It has been incredibly hard the last few days to think about anything other than Sandy Hook Elementary and the town of Newtown. Especially as the funerals begin to take place, my heart is heavy for the families of the sweet children and heroic teachers that we lost. 

I’d like to extend the invitation for all of you to write a note to Connecticut. Perhaps you want to write to one of the victims, to the families, the first responders or to the town of Newtown as a whole. I think we are all deeply affected by what has occurred and it’s important for everyone to talk about what we’re feeling, send a prayer, and continue to hold their community in our hearts. 

If you decide to send the notes to The Things You Would Have Said, I will post the them as they come in. It’d be great if you provided your first name and city/state, but notes can remain anonymous if you make the request. Please send your note via wouldhavesaid.com, or to wouldhavesaid@gmail.com. 

Thank you in advance for your help. Let’s show Newtown how much the world loves them.

Dear Dad,

It’s only recently that I realized that I am ready to finally give up on you. After 19 years, I wonder if you’ll ever get it together. I’ve watched every day as you slowly kill yourself with constant work, drinking, and smoking. Mom always tried to get you to take better care of yourself, but instead every day you drink more and smoke more and push us away and it hurts her everyday. 

After you’re third DUI and you went to jail for the whole summer and mom bought me that dog I thought things would have changed. They did when you quit drinking for a while, but not for the better. You just got angrier and angrier and pushed us away even more.

I’m sorry that my brother and sister only wanted things from you like money and stuff instead of wanting to spend time with you. I’m sorry that because of them, spending time with me was a chore. You used to buy me things and I liked that, but when I got older and needed someone to help me figure things out and teach me how to be a man, you weren’t there. You were always working or passed out so I had to learn on my own and figure out who I am.

I’m sorry that none of us can rely on you when all we want is the best for you.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough. When you told me you were moving out I was so mad at mom for a long time. I’m sorry for being mad at her for trying to keep our family together. I’m sorry I’ve given up on you, but you had nineteen years to try and take an interest in my life and you haven’t. I will always be here if you ever decide to change, I sincerely hope you do. You can only disappoint someone for so long, though. I will always be here for you, dad.

Sincerely,
Tired of disappointment, age 19

Dear Cameron,

If I could, I would apologize. I’m sorry to have ever imagined that I could ever have been in a relationship at a time of my life filled with chaos and confusion. I’m sorry I expected you to validate me and be my purpose for living. I should have never been so foolish to believe any human being could supply those kinds of feelings. I’m sorry I believed that a relationship when you were just the tender age of 16 and I was only 18 could ever be successful; our lives were moving in completely different directions. I’m sorry I if I ever made you feel like you were not good enough or as if you weren’t able to do anything right. I’m sorry for putting a strain on the relationship you had with your parents. That might be what I’m most sorry for.

I wish I could say these things but I cannot. I hear of how you are now. I hear that you are arrogant and unpleasant, I hear you take advantage of people and use girls, I hear that you believe you are superior to others and have a sense of entitlement. That is not the person I remember. Who you have become scares me and I pray with everything inside of me that I did not do that to you. I hope that you are able to take something from our relationship that has allowed you to learn and given you the chance to be better and not bitter. I hope you follow your dreams and appreciate all of the opportunities you have been given and all of the people in your life. I hope you continue on with your education and use your full potential to make a difference. Most of all, I hope one day when we have both matured and found peace, we might see each other again and be able to exchange stories of happiness and laughter.

I do not hate you, never have and never will. If I could, I would tell you to shine bright, soar high, and share all the love inside your heart.

Anna, age 20

Dear Big Brother,

We were always so close. You would take me to movies, to play pool, hang out with your friends, or just to go for a drive. You always knew how to cheer me up when I was in a bad mood and I always looked forward to spending time with you.

You were my best friend.

What happened?

You met her. She hated me from day one for no particular reason. She has always been jealous of how close we were. I never understood why; it’s not like I wanted to steal you from her. All I ever wanted to do was like her and be liked in return. I wanted to stay a part of your life and to become a part of hers. If you wanted her in your life then I wanted to make an effort to have her in mine, too. But she wouldn’t have it.

I don’t know how or why, but she turned you against us. Me, Mom, Dad and I have never done anything to hurt you, yet you choose her over us. She’s a lying, manipulative beast. From the moment you met her, she has done nothing but try to seclude you from your family and after ten years, she has succeeded. I know that you’re well aware of her actions, you know what kind of person she is, but what I don’t know is why you stay? Are you afraid? Are you lazy? Or, what I’M most of afraid of, have you become just like her? 

I have tried talking to you so many times. You rarely say anything back and when you do, it’s so unfriendly that I don’t even know if I should say anything back. And the other times, she responds and it’s never pleasant. If I text you to say I miss you, I get harassed by her for weeks on end. She has physically, mentally and emotionally abused your little sister for ten years and you don’t even act like you care. Maybe because you really don’t? I don’t know, but I would like to know.

She has torn our family apart, torn US apart. You don’t even seem to care. Your nephews hardly even know who you are, which at this point, is probably best because I don’t even know who you are anymore. All I ever wanted was to keep you as my best friend. I don’t understand why this happened.

I miss you so much, my big brother. You mean the world to me. 

Love ALWAYS, 

your little sister,
S, age 25

Dear T.V.,

Sometimes I look back on how we met and I find myself convinced that it was fate. The only reason why I had decided to go out that night was because I had wanted to see a certain boy. My friend had told me all about you but I didn’t really care. I mean, I didn’t know you so how invested or excited could I be about our potential meeting? When I saw you walking up the sidewalk, I didn’t find myself enthralled. On the contrary. I was so impatient. I wanted you and my friend to finish eating so that we could go out and meet up with that guy. On the walk there, I was standing beside you and I shifted positions so that I was on my friend’s side. I don’t know why I did it. It was such a small thing but you noticed it. When you made a comment about it, I knew that you were different. It’s so stupid how the smallest of things could make me feel like you were worth getting to know. Later on, after we had exchanged jokes and laughter and set the foundation for what would become “our” camaraderie, the three of us drove around searching for beautiful views of the city. We talked. And I discovered that your heart was broken. Shattered into a million pieces. Even then I could tell that you were a fragmented version of yourself.

So much has happened since that night, too much to account for in this letter. 

But I will share a couple of moments: the first is the night that we played cream hockey and really hugged. You had been telling me how you disliked hugs because you weren’t sure when they were supposed to end. They made you feel awkward and unsure. Later that night, we hugged and it lasted for a couple of minutes and I remember feeling like you were home. You felt like home every time after that. But that first night was the most terrifying experience because I took this long drive home and I kept thinking, “Wow… You’ve got to marry the person you can play cream hockey with.”

The second moment occurred at a party. You were so drunk and I was lying on the grass. You didn’t want to lie down so you just walked around and I leaned up on my elbows and watched you. I wanted to make sure that you didn’t fall over or hurt yourself or whatever. And as I watched you, I was struck by the realization that I was in love with you. And this revelation was ridiculous because there was nothing special about that moment. It was completely and totally ordinary. And yet it was transformed by the wave of emotions that coursed through my veins, the same wave that I feel now.

The thing is, we’re great friends. No. I don’t want to say that because I don’t really believe it. We’re not friends and we’re not lovers. We’re in that place that’s in between, the place that doesn’t have a name, the place that is so damn uncomfortable because it can’t decide what it is.

I feel so much for you. More than I have ever felt in my 25 years of existence. And you, you don’t really feel the same way. Or you do but you don’t want to because you’re still holding on to the pieces of your broken heart or (if I’m being completely honest) you just don’t want to be with me.

That is the hardest thing for me to deal with. The realization that despite everything between us, you don’t want to be with me. You try to deny that there’s something there between us but you’re only fooling yourself. What we have is something real and true and significant. 

I keep thinking that I should just move out of the place that the three of us moved into together. I should move out and move on. But I’ve never excelled at doing what I should. 

I want to be with you. I should have said that before when talking about our feelings wasn’t awkward. I should have said that even though I was terrified as all hell, I was willing to try it out. I was willing to make the jump. But I didn’t. And now I’m two doors away from you and it feels like miles. Endless miles. What is the tagline of that Somerset Maugham movie?

Oh yes…

“Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people.” 

The sad thing is that I am quite sure that even though we have seven months left together, we will not make the journey. At the end of this, we won’t even be looking at each other. We’ll be looking past.

Love (Yes, love),
Rae, age 25

Dear Dad,

I’m sorry I asked you to sign the adoption papers so you will no longer have to be my parent, but I think it’s the right thing to do. I know you’ll hate me forever but it’s my life and my choice. I’m tired of living in shame. You found the girl you want to be with, more importantly you found the girl you’re in love with. Kim is amazing and everything I should be. Kim is smart, talented, a Christian, and knows what she wants. She is strong everyday of her life, something I wish I could be. Kim should be cherished forever in your heart as should her son, Anthony.

Anthony is everything I want to be. He is smart, talented, has great self-esteem, athletic, truthful, and just straight up perfection. I would kill to be like him and you would kill me if I’m not like him. The truth is I’m NOT him. I’m none of those things; in fact I can’t name any of the things that I just listed that I would fall into the category of. I’m sorry I’ll never be able to make you happy or do anything right but that’s who I am.

You have always told me I’m not good enough and never will be. I’m not smart or talented or really anything. I’m just a shadow that you see, just another imperfection in your eyes. I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to be the older sibling that does everything wrong, that isn’t good enough according to her father. I think I’m perfect! My opinion matters and yours dosen’t. Remember when you sent me those shoes that I didn’t like so I traded them in for something I liked? Then you went to my mom and yelled at her for teaching me all the wrong things and how not to be classy? Well guess what, that was my decision and unlike you, my mom totally supports me.

It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m done.

Your daughter,
Kayle age 13

Rick, 

I’m sorry that I wanted so badly to believe you were “just another guy,” that I acted in a way that made you confirm my warped and twisted views. 

Now you’re out of my life and I’m truly saddened. 

I know you admitted to me that you have your issues – but I was truly blown away by you. If I had gone through the things you’ve gone through – I’d be a completely different person – sour, hardened and irreversibly bitter. 

But you are a beautiful person. A true man. A strong man. So funny, so kind, so thoughtful, so open, so caring. 

I now understand how my willingness to believe that you’d hurt me affected our relationship. For whatever reason, I actually WANTED you to disappear. I wanted you to stop contacting me, texting, cooking, ordering me that extra Appletini and being so attentive. But you didn’t. You continued to do those things. I remain under the impression that you wouldn’t have stopped, had I not acted in my usual overbearing ways. I have no idea why I resent the men I trust. 

I understand why you made your decision to stop answering my texts and I don’t think you’re a jerk because of it. You’re not. I know that. That’s just not you.

I have said this to you before, but I have never met a man like you. You expanded my mind and healed my wounds, in the short time I spent with you, and that should not and does not go unnoticed. 

You saved me with your kindness. Your spirit. Your passion. And for months, no one had been able to do that – except you. You showed me that there were things to be missed in this world – and men like you are one of them. 

You made an impact in my life just by being you and that speaks volumes about who you truly are.

I know things will never work out between us. We’re battling our own demons. We’re at different points in our lives. But you saved me, and I thank you. 

Stay the coolest, my man. 

Natalie, age 21

Dear 17 year old me, 

You are about to have the three most life-changing years. Admittedly, it won’t turn out as you expect it to.

The first thing that will happen is that you will meet a boy and fall in love. This is the point of your evolution as a person. It won’t be a childlike infatuation, it will be a deeper and more meaningful connection than you have ever experienced in your life. For the first time in life you won’t be scared to jump blindly of a cliff. You will live with him. It will be like a whirlwind, sweeping you off your feet before unceremoniously dumping you to the ground. It will be a hard blow that will take a long time to recover from. You will do lots of things you’re not proud of as a coping mechanism; your guard will be higher than ever.

You will move out to your own flat and your friends will pull you through to a functional level. Yes, that grief will still be there but it will no longer overwhelm you. You will start to become more independent, quitting the job you hate for another you enjoy. The biggest change in your life is that you will somehow pass the International Baccalaureate and get a place at your first choice University, despite almost quitting for the boy eight months ago. 

He will not have lost his grip on you, though. Despite him being in a new relationship, you will continue to go back there. Then, you will go on a holiday with your friends and this changes everything. You will not go home as planned. You will stay in Greece and discover a new perspective on life. You will realise that you always say you want to do things, or imagine how they should turn out, yet you never do anything proactive to achieve them. Your real friends helped you to realise that you have lived a life under forced expectations and that your dreams and hopes for the future are the ones you are not fulfilling.

Despite this, you are still not quite strong enough to break away from normality and continue to University. You will have a great time, however, your year there leaves you feeling unsatisfied, eager to run free (and the boy from the past, although a pivotal point, he is now history). You feel caged and you realise that you need to have the freedom to be yourself, to travel and write and learn and maybe even one day fall in love again. This was always your dream, only you were too scared to do it. You were anchored by your family, a relationship, rent, University and most probably would be afterwards by your employer. 

So you quit. You booked a one-way plane ticket to Spain and in thirty nine days you are off to start your adventure. You are terrified, but you finally understand that you will never be happy thinking “what if” and that you have to take the blind leap off a cliff. Even if it ends in heartbreak, that will eventually pass. Life is too short to stand on the edge debating. 

Yes, you will make friends and lose friends, there will be ups and downs, but the best thing is that you still don’t know any of this. You have finally learnt to stop trying to predict the future and enjoy the journey.

Love,
The 20 year old me