The Things You Would Have Said

Dad,

I was only four years old when you passed but it’s taken me these 15 years to truly realize the extent of my heartache and pain. I miss you everyday and as I grow and become my own person, there’s nothing I want more than to tell you about my friends, my accomplishments, my dreams, my everything. I wish I could’ve gotten to know you over my life time and been able to see you through more than a just child’s heart and eyes. But, the memories I have of you are my most treasured and I will always see you as the best dad I could have ever hoped for. Lately, I’ve been looking for a sign, any kind of sign, to know you’re proud of me, to know you still watch over me. There’s nothing I want more. I truly hope to see you, hug you, and talk to you again one day.

I love you forever.

Sarah, 19

Tristan,

Mommy loves and misses you so much. It has been 10 years, almost to the day, since you passed away and not a day goes by that I do not think about you. Your daddy, brother, and sisters think about you all the time, too. I don’t understand why you had to go through all of the pain and sickness that you endured at such a young age. I think back and wonder if there was anything I could have done to stop you from being born so early. I wish I could hold you one more time and tell you how much I love you. Our lives will never be the same without you. I want you to know that even though you were only here for six and a half months, you changed our lives forever. I have found a way to focus some of my sadness and use it to help others. I am going to school to become a grief counselor. Every person that I help will be helped because of you. You will be in my heart forever. 

Love Always,
Mommy, age 29

My first love K.,

Lately, I have been thinking if I should write this and publish it here, and I decided to do it. I’ve become attached to this site. And maybe someday you will read this.

I have so many words left to say I that could not tell when we met the last time. I always felt more comfortable to write you than to tell you something serious in person, and that’s how the first time I expressed my feelings towards you long ago. It was a night of a victory to me when you replied that you felt something towards me as well. And then the second victory was our first kiss, I still remember it, and I went back home as the happiest teenage girl on earth! Gosh! You really made me happy. Thank you. :) Sometimes I wish I can go back to that night. Trust me, I wouldn’t change a thing about it! But I’m not a teenage girl anymore and victories changed into a lost battle when we had our last kiss in the airport in that country where I made my last move to get closer to you but it didn’t work. It simply broke me into pieces.

Deep down I wished you ran back to me and told me that we can try, at least we could try to make a chance for our story, to make a chance for us, but you just turned your back and left and I was staring at you leaving. That moment, I knew we will never be what we were again, and that I might not see you again. I’ve been in love only with you for three years, you were my first and my last option, and you were always there somewhere in my soul so I could not see anybody else except you. You were my world… Or that’s what I thought. 

Fifteen days ago when we met again has completely changed me into another girl. I was living in the illusion and got lost in the fantasy that one day you’re going to run back to me and tell me you’re sorry for what you did and that you love me and I’m enough for you and you’re never going to disappear, ever again. It’s all funny when I look back now. Tomorrow is my birthday and you woke up a new girl in me. I’ll start my 22 with a different feeling. Finally, I’ll breathe in a different way. The pain I was holding for so long was so great that it destroyed me. I don’t think I could ever get hurt like that again; I locked that sensitive and emotional side of me away. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll be able to feel deeply again. Only if I’m lucky enough, then someday I’ll meet that special man who will bring it back, and to whom I’ll be good enough. Till then, I’ll enjoy being with others only for my own benefit. 

I gave you more than enough chances to make things right and you didn’t. I opened myself up to get cut wide open. I finally moved on and I’m happy, nothing holds me back to you anymore. It’s sad, but I can’t lie. That’s something I never thought I’d say. I never pushed you away; it’s your own doing, and I’m not writing this out of anger, no. I’m writing this because I know that no girl will ever amount to what I was for you. No girl will ever feel for you the way I did. Maybe the same will go for me. There’s never going to be another guy that is just like you.

Darling, If we’re meant to be, we’ll find each other again one day and maybe, maybe I’ll fall madly in love with you again, just like before, and If not; then I really hope you find happiness in the decisions you made, because God knows I would never have chosen this for us. But I also can’t fix what you created, and I don’t want to anymore.

I hope you’re living your life the way you hoped to.

Sincerely,
N., age 21

Dear Bryan,

I saw you every now and then in high school and I had some classes with your sister. Two years ago, I heard you were diagnosed with cancer. I felt bad…Why does that have to happen to someone so young? I didn’t want to try to be friends with you just because you had cancer (now I wish I would have been a friend because you could have taught me so much). I watched as the whole school came together to support you. Everyone was your friend. I couldn’t figure out why you had such a large fan club–I figured it was just everyone pretending to be your friend. I realize now that I was completely wrong.

The Facebook page that was made for you made me realize that you were a great person. You fought this cancer with a constant smile on your face. Nothing was going to bring you down. Because of this, you had support from everyone around you–no one wanted to see that smile leave your face.

October 11, 2013 you died. The cancer finally took you, but it did not beat you. Even until that last moment, you were still full of hope. You didn’t let your cancer define you. You died just days before your golden birthday…you only had to fight another 6 days. I realize now that you let go so that you didn’t have to suffer on your birthday…you gave yourself the best present you possibly could have. 

Everyone is sad that you are gone, but at the same time, everyone is happy that you no longer have to suffer. You didn’t deserve the pain you went through. You are a great role model for everyone. You showed me that I shouldn’t sweat the small things. Life isn’t about what obstacles you have to face; it’s about how you face them. I wish so much that we could have been friends, but I realize that if you had not had cancer, I would have never known you. I would not have learned from you as I have now. I really hope you are resting peacefully, Bryan. You are missed by all. You have touched an entire community. 

Forever Touched,
Your Fellow Classmate, age 20

Ma,

The night I received the call that you had suddenly passed away I felt like I had just lost my best friend. It has been three years since you have been gone but sometimes it feels like you are still living overseas and we are waiting for you to visit your family here in the states. I never got the chance to tell you that you were one of the most wonderful women I feel blessed to have had a good relationship with. You were smart, kind, funny, and very generous with your time and love, traits I see in you grandsons.

When I married your son 21 years ago you welcomed me with open arms into the family with no questions asked. You made me feel relaxed and comfortable right from the start, thank you for that! I will always cherish the times we would spend hours talking on the phone, mostly about nothing. Thank you for all the advice, love and support you gave unselfishly throughout the years you were here with us. We miss seeing and talking with you but we know that heaven has gained a beautiful angel, who will never be forgotten!

Love,
Your daughter-in-law
Diana, age 40

Dear M,

It has been fun while it lasted. Our college days are nearing it’s end and I cant stop thinking of how life would be so much different without seeing you everyday like I used to. When we are together, the feeling is incomparable. It feels like I am invincible, like time is at the palm of my hand, time just stops when I am with you. When I’m with you, I feel so secure, so comfortable, so carefree. You are the closest to home that I’ll ever be.

Thank you for being with me during our college days. Thank you for saying that I am not as weird as I thought I was; for silently saying that I don’t have to go through this alone. If it weren’t for you, I would probably be walking on my own, probably drink til the lights went out, or just feel depressed or uninspired. THANK YOU for staying with me. I wish you knew how much I treasured this friendship of ours. 

I miss you but I don’t want you to miss me back because I don’t want you to feel the same heartache that I am feeling right now. I hope that I could see you soon enough so that we could go back on laughing at the small petty things because honestly, all that I am after is a life full of laughter as long as I am laughing with you. :-)

Sincerely yours,
N., age 20

Dear David,

There are so many things I should’ve before letting you go. As you stood there, in front of me, prepared to say goodbye, all I could think about was shouting to the world how much I love you.

I should have said don’t go. Stay.
I should have said hug me. Don’t let me go.
I should have said don’t leave me. Cause I love you.
Why didn’t I? Because it would be selfish. Going away is part of your life. Your happiness is mine, I couldn’t ask you to stay.
A kiss was all I wanted. Not a kiss on the cheek.
I will always love you, you know that.
I should’ve said don’t forget me, instead of “have fun.”

Everyday I wake up, you’re my first thought as well as when I go to sleep. It’s a nightmare that haunts me even when I’m awake.
I wake up every morning with the little strength I have and carry on with the day with the hope in hand that yours was better.

I think about how lucky the people watching you smile right now are.
I think about you.
I knew I’d miss you I just didn’t now I’d miss you like this.

C., age 18

Granddaddy, 

Well, granddaddy, it will soon be a year since you have passed away. I still cannot wrap my mind around that because it still feels like yesterday that I lost you. I miss you so much but I know that you are in a better place. God saw your suffering and I am glad that he took you because he loved you and needed you to be ok. I didn’t understand it and didn’t want to, but God knew better. Good news, granddaddy: our wish has finally came true. mom and I have gotten along since you have left us. We are now closer to each other than ever before. You must have had a conversation with God regarding us.

Thank you so much for that, I finally got the mom that I have always wanted. You are still looking out for us even though you are not here physically with us. Thank you again and know that your family misses you so much and love you. Until we meet again, I will remain strong for you because I promised you that and so far I have kept my promise. I will never let you down, granddaddy. Love you forever!

Your oldest granddaughter,
Nikki, age 32

Love,

I know we can’t be together anymore. I know its because you have so many problems to work out for yourself. I wish I could be there to help you with everything, but I know that you needed more than what my love could give you. I pray for you everyday that you will have a great life. I will always hold on to that glimmer of hope that one day you will be able to be the father to our daughter and the lover to me that I know you truly want to be in your heart.

I feel sad when I see you in a bad state. I have forgiven you for everything you have done wrong to me and I know you regret it. I hope you can learn the meaning of true love. Although I don’t know for sure if you ever truly loved me, you were my first true love and I will always be your love forever. I wish you all the best in life. I hope you will see the truth of my love one day.

Sincerely,
Your love forever, age 28

Grandma,

I never had said goodbye. You wanted us to remember the way you were, not when you were sick. I always remembered you prim and proper during the day. At night, curlers in your hair and cream all over your face. Always getting up at 6 am to make us breakfast and having your make-up on before anyone could see you. The times we had at the kitchen table with bowls of ice cream talking about the future and trying to guide me in the right direction. I have always remembered the phrase you used to say to me: “You can do anything you want, no one can stop you.” Now that you are gone, I am going to school and doing what I want to do. You gave me the power, I just did not see it at the time. I want to thank you for giving me the courage that I have today. You are my strength and I know that you are looking down at me with the bowl of ice cream saying, "You can do it.”

With Love Always,
Jenn, age 37

Dear Jadey, 

I think about you every single day. Even though it’s been about a year and a half, it still doesn’t seem like you are gone. It just seems like you’re away at school and I just haven’t talked to you in a very long time. 

Thinking about that day when I found out still makes me cry and I relived every moment that happened until the day of your funeral. I was shocked to find out you took your life and even more shocked that you did not come to me for help or a cry out. You were the happiest person I knew. I never saw you angry one time. You listened to your iPod in class instead of being the goof ball that you were every other day. I didn’t think about what you were going through or why you seemed so upset. You hid it so well that you were planning your death. You were the last person I thought would commit suicide. I still hate saying that word and saying you’re gone.

I feel bad for your family, your mom especially. She hurts every day knowing she lost you and she couldn’t do anything to save you. I think about her a lot, too. We talk about you and how we miss you. She loves you more than anything in the world. And the day before your funeral, your dad got baptized for you. He wants to be with you when it’s his time. I haven’t talked to Jasmine because I don’t want to bring you up and her not open up to me. I’m really mad at you, though. I’m mad you didn’t come talk to me and tell me you were hurting so bad. I felt like a big sister to you and that I had to watch out for you and everything going on with you and Timmy. I feel like I let you down and it killed me to know that I was going to text you to see if you wanted to do something that night and I didn’t because I was tired and just wanted to watch TV with my mom. I think about ways I could have done something to help you. But I didn’t and you’re gone and I can only hope that you’re listening when I talk to you and that God tells you I pray about you and your family…I miss you so much. The things that I miss most were you shouting my name down the hallway, you drawing on my math notes and your laugh. That brightened up my days.

I wear your bracelet every day, I never take it off; it’s always with me. I have a ribbon of you at school because that’s where I feel closest to you. I’m planning on getting a tattoo of ‘believe’ on my foot for you. So that even when I’m old and wrinkly I will still have something to remember you by. I’m doing a Suicide Awareness walk on Saturday. I hope you’re there with me and I hope you know I still think about you every day.

I miss you.
Madeline, age 20

Dad,

It is almost ten years since you have been gone. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I see you in strangers’ faces when they pass me by. I hear your voice in a crowded store. I smell your scent every time I go to Papa’s house. I miss you so much, Dad. It gets hard to go on sometimes without you, but I know you are guiding me and helping me get through this crazy life.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you took your last breath. I wanted to be there, but I couldn’t get there in time. I’m sorry I stayed away so much while you were sick. I had a hard time seeing superman get sicker and sicker every day. I should have been there. Your last words to me always brings tears to my eyes. I love you too, daddy! You were an amazing man. I wish you could be here for whenever I get married. I don’t know how I am going to walk down the isle without you. I don’t know how I am going to get through my future wedding without you by my side calming my nerves. I love you forever, daddy! Until the next one, keep on trucking up in heaven!

Love your baby girl
Beca a.k.a Frog eyes, age 29