My first baby, my first love,

I wish I could tell you: I know I’m a loser. I know I gave up. I got defeated. I did not know my rights. They stole you from me, and I thought I deserved it. 

Gavin, I left you at home and went two blocks down the road to get some Tylenol PM because I was drunk and you were asleep. I got pulled over and went to jail. It was so stupid. I don’t know why I left, I really thought I would be back in five minutes. I hate myself for what I did. I’ve never told Grandma or Grandpa, but that is what happened, and now you know.

Maybe I really did deserve to lose you. I’m so sorry, baby. That’s why I got so screwed up on drugs, I gave up. That’s why I never fought to get you back; I thought I deserved to get you taken away, but you never deserved that. My life has been so bad since then. Even though I have two other children, you are my heart, my soul, my first true love. I wish I would have known better, I would have done better. I just pray we haven’t lost too much time.

I know our relationship will never be what it could have been, but I love you with all my heart and hope that you can forgive me for giving up and not fighting for our life.

I’m sorry son,
Your mom, age 35