Dear Matt,

I need to consider myself a lucky one…

I have experienced a true love. A soulmate. The kind of love that runs so deep you wonder years later if it has somehow become apart of your blood. Moving thru your body as the very essence of life itself… a love that provides the oxygen you need to live even if it is now no longer present. The slightest memory of a time we shared now brings on a grimace of pain. A shortness of breath and a deep sigh of regret.

I have many regrets. You are my biggest. I thought I was being so clever by not “settling early”… instead I have now lost the biggest love of my life. I never even allowed myself to enjoy it fully. Cut off in the earliest of stages with the best intentions of those who imposed the severing of our hearts. My heart breaks again to remember that last night spent under the stars… full of stars and tears. A love so young yet so deep and true. You were my world and my future. Now almost 10 years later… you are married, have opened a successful restaurant, and I probably never cross your mind.

I need to move on and let you go. Even writing those words brings tears to my eyes and I lose my breath. I tried to erase you but you still haunt me. Your kind eyes. Your gentle spirit. Your undying love in spite of my terrible coldness. God you loved me. How could I have been so foolish to let you go?

I have written you many apology letters. None of which will ever reach your eyes now. However this is not one of those… apologizing to you. This letter is a thank you to you and an apology to me.

Thank you for allowing me to experience a love so great I will never ever forget it. Thank you for being an example of what unrequited love looks like. A role model in so many ways. I am angry at myself for only now coming to this conclusion. I love you dearly, and you will forever have a part of my heart. However… I need to move on. I need to go find love again. A true love like ours used to be.

I can no longer live in the past… the “what could have been”… I am missing out on the present because I am crying over a past that can never be my future. I hope I can now finally look back at your memories with a fondness that no longer clutches my heart and paralyzes my breath. I need this.

I have a wonderful man in my life now, and I need to be able to give him all the love he deserves. I cannot do that with you lurking in the dark corners of my memories. So I thank you, and I allow myself to forgive myself for losing you. It is a permission that I have never granted myself, and now I realize that you wouldn’t want that for me. So I need to go and live and love and grow and laugh and embrace my failures and past. For indeed I have been very lucky to have known and loved such a man as you.

Love,
Bird, age 27