The Things You Would Have Said
Month
Dear Biggs,
Today would have marked ten years since you walked through the front door. You were the gift I got for Christmas when I was ten. I remember the first day you came here, you were so nervous that the little nub of a tail you had was trying its hardest to make its way between your legs. You immediately sat and refused to move from the towels we set up for you. A few days later, we found you had nibbled into all of my brother’s and my toys and had to move you outside.
Even though you weren’t a puppy, I was so happy to have my first dog. I remember the first few months we had you, I would sit outside and just watch you nibble on the dried treats we would bring home. I’m sorry that the Playstation I got the next year took away from the time I spent with you. I’m sorry that the sports I got into in the following years took even more time away from us. I’m sorry that the girlfriends I had took away the weekends we had. I’m sorry my new friends took away the beach days that we had. I’m so sorry that I was so caught up with everything that the only time you got any interaction with people was when we went to feed you. I’m sorry that college took me completely away from you. I’m sorry that when I came back, things barely changed. You have no idea how sorry I am.
I’m sorry that no one was home when you got tangled in your leash and bent your back so badly you couldn’t use your rear left leg. If I could redo all of that, I promise I would. I’m sorry that when I was in charge of you, your meals were late and your walks were short. I’m sorry that the only time I realized how sorry I would be was one month before you left me.
I miss you so much, boy. Thanks for forgiving me. I don’t even think you were ever mad. Thanks for giving me the last day of your life. Thanks for letting me wash you one more time before you left, thanks for listening to me tell you about how college was going, thanks for letting me hug you to sleep even though I left you alone for so long. Thank you for waiting for me to come back, thank you for letting me keep you in my room one night before you had to go. I don’t understand why you ran away the morning you left. It took me two days to find you in that ditch, and by then I could only tell it was you because of the collar I gave you for your birthday eight years ago. I’ve never cried so hard in my life.
Mom says that you didn’t want me to see you hurting, and if that’s the case, then thanks for thinking about me when you should have been thinking about yourself. Mr. Biggs, even though you stood shorter than twelve inches tall, you were the biggest friend in my life. I miss you. Thanks for all the good times, thanks for enduring all the bad. I still have your favorite bowl, so don’t be afraid to come back for it. I love you.
Missing you so much it hurts,
Vincent, age 19
Dear Justin,
I would’ve said I’m sorry. I would’ve wished I stood up for you, backed you up, been your friend. I was too caught up in popularity and trying to fit in. It’s been eight years since high school. I still remember that day when my mom told me what you had done. You left me…just like I left you when you needed me most. I have now realized that God does things for a reason: we might not understand those reasons now, but one day we will. Still haven’t had that day yet.
Tomorrow is my wedding day and I hope your there looking down at me. I really love him, Jay! He reminds me of you sometimes. I love you, Jay. I still have the necklace you gave me in the eighth grade. I’m wearing it tomorrow.
Love,
Melanie, age 26
Dear Dad,
There are so many things I wish I could have told you. I should have told you that you will always be my motivation, my rock, my favorite person in the world. Whenever something went wrong, you were always there for me. I wish I would have spent more time with you instead of arguing with you so I could go see my friends, if just for a while. I wish I would have watched TV with you even when the shows you watched were dull. I wish I would have taken more pictures with you. I wish I would have showed you how much I loved you, but I thought I would have my whole life to do these things.
The day I saw you in Hospice, I was terrified. You were hooked up to so many machines. You didn’t look like my dad anymore. I was so scared I was going to lose you. I remember the smell of that place so well, and I hate it. There were two options for you; we unhook all the machines and let you go on your own, or you would be in a wheelchair and unable to talk for the rest of your life. We chose to let you go.
Sometimes I wonder if you would have came back and been able to walk and talk again. I regret letting you go, even though it may be a selfish thought. I still need you. I was only 13. You missed my high school graduation, and it was so hard for me. You’re going to miss so many things in my life: college graduation, my wedding, and grand babies. It’s still difficult for me to be enthused about anything or show affection. I think after you passed away I shut up all of my emotions. I’m still working on handling losing you, but I hope in time it will get better.
I still go see you and I talk to you. I talk to you about everything and I hope I’m turning out into the daughter you would want me to be. I want you to know I’m trying my best, and you will always be my rock and my motivation. I know you are always watching over me in heaven, and sometimes I swear I can feel your presence. That is one of the things that keeps me going. Even when I feel alone and lost in the real world, I know you are always right beside me, guiding me to become the person I want to be. I just want to make you proud.
Love,
Your Lil Punkin Butt, age 18
Boy,
When we were together, I felt so safe, like I could let the world crumble down around me and you would keep me safe in your arms. You make me smile like no one else can. You know more about me than most of my friends. Every time I do anything, something always reminds me of you. When I close my eyes, it feels like you are still here. Like you still have your arms wrapped around me holding me close. Why did you have to go? Why did things end the way they did? I loved and still love you. I want you back. It’s not fair that I’m stuck here without you. I can’t do this alone.
From blond haired cowgirl, age 17
Dear Sister,
I must start saying I love you. I do. I would do anything for you.
I wish we had a better relationship. I wish I could tell you about my heartbreaks, and hookups, and fears, and dreams. I wish I could let you know how it feels to be who I am, I wish you cared to understand. I know you love me, too, but why don’t you care about my life? It would have been great to discuss my heart with you. That’s what big sisters are supposed to do. They’re supposed to take care of their little sisters. You don’t do that. Why don’t you do that?
I will never let you down. Please stop letting me down.
Your Little Sister, age 16
Hey Tim,
Looking back on that time we had together is always hard for me. It was so natural for both of us and you meant a lot more to me than I think you ever realized. It’s been years now and I know we’ve both moved on. I’m really glad you found someone to share your self with; you deserve to be happy. And hopefully you’ve recovered from how bad I hurt you. I just wanted you to know that on the day I told you I didn’t want to be with you anymore, the reason I was crying was because I was holding back what I really wanted to say. I wanted to tell you I loved you. I did.
But I couldn’t say it, because I was told my entire life that boys would hurt me, that it would never work out, that you can’t be in love in eigth grade, that it can’t be the first guy. I wish I hadn’t listened to all that. It’s the only thing in my past that I wish I could redo. But the fact is, I can’t. Now every time you look at me, I feel the hate, and every time we talk as a group I know you do your best to ignore me. And you have good reason. I just thought you should know that I still love you.
-Emily, age 18
Dear Mom,
While doing some tidying up today, I happened upon a handful of letters you wrote me between the Fall of 1981, when I went away to college and January of 1987, when I was living in Cambridge, Massachusetts. I’m about halfway through them and had to stop, because of a heaviness in my heart. Hearing your voice brings you back, but it also reminds me of how much I’ve missed out on since your death in November 18, 1988.
Writing down that date gives me a chilling jolt: In two years, you will have been gone for twenty five years – the same amount of time I got to spend with you on this earth. That just feels so unfair to me.
You were a letter writer of the old style. I have many memories of you sitting on your chaise lounge, spending days on one handwritten letter to your friend Kay, or your cousin Sharon. Your letters to me are chatty, newsy and filled with humor, including a very short story called “McKay,” about a lobster I bring home to cook for my girlfriend. McKay is the lobster’s name. You often encourage me to study hard (“keep that pretty Runyan nose to the grind-stone!”), but stop at one point – presumably during one of my early academic slumps – to say, “Good grades in school are better than bad, Dan, but your happiness is the important thing!”
You take pride in your artwork, particularly a bust that you created in your YWCA sculpture class. I remember the piece well; it’s a woman’s head, topping a long, elegant neck. Her hair is in a bun, and she has a faraway expression. It always made me think of Modigliani. I’m not sure where that bust ended up. It may be in my brother’s home in White Plains. I’d love to keep it for a time, if it’s there.
More than anything else, Mom, your letters to me are filled with warmth and love. I often say the thing I’m most thankful for that you and Dad gave me is the capacity to love.
You end one letter with “And every night at 7:00 PM, consider yourself hugged – whether you want to be or not.” The one that made me have to stop reading closed with you saying, “I am so very fortunate to have people like you, your brother and your dad as my family. Don’t ever forget how special you are.”
You, too, were a special person. I knew it then, and did my best to express it in my awkward, late-adolescent way. You would have adored my wife Jeanette and our two sons, Diego and Jackson, and you would have been endlessly amused watching me struggle with them in the same way you and Dad did with Mike and me.
I’ll read the rest of your letters when I feel I’m ready to, and then I’ll put them in a safe place, so that I can share them with the boys when they’re old enough, and describe the remarkable woman who was my mother.
Missing you terribly,
Dan, age 47
Dear Bob,
Do you know that I still remember when we met all those years ago? You probably have no idea how many little, seemingly insignificant moments I remember with perfect clarity. Like the day that you decided you had feelings. I know that you have no idea how often I still think of you because of those feelings.
I told you everything that mattered. I may not have always told you details, but when something major was going on for me, you were one of the few who could tell. I hid everything about myself from people around me, I still don’t know how you managed to get through my walls. Even my other half does not know the true me; she just knows things about me.
Sometimes I cry when reading or watching a story about intense love, found or lost. I would like to think I do so because I’m empathizing with the characters, but that’s a lie. I can’t connect with anyone. I read letters on this site and feel as though I will never feel toward anyone how people feel towards those they love. I didn’t love you. How could I have, with you pushing me away from the moment we became friends? And doing so didn’t help either of us; we both still have feelings that friends shouldn’t have for each other.
But not love. Had you given us one chance, we both could have had someone that neither of our lives had. We probably would have gone out, and ended up best friends. Now, you’ve stopped pushing. You’ve stopped talking. I would be a lot better about this if I thought that you had stopped caring, too, but you’ve talked to me just enough to convince me you still do.
I’m in college now, where the depressed girl, only trying to survive, is gone. I’m changing every minute, discovering who I really am. I could have used you for this: you could have been on my side, supporting me instead of messing with my head. Although my core is the same, I’m not the same person I was with you. Please, let go.
Keda, age 18
Dear Mom,
If you hadn’t taken your own life, at 55, when I was just 21, I would have told you that as a young woman entering adulthood, I think I was getting closer to understanding your pain, instead of resenting you for being so unhappy during my entire life up until that point.
How could I have understood then, how can ANYONE understand who hasn’t also experienced it, the horrors of having survived the Holocaust? How could I have possibly understood the enormity and pain of having lost four siblings and your father while you survived? How could I have possibly understood what it must have meant to live in fear for two years while you were hidden in a basement with nothing to do except stare out the window, where all you could see were feet passing by?
How could I have possibly understood what it must have been like for you to have that pain, that contstant, nagging pain, that lead you to live the majority of your life in a darkened room, and how the choice you ultimately made was the only thing to help you switch that nagging off?
I think the most important thing that I now know, and this is the thing that I would say first, is that it was Dad, and not you, who is to blame for the confusion and self-hatred that I’ve experienced well into my forty’s. You loved UNCONDITIONALLY and did the absolute best you could. I know that now and I wish I had known it sooner.
I miss you and wish we could have known each other as grownups.
Gayle, age 46
Dear World,
I’m gay.
Leave me alone.
I never hurt you.
I am not evil.
Why do you care?
It’s not wrong.
It’s not affecting you.
My life does not involve you.
You do not control me.
So stop!
Go away!
I admit it!
I’m gay!
Sincerely,
A girl in the closet,
Taylor, age 16
Wesley,
I don’t know how to begin. I’ve been thinking of you lately. More than I wish to do so, my heart aches for you so much. You are my everything, although you are not by my side today. I love you so much. We used to tell each other our love was stronger than anything. I felt invincible with you next to me. It didn’t matter how broke or sad or how bad of a day it was, I could accomplish anything with you in my life.
Maybe our love was too strong for us. We were so young. Maybe it grew uncontrollable for us to bear. I’ve learned a lot from you and our love. I’ve never experienced anything more beautiful and fragile than the love you gave me. We were almost impossible to separate. Everything happens for a reason. I wish I still had some of the sentimental pictures and gifts passed between you and I. It wasn’t ALWAYS bad. The good outweighed the bad. Do you believe love conquers all?
I miss our conversations. Our own little world we had. Nothing could come close to it. Nothing ever will. Maybe I will find another love stronger, and more powerful than ours. But nothing will ever replace the love you and I shared. I am glad you’re life seems to be moving along nicely. I pray for your health and happiness quite often. Although I do not see eye-to-eye with you or your family, I still wish you all the best. You come across my mind everyday. I wonder how you are? What you’re doing? Wondering if I cross your mind? Do you miss me too? Will you be back someday? I’d forget all the pain ever happened as long as you held me in your arms once again. You were my best friend, Wesley. I hope one day you can look past the past and learn to forgive me. Most importantly, forgive yourself. I am always here for you, I wasn’t ready last time but I’m ready now. I will forever love you, for always and a day.
Taylor, age 27
Dear Boy,
I’ll never be able to move on from what happened between us. Yes, I’ve accepted the fact that we’ll never be together. It’s taken me a while, but I’ve accepted that much thus far. What I can’t accept is how I’ve lost you completely. I’ve lost you and it’s my fault. You were my best friend, and the times that we spent together were the only times in my life that I’ve felt alive. Everyday I wake up only to look into the mirror and realize how much I hate myself for what I did and who I am. Without you, things aren’t the same. Without you, I hate having to live another day. Without you, I’m depressed.
Love forever and always,
Girl, age 17
Dear Chance (brother),
If I could say anything to you, I would say that you are way nicer than Bo is. You take care of me better than Bo, and he would kill me if I walked into his room. (No offense, Bo.)
You’ll let me play you’re Xbox 360, Tiger Woods, and even watch movies. You let me hang out with your friends and you take me to get slurpees. You also let me use your money to get ice cream from the ice cream man or woman. I love you so much.
I also love you because you’ll stick up for me. And if I’m hurt, you’ll carry me to my room or the couch. I love you!
Love,
Mary, your favorite sister, age 10
Dear Mommy,
You’ve been there since day one, and I don’t think I can have a connection with someone greater than the one I shared with you. We always used to fight over the stupidest shit, and I know it seemed like I didn’t, but I always loved you. When the tumor came back, I shied away from you because I was so angry that it was happening to you again. All your body let you do for two years was sit and watch TV, and it destroyed me to see you deteriorate a little more each day.
When chemo made your hair fall out, I stopped bringing people over. I didn’t want them to see you like that. The night I wrote you that letter, before Daddy took you to get your last surgery, I wish I wrote more for your last memory of me. When you came home again, you were already dead to me. You only had two weeks to live but you were blind and forgot how to swallow. You couldn’t talk. You couldn’t function. I stopped visiting you upstairs in your room because I couldn’t even look at you anymore.
When you died, I was so happy that you could go be with Jesus in Heaven, and that you were finally rid of that horrible body you were forced to live in for two years. And mommy, I just wish I spent more time with you while you were sick. I wish wouldn’t have been so selfish, not seeing you to protect myself from getting hurt. I miss you so much and it hurts every day. Mommy, I wish I would have said I loved you just one more time.
I love you.
Courtney, age 15
Dear the youth of our future,
I was born in Missouri and grew up on a farm during the Depression years. We didn’t have anything much. We had no money, but my mom cooked out of our garden so we never did go hungry. It was rough on the farm with no money or groceries, and then with the dry weather drying up all the crops. They call it the good ol’ days, but it was hard work. We had to cut wood, and I had to milk three cows before school every morning. Dad always raised one acre of watermelon each year. One year, Pop put watermelons under a stack of hay so that we could have watermelon on Christmas. I would take a wheelbarrow out into the fields to find rotten ones and throw them over to the hogs. I also had to help my Dad when it was time to cultivate the corn. The corn was as tall as my head. He’d drive mules while I held a cultivator, and the corn blades would hit me in the face since the mules went so fast.
If I had one wish for all of you, it would be that you learn what the real meaning of work is. Labor. I think all the kids today should work on a farm. There is too much entertainment right now. You all watch tv all day or play basketball in the morning. When you want something, your parents give you twenty dollars to get it. My brothers had to work all day for neighbors and would maybe only get fifty cents for their efforts. I think you need to start appreciating what you’ve got, what you’re parents do for you. Have goals for yourself and work towards it. If you make it to that goal, set another goal. Learn to work for yourself. You can always get a machine now to do things for you, but you just need to learn how to do it for yourself. You should want that. I want that for you.
Please slow down your lives and get rid of these distractions so you can remember to cherish the real values in life.
Edna, age 86
My dear S,
I know that I am doing a bad job at being your girlfriend. I know that there are no excuses. But this is all rather new to me and I need some help. For the first time, no one is there to tell me how to do something. I act like everything is okay but I’m just confused. I’m figuring this situation out slowly. I want you to know that I am almost there. I’ve almost figured it out.
I know that I’ve never said this to your face but I love you…more than you could ever know. You are my world and I can only hope that I am yours, too. I am gathering the courage to tell you. Believe me when I say that I’m doing my best but am determined to give you more, so hang in there for me. I beg you. Once again, I love you.
Eternally yours,
L age, 15
Dear Albert,
The last time I saw you was on November 20 at STC. I’m pretty sure it was you I saw, and you were with your sister (I’m hoping!).
When I locked eyes with you, a whole rush of emotions and raw feelings came over me. You looked a lot slimmer than when I had last saw you in 2006. But you still had those amazing piercing green eyes that seemed to see right into my soul. We always seem to have a connection, even from the moment we met in 2001. I still remember us dancing that night.
I know that you knew it was me, too. Why we didn’t say anything, I’m not sure. Could it be because you saw that I now had a child? Maybe we just didn’t know what to say to each other.
We came across each other again, the same day, just as you were leaving. You put down some of the bags you were carrying, and turned around to look at me. We just stared at each other, and didn’t say a word. Part of me was afraid to say anything, for I was afraid of what might come out of my mouth. I’m married now, with a little girl, and even the wrong impression could open a flood of rumors.
To be honest, I’ve thought about you non-stop, and even dreamt of you since that encounter.
When we met almost nine years ago, I went above and beyond to impress you, even fibbing about my age when I knew it was wrong. But I’ve always had these burning questions in my heart.
Why did things never work out with us? Was I never good enough to be your girlfriend? Or was it that you were not ready for a commitment at the time? Did you only see me as a fling, a good time, but nothing long-term? Did you even love me, or was it only lust?
When we first met, I wanted desperately to be yours and only yours. And my heard pined for you when we went our own ways.
There are moments, even today, where I wonder what if? What if we had talked to each other that day in November? Where would we be right now? Heck, I’ve thought about calling you since then. But I don’t know what your place in life is right now. If you’re seeing someone or not. I guess I’ll just leave things as they are and see if our paths cross again in the future.
You’ll probably never come across this letter. But in hopes that you do, I wish you nothing but love and happiness.
V, Age 26
Dear Ex-Boyfriend,
Don’t deny that you were abusive. You did everything in your power to hurt me and to make me feel worthless, and then you turned every single one of my friends against me when I finally had the courage to leave you. I’ve been in years of therapy because of you. I have post-traumatic stress disorder because of you. I fear men because of you.
But you know what? I’m fine, regardless of the mess you put me through. I honestly love my life. I am now more confident than I have ever been, and I have finally found my voice. I moved away, have better friends than I have ever had, and have a wonderful boyfriend who won’t even raise his voice at me because he knows how it affects me.
I just wanted you to know that everything you did to me has made me stronger than I ever was, so your dirty tactics didn’t work. And I hope the next girl who you date has the courage to call the police and put you in jail, because I was too young and confused to know what to do back then.
Grace, age 22
Dear Molly,
I’m not really sure how things got mixed up with us. I’ve never been happier than I was during the two years we spent together. There are so many songs, places, everything reminds me of you and your infectious laugh. I know we’ve both changed, and I know we’ve had our tough times. I’ll admit I’ve made some big mistakes, but the fact that you won’t even acknowledge my existence anymore kills me. I’ve lost the love of my life, my best friend, and a family in the process. I just want to say that I always loved you more than anything, and I still do. I miss you, Molly Yo.
Dustin, age 18
Dear Old Friend with Alzheimers,
You may not remember who I am, the shape of my face or how I laughed as a little kid. You will likely never read this letter. At this point it’s too late for you to remember not only who you are, but who you were, and the people whose lives you’ve touched.
But we do. You were there when we tripped and fell, got a bad grade, or cried because someone broke our hearts. In our minds, you still have yours. And that’s how I hope you’ll see yourself one day, even if just for a moment.
We miss you, I miss you, but forever on you’re with us, even if you don’t know it. Wherever your mind is right now, I hope you’re smiling, even if we’re not there.
Regretfully,
Someone who should have listened more, age 22
Dear Mom,
You fought for eight long years, harder than anyone I have ever known. I kept wanting to tell you that I was proud of you and to thank you for being the best friend and best example I’ve ever had. But I’m sorry that every time I had to be with you in the hospital, nursing home or your last hospice room, I couldn’t say a word.
Thank you for the adventures. In the movie “Up”, Ellie writes Carl a note in their Adventure Book at the end and thanks him for their lifelong adventure. And although you were only around for the first twenty years of life, I want to thank you for the spirit of adventure, the morals, and the attitude I have now. It could not have possibly come from anyone else in our family. You were a miracle.
I just wish you could hear everything I say about you now. If there is a heaven, you’re surely in it. You have to be. I’ve never met more of an amazing woman.
I still miss you.
Love,
Your “clone”, age 21
Dear Sister,
Let me start by saying I love you and miss you so much. You were the sweetest and kindest and most loving person I have ever known.
The day you collapsed, I was on a business trip and mom called me in between flights to tell me you were in the hospital and that you were in a coma. I knew that you had been sick, but I didn’t know you had stopped taking your medication. Two days later, when I got to the hospital to see you, I was very afraid because I had seen that look before on my best friend’s face right before she died. I was told that you had a heart attack, but they were able to revive you. Carla, I wasn’t sure if you even knew I was there…I hope you knew. I talked to you a whole lot about different things. You stayed in a coma for six days and you died early Sunday morning. We were devastated, especially mom. We had only lost our dad three years earlier.
Please also know that your son is doing fine. I’m sorry you didn’t get to see him before you died. It had been seven years since you’d seen him and he was very hurt about everything.
I remember the last time we talked and you told me how much you loved and missed me. You were always kind like that. My husband and my kids talk about you often and miss you a lot. You were always good to my kids. They loved you deeply.
Do you remember when we were little and I used to always tease you and say mean things? I’m sorry. I could and should have been a better sister to you. You were the oldest sister of four girls, but I never wanted to listen to you. I’m sorry.
But we also had fun when we were growing up and that is what I will always remember. Mom and dad would take us on picnics and to parks and we did a whole lot of traveling. I really didn’t notice our younger sisters until we were teenagers.
Somewhere around our later teens and early twenties, we both took different paths. I joined the military and you never could figure out exactly what you wanted to do. But you were always okay and I know you’re okay now. I also know we will see each other again, but until then please know that you are loved and never forgotten.
Your Sister, age 53
Mike,
Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for turning my world upside down. Instead of talking things out, it was easier for you to leave. Thank you for not showing any concern, respect and care for me in what seems like ages.
It’s much easier for you to go on with your life. You don’t have the daily routine and worries we’ve had together anymore. Now it’s all up to me. I don’t cry in front of our children. I know they hurt and I’m just trying to be strong. I hope you enjoy moving into your new apartment. I know I’ll have a blast trying to finish the projects in this house you never did.
I never really knew what “take it day by day” meant until now. I guess I didn’t read the fine print on our marriage license that read “expires in 20 years”. I’m sure you hurt too, if only for our children. But I wouldn’t know.
Thank you for leaving me. I hope someday I mean it.
Kelly, age 45
Dear Momma,
Well, it’s almost been six years. I can’t believe it. Sometimes it’s still hard to accept that you’re actually gone. I could never explain in words how much I miss you, every second of every day. On Christmas Eve, Dad, Krista and I sat down and had the best talk we’ve had in a really long time. There were tears, of course (you know us), but most of them were happy tears. We know that it was your time, and that God needed an angel like you to help him out up there. We are so lucky to have such an amazing guardian angel watching over us. I still wish you were here, though. I have so much to tell you! But I suppose I’ll have to wait until I see you again. Then we’ll have plenty of time to catch up. I miss you, Mom. I hope that you are as proud of our family as I am, and please don’t ever, ever forget how much we love you. I look forward to the day I will see you again. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH! Please keep watching over us. We are so blessed.
Love you, Mom.
-Taylor, age 20
Dear voice inside my head,
Why won’t you just shut up sometimes? Why won’t you let me block out all those uneasy thoughts and those ugly memories? I don’t like feeling this way, like I’m worthless; like I’m not good enough. I know I’m not the most talented person, but I have very good things about myself. I just can’t seem to drill that into my head and make it stay there. Somehow you will rip apart any positive thought and replace it with bad one.
Like, why would you keep reminding me of him? Why would you make me want to be with him and want to know everything about him? He has a girlfriend, and that’s that. But why can’t you seem to understand it? Somehow you manage to give my heart that tiny bit of hope. It’s so stupid. His girlfriend is so talented and so smart and I can’t compete with that. I feel like a failure next to her and it hurts because…I just really like him. He is just so perfect, with those blue eyes and breathtaking smile. Why would he like me? He has a perfect girlfriend and a perfect life. But I…I just have a limbo of things going on and it’s a mess. Although, I would really like to know what’s its like to stay up all night talking to him, hugging him and just being the one person he wants to see everyday. Because that’s what he is to me.
So please voice inside my head, let me shut out these thoughts and feelings when I need to, because I’m about to cry and I don’t have waterproof mascara on.
Truly Yours,
G, age 16
Dear M,
I miss you. I’m sure you know that. After all, I remind you every chance I get. We could’ve been the perfect two, you and me. Taking on the world together. We complimented each other like a rhythm and a melody; together creating a love song that would be remembered for generations to come. What happens when you separate the melody and the rhythm? They both contain beauty, in their own way, but nothing can compare to the magic that was made when they were together.
Do you remember the weekend we went camping? I do. We spent hours on that sand bar, you, me, Lily and Lauren. You and I walked away to talk and I wanted more than anything to reach out and hold your hand. To be connected to you. But there was something in the way you strayed away that convinced me not to. We stopped walking and I looked into your eyes, wordlessly begging you to prove to me that we had something more. Honestly, I could’ve looked into your eyes for hours. Their deep gray-blue color was like a mist hiding your thoughts. I became so lost in them… then Lauren ran up, dragging me out of the wondrous fantasy I had created.
When we finally got back to the campsite you came into the camper with us even though it was “Girls Only”. I changed out of my swimsuit into pajamas, consisting of sweatpants, a tank top, and my purple hoodie (I never did get the smell of campfire out of that). You came into the room Lily, Lauren, and I were sharing and sat on my bed next to me. Across from us on a set of bunk beds were Lily and Lauren babbling on about some stupid gossip nobody really cared about. I reached over and took your iPod, while you took my phone and sunglasses. I scanned your playlists laughing silently to myself at the sight of ones titled “Reading” and “Sleep” which secretly, I thought were the cutest things in the world. I still remember listening to Coldplay until your iPod almost ran out of battery, even though I absolutely hate that band.
Finally I gave your iPod back and you returned my phone and sunglasses. I giggled at the sight of my phone’s new screensaver; you wearing my bright pink, checkered sunglasses and smiling like an absolute maniac. Truth be told, I still have that picture and occasionally set it as my screensaver just so I can pretend you still like me the way you used to. The way you did the moment that picture was taken.
Still, over a year later, I look back at the pictures that were taken that weekend and marvel at the fact that you and I are together in every single picture, but yet we only grew apart that weekend. Now I sit here wondering: What if you had chosen me over her? How would things be different? Would we still be together?
Sometimes looking back, I wonder if not reaching out was your way of trying to hint that we were over. Over before we even began. I like to think you were trying to save me the pain of heart break. Maybe if I had picked up on that earlier, I wouldn’t have felt this way. I was too caught up in the possibility of love that I ignored all your signals. Amazingly, I don’t blame you for anything. I’ve come to the conclusion that it really was all my fault for seeing something more than what was there.
I wrote this in hopes that it might help me get over you, but I realize now it only confirmed that you are still the only guy for me (and have been since second grade). Maybe one day I’ll get the nerve to send this to you, but till then, I’ll go on the way I always have; pretending I’m perfectly fine being just friends. It’s easier for all of us that way. But if you ever change your mind about us, you know where to find me. I’ll be waiting.
Sincerely,
Me, age 24
Dear Daddy,
I think about you everyday. I hope you think about me, too. I just wanted to tell you that I’m trying my best to be everything I can be so you can be proud of me. I make mistakes and I mess up all the time but they aren’t intentional. I just had a choir concert two days ago and I sang my first solo. I was so nervous but I know you were right there with me, telling me to go out there and shine. Thank you for always being with me during my darkest times.
I hope you have forgiven your brothers and sisters for what they have done to me and Travis. Travis and mom haven’t, I don’t think, but I have. I understand that they were coping with the loss of you as well and didn’t fully know how much they hurt us.
I wish you would have stopped smoking. I wish you would have seen how much we needed you and got the strength to quit. I wish they would have come out with all the aides to help people stop smoking forteen years ago. I wish you could have been here to see me make my first communion, my first and last soccer games, my dance recitals and choir concerts. I wish you were going to be here tomorrow to see me make my confirmation. I know you would be proud of my choice in sponsor even though everyone else isn’t.
I wish you would be able to walk by my side on my wedding day and I wish that Jordan and Audrey and my future kids could meet you and see you and get a hug and a kiss goodnight from you. I wish I still had you with me everyday of my life to be here and help me when I’m having a rough time, with my friends and guys. I wish the world for you.
I miss you everyday and I try to keep a smile on my face just for you, but it’s not always that easy.
I love you to the moon and back.
Love always,
your Baby Sophie, age 16
Dear Lee,
You leave me confused. My head says you love me but I want to be convinced. My heart doesn’t completely believe. Logically, I should believe that you love me. You buy me all these things and you tell me you do.
But with that same mouth, you make comments about my weight, my diet, my average grades, my lack of beauty, or how out-of-shape I am. I don’t know if you know that it hurts. I stopped eating last year just to lose an extra twenty pounds. I lost count of how many all-nighters I’ve done and I am afraid that I didn’t make fives on my AP exams. I gained some weight so I run miles on end.
I just feel that everything is out of control and that if I just have your approval, everything will be okay. I cried today cause I’m not sure if that is ever possible.
-Your daughter, age 17
Cami,
I’m sorry that I was not exactly the best employee the last few months that I worked for you. I know I did really well, but at the end I was not able to give you my all. I started slacking in January, and that was about the time my Mom’s cancer came back. Mom fought, and the cancer was too aggressive this time. I found out she was terminal in April, I made the decision to leave, and focus on her. I’m happy with my decision.
Those last few months, I tried my hardest to conceal the heartache and the emotional pain I was in, and the depression that was caused by knowing that I was losing Mom. And knowing that she would not be around to see my wedding, my first child, or enjoy her much anticipated retirement. I know that I tried my hardest to be friendly and focus on the tasks at hand, but in my mind knowing that I was losing Mom was just too much for me. And I’m sorry. I know I should have told someone, but I wanted to keep quiet in the hope that things might change, and I would not be losing my Mom.
Mom died about three months ago. She missed my wedding by about nine weeks. She was happy knowing that I was marrying Jack, my best friend since high school and the person who she considered to be her fifth son.
I’m sorry for what I put you through, and I’m hoping that your new ASM is as awesome as you are.
A, age 25
Dear Big Brother,
It has been a little over a month since you passed away, and you are the only person constantly on my mind. I know death happens everyday and I have been trying to accept that you are gone forever. I just wish I had more time with you. I think everyday about the big moments in my life that you are going to miss and it breaks my heart even more.
The night they told me that you had died I didn’t know what to do with myself. We have been through so much in our lives, good and bad. But now you were gone. You were the good one in the family. You had the brains, and the biggest heart. I have never met a kinder person with as big of a heart as you. You were beating the odds in this ‘family’. You were in your third year of college and had built your own computer, you were a genius!
Now, I think about all the times we have spent together and how much you meant to me. When people say 'the good ones die young’, it’s true. Twenty years young, you had a great future in front of you. I wish you could have lived to see all the places you could have gone. I know you are up there in heaven and I will see you again someday. I can’t wait for the day, but until that day I know you will be watching over me and I will try to make you proud. The last words I said to you were: I love you. I meant it, with all my heart. You were a great person and I miss and love you so much!
Love,
Your broken hearted little sister, age 17
Dearest,
You are my life. I didn’t think anyone else went through what I did, until I found you.
You give me the strength to make it through each day, and make me hate myself a little less each and every day.
I love you. They say we’re young and don’t know. But I know what this is. I’m no longer afraid of love, or being close to someone.
You’re perfect, even though you don’t believe it. I wish I could show you what you do to me.
Your kisses make my lips feel like electricity is running through my body, your arms around me make me feel safe for once in my life, and holding your hand makes me feel like I don’t ever have to let go. But you’ll never believe it.
You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.
I tell you of the nightmares that haunt me, but I don’t tell you what they are. What is it that haunts me so badly? What is my biggest fear?
That one day I’m going to get a phone call, and someone if going to tell me you killed yourself, and I will be left here alone, without your arms around me, or your fingers laced with mine, to watch my world fall apart.
Britt, age 20