The Things You Would Have Said

Dear Society,

You truly have no idea what you’ve put me through. All the pain and suffering, happiness and elation. You’ve tortured me for being different, yet applauded my “quirky” attitude. You’ve made me feel like complete shit, and thought nothing of it. I am weird, therefore have no feelings… or at least that’s how you see it. You think you’re so right, but in the end you’re quite wrong. You have no place to judge me. Very little of you actually know me. You make your idea of me by the things I say and do, and not by how I feel and think.

If you took the time to try to understand, you would see all the things you overlooked. We could have been great friends. I must thank you, though. Out of your hate came the man that stands before you today. A confident, self-assured person who knows where he stands and can take anything with a grain of salt. So thank you. Thank you for tormenting my young, impressionable mind. Without you, I wouldn’t be me.

Sincerely,

Dylan 18

Dear Dad,

When I was nine, you died of a heart attack. And for a good while, maybe five years or so, I honestly convinced myself that it was my fault.  I had decided to go to the movies that day, and that is where you started having chest pains and had to be driven to the hospital. I told myself if we hadn’t gone, we could have gotten you there faster and you could have lived.  But now eight years later, I’m 17, and I’ve realized that it was your time to go.  You no longer have to deal with chest pains, or heart procedures, or medicines.

But not a day goes by that I dont think about you.  I can’t remember your voice, which is what kills me the most. I wish you would have said more to me, spent more time with me, so that I could remember your laugh and everything you said to me. You were an incredible father but I know you had so much more to teach me.  People say I look like you and have your humor, and that makes me happy.  But I just wish they could say that and you were right next to me to hear it, too, so you could be proud.  I miss you.

Laura, age 17

Dear Dad,

When I was nine, you died of a heart attack. And for a good while, maybe five years or so, I honestly convinced myself that it was my fault.  I had decided to go to the movies that day, and that is where you started having chest pains and had to be driven to the hospital. I told myself if we hadn’t gone, we could have gotten you there faster and you could have lived.  But now eight years later, I’m 17, and I’ve realized that it was your time to go.  You no longer have to deal with chest pains, or heart procedures, or medicines.

But not a day goes by that I dont think about you.  I can’t remember your voice, which is what kills me the most. I wish you would have said more to me, spent more time with me, so that I could remember your laugh and everything you said to me. You were an incredible father but I know you had so much more to teach me.  People say I look like you and have your humor, and that makes me happy.  But I just wish they could say that and you were right next to me to hear it, too, so you could be proud.  I miss you.

Laura, age 17

Dear Cat, 

I want to pet you so stop running away. I really, really like you. I will take care of you if you let me pet you. I will give you water and food and let you sleep in my bed. 

From, 

Griffin, age 8

Dear Mr. K, 

I never met you. I was simply a friend to your son while you were very sick. When you died, I saw a large piece of him die, too. As I got to know him, I fell in love with him. In a strange way, I also fell in love with you, because he talked about you so much. I feel like I know you as well as my own father. You are still the biggest influence in his life.

You were the glue that held your family together. Your wife and one of your sons are alcoholics now. His mental health is declining. Sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping him in touch with reality is the memory of you. They don’t know what to do without you.

He is convinced that you sent me to him as a gift. I will do everything in my power to be like you- the loving, brilliant, supportive glue. For him.

S, age 25

Dear Brother,

Thank you for not overdosing. I do not know what I would have done if you killed yourself. I hope that you have stopped and you are getting better. Please never scare me like that again. I would love to see or talk to you. But if not, just remember, be strong.

I love you to the moon and back,

Sister, age 18

Dear Brother,

Thank you for not overdosing. I do not know what I would have done if you killed yourself. I hope that you have stopped and you are getting better. Please never scare me like that again. I would love to see or talk to you. But if not, just remember, be strong.

I love you to the moon and back,

Sister, age 18

Dear Sara,

It’s been 19 months since you’ve been gone and I still think of you every single day. Some days are easier than others. Then there are the days, if it wasn’t for the kids, I would hide in bed all day. Having to live life without you in it is terrible either way. Thirty years just wasn’t enough. It never will be.

I know you would be disappointed that I haven’t reached out to Landon since your murder. The last time I did, he thought I sounded like you on the phone. It broke my heart into a million pieces. How do you explain to a 3 year old that it’s not mommy and she’s not coming back? Honestly, to hear his little voice is just too much. I can’t help but think of all the videos of the two of you being silly together and that there will never be more.

Out of all the sadness I carry, I am so thankful that every time I ever spoke to you I let you know how much I loved you. I thank God everyday that there are no regrets between us. That the last few emails we shared, I let you know how proud I was of the wonderful woman and mother you had become.  I want you to know that every day when I look at my children I’m reminded of how lucky I am to have had you as a role model for motherhood.

I’ve had a hard time picking up my camera since losing you. I can’t help but remember all the times we talked about going into business together. All the plans we made for us to move closer together so our kids could grow up like we did. It just doesn’t have the same meaning to me anymore now that I don’t have you to give me pointers. Everyone keeps pushing me to jump back into the photography mode, but when I pick it up it’s more like a lead weight.

Everyone seems to be dealing with your loss in their own way. Mom is mom. She’s trying so hard to be the rock everyone needs, but I see right through it. She’s crumbling little by little on the inside. She has starting seeing a psychiatrist and that seems to be working for her. Jane, however, is on the verge of hitting rock bottom. She cries all the time about every little thing. I guess when she got so mad about how I was coping; it was only because she was afraid I would end up like her. It seems like her memories of you are hurting her. Jane is so lost in her sadness.

As hard as it has been over these past 19 months, I have found comfort in all the family pictures we have. Mom gave me the pictures you put together for Pawpaw and I have them lining my hallway to the bedroom. It feels so good to look back to all the fun times we all had as a family. I can’t help but wish for more. (And just so you know, I still have the picture I snapped of you on the toilet when we were 13/14! The scratches and bend marks from where you tried to steal it reminds me all those laughs were real.) It makes my heart feel again when I look through all the moments we had growing up. It makes it easier to remember you for all the fun times and not for the way you were taken from us. 

I know even though you are away from Landon that you are watching him grow every day. I know that you are with Mawmaw and Pawpaw somewhere watching over all of us. I miss you so much but I know Mawmaw is so happy to have you two with her now. And I also know that one day we will all be together again.

You will always be more than my Aunt. More than like a sister. More like my kindred spirit.

I love you Lizzie.

Shanna, age 29

Dear Sara,

It’s been 19 months since you’ve been gone and I still think of you every single day. Some days are easier than others. Then there are the days, if it wasn’t for the kids, I would hide in bed all day. Having to live life without you in it is terrible either way. Thirty years just wasn’t enough. It never will be.

I know you would be disappointed that I haven’t reached out to Landon since your murder. The last time I did, he thought I sounded like you on the phone. It broke my heart into a million pieces. How do you explain to a 3 year old that it’s not mommy and she’s not coming back? Honestly, to hear his little voice is just too much. I can’t help but think of all the videos of the two of you being silly together and that there will never be more.

Out of all the sadness I carry, I am so thankful that every time I ever spoke to you I let you know how much I loved you. I thank God everyday that there are no regrets between us. That the last few emails we shared, I let you know how proud I was of the wonderful woman and mother you had become.  I want you to know that every day when I look at my children I’m reminded of how lucky I am to have had you as a role model for motherhood.

I’ve had a hard time picking up my camera since losing you. I can’t help but remember all the times we talked about going into business together. All the plans we made for us to move closer together so our kids could grow up like we did. It just doesn’t have the same meaning to me anymore now that I don’t have you to give me pointers. Everyone keeps pushing me to jump back into the photography mode, but when I pick it up it’s more like a lead weight.

Everyone seems to be dealing with your loss in their own way. Mom is mom. She’s trying so hard to be the rock everyone needs, but I see right through it. She’s crumbling little by little on the inside. She has starting seeing a psychiatrist and that seems to be working for her. Jane, however, is on the verge of hitting rock bottom. She cries all the time about every little thing. I guess when she got so mad about how I was coping; it was only because she was afraid I would end up like her. It seems like her memories of you are hurting her. Jane is so lost in her sadness.

As hard as it has been over these past 19 months, I have found comfort in all the family pictures we have. Mom gave me the pictures you put together for Pawpaw and I have them lining my hallway to the bedroom. It feels so good to look back to all the fun times we all had as a family. I can’t help but wish for more. (And just so you know, I still have the picture I snapped of you on the toilet when we were 13/14! The scratches and bend marks from where you tried to steal it reminds me all those laughs were real.) It makes my heart feel again when I look through all the moments we had growing up. It makes it easier to remember you for all the fun times and not for the way you were taken from us. 

I know even though you are away from Landon that you are watching him grow every day. I know that you are with Mawmaw and Pawpaw somewhere watching over all of us. I miss you so much but I know Mawmaw is so happy to have you two with her now. And I also know that one day we will all be together again.

You will always be more than my Aunt. More than like a sister. More like my kindred spirit.

I love you Lizzie.

Shanna, age 29

Dear Clayton,

I loved you every day that you told me to wait. You asked me not to give up on you, so I didn’t. I waited, day after day. I wrote you 822 letters: each of them was sent, none were ever reciprocated. Even though you never wrote me back, I still loved you. I just wish that that love would have been enough; that you wouldn’t have walked away, saying that you still loved me while all along there was another girl. She was close by, and I was not.

Even though I will never be there to watch you do all the amazing things that I know you will do, know that I will always love you.

I just wish you had loved me the same way, too.

Me, age 22

Dear Daddy, 

I just want you to know how much I love you. Everyone knows that I am a daddy’s girl. You are my rock and my support. When I am hurting, you are there for me no matter what. Your arms are always open wide for me to fall into when I feel like everyone else has turned their backs on me. Even when you disagree with some of the decisions I make, you are always quick to forgive me. You tell me that it is in your blood to fix everything, even when you can’t. Dad, you are my Superman.  I am so thankful for that.

Dad, I know that you do not agree with some of the decisions I have made recently. But I want you to know that even though I make stupid mistakes and we don’t agree on a few issues, your respect and approval are so important to me. I’m sorry that I got a tattoo, even though you do not agree with my reasoning. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you when you told me to work harder in school. I feel like I have let you down. I’m sorry that I stopped going to church. Faith is one of the most important things to you. I can see the disappointment in your eyes when you hear that I have not been to church or even prayed since I have come to school. I can see it even when you don’t say it. You don’t have to say anything, I know. Even though I wanted to be the best daughter I could be, I let temptation get the best of me at times.

I’m sorry that I let you and mom fight about my poor choices. I sat in my room and listened to you argue about my problems. I’m sorry I made her cry. You have told me time and time again that no matter what happens, you will always love me and support me. You have proved this to me everyday of my life.

I am your first-born, your number one. I will always hold the memories of us biking in the mountains, you teaching me to water ski, and all of our conversations close to my heart. Thank you for helping me to conquer my fears and be the best person I can be. You always pushed me to work harder and be better. At times I wished you would just leave me alone, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you for never giving up on me. I just want you to be proud of me. 

After finishing my first semester away from home, I have learned a lot about myself. It has also made me really appreciate the relationship we have and everything we have been through. I don’t think I would have gotten through this semester without your support and random text messages that simply tell me how much you love me and are proud of me. That little reminder has given me the strength to work hard and continue to be the best I can be. Through all my triumphs and all my fails, I want you to know that you have raised a strong woman. 

I love you so much daddy and I am so grateful for you. I could not have asked for a better father. 

With all the love a daughter can give, Your number one, age 18

My sweet baby boy,

You were only three years old when you went to heaven. If I could tell you anything, I would say thank you for bringing so much love and joy to me and your daddy. I wake up thinking about you and I go to bed thinking about you. I will never understand why God took you away so quickly from our lives.

I do know that, because of you I realized what I should do with the rest of my life.  You are the inspiration for me to get my degree so I can teach preschool. I know that by helping children, I will be honoring your spirit and your love for life.

I’m so happy that we spent so much time together painting, going to the zoo, playing sports and looking at the stars. Just like I told you how “you’re the best boy in the whole world,” I know you are also the “best boy in heaven too”. The pain of missing you will never go away. I know this for a fact. I will continue on because I know one day we will be reunited.  Until then, I love you and miss you every minute of every day.

Love,

Mommy, age 38

My sweet baby boy,

You were only three years old when you went to heaven. If I could tell you anything, I would say thank you for bringing so much love and joy to me and your daddy. I wake up thinking about you and I go to bed thinking about you. I will never understand why God took you away so quickly from our lives.

I do know that, because of you I realized what I should do with the rest of my life.  You are the inspiration for me to get my degree so I can teach preschool. I know that by helping children, I will be honoring your spirit and your love for life.

I’m so happy that we spent so much time together painting, going to the zoo, playing sports and looking at the stars. Just like I told you how “you’re the best boy in the whole world,” I know you are also the “best boy in heaven too”. The pain of missing you will never go away. I know this for a fact. I will continue on because I know one day we will be reunited.  Until then, I love you and miss you every minute of every day.

Love,

Mommy, age 38

Dear Tiger,

All the memories I have of you can’t be put into one letter.  It’s crazy to think that years have gone by and I still miss you the same as when I first found out you got out of the house.  Some people may say, “Oh it’s just an animal,” but you were family to me and you still are.  I always knew there would come a day when you would leave to a better place, but I think if I would have known you died, I would have gotten closure.  Instead, I still hope to come home and see you waiting for me, jumping around, or barking like the little lung you always were. 

You were already old, so I know that my hopes are very improbable, but I feel so bad, Tiger.  I read someplace once that dogs will sometimes leave their house when they know they are going to die so that the family doesn’t see it.  But what if that isn’t the case? What if someone saw you alone on a sidewalk and took you? What if they didn’t treat you well when you deserved the best, because you are the best dog in the whole world? What if no one took you at all and you were left alone and hungry just roaming the lonely night?

I wasn’t in the country when you went missing, but I asked if you were found every day I spoke to Mom.  That night I cried myself to sleep with a picture of you in my hands.  When I got back I wanted to do everything for you, but a part of me feels like I didn’t do enough. 

I remember the day we first got you from that small little pet shop.  I wanted a crazy fluffy dog, but then I saw you–this cute little miniature pinscher doberman.  In the car you were jumping, trying to get out of the box you were in.  I loved you from the start.  Waiting for me every morning when I would open the stairs to go down to the basement.  Growling and biting any adult that would get near me, even though you barely reached their knee. 

I don’t know where you are now, but I hope you’re safe and happy. If it’s heaven, wait for me, because I’ll never forget you. I love you always and forever and I know mommy misses you even though she tries to be strong when I mention you, or when we see a dog that looks like you.

You know, I could always talk to you when people just brought me down or didn’t understand. I would sit down with you curled up in my lap and you would listen to things I wouldn’t want to share with anyone else.  I don’t have that anymore and it may sound stupid, but I really miss having you there. I feel so lost sometimes. 

You’re my best friend.

Love eternally,
Gaby, age 21

Dear Tiger,

All the memories I have of you can’t be put into one letter.  It’s crazy to think that years have gone by and I still miss you the same as when I first found out you got out of the house.  Some people may say, “Oh it’s just an animal,” but you were family to me and you still are.  I always knew there would come a day when you would leave to a better place, but I think if I would have known you died, I would have gotten closure.  Instead, I still hope to come home and see you waiting for me, jumping around, or barking like the little lung you always were. 

You were already old, so I know that my hopes are very improbable, but I feel so bad, Tiger.  I read someplace once that dogs will sometimes leave their house when they know they are going to die so that the family doesn’t see it.  But what if that isn’t the case? What if someone saw you alone on a sidewalk and took you? What if they didn’t treat you well when you deserved the best, because you are the best dog in the whole world? What if no one took you at all and you were left alone and hungry just roaming the lonely night?

I wasn’t in the country when you went missing, but I asked if you were found every day I spoke to Mom.  That night I cried myself to sleep with a picture of you in my hands.  When I got back I wanted to do everything for you, but a part of me feels like I didn’t do enough. 

I remember the day we first got you from that small little pet shop.  I wanted a crazy fluffy dog, but then I saw you–this cute little miniature pinscher doberman.  In the car you were jumping, trying to get out of the box you were in.  I loved you from the start.  Waiting for me every morning when I would open the stairs to go down to the basement.  Growling and biting any adult that would get near me, even though you barely reached their knee. 

I don’t know where you are now, but I hope you’re safe and happy. If it’s heaven, wait for me, because I’ll never forget you. I love you always and forever and I know mommy misses you even though she tries to be strong when I mention you, or when we see a dog that looks like you.

You know, I could always talk to you when people just brought me down or didn’t understand. I would sit down with you curled up in my lap and you would listen to things I wouldn’t want to share with anyone else.  I don’t have that anymore and it may sound stupid, but I really miss having you there. I feel so lost sometimes. 

You’re my best friend.

Love eternally,
Gaby, age 21

Dear Dad,

It has been almost two years since you died. I wish that I had more understanding of you before you died. If I did, I may have been more supportive, and tried to help you. Instead I yelled at you, and didn’t talk to you. I lost out on learning about you because of my own stubbornness. You had a problem, and you needed help. I may have been the person that could make a difference, but now I will never know. I will never know what could have been. I will never have a father-daughter relationship. You will never know how much I loved you. You will never know your grandchildren. They will never know you.

You were such an intelligent and caring person. The world is worse off without you in it. I feel sad when I think about your life. You never felt you belonged, and you didn’t know how to be a father. I blamed you for that. Of course it was partially your decision, but it wasn’t all you. I placed too much emphasis on the wrong things, and didn’t appreciate the right things. The thing that upsets me the most is that I never told you that I love you. The last time we talked I was angry and mean, when you were only trying to be nice. I put you down, and you let me. I feel that I could have saved your life.

I’m angry that you died homeless. I am angry at society for not helping you. I’m angry that you died in a tent, near an underpass, off of a busy street, in a huge city. People were driving by without a care in the world, and you were talking your last breath just feet away from them. I’m angry that I wasn’t able to give you a real funeral. I’m angry that you have no headstone to mark your life.

I want you to know how loved you were by so many, and how many people miss you, and cry for you. I know you wouldn’t want people fighting, but your death caused a lot of arguments in the family because everyone carried some guilt for what happened with you, and we all wish we had been better people. Because we had so much of our own guilt and loved you so much, we blamed each other.

I want you to know that I love you. I have always loved you. I have always wanted you in my life, even when I said that I didn’t. I wish I could change what happened, but I can’t. I want you to know that your life had meaning. You have made me a more compassionate and empathic person. I have now devoted my life to helping people who have been shut out from their families, and society. I want to give people hope. That is your legacy.

I will love your forever.

Your daughter, age 45

Dear Dad,

It has been almost two years since you died. I wish that I had more understanding of you before you died. If I did, I may have been more supportive, and tried to help you. Instead I yelled at you, and didn’t talk to you. I lost out on learning about you because of my own stubbornness. You had a problem, and you needed help. I may have been the person that could make a difference, but now I will never know. I will never know what could have been. I will never have a father-daughter relationship. You will never know how much I loved you. You will never know your grandchildren. They will never know you.

You were such an intelligent and caring person. The world is worse off without you in it. I feel sad when I think about your life. You never felt you belonged, and you didn’t know how to be a father. I blamed you for that. Of course it was partially your decision, but it wasn’t all you. I placed too much emphasis on the wrong things, and didn’t appreciate the right things. The thing that upsets me the most is that I never told you that I love you. The last time we talked I was angry and mean, when you were only trying to be nice. I put you down, and you let me. I feel that I could have saved your life.

I’m angry that you died homeless. I am angry at society for not helping you. I’m angry that you died in a tent, near an underpass, off of a busy street, in a huge city. People were driving by without a care in the world, and you were talking your last breath just feet away from them. I’m angry that I wasn’t able to give you a real funeral. I’m angry that you have no headstone to mark your life.

I want you to know how loved you were by so many, and how many people miss you, and cry for you. I know you wouldn’t want people fighting, but your death caused a lot of arguments in the family because everyone carried some guilt for what happened with you, and we all wish we had been better people. Because we had so much of our own guilt and loved you so much, we blamed each other.

I want you to know that I love you. I have always loved you. I have always wanted you in my life, even when I said that I didn’t. I wish I could change what happened, but I can’t. I want you to know that your life had meaning. You have made me a more compassionate and empathic person. I have now devoted my life to helping people who have been shut out from their families, and society. I want to give people hope. That is your legacy.

I will love your forever.

Your daughter, age 45

Dear ex-boyfriend,

I’d like to let you know that part of me is glad that you hurt me. Part of my is glad that you abused my trust, part of me is glad that you betrayed me. You knocked my self-esteem to its lowest. I was vulnerable, usable and disposable because of you. You made me feel like I wasn’t worth any man, like I was going to be alone forever. Like I had no real future.

But I’d actually like to thank you for it. If you hadn’t knocked me down, he couldn’t have helped me back up. He couldn’t have shown me how much I’m worth, how much he cares, how far my future will go. And now I’m getting married to him, while you’re still stoned without your highschool diploma.

Thank you for destroying me. You’ve made my life so much better,

Penny, age 18

Dear Dad,

I wonder every day how long you are going to be around. It’s so hard to see you go through the chemo and everything that has taken such a toll on you. The doctors said you would be here six months. It has been more than a year, so every day I thank God that you are here.

I know that in others circumstances, if I would tell you I met someone, you would be happy. She is successful, smart, kind and loving. She is hardworking and has everything going for herself, and the most important thing is that she loves me so much. I’ve never felt so safe and loved in my life. I know that it would be selfish for me to tell you about her, and break your heart. I know that it would make you sicker than you are, or maybe your would hate me and I couldn’t take it. So I’ve decided that I can’t tell you about her; not now, not ever. It’s ok, I can live with this, but I would not be able to live knowing that you could die because of me.

I am sorry if I’ve dissapointed you. I know you would not forgive me.

Your daughter,

Michelle, age 28

Dear Dad,

I wonder every day how long you are going to be around. It’s so hard to see you go through the chemo and everything that has taken such a toll on you. The doctors said you would be here six months. It has been more than a year, so every day I thank God that you are here.

I know that in others circumstances, if I would tell you I met someone, you would be happy. She is successful, smart, kind and loving. She is hardworking and has everything going for herself, and the most important thing is that she loves me so much. I’ve never felt so safe and loved in my life. I know that it would be selfish for me to tell you about her, and break your heart. I know that it would make you sicker than you are, or maybe your would hate me and I couldn’t take it. So I’ve decided that I can’t tell you about her; not now, not ever. It’s ok, I can live with this, but I would not be able to live knowing that you could die because of me.

I am sorry if I’ve dissapointed you. I know you would not forgive me.

Your daughter,

Michelle, age 28

My love, Why did I have to meet you now? Why couldn’t we have met ten years ago when we were free to love and choose.
For what it’s worth, it would have been you. In my heart it will always be you.
Sarah, age 32

Lisa,

It seems so silly for me to be doing this now, writing to you as if you are still here.  I’m trying so hard to forgive myself for not being there to help you that night.  I was given so many signs that something was going to happen, and I ignored every single one. 

Mom and Dad shouldn’t have come to see me that weekend for Jake’s birthday.  They should have stayed to be there at the hospital with you after your surgery.  Actually, I should have come to the hospital, too.  I know I would have seen the signs and insisted that you stay and not go home.  I didn’t think the hospital would send you home if you weren’t ready.

When you got home and called me to tell me about the pain you were in, I thought it was just a normal sequence of events, being that you just had surgery.  You said you felt weak, and I thought it was because you hadn’t eaten anything in a few days, and possibly a side effect of the pain medications they had you on.  I’ll never be able to forget your words to me, asking me if it was okay that this was happening.

That night, I had a dream that I was at a funeral.  I was crying; tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t stop. Lisa, I should have listened. I know now that it was the last sign the angels would give me before you died. 

I was supposed to protect you. You called me that night to save you and I didn’t.  

Your sister

Lisa,

It seems so silly for me to be doing this now, writing to you as if you are still here.  I’m trying so hard to forgive myself for not being there to help you that night.  I was given so many signs that something was going to happen, and I ignored every single one. 

Mom and Dad shouldn’t have come to see me that weekend for Jake’s birthday.  They should have stayed to be there at the hospital with you after your surgery.  Actually, I should have come to the hospital, too.  I know I would have seen the signs and insisted that you stay and not go home.  I didn’t think the hospital would send you home if you weren’t ready.

When you got home and called me to tell me about the pain you were in, I thought it was just a normal sequence of events, being that you just had surgery.  You said you felt weak, and I thought it was because you hadn’t eaten anything in a few days, and possibly a side effect of the pain medications they had you on.  I’ll never be able to forget your words to me, asking me if it was okay that this was happening.

That night, I had a dream that I was at a funeral.  I was crying; tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t stop. Lisa, I should have listened. I know now that it was the last sign the angels would give me before you died. 

I was supposed to protect you. You called me that night to save you and I didn’t.  

Your sister

June, 

I heard you fell the other day.  I called you and Sprocket answered the phone.  I asked for you and he said you had fallen and had been in the hospital. 

You have always been there for me since I was a little kid.  You were there when I was depressed because my parents were getting divorced.  You were there when I was an adult and needed advice about my marriage.  You were there when my father died; for not just me, but my whole family.  You were there after my open heart surgery and all my medical woes.  You were there with me through my divorce and my new life in Florida.  I just hope you realize how much I love you and appreciate your love.  

I pray you are okay. 

Love, 

Mitch, age 52

June, 

I heard you fell the other day.  I called you and Sprocket answered the phone. I asked for you and he said you had fallen and had been in the hospital. 

You have always been there for me since I was a little kid.  You were there when I was depressed because my parents were getting divorced.  You were there when I was an adult and needed advice about my marriage.  You were there when my father died; for not just me, but my whole family.  You were there after my open heart surgery and all my medical woes.  You were there with me through my divorce and my new life in Florida.  I just hope you realize how much I love you and appreciate your love.  

I pray you are okay. 

Love, 

Mitch, age 52

Dear Parents,

You raised me, fed me, gave me shelter. But I’ve always felt that you have lacked giving me one thing. 

It always seems like your jobs come first, and I hate it. I wish you would ask me about my problems. I wish that you cared more. I love you guys so much, and I wish that we could just get along.

But life gets tough sometimes and I hope that some day I will live up to your expectations of being your perfect child.  I hope that we can work this out.

Lots and lots of love,

Amy, age 14

Dear Parents,

You raised me, fed me, gave me shelter. But I’ve always felt that you have lacked giving me one thing. 

It always seems like your jobs come first, and I hate it. I wish you would ask me about my problems. I wish that you cared more. I love you guys so much, and I wish that we could just get along.

But life gets tough sometimes and I hope that some day I will live up to your expectations of being your perfect child.  I hope that we can work this out.

Lots and lots of love,

Amy, age 14

Pop Pop,

Crazy how the time flew.  I remember like it was yesterday. You were helping raise me while mom and dad were working all the time.  You and Grammy were amazing people for taking us in and watching us as if we were your own.  I never knew what it meant to lose someone until you both left me.  

I remember you holding my hand jumping off the 1 inch ledge and acting as though it was a cliff.  I remember how you were there everyday with Grammy for 5 years before she passed away from her heart attack.  You were such an example.  

I will regret everyday of my life for not getting to say goodbye to you.  I worked so hard to get all my finals in on one day to drive all the way home. I can’t believe the good Lord took you from us as I turned in my last final, only to realize all that work was in vein.  

If I could say one thing to you it would be, thank you!  What an example you provided on the dedication a father and husband needs to show.  A family man is what you were, and a God-fearing family man I want to be.  I see the old pictures and I wish I could have seen you one final time.  

I will let you know how the Phillys and Eagles do when I join you one day…(not that they will win anything anyway!)

Love you both and keep those dance moves rocking in heaven.

Your Grandson,

Andrew, age 21

Dear Girl,

I am sorry.  I know I was only seven, and I know people tell me that I wasn’t responsible. But I am sorry for what I did.  Every once in a while, I get updates and hear that you are struggling with drugs and are a huge participant in the party scene. It was a simple thing I don’t even know– the books call it sexual abuse. It happened once where I initiated it, and it lasted seconds but I still am angry at myself for letting it happen. I am sorry for what I did. I know people tell me that it’s not my fault since I had been abused–they say hurt people hurt people, and that is true. But it doesn’t excuse what I did. I hear updates about your sister and hear she had a kid, an oops baby. I think of what my brother initiated when we were young and I am sorry. We moved when I was ten because my dad was arrested. I am sorry that I haven’t told you this to you face to face.

I am sorry. I know I was only thirteen, and I know people tell me that I am not responsible. They tell me that I was growing into a young man. I am sorry that I made fun of you the way I did. I am sorry for the harassment that was a daily thing in the seventh grade. I am sorry that, for it to stop, you had to go to the assistant principal.  She called me to her office and told me that I was sexual harassing you. I am sorry that I took it that far and I am sorry for the way I thought of you. Women were objects to me at this point and for that I am sorry. I don’t know how your doing and hope that it is well. I am sorry for any negative impact on your life. I am sorry that I haven’t told this to you face to face.

I am sorry. I know I was only eighteen, and I know people tell me that it was not wrong; it was consensual. I am sorry that I used your past to manipulate you into giving me what I wanted. I am sorry that I pushed you to go father then you wanted to go. I am sorry that I pushed you to go farther then I wanted to go. I am sorry that I was an addict and used you to feed my addiction. I am sorry for the way you were an object to me. I hear that after we broke up, you went off the deep end and became a “sexual deviant”. I am sorry that I contributed to this. I hear that you don’t trust men any more. You want to manipulate them so you can get what you want because they are dangerous. I am sorry that I was an ass.  I am sorry that I haven’t told you this to you face to face.

I am sorry to all the women out there who I have mistreated over the years. I am sorry that it has become to the social norm for women to be sex objects. I am sorry that I contribute to this.

I am sorry and I know that’s not enough. 

Guy

Dear Rusty,

It has been nearly two months since you died, and people are looking at me weird. I think some want to say, “It was just a dog.” They wouldn’t dare.

I cry about you every single day.  I think of all the fun your Daddy and I had with you.  I watch the home movies we made of you barking at us when we teased you with toys.  You brought us so much joy, and with you gone, there is none.  None. Since you left us, Daddy’s father also passed away.  In 35 days we have lost two people very dear to us.  Life is not the same anymore.

Sometimes you were scolded about being scared of little things.  But I understood.  People scold me for being scared of what they think are little things too.  I was never mad at you for being scared of stuff.  No one knows what scary is to us. 

I would have moved heaven and earth to save you the night you died.  Daddy and I didn’t realize how truly sick you were.  You were brave to the end.  I don’t know if we’ll ever get another dog again.  I would like to.  It just wouldn’t be you.

Mom, age 38

Dear Jimmie,

After 13 years now, you probably won’t remember me as I was one of many then.  I just wanted you to know that, although you treated me like crap for the whole month we were “together”, you gave me a truly precious gift.   

You gave me a son who has brought me more joy, compassion and love than I thought possible.  He ’s everything I never knew I wanted.  He’s had a dad since age one,  a man who loves he and I with all of his being. We are very blessed.

Knowing and loving this child as I do, it’s a shame you’ll never experience that kind of joy.  Instead, you chose to break the law, hurt others, yourself and your family. Time and time again.  And now you’re back in prison.

I hope someday you’ll grow up and fly right.  I can’t now nor have I ever hated you; after all I have my son.  Thank you for realizing then that I was so very naive  and  telling me  that it was "my problem” I was pregnant. I t gave me strength to stop pursuing you. 

Sorry about your brother’s accident.  He was a nice guy.  He came to the hospital after I gave birth.  I don’t know if he told you that.

Your son’s mother

Daddy,

If I knew that night when you left for Maine that you were going to die, I would have told you I loved you and would have given you a bigger hug and kiss. I was too busy on the phone with my boyfriend and watching t.v to even care that you were leaving. I still remember your last words as you walked out the door. “Here’s your lunch money for tomorrow, honey.” I said “Thanks, see on Wednesday” and went back to what I was doing. If I even had the slightest clue that would be the last time I saw you, I would have told you I loved you and I always will. I miss you so much. 

Sometimes we didn’t see eye to eye on things but I knew no matter what I was Daddy’s little girl. I remember playing football in your room with you and Denny, and I wouldn’t catch the ball. It never was my fault, it was always just a bad throw. Then you would through the same pass to Denny and when he wouldn’t catch it, it was his fault. 

Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night hoping in the morning we can go fishing but I then remember we can’t. Because you aren’t coming home. I wish you were still here because then I would still have my family. You and Papa were the ones who kept us together, Daddy. It’s been almost 10 years since you went to heaven and I still think about you everyday. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and other times it seems like a life time. I love you Daddy. 

Jennifer, age 24

Dear Brother, 

Three years ago around Christmas time, Dad tried to kill himself. When I visited him in the hospital, he told me he had a noose prepared in the attic. I knew the Christmas presents weren’t up there. I just didn’t know how else to tell you. 

I’m sorry.

Haley, age 16

Dear Driver,
 
After almost 15 years now, I still think about you. Who you where or what you did for living.
 
I wonder why you didn´t stop to help my parents, the couple that you hit with your car. After the accident they where never the same. My mom got very sensitive and my dad started to get mad to her because she didn´t have the same patience as before. To tell you the truth, she doesnt has any patience at all. They almost got divorced because of this. They also lost all their friends because of their sudden change of attitude towards life.The accident changed their lives. You changed their lives. 
 
So far, I don´t want to learn how to drive in fear of doing the same to a couple, in fear that I would do the same to a child, like you did to me.
 
I lost my parents that day, they were never the same. I love them and trust them now, but we are so different. They dont care about what do I do, or the things I like. They really don´t care about my girlfriend who I chose to be my future wife. I don´t know how to overcome this barrier. I really wish for a more closer relationship with them. 
 
I still don´t know if you stopping would really make a difference. I also don´t know if all this problems would go away if past somehow changes.
 
But still, I managed to learn the things that are really important, like family, friendship, respect and love. I guess I have to thank you for that, because even when I love my parents, I think they are very arrogant and they take any moment to make a person feel really bad. I don’t know if its because of the accident or they have been like this all along. 
 
I blame you and you take all the burden, but really I thank you so much because is only by blaming you and the accident that I have learn to respect those who are different to me. I have learn to be humble with others. And I have learn to love without waiting for a comeback.
 
Sincerely
Adrian, age 24

Dear G,

When you passed away, I felt like the floor was ripped out from beneath me. It was so unexpected. I knew you were struggling but never in a million years did I think things were so bad that you would take your own life.

Most people were angry but I never really was.  I knew you; you are good and unselfish to the core so I knew that you didn’t do this to hurt us.  I just wish I knew why. What happened that day that you decided you could take no more? Why didn’t you call anyone? Did you think about us in the hours or minutes before you made your decision? It boggles my mind that you could take your life via such a violent acts as you were such a peaceful person.

So I have no anger, but I have tons of regret.

I wish I came back to visit more often after moving so far away from you.

I want to say that I am sorry that I couldn’t help you the way you have helped me all these years. I am sorry that I wasn’t there for you the way you were there for me.  Forgive me.  I am trying hard to forgive myself because I know that’s what you would want.

I am almost 30 now and in those 30 years I haven’t encountered anyone who was as good to me as you were. So THANK YOU. I wish I had told you that. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I love you very very much and I miss you terribly.  It’s coming up on four years and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.  I think that even when I am old and gray with grandkids, I will continue to think of you.

If there is a heaven, I know you are there and I pray you have found the peace and happiness that eluded you in your last years.

Love,

BL, age 30

To the three I will never see,

An apology will never be adequate. Your mother and I were, and still are, young. Her father is slowly dying. Neither one of us could have ever given the love or care you would deserve. The shock of new life in the family, and the disappointment on both sides, were enough that we thought the news might kill him. But there are no excuses that will ever be adequate either.

Every day I think to myself that I may be someones father by now. I like to pretend I don’t keep track, but you would be almost a year and a half old now, with a younger brother or sister. Every day I think about what I did, what I took away from you. What I took away in myself. If it weren’t for me you may be here, and that eats away at my soul. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that your father is a screw up. I’m sorry things happened the way they did. I know now in my heart that I’m a coward when it comes down to it. I can’t sleep because I imagine a life, a family, what might have been. I tried to live a life without regret, but I know without a doubt this will haunt me for the rest of my life. I beg god and you three for forgiveness, though I know I don’t deserve it. I’m sorry.

Stephen, age 20