s why I was so pissed off.
It’s going to kill you. I can already see it happening. I’m so sorry I can’t stop it. And I’m sorry I gave up on you.
Love,
Me, age 29
Dear Kelly,
One of my biggest regrets with you is time. I wish I could have had more time with you. It has been over 33 years since your life was abruptly ended and I still miss you as much today as I did then. I wish that I could have been on those fishing trips with you and dad and shared the laughter and camaraderie with you two. I couldn’t have had a better little brother than you. I think of you often. I relive many things in my memories of us together growing up. I wish you were still here.
Mickey
Dear Mary,
I love you. No I mean, I really do. I legitimately, totally, undeniably love you. I’m not talking about the love of a friend, or a brother, or a close acquaintance. I’m talking full on, romantic, mind boggling, gut-wrenching love. I don’t even know how. I haven’t even known you that long, yet I feel like everything just kinda fell into place for us. At the most inopportune and terrible time. I had her, and that was okay with me. But then I tried to leave her for you, and that turned out terribly, didn’t it? I can’t believe how twisted that path got. I really tried to make it work but I just couldn’t do it. And to be honest, I couldn’t do it because I was scared.
I was scared that loving you, that going for you, was the worst possible thing I could do. That no matter how hard I tried, it was a futile attempt at a doomed situation. Now that I think about it, I really wish I had the guts to stick with my decision. I really wish I could’ve just done what I had set out to do. I just think that it would have been perfect. For however long it lasted. Nothing would have been wrong. I would have gotten to love and be with my best friend.
But now I have to settle for seeing you every now and then, repressing the feelings I still have, the love in my heart. I have to say, “No, stop that. It’s over.” I have to look into your eyes, speak to you like we’re just two people who happen to know each other, and just brush past each other going our separate ways. It kills me.
It kills me.
-Seth
Dear Stacia,
I’ve never really been sure of you. Not really. But as the years go by and I gain more and more understanding, the realization just kills me.
I’m not really sure why you’ve always been ashamed of me. Remember how you would always have something better to do than just spend a few moments with me? You were my older sister, I looked up to you. I know you never asked for that role, I just wish that you would have cared a little bit despite that.
I’m not really sure why you lie all the time. Maybe you crave attention. I can understand it. We’ve been through a lot, you and I. You’ve been through even more than I have. I honestly don’t know what you’ve really been through most of the time, seeing as you can never get your story straight. Remember when you were 12 and you pretended to be unconscious and a helicopter came? Remember how you told people that I was sleeping with D.? Maybe you’ll find the truth one day.
I’m not really sure why you left without telling me goodbye. It was on your 18th birthday, and I had called to wish you a happy birthday, but you just stayed silent on the other end. I remember the day that Mom came and told me that you had left town with that stupid boyfriend of yours, and refused to say where you were going. I think that may have been one of the worst days of my life.
Despite all of the things that I am unsure of about you, I’m 100% sure that I love you, and I would do anything for you. Please come home, Stacia. I miss you.
Your sister,
Amy, age 17
Dear Gramps,
I wanted to say goodbye but they wouldn’t let me. I think about it often. I miss you everyday.
All my love,
Your youngest grandchild
Dear Emily,
Thank you for being the only one there when I needed you the most. I guess that’s the least I can say, and I’m not very good at expressing myself, but I appreciate you beyond words. Your strength mirrors your courageous heart. I know times were rough– the first eleven years of your life–some people say the spark left your eyes. But I know, I see it, every time I look at you, that the spark never left. Your eyes still shine as bright as they did before the darkness enveloped you. You didn’t crumble when most people would have, and so now I owe you everything.
You’re getting there: one step at a time. And that’s good enough for me.
Sincerely,
Emily, age 16
Dear Jazzy,
What can I say? It has been two and half years since you tried to take your life. It has changed my life completely and opened me to a better life with you and our son. Thank you for not dying on me.
It took everything in me to cut you down and revive you. I was horrified for months and months. The image of you hanging in the barn has haunted me for a long time. Some nights I still have nightmares of that awful day.
I wanted to run away screaming but I did not. You opened your eyes two days later and I fell in love with you all over again. I probably would not be on this Earth if you would of died.
We have been through alot and I know our love will only grow even more stronger. You are a blessing and I would be lost without you. I have something to say to you.
I am sorry that I was such an evil beast and that I wounded and broke your heart and soul so much that I drove you to try and commit suicide to escape me…
Sincerely,
Gaby, age 33
Dear Marcus,
Remember last summer? We met at the park, by the pond, on a typical warm sunny day. I was a bit nervous to get back on my longboard since I hadn’t rode for a couple years. You showed up, cool as can be on your skateboard. I thought you were possibly the most attractive guy that has ever smiled at me before. You were 26. And me? Well I was a ‘mature’ 17 year old. At least I thought I was mature since a guy like you wanted to go out with me.
What I didn’t know was the only place we really were gonna go was the Seven Eleven to buy alcohol. Then sit in the back of my car while it rained hard through the night, pounding on my windshield. I also didn’t know how drunk I could get. There’s a list of things I didn’t know, such as you letting me drink past the point of drunk, while you never got past tipsy. Nor was I aware that you wanted to take advantage of me in the ways you did. I guess you never knew what “stop” or “no” meant before I told you.
Then when you found out what they meant, I didn’t know I was the one to take the punishment, blow by blow across the face. Next time, I won’t scream or cry. I still have nightmares from you choking me out. I still pretend like nothing ever happened. Don’t worry, I learned my lesson. You would probably be happy to know that no other guy has respected me yet either. I must be a magnet for fools. So don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.
Sincerely,
Jackie, age 18
Dear Mom,
If you were still here, I would like to tell you that I wish we would have had a closer relationship. Growing up with you, I was always at arms length but never in your arms. It was pretty lonely as a child. I really needed your guidance and support, but most of all, I want to forgive you of that so I can move on with my life. I love you very much.
Chris, age 32
Dear Eva,
I’ve been wanting to say this: I hope you feel better and I’m sorry you stepped on a nail. I hope you feel better.
Sincerely,
Eli, age 8
Dear C.J.,
You were and are my first love. You are the only person in my life that I actually let inside my heart. That’s why it pains me to say to you that I am leaving. Leaving you and this small town. I just don’t know who I am and I need to find that person in order to be happy. I need to depend on me for once and not everyone else. I want you to know you are and will always be a great person and a great boyfriend, inside and out. I just can’t give my whole self to you, or any person at this point in my life, until I find me. I hope life treats you well and if we do meet up again. I’ll love you forever.
Your Love,
Erika
Dear Uncle,
I still feel lost without you. You mean the world to me. I wish you know this with all your heart. I only started to realize just before you got sick how important you are to me now and how you made my childhood what it was, you incredible man. If you weren’t there, I would not be the caring person I am today. Thank you for putting all this love in me, and for teaching me what little you could in the time we had. Thank you for teaching me about family, fairness, love, life, and humor.
I have so many questions to ask you and I wish you were here to answer them. I have so many prayers to send you, I wish you knew I think about you every day. I wish you knew that I think of you whenever I have to make a tough decision and I wonder what you would say.
The way you died makes no sense to me. Why God would take you so quickly from us but let you suffer so long is beyond me. I will never understand death. I will never understand why you didn’t get all the wonderful things you deserved in this life. Though I don’t believe in a typical one, I hope there is a heaven, for you of all people deserve to be in it.
Like my last request, I hope a letter from you will one day reach me and be a sign. A sign that you know how much I love you. A sign that you’ll forever be in my heart and whatever questions I ask you, deep down I’ll know the answer you would give me. I hope you stay with me forever, go with me everywhere and continue to teach me all that you know. Please let your spirit flow through me, guiding me in all the right directions. I wish to be infinitely more like you. You are my idol and I love you. Please write back.
Si Sefe,
Your daughter-niece, age 21
Dear Grandpa,
You were my everything. I wish I could have told you how much you meant to me. In my eyes, you are a knight in shining armor. I know that wherever you are, you’re looking after me. The biggest blessing in my life was having a grandpa like you. It hurts so bad to know you’re gone. I can’t even explain it. It makes me sick to know I can’t come see you anymore.
I remember you used to ask when I’d come spend a weekend on your farm with you, I always said, “Soon, Grandpa, soon.” I had so many chances that I took for granted. I hate myself for it, Grandpa. I miss the times when I would come sit on your lap in your favorite chair and watch the horse races. Going to your house was like an escape from everything.
At the end of your life, I was going through a rough time in life and was taking it out on everyone. I regret not spending every last second I had with you and cherishing them. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could have you back.
You meant the world to me, Grandpa. I wish I could have you back in my life. I miss you more than anything. I would give up anything and everything to have you back. I love you so much. It’s been years, and it still feels like yesterday that I found out you were gone. I didn’t, I couldn’t believe it. It still feels unreal.
You will forever be in my head, heart, mind, and soul.
Love,
Your Granddaughter