The Things You Would Have Said

Dear Jeff,

It’s been a year since you took your life to escape from a world you didn’t think you were good enough for.  You had an image to live up to that no one ever could. Whoever you thought you had to be like could never have lived up to what you became. You were larger than life, had a tougher skin than anyone else I’ve ever met, but also had the biggest heart, never letting someone go who needed something.  

I think about now and then, a few times a month, more now that I have my motorcycle–not that it was close to yours.  For being my cousin, you were more than twice my age when we lost you.  My eyes nearly water when I have a rum and Coke, your favorite drink. I tell everyone it’s from shit rum.  Some people may never forgive you completely for leaving us, and I wish you hadn’t. But I don’t blame you.  Since I was a kid, all I wanted to be was big and strong like you were. I know you weren’t always easy for people to get along with, but we’ll always love you.  

John, age 20

Dear Allison, 

You have been a great piano teacher. You’re classical with songs.  You choose good books, and you know if I’m going too fast or slow.  I hope you’ve had a great time with your dad and your job. Please come back soon. 

Love, 

Daniel, age 8

Dear Faithie,

I never told you this but you were such a huge role model to me. I hung on to your every word. You teaching me how to draw in the fog on windows seemed like the coolest thing ever. And it was. Because you said it. You told me which songs were cool and which stars to like. I always thought you were so cool. After I moved, we never really talked, but I would hear stories about how great you were from my mom. And then one day, March 23rd actually, my grandmother called and told us you had died. You were on a bike trip with your friends and you got hit by a car. You were only 17. I’m so sorry.

Love,
Rachel, the 14 year old girl who is still often that 4, 5, and 6 year old you knew.

Dear Brandon, 

The one year anniversary of your death is fast approaching. Maybe that’s why you’ve been on my mind so much the past few days. Wow, I miss you. My brother by another mother! I can’t get that dreadful phone call out of my mind that came last year while I was working. It changed my life forever. I’ll never forget trying to make it through work for the rest of the night. I couldn’t stop crying, and my boss wouldn’t let me leave. It was so sudden and unreal to me, and it still is.

I have two things I want to apologize to you for. The first one is, I am sorry for getting mad at you for getting the inside of my car wet when it was new. You were soaking wet from the rain, but wanted to come to my vehicle to offer me an umbrella so that I could stay dry. And all I cared about was my stupid car. I am so sorry, Brandon. I wish I could take back how rude and ungrateful I was to you. You were always doing stuff like that for me. That’s just who you were.

Also, I am so sorry for not answering the phone a few days before you died. I wasn’t doing anything, and was enjoying that fact. The kids were gone, and the house was quiet, and I ignored your phone call for no good reason. If only I had known, I would have gotten to talk to you one last time. I would have told you what a wonderful, awesome, unselfish, giving and caring person I thought you were. I didn’t get a chance to tell you that, and I will never forgive myself.

Laila’s favorite doll is still the one you gave her. She is too young to understand the significance of it, and too little to remember you. But it makes me happy to see her toting that doll around, because it keeps you present in my life, at least in a small way. Thanks for being a friend to Jared, and a positive role model to him. My Jared is a talker, but you always had time to listen to him. You had a way with kids. You would have been a wonderful father. Thank you for not being afraid to be honest with me and for being the most excellent friend a person could ask for. Thank you for walking with me in the rain at work when I was 9 months pregnant, as everyone else darted past us. You didn’t have to do that. You were so good humored as we poured water out of our boots. That is a memory that will stay with me until the day I die. I will always cherish your wide-eyed fascination when you would put your hand on my belly to feel Laila kick. What wonderful memories I have of you!

Thank you, Brandon, for just being you. I am a better person because of you. If there’s one thing I have learned from all this, it’s never take anyone for granted. You were such a unique and special soul; I smile and laugh often because of that almost as much as I cry because you’re gone. I miss you.

 Your friend forever,

Emily, age 33

Dear Dad,  

You were my hero. You gave me what I wanted and always had a way of getting me what I needed. You always kept me safe from the neighbor’s dog. You always picked me up and kissed my boo-boos when I fell in the driveway or out of the tree in the back yard. You always let me sleep in the bed with you when I got scared of the dark. You continued to love me. Even when I argued with you and yelled those three words I regret the most….”I hate you”.  You always encouraged me to do my best in everything I do. You taught me once a quitter always a quitter. That’s why you never let me quit the basketball team.   

It breaks my heart that you won’t get to see me graduate from high school or college. Nor will you be the one to walk me down the isle at my wedding or be the second one to hold your grandchildren.  

I hate myself for not seeing it sooner. I should have taken your problem seriously. I never thought drinking would kill you. I always thought you were going to be around forever. I never thought it was possible you could die. I never thought I would spend one day without you in it.

Daddy, I miss you so much. If you could read this, you would see that I am truly sorry for not getting you the help you needed.  I love you and would do anything to get you back.  

Your daughter, age 16

To my best friend Sydney, 

I am so sorry I did not go to your birthday party.  I could not go because my brother and I had soccer games.  I can’t remember if I said sorry, but one thing I like about you is that if I had to miss something that is important to you, you would still be my best friend.

Thanks for being my best friend. 

Kai, age 9

Dear L.V., 

I was ten when you married my mom, and I was ten when you started to molest me every night for six years until I got the courage to leave home. Because of you I had to drop out of high school at sixteen, and work two jobs to pay rent.   Because of you I wake up in the night screaming and crying from the nightmares you have embedded in my soul.  Because of you I have been so scared to tell anyone my story (including my husband of eight years). I don’t want anyone to tell me I am a liar like mom did when I told her what you did.

But now some stranger is reading this and they are the only one that knows besides you and me. Maybe it will make me feel better if the whole world reads it. I didnt have the courage to tell you what a piece of shit you are when I was ten, and still now I am a little scared of you. But I wish I would have told you that you dont deserve to walk among people, or be breathing the same air we do. I wish you the same nightmares every night. 

Ashley, age 27

Dear Christina, 

How are you and our kids doing? Hopefully good. I am so stressed to be in here, but I feel a great relief knowing that you are going to be with me always. 

How many times have I told you how much you mean to me? Perhaps not enough, but now that I am locked up, I realize it’s a lot.  You know well that I am trapped, not just physically, but pyschologically, too.  My feelings have been destroying my heart constantly.  I swear that at times I hear your voice or our kids’ voice in my dreams or thoughts. But I’m not crazy, it’s just that I need to be with all of you. 

I miss you and each one of those moments we spent together. I always told you how much I love you.  Without you I am nothing, with you I am who I am until this day.  I miss that beautiful smile of yours.  I am fortunate that you are the mother of our kids, but most of all for staying with me in good times and bad.  We have had many troubles during our relationship, but with our love we have defeated each one of them.  I am so sorry if I failed or hurt you somehow, but you know well that I just want you to be happy always. 

I pray to God for us to be together, the sooner the better, but this time forever. 

I love you,

Carlos, age 30

Max-

Mommy is so sorry that I left the room and that daddy went down stairs for a few minutes.  I am sorry that we stopped at the old house for a few minutes to go on that dumb vacation.  I am so sorry that we didn’t keep hounding the pool company to get the fence in even though we weren’t living there.  I am so sorry that you aren’t here with Olivia.  She misses you so much.  I am so sorry that I wasn’t a good enough mommy.  I love you. My heart fills with joy to know that you are in heaven with my mommy and daddy.  You have a new little sister, Lily, who has your smile.  I love you.  I wish we would have gotten to go riding on a horsey when you got bigger, I wish you would have been here to go to school with your twin Olivia, to go to Disney World.  It’s so not fair.  You are my heart.  A part of me is forever gone.  

Love,

Mommy, age 44

Dear Michael,

It’s been more than two years since you and your sisters died.  But don’t think for a second that you’ve been forgotten. I still think about you all the time. Sometimes I think I loved you more than your sisters, but then that doesn’t seem fair and I feel horribly guilty. All three of you were such incredible people. For some reason, though, whenever I think of you everything seems like it’s going to be okay. You gave unconditional love to so many people at school as well as in the rest of the community, and in my opinion that means your life was well lived. You’re remembered well, and even though you only lived to the 9th grade, rest assured that you affected more people than you can possibly comprehend.

There are still so many moments where all I want is a Michael hug, because that would make me feel so much less alone. But I know that you’d be so disappointed in who I am now… and for that, I’m sorry. I’ve lost myself, Michael, and I wish you were here to help remind me.

Aaron is in good hands, by the way. You two were like brothers, and I just want to make sure he’s okay. Maybe that will make up for how bad of a person I’ve become. You’d be so proud of him. Really, he’s the best. He, for one, is not letting you down.

I love you. You’ll always be not only in my heart, but in the heart of everyone who was blessed enough to know you. You and your sisters are missed. But in a way, your passing made everyone stronger. They say that only the good die young, and you all were the greatest. Maybe if I’m able to join you in heaven, one day, we can catch up. Until then, I’m going to try to make you proud.

Love,

Emily, Age 18

Dear Unnamed American Soldier,

I have often thought of you after your kindness to my son in the airport so many years ago.  Was it 2005?  I don’t remember exactly, but he was probably around 4 years old.  We were traveling alone, and Max, my son, was probably a little fidgety or feisty or otherwise impatient.  He’s a good boy, but long trips are hard with a little one.  You smiled, were kind, and gave him a large coin that had a name, regiment number, and battalion number on it.  I looked at the coin quickly, because I still had Max to herd, but had always assumed the name was yours and we could find you, write to you somehow later to thank you for your kindness.   

But time passed, and we misplaced the coin.  Today, while working all alone in the house, I found the coin.  After taking a closer look at it, and looking the name up on the Internet, I now realize we will never find you.  The coin says ”GARRYOWEN” and the 2d Battalion, 7th Regiment.  That’s not your name; it’s the nickname of your cavalry regiment.  I will never find you.   

Knowing that I cannot personally thank you has hit me hard for some reason.  (As an aside, my emotional state was pushed even further when “Billy Don’t Be  Hero” played from my iTunes just as I sat down to write this.)  As I said above, I have thought of you often, hoping for your safety.  You represent to me all of the soldiers who sacrifice, anywhere, every day for us at home.  I pray you are safe and well, wherever you are. 

Please know that your small gesture, giving a coin to a little boy, had a big impact on him and an even bigger one on his mother.  Such a small gesture was magnified against the backdrop of your enormous sacrifice.  Thank you, and God bless you and your fellow soldiers.

Max’s Mom, age 45

Hi Sarah, 

Just wanted to say hello, how are you? I miss you. I didn’t get the chance to grow up with you, to do your makeup and braid your hair. To teach you about boys and flirting and which ones to watch out for. I won’t get the chance to tell you about my day or see you at my wedding as my Maid of Honor, to hug you when I am feeling down, and vice versa. And you don’t get the chance to grow up, fall in love, and grow old. I wish I could have known you longer, my beautiful sister. 

All my love.

Your sister,

Lauren, age 19

Grandma,

Dad says I look exactly like you. I wouldn’t know. You died when he was about my age and I’ve never seen a picture of you at Grandpa’s. Oh, how I wish I could have met you, even just once to see how you were like. If you’re reading this, I want you to know about me even if I’ll never be able to tell you in person, at least for a while. I’m starting my sophomore year in high school, and I’m a great student (I get all A’s). I love spending time with friends and family, and from time to time I think about you and wish I could meet the woman whose blood runs through my veins.

Gramps remarried and I love him Grams with all my heart, but I wish that you could be a part of my life. You would be so proud of me! I hope we can meet in heaven so you and I can make up for lost time. From what I hear, you and I are quite alike! I wish you could be here to help me and enlighten me with your wisdom. I could use it occasionally (okay, you’ve got me, more often than not).

We’ll see each other sometime soon. 

I love you,

Aubrey, age 15

My Dearest PK,

You were my best friend.  I always felt you deserved a better human than me and now that you are gone, I know that was so.  I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you better.  I’m so sorry I let you get hurt.  I still say to myself that I can’t believe he killed you.  I know you’re gone but my heart feels you with me and it hurts.  I have been told you love me and understand and forgive me… but I don’t forgive me, even knowing I can’t move on without doing so.  I’m sorry for the times I shooed you away or moved you to the side instead of petting you more.  I’m sorry I didn’t quite get what we had until you were gone.

I have dreams that you jump on the bed and take your place at my feet, curled up, encircled by your tail.  I wake up suddenly and look for you before I remember.  I miss our chats while you circle around my feet, over and over.  I got out of the shower this morning and recalled how you would come in while I was drying off, checking out the tub, rubbing my shins and leaving black fur all over my damp legs.  I used to hate that.  I wish you were here to do it again.  

I would have told you I love you more.  I would have forgiven your neediness you saw as entitlement.  I would have petted you more and told you how much you enriched my life.  I would have thanked you for never making me cry alone.  I would have stopped typing and let you sleep in the keyboard while I cuddled you.  I would have let you play under the sheets while I made the bed.  I would have told you how beautiful you are 20 times a day instead of 10.  I would just let you be Pretty Kitty.

Eternally Your Human Companion, with Much Love & Gratitude,

Melissa, age 40

Dear K,

There was a fire truck at your funeral.  They parked it out front because your mother told them how much you liked fire trucks.  Someone at your funeral said that we would all be lucky if we could make as much difference in our lifetime as you had in just under seven years.  He was so right—the church was overflowing— someone said that there were 400 people there.

You were amazing.  I wish I had told you that when you were alive.  You had to work so hard for everything—but you always just did it. You always did the work, twice as much as anyone else had to—and you did it smiling and cheerfully.  And everyone fell in love with you because of it.

I hope you’re up there holding grandpa’s hand like I imagine (your daddy said this is the image in his head, too).  I know that grandpa’s beaming at you.  And probably feeding you ice cream for breakfast.

You saved three lives.  I hope you know what a hero you are.  I know heaven knows what a hero you are.

Love,
Aunt C., age 33

Hi Harley, 

How is fifth grade at your new school? Do you like your teacher? We got Dragon Discovery forms the other day, and as I flipped through mine, I saw the notice about Spanish classes.  That made me think of you. 

You were a sepcial person to me, and many others I’m sure.  You helped me branch out in so many ways.  I am proud of you for how you always gave many chances to people, where I would have gone and told on them.  So many times I watched you being treated badly.  I was afraid.  Nothing but “Don’t get in trouble” was going through my mind.  I am left with shame for not sticking up for you.  I could have easily told people to stop pushing you around, or saying mean things to you, but I was worried that I would become the target.  Now I regret not being stronger. 

I loved to help you and you helped me in return.  I remember your great sense of humor and your acceptance of others.  I really appreciated that you chose to be friends with a girl even if it did mean you were teased sometimes.  I wish I could have told you all of this before you left.  And now you’re gone.  I’ll probably never see you again.  I just hope that I conveyed at least some of this message to you before you left. 

I know I was teased about you being a boy, me being a girl, and us being friends. I’m sure you were, too.  I guess, who cares! I don’t regret being friends with you, even through the teasing. 

Thank you for all you did for me, and others.  Gracia por ser mi amigo.  Thank you for being my friend. 

Your friend, 

Lucy, age 10