Dear Ry,

Not a day goes by that I don’t replay the last night I had with you here on this earth. I am haunted by the events that went on before you left us, what if we hadn’t done all the things we did that life changing night, would you still here today? What if I had stayed on the phone and comforted you more? What if I had known that while you cried on the phone to me that that would be the last time I would ever hear your voice? What if I thought twice of how many sleeping pills you took? Could I of stopped your fate? What if I had stayed over and slept next to you, like I always did, would I of known that something was deeply wrong? All of these questions are ones I can never answer now…but I’m haunted by the fact that you were by my side for 2 years and I was so blind to your pain. I can’t help but blame myself for your mother, brother and friends losing you so abruptly…and yet I am still here…we both did the same amount of drugs, but God took you and not me. I hate that you got to leave this cruel world and escape while I am kept here to pick up the pieces…I ask myself everyday why it was you and not me, but again, that is a question I will never be able to answer.

As much as I blame myself for the events leading up to your death, I also blame your boyfriend. He emotionally beat you to the ground until you no longer had the strength to get back up with no hope to keep on living. That’s not what love is and I wish desperately that you had saw that. Not even a month after we buried you he had moved on with someone else…if only you could of seen what little part he would of played in your extraordinary life you lead. You are so much better than him, even in death. It’s not fair that someone who encouraged you to die gets to stay here and live on happily while the rest of us are so damaged by your passing.

You always promised me that you would never leave me alone in this world, sadly that didn’t happen. So here I am, left with the shattered pieces of our life together, left to explain the events leading up to your death to your mother, your little brother and your father…words I never thought I’d ever have to say. They say that to die would be an awfully big adventure and I cannot wait until I can join you on that adventure. Till then my beautiful blue eyed boy.

K, age 20