Dear Jadey, 

I think about you every single day. Even though it’s been about a year and a half, it still doesn’t seem like you are gone. It just seems like you’re away at school and I just haven’t talked to you in a very long time. 

Thinking about that day when I found out still makes me cry and I relived every moment that happened until the day of your funeral. I was shocked to find out you took your life and even more shocked that you did not come to me for help or a cry out. You were the happiest person I knew. I never saw you angry one time. You listened to your iPod in class instead of being the goof ball that you were every other day. I didn’t think about what you were going through or why you seemed so upset. You hid it so well that you were planning your death. You were the last person I thought would commit suicide. I still hate saying that word and saying you’re gone.

I feel bad for your family, your mom especially. She hurts every day knowing she lost you and she couldn’t do anything to save you. I think about her a lot, too. We talk about you and how we miss you. She loves you more than anything in the world. And the day before your funeral, your dad got baptized for you. He wants to be with you when it’s his time. I haven’t talked to Jasmine because I don’t want to bring you up and her not open up to me. I’m really mad at you, though. I’m mad you didn’t come talk to me and tell me you were hurting so bad. I felt like a big sister to you and that I had to watch out for you and everything going on with you and Timmy. I feel like I let you down and it killed me to know that I was going to text you to see if you wanted to do something that night and I didn’t because I was tired and just wanted to watch TV with my mom. I think about ways I could have done something to help you. But I didn’t and you’re gone and I can only hope that you’re listening when I talk to you and that God tells you I pray about you and your family…I miss you so much. The things that I miss most were you shouting my name down the hallway, you drawing on my math notes and your laugh. That brightened up my days.

I wear your bracelet every day, I never take it off; it’s always with me. I have a ribbon of you at school because that’s where I feel closest to you. I’m planning on getting a tattoo of ‘believe’ on my foot for you. So that even when I’m old and wrinkly I will still have something to remember you by. I’m doing a Suicide Awareness walk on Saturday. I hope you’re there with me and I hope you know I still think about you every day.

I miss you.
Madeline, age 20