The Things You Would Have Said
Month
Dear Papa,
I was 10 years old when you and Mama started fighting and ultimately decided to get a divorce. It’s hard for a 10 year old to watch a broken man try to heal himself. I was scared of you. I watched you break things out of the frustration of having your dream life be ripped from you.
But I’m so sorry I left and was never brave enough to go back. You don’t even know which high school I’m going to. I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to invite you to my graduation. You were a good father. I could fill oceans with all of my “I’m sorry’s” for having left you so bitterly alone.
I just want to let you know that I’m well. I’m doing good in school and I don’t think I’ve changed much. But it’s hard to live with Mama. She’s very different from the woman you fell in love with.
I don’t know if you still think of me, or remember what color my hair is, what my favorite foods are, or if you remember how dark my skin would turn after our vacations in Nevada every year. I remember the little details of you and I hope you remember mine.
I love taking pictures, like you. I remember when I would say goodnight to you, you would always say “Goodnight my little, princess” or “Goodnight your little, artist” or whatever I was that day.
When I’ve outgrown my fears, I’ll invite you back into my life. I hope you’re well. Please remember me.
Love your little one,
Clarissa, age 16
Dear Mark,
Sometimes when I enter the doors of church and walk into the room to say my hello’s, I still expect to see you lift your head up and give me a huge smile like you always did. My mind still tricks me into thinking you are going to walk over and instantly ask how I was doing. When my mind tunes back into reality, my heart drops, knowing you aren’t really there.
I wish I had told you how much you really meant to me. You were like a father I didn’t really have and I wish I had told you that. In all honesty, you were the most understanding and heart-filled guy I knew. There wasn’t a single mean bone in you. I want to tell you that I have learned so much from you. You were so wise and always put other people first. Hearing about your sickness was devastating but I was happy to hear how much healthier you were getting. Although you missed many weeks of church, you came back strong and confident.
Then, the one week I missed church because I was visiting my dad, your time was up and you were gone. When my mom called me to tell me, I couldn’t stop crying. I wish I could have said goodbye. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. You were supposed to live! You were getting better, so what went wrong?
Right now, I wish I could ask you how it is up there, because I know that’s where you ended up. I want to tell you about my basketball games and hear your voice again. I wish you knew that. It didn’t seem like it was your time. You had blessed so many people but we still needed you in our life. Sometimes when I walk in the kitchen and see your picture, I feel as if a baseball is stuck in my throat. Holding back the tears, I hear your beautiful singing voice, singing the songs in church. I hear your laugh, your voice, your breath, as if you were standing right next to me. As if you were still here.
I miss your annoying jokes that I never understood. As the days add up, I cherish your silly jokes more and more. It’s super hard for me to think about you and not feel the pain that I feel. Knowing you are in a better place and you did great things while you were here on earth, helps me find a little happiness in your death. You lived a life that people remember you by and admire, and that’s what counts.
I wish you were still here. I wish I could ask you to stay. Knowing I can’t, I appreciate the time I knew you.
Every ounce of my love,
Angelina, age 14
Dear B,
Last year, you came to stay the summer and we formed the greatest friendship ever. I thought that nothing could have separated us. Then you had to go back to your home. With such a space between us, there was no way to talk to you. I was hurt without my “second half” there, so I tried texting and calling you. You never answered. Now a year later, I am still missing you and wishing I could see you. I keep hearing about things you’re doing and I worry about you. Hopefully one day we can reunite and see each other again, but for now I will keep you in my mind and heart.
your best bud,
Will, age 14
My Fathers,
I doubt you two know much about each other. I can hardly remember the moments when you exchanged chilled pleasantries. What I do remember, and sadly what I cling to, are the hard times. The times I collapsed in the shower, sobbing tears when I told you (my biological father) I couldn’t see you anymore because it hurt too much, and the slipping hope that this new father would be able to fill the void you had scooped out of my chest.
And now there is this new man, this man that has adopted me, and I thought everything would be different and bright and golden. And it was. For a time. And then I left for college and mother was destroyed. Depression, lethargy, and an absolute aching pain in doing anything. She was sad, and you just pestered her. And pressed her to get up, get out, to move on. That’s what you did, right? Another woman for you…another man… You fulfilled the desires of the flesh with any meat you could grasp. I don’t know who you are. You can’t tell me the truth, or simply, will not. I hate you for that. I hate not understanding the motives behind an act so foul as yours.
But I still love you. You pulled me away from my first father, the sperm donor, the man who ripped me in half and threw me away. You pulled me up and helped me move on and forget the tragic man who years later was arrested. I thank you for saving me from experiencing such a future. But now I’m here, experiencing this. I don’t know what is worse. I can’t trust you. You’re at arms length and yet I love you. I think? Who am I to say what love feels like. I’m constantly at war with myself. Wanting a lover to hold me at night, a man to be there for me, and cherish me. And then I look back at you, and I run away terrified from any prospective men. Am I doomed to be like this? I’m trying so hard to overcome, but I’m so scared. My insides tremble when I think someone might be starting to love me. I thank both of you for this ridiculous conviction I seem to have to stay alone. I’m good at the random one night stands, but long term is like a compilation of all horror movies.
So thank you, my fathers. For instilling this fear, this coldness, this fate.
Your Daughter, 21
Hi Mom
I never got to say good bye and tell you that I love you. When you told me you weren’t going to make it it didnt really sink in, I was only 12. I wish I had one more moment to talk with you and tell you how awesome you are/were. Miss you more every day, hope you are proud of me, I did the best I could.
Love,
MK, age 47
Dear Wahneeta,
I wish that I had spent more quality time with you before you got sick. I always loved your peanut butter fudge, easily the best in the world. I remember when I was little I would come over to your house and all I wanted to do was go home. Now I wish that I had come over more often.
I never fully appreciated you being around, or for that matter, being my great-grandmother. I never really got to know grandpa because he was gone too early. I always took him for granted too. I still have pictures of you and grandpa together. Even on your wedding day, before I was born, I have pictures. I’d just like to say just say I’m sorry, and I wish I could start over.
I hope you’re reading this in heaven,
Andrew, age 12
Hey,
I wish I could tell you everything I wanted to tell you. I just do not have the nerve, to be honest.
I remember the first time I saw you. I was a freshman, completely new to the school. I was on my way to honors literature and you were walking down the hall. I wanted to ask you for your name, but I didn’t think you’d want to be seen talking to me considering I was a pitiful 9th grader and you were a senior.
I spent the whole day thinking of you and hoping I’d see you again. As days went by, I looked for you every day. I’d often walk by you in the mornings and on the way to 5th period. You were beautiful, and I was me. You were as great as can be, and I was plain as plain can be.
Day after day, I fell harder and harder for you. I finally figured out your name. Two months before our school year ended, we became friends after you playfully teased me. You were marvelous. You were so kind, funny, and handsome. I couldn’t figure out why you wanted to be my friend, but I accepted the fact. Every time you saw me, you got this huge smile on your face and you actually looked excited to see me. You have no idea how amazing that made me feel. It made me feel like I actually was wanted.
You graduated 4 days ago and now I realize that I missed my chance. I wish I could tell you how I feel about you. I wish I could tell you how safe you make me feel. I’m happy when I talk to you. No one has made me this happy and drove me insane at the same time. You smile and my knees get weak. I know this sounds like all of those sappy things teenage girls say, for I am only a teenage girl myself, but I really do have strong feelings for you, and I wish you could know. I wish you had mutual feelings. Who knows, maybe you do? But I guess I will never really know.
Have fun in the real world. ♥
Signed,
Yours Truly, age 15
My little sunflower seed,
Losing you was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I have been wanting to be a Mom as long as I can remember. When we found out I was pregnant, we couldn’t believe it was actually happening! Your Daddy and I were so happy and excited and right away started to think about what you would be like. When I started reading some things about pregnancy, I found out that at that time you were the size of a sunflower seed. For some reason, we started referring to you as our little sunflower seed. While it was silly, the nickname stuck.
Sadly only a couple of weeks later, the worst thing that could have happened did. We lost you. Although you may have not been a part of me for very long, I still loved you just as much as if I had carried you for 9 months. The whole experience of having a miscarriage was terrible. It was a constant, physical reminder that you were no longer with us. I was just so incredibly sad and felt like my body had let me down. The doctors were so medical about it all. Telling me things like: “This happens 1 in 5 pregnancies”, “It was your body’s way of knowing something was wrong” and “Hopefully next time you will come out on the other side of things”. I don’t care how often this happens; it doesn’t make me miss you any less.
Although I am hopeful that someday I will be a Mom, there will never be another first. You were my first pregnancy and will always be my first baby. I would have given you the world and loved you more than anything. I hope you know that I would give everything to still have you growing inside me. “If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.”
Love you forever and not a day less,
Mommy, age 28
Dear Ross,
I am writing this letter to you because I have no idea how to get through to you. You never seem to be ok with yourself, or how you’ve turned out in life, and you always seem to be looking for something wrong with the way things are. You can never just accept things on face-value and always look for deeper meanings when often there aren’t any. Sometimes life just “is”. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, it just is. People will say things to you without having any sort of ulterior motive; they are just concerned for your general well-being. Whilst this is not always the case, you have to accept that these things do actually happen, so don’t twist things around in your head and get yourself all worked up about it.
I need you to understand that you are ok. You have your ups and downs, but you’re ok. Just try to relax a little and enjoy the life that you have. Go out there, be yourself and love who you are. By loving yourself, hopefully someone else will learn to love you too. I know you feel alone, but you’re not. You have friends and family who love you dearly.
I know you don’t think you’re the “nice guy” that 95% of people get to see. You think that you’re really living in that 5%, and what everyone else see’s is a lie. I can tell you right now, that’s not true. You really are a nice guy. Yes, you’ve made some mistakes. Done things that you regret, unintentionally hurt people that didn’t deserve it, and said things that you should have kept to yourself. The important thing is to accept that this has happened, and learn from it. Instead of calling them “mistakes”, call them “experiences” instead.
I know right now you don’t feel ok. You’re back in that rut, thinking that every time you get climb out of this hole and start to feel ok with yourself, someone or something seems to kick you off the edge and you’re falling right back down there again. The important thing to remember, is to never give up climbing out of that hole. Eventually you’ll make it, and find someone to help you fill that hole in once and for all so that you never fall down it again.
I’m sorry that I haven’t always been there to help you, and that this letter makes no sense. It’s very hard to write this to you. So many things I’ve been thinking for quite some time, but never figured out how to tell you. Hopefully you will read this and understand.
I know that you’ll be ok. I know this because I know you better than you think. I know this, because I am you. I understand this place is for writing letters to people you feel you cannot contact, or have lost. I am writing this to you on here because I feel like I’ve lost you somewhere in that mind of ours. Please come back to me, I’ll be here for you when you’re ready.
Sincerely,
Your scattered mind, age 25